She’s attention seeking

[shesgrownhorns]

Dd10 is an attention seeker. There are many reasons for this: she’s the youngest and has always felt overshadowed by her older brother, and also she is the ‘bottom’ of the class at school. She has very poor self esteem. I blame myself (because it IS my fault. I have bipolar disorder and for all of her life I have been disorganised and forgetful. Don’t get me wrong, she’s looked after very well - my dh is amazing and no one knows about my mh condition, but the mh condition has made Me useless at making her do spellings, time tables etc. She’s two years behind but we’ve got her a tutor who’s amazing. Everyone thinks she’s dyslexic - I privately suspect she is not, she’s just not had my full support. I’m a good mum in every other way (I think) I don’t sweat the small stuff with my kids and they have a lovely life. But for dd, the school thing has taken its toll.

Anyway (sorry for rambling) we are just back to school from hols today. Unfortunately dd broke her shoulder blade in a riding accident very early on in the hols, and has been in a sling for most of the duration. But now she’s healed. She’s not been wearing it for about 10 days.

This is my AIBU:

On her request I’ve let her take it into school in her bag. I’ve just had a call from school saying she’s put it on and they know nothing about it. Bless her she’s taken it in for attention, and I knew this but I let her take it in. Now I’ve probably allowed her to look a fool in class, for suddenly getting it out for the kicks and forgetting to inform school. I’ve ended up just saying to the office that yes she needs it if it aches. It doesn’t ache..

This is not the only thing she does. Friends find her quite hard work sometimes and she can struggle in that department. I’m always torn between indulging her need for attention or telling her to snap out of it.

AIBU for indulging her?

I hope this makes some sort of sense.

I’d definitely get her tested by an Educational Psychologist, who can test for dyslexia but also other things such as working memory, processing, comprehension etc. We suspected my DD was dyslexic but she isn’t, but has a collection of difficulties with processing and memory that present like some aspects of dyslexia.

I did HUGE amounts of reading practice and extra tutoring before diagnosis, none of which made any difference, so the lack of practise of spelling and tables is a red herring and you MUST engage with the possibility of a learning difficulty of some kind. Now we know what we are dealing with, DDs attainment and self esteem has improved massively.

You really need to seize the nettle before secondary.

My DCs see slings and bandages and crutches as the height of coolness.

DC1 regularly injures himself and has needed wrist straps and ankle bandages, that he wears for weeks. Just today I refused to put yet another bandage on him (don't worry, it's not a real injury). I think he is almost seeing it as a crutch/a way of saying something is wrong without really knowing what. Could it be that she was anxious about going back to school and latched onto something visible to show she wasn't 100%?

I've taught many children, it is true that parental support for school work helps a child, however parental support can not create intelligence that isn't fundamentally there in the first place.

I would recommend, as other posters have, getting a much better idea of where your child really stands academically - just thinking she is two years behind is too vague - behind in what exactly ? if she is 9 (currently going into year 5) she would be expected by the national curriculum to know all her times tables including related divisions facts - in some schools this will be regarded as times times to Ten, in others, to Twelve, some will completely ignore mental division, others will give it equal priority etc etc.

Get her tested, leave with a solid report of where the gaps are, investigate learning needs etc - in short take positive action without crippling yourself with blame.
There is no blame, you're human, just do your best.

If she is suspected to be dyslexic you should have her tested. I actually think it is quite selfish to assume her difficulties are all due to your MH condition and not find out if she also has a condition she needs support with.

Also you assumed her shoulder doesn’t ache - the only person who knows whether it aches or not is her!

I don’t mean to sound harsh but there is a lot of “me me me” in your post and no “her her her”.

I remember when we did our first aid badge in the Brownies. The following week half the group turned up in slings due to “injuries”.

You being disorganised won’t put your dd two years behind.

I completely agree with @LochJessMonster, at that age wanting to take her sling in for a bit of extra attention is actually pretty normal and i wouldn’t worry about it at all.

I think you sound like a great Mum TBH!.What is it about us Mums that we always blame ourselves I wonder?.My friend got it right, when she said you cant be a perfect Mother but you can be a Good Enough one.I think you have a Tutor which sounds like its going well.and as you say you have lots of fun as well!.Whats wrong with that?.Dont worry about the sling incident ,lots of children like to "show off" their injuries !.Try to chill and relax a little !

Most kids absolutely love the attention they get from slings, bandages, crutches etc so I don’t think that’s unusual and not something to worry about. I would sit down with her and explain that she doesn’t need the sling any more and that she mustn’t take it to school again, but I think what she did is pretty common among kids, really.

Does her brother also have problems with behaviour and schoolwork? If he doesn’t, then it seems highly unlikely that your daughter’s struggles are all down to you. I agree with others that dyslexia or some other learning difficulty is probably more likely if she really is two years behind.

