To think a relationship can work despite a large difference in incomes?

[maiafawnly]

Im a single parent to 3 teenage children. I earn an average wage of about £24k a year depending on enhancements and extra shifts i pick up. I manage ok, i rent, dont own and do depend on my child benefits and the universal credits im entitled to to get by. We don't have extravagant holidays, my car is 15 years old, i make an effort to do one activity or trip out a month, ice skating cinema etc my kids wear nice but not expensive clothes etc. I think its a pretty normal set up. I get no financial support from my childrens father. He is under investigation however.

Ive recently started seeing a new man. Things are great so far, lots in common, same values, similar idea for a future, good chemistry and we laugh alot. Weve had more than a handful of dates and im optimistic about where it is heading, each date has gotten better. Only I recently found out he has a six figure salary. I knew he has a good job when we met (polar opposite to mine) though i had no idea how good and his income never impacted my decision to date him. In fact a shared hobby was what brought us together.

A friend has placed some doubt in my mind, suggesting I shouldn't expect it to work out. That he will tire of me not being able to 50/50 fund everything, he will want trips and holidays etc that i couldn't pay my share of and should we set up home together i would lose all my financial support and he would have to take on 3 expensive teenagers which would cause the relationship to dissolve.

Aibu to think a relationship can survive when one party earns 4 times the others? Or should i just knock it on the head before i fall too deep. I really like him. My last relationship ending devastated me. I don't think id manage through that again.

Definitely can work. Like others have said it is important to be open re finances and be careful of falling into the trap of trying to "keep up / match" spending. If he is a keeper he will not mind. I fell into that trap initially by accident but then we set each other's expectations.

Solely depends on the person OP. My DP earns A LOT. I’m not on a bad wage at all, since it’s just me and him. It’s not amazing and I couldn’t afford to pay for me and him, but he’s very very traditional, as am I. So I spend money on the daily luxuries, and do things to make our lives easier and better and he spends money on the yearly, it works. As long as your values are the same, then I think it could work.

I think certain men might enjoy being the higher earner. Being able to treat you, feeling proud of having a good job etc. That dynamic exists in many relationships to be honest. It does take quite a secure man to be the much lower earner. This is the dynamic in my relationship and it has caused resentment both ways. Him because he is jealous and bitter and me because I have grown fed up of being burdened with all the responsibility. To be totally honest however, we have fallen out of love and the resentment has built for many reasons. I would go for it if he seems like a decent guy and hasn’t expressed any concerns from his perspective.

I think this depends on what you want and what he wants. I have friends in your boat who have dated richer men, each kept own home and he’s been ‘mum’s boyfriend’ and not ‘my step dad’. Equally, another friend met a guy and he wanted a family and got stuck in and sees kids as his etc etc

both set ups work for those involved,

My dh earned literally 10 times what I used to. But then I guess it's a bit different as we were together before that change, and our outlooks on money match, so for example, just because he now earns more he doesn't spank it all up the wall (and neither do i). I think it depends alot on what each expects out of joint lifestyles, "treats" etc?

I left and I’m so glad, my new DH earns a similar amount and my exH is still working retail.

That makes you sound shallow. So long as your Ex is happy though, that's all that matters. Not everyone wants the responsibility or power trip high achievers often seek

You are earning enough to support yourself and your family, so it isn't like you are relying on him. Rather than splitting dates down the middle, you can take it in turns to pay, you do things in your budget, on his turn he can choose whether to call for champagne or just get on with a free festival and lemonade. It only becomes an issue if you want to blend households, but by then you should be able to have the conversation.

I have out earned my hubby and he has out earned me. It has never made an ounce of difference, we love, respect and treat each other as equals irrelevant of our pay packets.

At the end of the day, if he got ill and couldn't work, I wouldn't love him any less because he wasn't working or if he wanted a career change and a bit less stress, so worked at Sainsburys (other supermarkets are available) I would still love him.

It just depends on what type of people you are, if you are shallow, it will cause issues, if not, enjoy yourselves, you are ,after all, only here once.

I think it can work. When DP and I got together he was earning more than twice what I was, possibly even 3x the amount (I can't remember exactly how much he's on). After a couple of years together I took a part time job for health reasons and it meant he was bringing in 6 x what I was. I did a lot around the house to try and make up for only working part time and to try and ease his burden. Now I've gone back to uni full time he's bringing in 9 x what I get from university. We share the load at home and it works for us.

