Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is husband having an affair

80 replies

brokenuser · 03/09/2019 00:32

i am a new user, long time lurker.

This is a long post so please bear with me. I found a simple mobile phone that had slipped between the settee. It wasn't mine, nor my husbands. Opening it, I saw there were text messages between one number only along the lines of 'who is this' ending more recently with 'i am desperate to see you'.

This could only have been from my husband, as we dont get visitors, and just that evening, my husband had fallen asleep on the settee after coming in from work. I am assuming it had fallen out his pocket. I was angry, and barged upstairs showing him the phone. He denied it, saying it was a phone he had found and bought it in.
To cut a very long story short, he denied it completely, and I almost had a mental breakdown as I just don't know or don't want to believe he is having an affair is true. I think my almost mental breakdown came from me knowing I wasn't imagining it to be nothing but being made to believe it was.
We put a plaster on the whole thing, and tried to move past it.

We have school age 3 children together, and are from a very traditional family that doesn't support divorce or drama even. I haven't been able to tell anyone this in real life, so just needed somewhere I could write it to believe it did happen.

Anyway, if you got this far, thank you for reading, any advise is greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 03/09/2019 03:34

Breaking the phone would also do it for me.

Why would he break someone else phone if he found it? Just doesn't make sense. I'd also bet on that being the only number stored in the phone.

Who has the sim card?

CheeryB · 03/09/2019 03:44

It really pisses me off that young women will put up with all this crap
You see all these elderly loved up couples?
You have to find a bloke who is not a complete knob head
There is a huge supply of very nice kind men..
Most young men are nice and kind, as are most young women.

Your bloke sounds like an utter knob. I'd dump him.

Tonka2 · 03/09/2019 04:03

OP - he is never going to admit to it. You don't have a smoking gun. A lot of people in your situation choose to give their partner the benefit of the doubt, because it's easier than facing the truth. I suppose it comes down to, do you really want to know? Because if you don't, it's easy to accept that it's a possibility he picked up someone's phone.

What happened to the broken phone? Can you retrieve the sim card? I'm assuming he broke it in a fit if pique because you had the temerity to accuse him of having an affair? And I'm assuming he got rid of the broken phone and sim card?

StealthPussy · 03/09/2019 04:16

Yes he’s most likely cheating on you. Get an STD check.

willowmelangell · 03/09/2019 04:25

A phone needs a charger. Find the charger and you have proof its your husbands phone. Check gym bags, jacket pockets and his car.

His over reaction speaks volumes.
Can you retrieve the chip 'thingy' ? (sorry, tired, can't think of proper name) put chip thingy in your phone and ask the woman if she has lost her phone.

willowmelangell · 03/09/2019 04:27

x post with Tonka2 ! SIM, retrieve the SIM.

Jesaminecollins · 03/09/2019 04:28

Every one loves Husband Having An Affair threads on this site Grin

I am not trying to make light of this subject - just making an observation

MyOtherProfile · 03/09/2019 04:30

Do you have any other reason to believe he could be having an affair?

Jesaminecollins · 03/09/2019 04:31

This is what I would do - first put a tracker on his phone (I have one on my husbands just to check where he is because he does sometimes lie about his whereabouts) Next check his bank statements to see if he has been buying stuff for the other woman and finally smell his clothes - you can always smell the other woman on men.

Then if he has been up to no good ask him to leave immediately and start divorce proceedings.

Monty27 · 03/09/2019 04:53

Get the SIM if you can. Try and get the number even if inserting it in an old phone or buy a burner and get it that way.
It's too late now but you had loads of chances to get proof there.
Good luck

Palaver1 · 03/09/2019 05:58

Next time and there will be a next time.
Be calm take a deep breath before reacting
He most likely is having an affair.Evidence has been destroyed.
That’s why he destroyed the phone.
Remember whatever you do if the house is owned by both of you you cannot force him to leave the home as it belongs to you both

SmartyPants0 · 03/09/2019 06:37

I'm sorry but him breaking the phone is a massive overreaction and it looks like he's hiding something.
I would definitely look for more evidence and as someone up thread said... see if you can find the charger. Could it be in his car? Gym bag? Work bag?
This whole incident needs to be addressed and cannot be swept under the carpet

AJPTaylor · 03/09/2019 07:14

You don't really need anymore validation though do you? Your rational brain knows exactly what is going on.
Fwiw I had a friend who went through similar. He denied, she knew, they "got over it". Until the moment several years later when she had a flat tyre on the family car and the RAC man handed her the burner phone he found in the spare wheel compartment of the car. He had continued with the same affair.

AmIThough · 03/09/2019 07:30

Did you phone from your phone?
If so, phone again and say 'oh hello, I've found a phone but it had no signal to call from. Yours was the only number on there, do you have any idea who it belongs to so I can try to return it?'

MashedSpud · 03/09/2019 07:39

Time is of the essence in cases like these.

As soon as you alert the other person of your suspicions he’s going to contact the ow as soon as possible to get a story concocted to save his cheating ass.

I know your emotions made you react quickly but if you find anything else, take photos of conversations, photos sent/received and write down info such as phone numbers as back up too.

IhaveALooBrush · 03/09/2019 07:40

He has you right where he wants you.
He can treat you anyway he wants, and he wants to cheat on you, and because of the no divorce thing he can get away with it.
Next time you catch him out, and you will, he will probably blame it on you for not being affectionate enough or some bollocks.

Fuck that.
Solicitor.

IamtheOA · 03/09/2019 07:41

Yes, get the SIM card- see what other contacts there are.

My ex had a secret phone he kept in the car. He said he just liked the phone.
I believed it, and didn't follow it up.
We broke up because he was a big fat liar. I have no doubt he was messing around, and if I had followed the phone up, then I would have saved myself years of crap.

Rosielily · 03/09/2019 07:42

I wont be able to reply to anymore messages until the morning as he has just come back in from work and dont want him seeing the thread.

Why would he see the thread? Does he monitor your phone/internet usage?

toadabode · 03/09/2019 07:48

Yes he's having an affair

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 03/09/2019 07:50

The fact that he broke the phone is the biggest sign here - suggests he has something to hide to prevent you contacting this woman.

Woarr · 03/09/2019 07:52

No he’s not having an affair but may have done in the past . He’s obvious chasing somebody . Maybe an ex girlfriend ? Or someone he DID have some sort of affair with ? Perhaps the affairs has ended but he wants more ?

The secret phone is definately the bigger issue for me , cuz it means he’s planned a lot around these secret communications.

Don’t accept the shit. You call the woman and ask her why your husband is messaging her plus what is going on. Also , if he is from s traditional family ...... I’d consider telling his parents !

Sara2117 · 03/09/2019 08:01

He’ll have another phone, hidden or kept in his car. My ex once left his phone in my car - I couldn’t understand why he was so frantic to get to it when I returned home. I soon found out Shock

Very sorry this has happened to you OP

Didntwanttochangemyname · 03/09/2019 08:30

What are you going to do OP?

Kplpandd · 03/09/2019 09:05

Smashing the phone confirms it for me too.

PooWillyBumBum · 03/09/2019 09:37

He smashed the phone?!

If he really found it and forgot why not just say “ha, I found it. I realise it seems odd so why don’t we ring one of the numbers in the phone to find who owns it and go and return it together?”

Surely that’s an appropriate response?

Swipe left for the next trending thread