Please don't feel guilty or blame your mh for your daughters academic progress. I am a teacher and rarely did spellings with my children. Have you spoken to the school? 2 years behind often indicates an underlying need - speak to the teachers and the SenCo.

In what way do friends find her hard work?

Thank you I have read each and every post, I spoke to the teacher at the end of school, who thanked me for catching up with her.

I don’t tell her to snap out of it, just feel like saying it sometimes! I’m really patient and understanding with her, but sadly I’ve been ineffective too.

Her brother is good academically, my oldest daughter (big age gap) has just qualified as a doctor, so poor girl it’s just her who struggles.

It’s good to know that you don’t think I’m BU to send her in with the sling though.

I’m going to ask to get her tested. We have the SENCO but all she says is she’s making slow but steady progress but needs to learn more at home. I ask them if they’d like to be a fly on the wall when I’m dealing with a homework meltdown!

Just to add - I might be off the mark but I don’t have bipolar and my DD was (at 10) and still is to a certain extent (11.5) a bit of an attention seeker/drama llama in a similar way! Eg using old crutches we have at home when she has had a minor bump to her foot etc. I think it’s pretty normal and I can remember feeling this a bit myself!
I can totally imagine DD prolonging use of a sling so she could ‘show’ people at school!

So I would echo those saying you shouldn’t read too much into a correlation between her behaviour and yourself.

Both dd and ds are way behind academically. Ds didn't read fluently until he was 12 so I speak with some experience of having children who struggled academically

Instead of looking at what your other children are doing I would look on her as an individual and look at maybe doing an activity which she can excell in and give her confidence and boost her self esteem.

Dd has taken her eca and has made a business out of it.

Ds was failing academically, usually getting 4-6% in tests

But at college studying a practical course he was topping the class with sometimes 100%

You do have to take the focus off yourself and put it on your dd and do things that will boost her self esteem and guide her into a career she can not only excel in but also that she will enjoy.

You have to understand that university is not for everyone but you can possibly be more successful doing a practical course.

Apart from a tutor, there is also Kumon for maths and English. DD went for a while when she point blank refused to try and learn her tables. It's little work booklets that from memiry take 20 mins max, and make it seem like not learning - I'd love to do it as I was very anxious doing maths at 18 and would love to find vectory geometry, for example, like a game. That would be a miracle and like rocking horse shit.

She may have PDA, but that was another complete nightmare, until she left the country to work abroad several years ago.

Thank you all, so helpful

Look up 37 signs of dyslexia

The homework
Being behind
low self esteem
Etc are all signs

Spelling reading fine motor skills poor memory etc are others

I'm posting to say please don't beat yourself up or feel you are to blame for having bipolar. One of my parents had bipolar and although they definitely had issues and it was a different childhood, I was loved and felt supported and it has made me a resilient and compassionate adult. Be kind to yourself and def check out possible dyslexia diagnosis.
I would also add I'm disorganised ( my parents were not) and my pre schooler already pulls me up on it and sorts me out e.g mummy you forgot this etc. So don't beat yourself up over that either!

Thank you.

I know that I can find this out myself but for those who know, how would I go about getting dd assessed?

See the GP on your own
Take a list of all the differences she has with kids of her own age both academically and socially.
Ask the GP for a referral for assessment, that you're absolutely sure she's struggling in quite a few areas even though she tries hard at school and at home. Explain that school don't seem to have a problem with her being 2 years behind her peers but you are very concerned your dd may have something like dyslexia so could she be assessed.

Be aware that in some areas 18 months to 2 years is an average wait for assessment, however because your dd is also behind academically by such a margin, that may be a way to ask for an urgent appointment, or tell them you are prepared to take her at very short notice if there's a cancellation.

@shesgrownhorns I have given you the links, it really depends on where you live as to who can advise you. Do it soon.

Shesgrownhorns we found an Educational Psychologist privately, phoned and discussed our concerns and they explained our options for testing. There is a ‘gold standard’ so whether you are sent to an Ed Psych by the Local Authority or you go privately, the school should still accept the findings of the report.

Be aware that it can be very difficult to get a LA referral for testing, and if the school don’t believe anything is ‘wrong’ then it can be time consuming. The private test costs in the region of £600-750 but removes all obstacles.

School don’t take private assessments as seriously as school Senco tests or Ed Pyc tests.

GP or School SENco first

School don’t take private assessments as seriously as school Senco tests or Ed Pyc tests. GP or School SENco first

Don't think that's a given for all schools, OP do check with yours first.

Any private assessment should ideally be done by a team whose members also work part-time for the NHS, then there can be no quibbles that the assessment is not up to NHS standards.

Friend paid hundreds of pounds for tests privately then fought for three years. It costs money so you have to fight all the way in our area.

I second everything that had been said on here.

Why does she feel so overshadowed by her brother?

Im wondering, do you think you may have put your DS on a pedestal at all?