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Original poster

To think that if a man says he isn’t sure about marriage and kids

54 replies

Redandwhitebollard · 03/09/2019 12:02

.....He means that he isn’t sure about marriage and kids WITH YOU ( after 18 months).Living separately .daily text contact. Regular meet ups.

OP posts:
whattodowith · 03/09/2019 13:32

Guys like this are cowardly. If they don’t want to be with the woman, leave and stop stringing her along. It’s the same as guys who say they ‘don’t want anything serious’, it usually just means they just want to fuck you.

Original poster
Redandwhitebollard · 03/09/2019 13:34

No commitments. Just selfish as far as I can see. He has her under his thumb. Makes me mad .,does his own thing. Fits her in. She is besotted. I am probably being unfair coz she’s my bf. Ya that’s what he tells her too.’ Needs lots of time on his own’ ( only when his mates aren’t around for the weekend though)

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 03/09/2019 13:37

I don't think its selfish to not want marriage and kids if you are honest with your partner. I also dont think it means you don't want to be with them.

It sounds like he is being honest and your friend is being dishonest if she is pretending she's ok with it and she's not.

MulticolourMophead · 03/09/2019 13:39

I think he's stringing her along, with your updates.

RainbowJumpers · 03/09/2019 13:39

It sounds like he’s not that in to her.

I know someone who didn’t want to marry his gf or have children. They split up. He met someone else who already had 2 children, they got married and have had more children. So yes, turns out he did want to get married and have kids, just not with his ex.

Original poster
Redandwhitebollard · 03/09/2019 13:39

Perhaps you are right on that.
I mean he is a selfish man in general .
Needs plenty of ego stroking from her

OP posts:
CaMePlaitPas · 03/09/2019 13:42

Your friend is wasting her time. Of course a man of 30 can commit if he wants to. She'll be waiting a lifetime for kids/marriage with this one, and then he'll find someone else and break her heart.

Show her this thread OP, it might help her.

Iminagony · 03/09/2019 13:43

Not necessarily.
My now husband didn't want to ever get married or have kids.
We lived separately for 3 yrs. We got married after 8 yrs together and had dd a year later.

He has no regrets.

How important is marriage and kids to you?

I thought marriage was important to me. Then I got used to the idea it would never happen and was ok with that. Then he proposed (we had been together over 7 yrs then). Not saying this is how your situation would turn out but it doesn't mean it's certainly doomed.

Durgasarrow · 03/09/2019 13:44

yes

FetchezLaVache · 03/09/2019 13:47

I think whether he doesn't want marriage and kids at all or just with your friend, the outcome is pretty much the same for her... But he sounds generally quite uncommitted to her and an emotional taker rather than a giver. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he strung your friend along for a good few more years before dropping her like a hot brick when The Love Of His Life comes along.

raspberryk · 03/09/2019 13:48

Idk, I don't want to get married again, never did in the first place but he did the "you aren't commited properly blah blah", now I'm divorced.
I do not want to get married a second time but I'm utterly commited to my partner of 2 years. To me it is quite literally an expensive piece of paper undone by an even more expensive piece of paper.
Regarding children, I have 2 and thought I was done. 2 years ago I was dead set against having any more ever. Just recently I'm coming round to the idea of another at some point in the future.

taytosandwich · 03/09/2019 13:49

I think you have to take people at their word. There are women out there who don't want those things either, should they be believed?

ShadyLady53 · 03/09/2019 13:51

I absolutely 100% agree with you. At 30, my ex (who I adored) broke it to me that he didn’t ever want marriage and kids, under any circumstances.

I said your words “with me. You don’t want marriage and kids with me” and he cried and swore till he was blue in the face that he just couldn’t see himself ever beating the responsibility that came with being a husband and father and that it upset him when I said “you will. You just haven’t met the right person”. He told me his childhood had traumatised him too much and that although he’d happily propose and “put a ring on my (sic) finger” he couldn’t ever give me the children he knew I wanted. By the way, I never ever brought up marriage and children to him or put pressure on him, he just burst out crying one day and told me all this.

