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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that if a man says he isn’t sure about marriage and kids

54 replies

Redandwhitebollard · 03/09/2019 12:02

.....He means that he isn’t sure about marriage and kids WITH YOU ( after 18 months).Living separately .daily text contact. Regular meet ups.

OP posts:
Redandwhitebollard · 03/09/2019 12:17

Anyone? Was With my friend having coffee talking about this exact situation. She says he is stalling. I say he’s slow to commit ?

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 03/09/2019 12:18

How old? I'd think differently if he was 25 or 45.

BogglesGoggles · 03/09/2019 12:19

It could be either or. Some men genuinely don’t know what they want to. Others may be with someone they would be willing to settle with but aren’t necessarily sure they want to.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 03/09/2019 12:19

Well 18 months is not a long relationship

Also some people never know how they feel about marriage and dc until it gets to a point where they are sure. Some people just don’t feel strongly one way or the other

ColaFreezePop · 03/09/2019 12:20

Yes.

And some 45 year olds settle down quickly if they meet the right person.

Redandwhitebollard · 03/09/2019 12:20

Bloke is30

OP posts:
HeadLikeAFkingOrange · 03/09/2019 12:21

Just like women, some men don't want children at all.
And if there's a great disparity in wages, the higher earning partner may wish to remain unmarried to protect their future assets in case of divorce.

If neither of these things apply, I agree with you.

JudgeJudyismyinspiration · 03/09/2019 12:23

There is no future if he genuinely feels that way. Move on. Don’t waste your life chasing an illusion. These men are never worth it, even if she manages to get married etc she’ll have to do everything on his terms, not a great start. That said she may not want marriage or children, so it could be the perfect fit.

ShippingNews · 03/09/2019 12:23

I think that if you are just having daily text contact and regular meet ups, you're not really moving very fast. I'm not surprised that he isn't sure about marriage and children , if after 18 months you're still at this very uncommitted level .

Tyersal · 03/09/2019 12:25

Are you taking any my OH? He told his ex he didn't want either but actually he meant with her because he wasn't sure about things. We are engaged because it's what we wanted

curiouslypacific · 03/09/2019 12:31

Does it matter? Could be he's too immature to commit, could be he never will, could just be he's not that into you. Either way, if you want those things, he's outright told you he's not the man to be with.

Chitarra · 03/09/2019 12:33

I would say that (at 18 months and not living together) it could be either. Too early to tell.

What happens if you suggest moving in together?

BlueJava · 03/09/2019 12:34

It's hard to say - it could mean he is genuinely unsure about ever marrying or having kids. Or it could be just with his partner now. I have to say that probably it means the latter though!

danceswithdeath · 03/09/2019 12:34

I've been with my partner for nearly 4 years and we don't have kids or engaged. He's 41 and I'm 30. I wouldn't say he's not proposed because I'm not the one though!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/09/2019 12:37

I'd think it odd at 30 and 18m together that moving in together isn't being discussed.

Marriage and kids should surely be after that?

Tyersal · 03/09/2019 12:37

*are you taking about

Stupid phone

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/09/2019 12:39

I was thinking about this recently as I met up with a friend who broke up with his DP of 15+ years because she wanted to get married and he didn’t, he also hadn’t wanted children while she was undecided either way.

He met someone else 6 months later, they’ve just bought a house (within a year of being together), he wants to marry her and is desperate for babies.

Doormat247 · 03/09/2019 12:48

My DP is also 30 and was very vague on this subject until recently. When we met he was very much 'I'm not really a marriage person' but recently things have really changed. When I've pushed him on it he admitted he was just scared. Once he started being honest, it turns out he actually does want to marry me, but I would never have known that due to him keeping it well hidden. I would 100% have thought it was just me he didn't want to marry.
Sounds like you need a really good chat about the future. If you think it's that it's you he doesn't want to marry and you can't live with this, then you may have to look at ending the relationship.

