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AIBU?

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Original poster

is husband having an affair

80 replies

brokenuser · 03/09/2019 00:32

i am a new user, long time lurker.

This is a long post so please bear with me. I found a simple mobile phone that had slipped between the settee. It wasn't mine, nor my husbands. Opening it, I saw there were text messages between one number only along the lines of 'who is this' ending more recently with 'i am desperate to see you'.

This could only have been from my husband, as we dont get visitors, and just that evening, my husband had fallen asleep on the settee after coming in from work. I am assuming it had fallen out his pocket. I was angry, and barged upstairs showing him the phone. He denied it, saying it was a phone he had found and bought it in.
To cut a very long story short, he denied it completely, and I almost had a mental breakdown as I just don't know or don't want to believe he is having an affair is true. I think my almost mental breakdown came from me knowing I wasn't imagining it to be nothing but being made to believe it was.
We put a plaster on the whole thing, and tried to move past it.

We have school age 3 children together, and are from a very traditional family that doesn't support divorce or drama even. I haven't been able to tell anyone this in real life, so just needed somewhere I could write it to believe it did happen.

Anyway, if you got this far, thank you for reading, any advise is greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2019 00:37

Your husband is lying and gaslighting you. The phone is his, he didn't "find" it. You know he is lying to you. Now you have to decide what you're going to do about it. Are you going to bury your head in the sand and allow him to make a mockery of your marriage, or are you going to stand up for yourself and refuse to be treated like a fool?

Shockers · 03/09/2019 00:37

When did this happen and where is the phone now?

Brooklynninenineninetynine · 03/09/2019 00:41

Have you tried googling the number that the texts are coming from?

SmartyPants0 · 03/09/2019 00:43

Hang on to the phone and see if any more messages come through. Have any pictures been sent or received? Are there any other contact numbers in the phone?
Does the time of the messages coinside with him being at work or an evening when you are together?
Try to keep an open mind until you get more evidence Flowers

AliciaQuays · 03/09/2019 00:50

How could he not know who he was texting

hotwaterbottle12 · 03/09/2019 00:51

Contact the number and see who it is. It's obviously his phone.

MrsEricBana · 03/09/2019 00:54

I too think call the number. Doesn't look good but it may be innocent.

Original poster
brokenuser · 03/09/2019 01:08

i did call the number and a lady answered- i didn't speak and she only said 'hello' a few times before i disconnected it. I dont have the mobile anymore as he broke it when i barged in.

I wont be able to reply to anymore messages until the morning as he has just come back in from work and dont want him seeing the thread.

OP posts:
crustycrab · 03/09/2019 01:10

Jesus Christ. Why would he smash up someone else's phone he'd "found".

He's having an affair OP and you know it.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/09/2019 01:11

Yep. Affair.

zxcvhjkl · 03/09/2019 01:16

Ah the old burner phone trick hey. Deep down and certainly from his reactions you know he is hiding something. Why smash something that "isn't his"? Why is he so angry?

Appreciate your family don't do drama, divorce etc but you and your children deserve better.

PleasenomoreIcanttakeit · 03/09/2019 01:18

Oh dear yes, the smashing of the phone would confirm it for me.

Mollie3 · 03/09/2019 01:24

I have to agree, that is typical guilty behaviour, destroying evidence that would incriminate him further.
It could be an escort he was chatting to. I know that doesn’t make it much better or depending on your opinion could he worse..
Did you note down the number? If so I’d call back and actually talk to the woman in question. Just ask her straight out how she knows your husband as you found messages. Stay polite but to the point. From personal experience the ‘other woman’ usually gives you the information you need and has been lied to as well. By the same man, in this case, your husband.

tolerable · 03/09/2019 01:27

did you call from the phone..or your own? ie is it listed in your outgoing calls?

TanMateix · 03/09/2019 01:35

Your family don’t do drama or divorce? Ha!

Sorry OP but what a dreadful life your family must have, they may be very lucky finding the right person that never changes or... spend their lives unhappy, turning a blind eye to cheating and disgraceful behaviour just to keep up the appearance of a happy marriage?

Please don’t pass such course to your children, you and them deserve live a life around people who are honest not those pretending everything is ok in a rotten environment.

Yes, he is having an affair and you are choosing to believe him. You have two options: pretend you never saw the phone so you can pretend you have a good marriage or... have some dignity, demand to stop being treated as a fool and ask him to own up and work to save your marriage before you change the locks.

AnotherAdultHumanFemale · 03/09/2019 01:38

Sorry OP, this sounds awful to be going through. It sounds like he's having an affair or seeing an escort, is lying and gaslighting you, and alongside destroying the phone this all is technically classed as domestic abuse. Please ring the national domestic abuse helpline for advice, it isn't safe to stay with someone who is acting like this and you deserve better. Google the Power and Control Wheel and also the Cycle of Abuse and see if it resonates.

duffyluth · 03/09/2019 01:43

2 points....

  1. He is violent.
  1. You are unable to use the Internet freely for fear of him finding out what you are posting.

Is he having an affair? Possibly, but the 2 points above would be enough for me not to want to remain in a relationship with him.

I'm sorry OP Thanks

ILearnedItFromABook · 03/09/2019 01:48

I'm afraid I agree that his breaking the phone would seem to confirm that it was indeed his.

Even if you (or just your family) believe in the sanctity of marriage and that divorce should be avoided, it's not your fault if your husband hasn't held up his end of the bargain. You deserve to be treated with respect, and your children deserve to have a mother who isn't constantly worrying that her husband is cheating.

I'd be extremely suspicious, at this point, and looking for more evidence. Ultimately, however, you don't need "proof". Trust your instincts.

WorriedSENMum · 03/09/2019 01:49

Sounds highly suspect. Time to start thinking about the future!

AMidsummersNightsNightmare · 03/09/2019 01:56

I’d be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt if it wasn’t for the smashing the phone. Someone with nothing to hide wouldn’t smash a phone

NicEv · 03/09/2019 02:03

I am so sorry you are in this position. Could you visit the GP to seek some counselling ? Your post suggests you are isolated (no visitors) and you aren’t getting support from your family. I was worried about your isolation and the violence from your husband. You have a lot to cope with - is there a way you can access some support?

CheeryB · 03/09/2019 02:24

My advice is to keep posting here and to listen to what people are telling you. Your husband has other wonan/women

Jesaminecollins · 03/09/2019 02:44

Yes I think he is having an affair - If I was you I would confront him and tell him you need him to tell you the truth or your marriage is over. (probably is anyway)

My next door neighbour noticed her husband of over 25 years was texting a lot on his phone and few months later he packed his bag and left - I have posted about this before. Two years later she still doesn't know where he has moved to or if there is another woman. I am amazed she hasn't followed him home from where he works to see if he has moved in with another woman - I know I would want to know.

heeebeee · 03/09/2019 03:01

Behaviour sounds guilty I’m afraid.

If it’s a basic phone, you can remove the sim and plug into a new phone to read message history. I’d do this first thing tomorrow and see if there is anything new sent.

Sorry you’re going through this.

CheeryB · 03/09/2019 03:31

Sadly, it's true, If your partner has a secretive phone ,, even if he's not cheating on you, he's dealing drugs.

Dump his sorry arse. And do it soon

But you won't though. You will continue on with this waste of space. . .