It honestly depends on how goi both feel about it though. You need to have that discussion with him as at the end of the day it matters what you and him thinks, not what your friend thinks.

Not work at all?!!!???

Sorry forgot to add, your friend sounds jealous. People normally only pull someone down when they feel insecure themselves.

Without meaning to embrace the patriarchy, surely this is pretty standard?

I’d say it depends. I’m not a particularly high earner but with no mortgage and savings I’m a lot better off than many well into the 6 figure bracket. And if I’m honest, I’m not sure if my dp in particular had a much lower standard of living if I would immediately have discounted him. Probably.

We both have one dd each, and I would have needed to consider the fact I wouldn’t contemplate one having more than the other. But neither would I have wanted my dd to have less to share it out with his, because I certainly don’t have the money to support another dc in the same way.

However, if we’d both been childless, or only one of us had dc it wouldn’t have mattered to me provided we both had the same financial values.

DH earns six figures, I am on sickness and disability benefits.

Before I became disabled he earned five times what I did and it was never, ever an issue. Even when we were dating he would pay for the more expensive things we did and I would pay for the less expensive things.

It’s never even come up in conversation and we’ve always had a joint bank account.

Before anyone asks I am very well protected in the case of our marriage breaking down.

I don't really know what your friend is on about. My husbands step father earnt a 6 figure salary (now retired). Married his mother when he and his brother were teenagers, she wouldn't have been earning that much at the time. It's never been an issue. They've been married many years now at least 20+.

I think the fact you became friends through the shared hobby in the first place, and then the fact you say you'd had several dates before you even realised he had such a large alary are pretty good indicators here. Money, and what he earns doesn't dominate his life. He feels no need to only eat at top notch venues etc or flaunt his wealth, so is obviously secure in 'where he is' in life, as you are. No reason why it couldn't work.
With teenagers in the mix you are presumably expecting to take any developments in the relationship at a cautious pace anyhow, so, enjoy, and see where it goes.

Um, men don't care.

It really depends on the personalities.

Whether he would want to live with you and 3 teens is something else altogether.... money asides.

I had an unemployed boyfriend years ago and I got fed up with him being broke, along with his pie in the sky dreams.

I'm my experience it depends on how serious you both are about being together long term. If you are, hopefully he won't see his money as his contribution and expect you to contribute (financially) equally. I earn a lot more than my other half and to me, our earnings are our earnings. Other PPs have suggested that lack of ambition might be frustrating though which I agree with, my DP is very hard working, and his job is much more physical than mine so I don't begrudge spending money because I don't feel that he takes liberties in any way. Also, I think it is especially true in this scenario that you have the same attitudes towards money; both of us are reasonably cautious without being tight so we don't disagree on how much or what to spend on. I have had boyfriends in the past where this was a major issue and I did get angry about my money (note that in this case it felt like my hard earned money) being flitted away.

My DH earns 15 times what I do and we manage to make it work because we are a team. To be honest I control the purse strings, my DH has not a clue about the bills. He's not money mad, spends virtually nothing on himself. My part time work allows his career, his earnings allow me many hobbies.
It wasn't always like this, he always earned more than me but not to those multiples. We've just grown and figured it out together.

My DH has always earned at least 3x what I do. Thankfully, as I’m not working at the moment 😄 everything is in joint accounts anyway. Good luck and enjoy OP!

For now, enjoy dating this guy, have fun, go with the flow and see where it leads.

If and when things start to get more serious that would be a good time to have a proper chat about money so you are both on the same page.

Good luck .

As long as you have similar spending habits then ask should be fine.

At times I've earned more than my DH, at times he's earned more than me, and every permutation possible. Made no difference as we both work hard, be that for an employer or client or at home, and it's neither his nor my money, it's ours.

I earn £15-20k a month, my boyfriend earns £850 working PT.

To make things even more unbalanced, he works at home, for me on one of my businesses.

Big discrepancies can happen in a relationship, though they're really rare when it's the female partner as the high earner. One of our biggest struggles is people implying (or outright saying) the DP is less than a man because of it

It does come with its difficulties, resentment being one of them so there is that, but to answer the OP, yes - it can work.

I think the main issue here OP is not the difference in income, but the difference in dependency.

'IF' you were to continue into a co-habiting relationship (sounds romantic!), you would have to forfeit various credits & benefits that he would then have to pick up. You would be dependable on him from the start.

I'm sure it's definitely not insurmountable and if things progress then you could work it out, but it's quite a serious step (for you more than him initially, I would think).