We broke up a few months later because he was in an “online” relationship with a younger girl on the other side of the world.

It’s now five years on. They’ve never lived together (their relationship has been mainly online with the odd week long holiday) but they are getting married this month and he’s moving to her country. She wants kids. They’ll have them.

I hate to say I told you so but...I told you so.

Sucks to know I wasn’t enough and that I’ve been single ever since but in all honesty I dodged a huge fucking bullet.

ShadyLady53 · 03/09/2019 13:53

Oh btw he swore blind I was “the right person” he just didn’t ever want to get married and have children Hmm.

BarbariansMum · 03/09/2019 13:56

It occurs to me that, if women were mature enough to propose themselves if they want to be married, it'd be a hell of a lot more difficult to "string them along".

TeaForTara · 03/09/2019 13:59

I fear that you are right but she doesn't want to see it. Not a lot you can do except be there for her (and don't say "I told you so" when it all goes wrong.)

Monday55 · 03/09/2019 13:59

He just doesn't want them with her. My DH never entertained conversation about marriage or kids with any of his past ex gfs as he genuinely didnt see a future with them. With me it's all we talked about at the beginning of the relationship.

Original poster
Redandwhitebollard · 03/09/2019 14:07

Why is she hanging in there so? I can’t show her this thread. She is not a strong person emotionally but I think I should set the seed for her own sake. She’s desperate to settle into married life . I don’t understand her as she was burnt so badly for years by a twat.personally I think he is totally fake given his mr nice guy act but yet bins her off when He gets a better opportunity to hang out with his mates .

OP posts:
Itsnotmesothere · 03/09/2019 14:12

I don't think you should gamble with your fertility if children and marriage are very important to you. A lot of us have had these non-committal "relationships" when younger which is ok but if you really want kids and marriage you need to look at what the man is doing rather than saying. If you've been together for a long time and he's still saying he's not quite ready yet, get rid while you are still fertile.

Original poster
Redandwhitebollard · 03/09/2019 14:20

She has been unlucky in love . My heart is broke for her . She has a lot to give but I fear she is going to settle for this man if he keeps going out with her and will be miserable trying to keep him happy .She is in love . All I can see is my lovely bf gushing when he is nearby and making a fool of herself . She tends to his every want, tells him he is the most wonderful man alive. I hate bursting her bubble of love . He walks all over her

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 03/09/2019 14:22

Why not?
Wish Mumsnet was around decades ago !

AnneKipanki · 03/09/2019 14:23

Show the thread.

lubeybooby · 03/09/2019 14:27

sounds to me like he just doesn't want these things with her. One of those types who strings her along til she's verging on too old for kids, then leaves her for a 25 yr old he knocks up and marries straight away

If she wants marriage and kids she should have some self respect and dignity and go find the person out there who wants it with her. Not pathetically cling on hoping for signs and crumbs of commitment here and there.

MerryChristmasHarry · 03/09/2019 14:31

I don't think it especially matters either way. If he's telling you he isn't sure about marriage and kids, it doesn't much matter if he would then go on to have them with someone else. It just matters that he isn't sure about them with you.

The questions for your friend are, does she think he is likely to change his mind, and is she happy to continue in the relationship in these circumstances? Thirty is a bit of a weird age like that though. Some of them are still in the extended Peter Pan stage and will change their tune soon enough, for others they're clear what they want and they stick to it.

ShadyLady53 · 03/09/2019 14:37

Everyone told me to get rid of my ex but I was in that love bubble too. Questions that helped were, “I just don’t get how you can love someone who treats you like this/does x?” And gently pointing out that he always took and never gave, didn’t show much respect for me and that I was constantly making excuses for him. I always defended him and made excuses for his treatment of me. It took a while for the rose tinted glasses to slip but they did eventually and the fact that I’d fallen for such a horrible guy led me to counselling thanks to my friends pointing out, with love, that it’s not really healthy or natural to love someone who treats you badly.

You can’t make her leave him. It has to happen in its own time as her decision.

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