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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

She’s attention seeking

53 replies

shesgrownhorns · 03/09/2019 14:17

Dd10 is an attention seeker. There are many reasons for this: she’s the youngest and has always felt overshadowed by her older brother, and also she is the ‘bottom’ of the class at school. She has very poor self esteem. I blame myself (because it IS my fault. I have bipolar disorder and for all of her life I have been disorganised and forgetful. Don’t get me wrong, she’s looked after very well - my dh is amazing and no one knows about my mh condition, but the mh condition has made Me useless at making her do spellings, time tables etc. She’s two years behind but we’ve got her a tutor who’s amazing. Everyone thinks she’s dyslexic - I privately suspect she is not, she’s just not had my full support. I’m a good mum in every other way (I think) I don’t sweat the small stuff with my kids and they have a lovely life. But for dd, the school thing has taken its toll.

Anyway (sorry for rambling) we are just back to school from hols today. Unfortunately dd broke her shoulder blade in a riding accident very early on in the hols, and has been in a sling for most of the duration. But now she’s healed. She’s not been wearing it for about 10 days.

This is my AIBU:

On her request I’ve let her take it into school in her bag. I’ve just had a call from school saying she’s put it on and they know nothing about it. Bless her she’s taken it in for attention, and I knew this but I let her take it in. Now I’ve probably allowed her to look a fool in class, for suddenly getting it out for the kicks and forgetting to inform school. I’ve ended up just saying to the office that yes she needs it if it aches. It doesn’t ache..

This is not the only thing she does. Friends find her quite hard work sometimes and she can struggle in that department. I’m always torn between indulging her need for attention or telling her to snap out of it.

AIBU for indulging her?

I hope this makes some sort of sense.

OP posts:

FudgeBrownie2019 · 03/09/2019 14:29

There are worse things in the world than liking a little extra attention, but you need to work out ways so she can get it in an appropriate way.

10 isn't too late to adapt your behaviours to help build her self-esteem. You still have time to build her up and make her less likely to seek out attention in the wrong places. But you also need to be honest with school, so when she wanted to take it in, you could have explained to school it was for show only; they wouldn't have thought badly of you as a parent for saying "oh she doesn't need that now, remind her to take it off once she's shown the others".

You don't need to criticise her to change her behaviours; you can praise her for the things she does well, the times she's kind or works hard.

Original poster

shesgrownhorns · 03/09/2019 14:36

Thank you @FudgeBrownie, that’s very helpful. I think I will speak to the teacher on pickup.

OP posts:

DoomsdayCult · 03/09/2019 14:43

“She’s two years behind but we’ve got her a tutor who’s amazing. Everyone thinks she’s dyslexic - I privately suspect she is not, she’s just not had my full support. “

Have you had her tested for dyslexia? Being two years behind is a big red flag pointing to some sort of learning disability especially if the child is fairly intelligent. Better to find out for sure now.

MamImHere · 03/09/2019 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoomsdayCult · 03/09/2019 14:46

Children with undiagnosed learning disabilities often have low self esteem. They see classmates getting things that they can’t and decide they must be stupid. I just bring that up because the low self esteem isn’t necessarily your fault like you think....she is spending all day in school feeling stupid. That will make anyone feel low no matter how good a mum they have.

LochJessMonster · 03/09/2019 14:52

tbf if I had broken my shoulder blade when I was younger, I would have still wanted to wear the sling at school. It is attention seeking but its 100% normal for that age.

Original poster

shesgrownhorns · 03/09/2019 15:02

This is all great, thank you

OP posts:

Harriett123 · 03/09/2019 15:07

I agree with doomsday. I had quite bad dyslexia in school that was missed for most of my youth. It messes with your head and causes low self esteem. I think it's worth getting her tested for a learning difficulty. The missing help with spellings at home shouldn't cause her to fall that far behind.

CatteStreet · 03/09/2019 15:22

Like others, I suspect that two years behind isn't just from not doing spellings at home. Has she had any kind of testing at school? I also wonder a little why you're so open to/focused on the idea that it's not a learning difficulty but rather you?

Juells · 03/09/2019 15:28

You sound very anxious, and making mountains out of molehills

I blame myself (because it IS my fault. I have bipolar disorder and for all of her life I have been disorganised and forgetful. Don’t get me wrong, she’s looked after very well - my dh is amazing and no one knows about my mh condition, but the mh condition has made Me useless at making her do spellings, time tables etc.

Stop beating yourself up. I (and one of my daughters) have a form of dyslexia connected to short term memory, makes me very disorganised and forgetful.

Disorganised forgetful parents don't blight their children's lives forever.

PeppermintPatty10 · 03/09/2019 15:28

When I was little I wore a sling to school for no reason at all - just because I liked it! (And probably likes the attention of people asking about it.)

Sorry this sounds trite but do you have enough focussed one on one time with her? Just time when you’re both alone, doing or talking about whatever she wants?

KurriKurri · 03/09/2019 15:34

I agree with PPs - do at least consider a learning difficulty, because there may be specific help tailored to he needs that would make a big difference to her.

As far as the sling goes - I;d say that was totally within the realms of normal - the only up side to breaking an arm/leg/shoulder is showing off your cast or sling to schoolmates. And if you have the rotten luck to do it at the start of the holidays so you can't show off your sling, and you are ten years old, you might very well want to get it out and wear it around a bit.