GammaStingRay · 03/09/2019 12:49

Not necessarily.

Sure, we all know men who’ve said they’re against kids and marriage who go on to have those things with a new partner once their previous partner is too old to have kids.

But I also know men who say this and then remain unmarried and childfree just as they said they would.

It’s not really relevant or useful to anyone though is it? Surely the point is if a man doesn’t want marriage and kids with you, you walk away and find someone who does. Whether he goes on to change his mind with someone else or not isn’t relevant or any of your business once you’re no longer together.

You can’t really blame a guy if he’s open about not wanting kids or marriage and his partner remains with him, at least he’s honest and she’s choosing to stay in the relationship knowing those things aren’t a possibility. It sucks if later on you split anyway and then he changes his mind with someone else but people are entitled to do that, of either sex.

I do think eighteen months is pretty fast to be getting married but at their ages I’d say by eighteen months you should both have a clear idea of what the future holds in the relationship and be on the same page about marriage, kids and general timelines. At eighteen months we knew we both wanted kids within a couple of years and that we wanted to be married before we had a child (but we were both happy to start trying before marrying and marry during pregnancy as we didn’t want to risk waiting for fertility reasons). Moved in to a rental at one year, bought a house at 2.5 years, got pregnant at 2.5ish years, got engaged at three years and are having a ten week engagement so we’ll be married before the baby arrives. None of that was a huge surprise to either of us, it’s normal to have conversations from the beginning around what you want from your future.

GammaStingRay · 03/09/2019 12:54

My DP is also 30 and was very vague on this subject until recently. When we met he was very much 'I'm not really a marriage person' but recently things have really changed. When I've pushed him on it he admitted he was just scared. Once he started being honest, it turns out he actually does want to marry me, but I would never have known that due to him keeping it well hidden. I would 100% have thought it was just me he didn't want to marry.

Actions speak louder than words... be cautious. The ‘of course I want to marry you’ is easy to say, especially as the ‘I’m just scared’ garners concern and sympathy and hand holding. Don’t get strung along if you do want marriage. Now he’s said he does want to marry you I’d be quietly expecting/hoping for a proposal within the next year or so and a date set for a reasonably moderate (not years) period of time after that. Otherwise it’s just words.

So many women get stung by the ‘I do want to marry you, but...’ for years on end. When a man wants to marry you he marries you. I.e. proposes, or has a mutual discussion about getting married, and enthusiastically books the register office.

Hopefully your DP is being honest and not messing you about! But I have respect at least for men who put their cards on the table and make it clear marriage isn’t happening, over people who say for months/years that they want to but don’t actually act on it.

Sn0tnose · 03/09/2019 13:10

It genuinely could be either and I don’t think you’ll ever know until you’re either 80 years old and still happily together, unmarried and with no children, or you’ve broken up and he’s choosing prams with someone he’s known for six months. Having said that, at thirty years old, I’d expect most people to have an idea on where they stand with the whole marriage and kids thing.

The important thing is that you, or your friend, or whoever’s boyfriend he is, aren’t putting your life on hold waiting for him to make up his mind. If marriage and children is important to you, it might be time to call it a day and find someone who is sure what they want.

AmIThough · 03/09/2019 13:14

How old are you? Are children and marriage a dealbreaker?

Redandwhitebollard · 03/09/2019 13:22

Friend is late 20’s. It’s her bloke we’re talking about. She’s very maternal but says if it meant staying with him she would forego babies for him ! He is hesitant to commit to her as he says he isn’t ready to move in with her but maybe in a year or two. I thinks she’s barking , myself .

OP posts:
AmIThough · 03/09/2019 13:24

Does he have any other commitments?
Prior kids/elderly parents he cares for?

Was he single for a long time before they got together?
He might just genuinely enjoy having his own time/space

AnneKipanki · 03/09/2019 13:29

Sometimes they can't see it themselves @Redandwhitebollard ... Love is blind.