I think your 'she can wear it if it aches' was a good response - allows her to put it away and let it be forgotten without anyone really noticing.

It does sound as if her self esteem could do with a boost. Does her older brother get a lot of praise and attention for being academic? What is your DD good at (your post emphasise the things she isn't currently very good at) are there any sports or hobbies or interests that you can encourage and praise her for.
My DS is dyslexic and we found drama classes (which he was very good at) really boosted his self confidence.

neverornow · 03/09/2019 15:51

Bringing the sling into school and showing it off is totally normal. My DN broke her arm and couldn't wait to go to school the next day to show her cast off.
I remember girls having fake injuries and even fake speech impediments in school, all for attention.

eladen · 03/09/2019 15:53

It's not "attention" she's seeking, but feeling cared for by others. Feeling loved, feeling valuable, feeling safe.

It's a basic and vital human need that isn't being met. Telling her to "snap out of it" won't meet that need, but it would be even more damaging.

Care for her. Make her feel safe and cared for and loved. Don't expect anything to change overnight - she needs that caring from you consistently over a long period of time to be able to feel secure it won't be taken away again.

Please don't punish her for being a child whose needs aren't being met in the way she needs. That's not a judgement or criticism of either you or her dad, it's just where you find yourselves. All that really matters is what you do about it now.

viques · 03/09/2019 15:54

Having had a broken wrist in the past I know it can be a bit worrying going into a busy crowded environment. If she has only had the sling off for 10days she might be a bit anxious about getting knocked accidentally. So bear in mind taking and wearing the sling might be for attention, but she could also be feeling a bit meh about what must have been a very unpleasant injury, and might feel the need to protect it for a few days until she is used to being back in school .

Chitarra · 03/09/2019 15:56

I don't think the sling thing is a big deal at all. I would let her have it in school if she wants it. She'll get sick of it soon!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/09/2019 15:57

You sound very self aware and caring OP, but she isn’t going to be behind because you didn’t do her spellings with her. It’s not your fault.

Is it possible she has bipolar? No idea how it manifests itself in children. And if she does, that’s not your “fault” either.

Lougle · 03/09/2019 16:07

Two years behind at the age of 10 is significant and not because you didn't do spelling with her. Your MH issues are getting in the way, but not the way you think. You think your poor prioritisation of her learning, because of your MH issues, is leading to her delay in learning. The fact is, if you didn't have MH issues that you are blaming yourself for, you'd be jumping up and down at the school, asking why your DD is so behind at the age of 10. It's that which you should be doing, because schools will not necessarily highlight that there is a problem.

justasking111 · 03/09/2019 16:09

Do get her tested for dyslexia etc. this is not connected to your issues, it just happens to be something that can be addressed. Children from all walks of life suffer with it. There is no reason you could not be dyslexic either. It sucks but can be helped these days. There is a school near us that works with dyslexic children, they arrive at the school using their attention seeking, messing about to take attention away from their academic problems. Once this is taken in hand the other issues fall away.

Have a look at these sites.

www.stdavidscollege.co.uk/dyslexiaresources

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 03/09/2019 16:11

I wouldn’t tell the school. It’s fairly harmless and I would just talk to her a little about it tonight and make a plan to ensure she is getting 1:1 positive attention. When I had PND I used to set an alarm on my phone to stare at my child and tell them they are a delight, to be treasured etc... I know that sounds so contrived but when life is hard sometimes you have to be a bit more deliberate about it than ordinarily.

Chitarra · 03/09/2019 16:13

Two years behind at the age of 10 is significant and not because you didn't do spelling with her - I agree with this. Loads of parents never do spelling with their kids, you'd be surprised!

sweetiepie1979 · 03/09/2019 16:18

Of course she took the sling in and wore it totally normal behaviour don’t worry about that it was kind of you not to out her to the staff and tell them the full truth there I’d just sit down and chat with DD this evening about it maybe put the sling in a special box to keep as a memory.
Anyways the dyslexia is more important my daughter has been tested and she has dyslexia like you I thought I wasn’t doing enough at home but actually she couldn’t do any work st home anyway we didn’t have the strategies she didn’t have strategies and she was knackered at the end of the school day anyway so we could never do anything with her.
The school should be getting her tested though no use anyone speculating get her tested and go from there. Go easy on yourself you sound like a great mum to me.

Oliversmumsarmy · 03/09/2019 16:22

What do you do with your child that is just the 2 of you.

Even if it is only wandering round the shops and getting ice cream and sitting and discussing her friends, school etc.

Telling her to snap out of it isn't going to boost her esteem.

I would definitely test for dyslexia. Not doing spellings wouldn't make her that far behind.

You have to stop bringing things around to being about you.

Your child just might have dyslexia and was going to.have to dyslexia no matter how many spellings she learned.

You can get 20/20 in a spelling test and still.have learning difficulties like dyslexia

2girlsandagap · 03/09/2019 16:25

I broke my collar bone years ago and it was achy for a good 9 months after it was classed as healed- especially when the weather was up and down like it has been. She may well just want a bit of a fuss from her teacher and classmates (which is perfectly normal for a kid) but it might also be a bit tender still.

gingersausage · 03/09/2019 16:27

She may well be attention seeking, but I would let her hang onto the sling for a few more days in case like a PP said, there’s also a certain amount of anxiety about hurting herself again. It’s a very odd feeling when a limb has been supported for a period of time and then suddenly it isn’t.

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