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AIBU?

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Original poster

is husband having an affair

80 replies

brokenuser · 03/09/2019 00:32

i am a new user, long time lurker.

This is a long post so please bear with me. I found a simple mobile phone that had slipped between the settee. It wasn't mine, nor my husbands. Opening it, I saw there were text messages between one number only along the lines of 'who is this' ending more recently with 'i am desperate to see you'.

This could only have been from my husband, as we dont get visitors, and just that evening, my husband had fallen asleep on the settee after coming in from work. I am assuming it had fallen out his pocket. I was angry, and barged upstairs showing him the phone. He denied it, saying it was a phone he had found and bought it in.
To cut a very long story short, he denied it completely, and I almost had a mental breakdown as I just don't know or don't want to believe he is having an affair is true. I think my almost mental breakdown came from me knowing I wasn't imagining it to be nothing but being made to believe it was.
We put a plaster on the whole thing, and tried to move past it.

We have school age 3 children together, and are from a very traditional family that doesn't support divorce or drama even. I haven't been able to tell anyone this in real life, so just needed somewhere I could write it to believe it did happen.

Anyway, if you got this far, thank you for reading, any advise is greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
queenMab99 · 03/09/2019 09:40

It is really hard to tell other people or your family in real life, when you suspect or know your husband is having an affair, and there has never been a divorce or separation in your family. It is as though telling people makes it real! I put off admitting it for years, but when I told my no nonsense, older sister, she was unexpectedly, immensely supportive.
I am not advocating going in with all guns blazing, accusing him, but keep a grip on reality and don't let him gaslight you. You need to keep your sense of self alive! Wait until you are sure and then decide what you want to do. It took me 4 painful years to come to the decision that there was no future in our marriage, once I came to that point there was no going back, I am glad I gave it every chance, and have nothing to regret.

Raphael34 · 03/09/2019 09:44

Of course he’s having an affair. He smashed up the evidence as soon as you found it. I was about to suggest texting the number yourself pretending to be him and try and get info out of this woman. Can you retrieve the SIM card or has he confiscated the remains of the phone too?

maddening · 03/09/2019 09:48

He won't have broken the sim card.

He is on alert that you are suspicious and he is obviously careful with the separate phone but if you need evidence then digging should uncover something, bide your time.

StreetwiseHercules · 03/09/2019 09:53

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AmIThough · 03/09/2019 09:54

@StreetwiseHercules 'a simple mobile phone'. Not all mobiles are smart phones. You can buy really basic phones for £15 from supermarkets that you can't password protect etc.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/09/2019 09:55

I dont have the mobile anymore as he broke it when i barged in
Yep, he's having an affair.
If he had just found it he would be trying to find out who's phone it was and not smashing it up.
It's HIS affair phone.
Simple as that.
So what now for you OP?
Could you get the SIM out of the phone and get the number and try to ascertain what has been going on?
Where is the smashed up phone now?

kaytee87 · 03/09/2019 09:56

The fact that he broke the phone absolutely confirms that he's having an affair. If it was a random phone he found he wouldn't have reacted like that.

StreetwiseHercules · 03/09/2019 09:59

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IsobelRae23 · 03/09/2019 10:01

You don’t break the phone if it’s someone else’s, he done it because it’s his and he’s hiding it. I’m sorry.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 03/09/2019 10:06

I'd say yes it does sound like he is having an affair. If I had found someone elses phone I'd laugh or be shocked if my husband asked if it was mine, and suggest we ring the number. I'm sure most people would.

Don't go in all guns blazing though. He wont admit anything and sounds a bit violent. I would sit back and pretend everything is ok, and plan. Sorry this has happened

Original poster
brokenuser · 03/09/2019 11:05

thank you for.the replies-
i had no idea what gaslighting was but that makes so much sense and exactly what i went through.
i didnt want him to see the thread as i said, we have put a plaster on the whole thing and dont want him to know its still on my mind (this happened 2 weeks ago) as i just want to prepare/ look without him knowing.
there is some excellent advise about trackers and looking for mobile chargers which i am going to follow.
my family is very traditional, of the view that sweep it under the carpet which isnt healthy, so no repurcussions but i need to KNOW it happened before i can move forward or CONFIRM i didnt make it up as that is what is messing with me.

i dont have the phone or sim.as he broke it and threw it away. i know its pathetic, and in someone elses shoes i would be saying the same: leave him,but i do love him but i am broken at the moment, pretending to be me and not in a place to make huge decesions until i KNOW/ have proof.

OP posts:
PullingMySocksUp · 03/09/2019 11:11

Either he’s up to no good on that phone
Or he’s telling the truth but had a totally irrational, violent temper tantrum

I don’t think either is great...Sad

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 03/09/2019 11:20

Hi OP

You might have to accept you have all the proof you're going to get.

Did the messages you read souns like him?

You found a spare phone in your house that can only be his
It had messages on it suggesting an affair (no one is desperate to see anyone else usually)
He got angry and smashed it up

Unless you actually see him having sex with her, which I doubt you will, you're unlikely to get anything more concrete and even if you do, he will deny and fabricate another story. Now you've found the phone he will be a lot more careful as well. Check his car / garage or shed or wardrobes etc if makes you feel better but I'm sorry, he is really likely up to something and it's really likely you wont get concrete proof

PicsInRed · 03/09/2019 11:37

Where did he throw it away to?
Is it in your bin, including the outside one?

He's absolutely having an affair. All that remains is to uncover the identity of the affair partner.

PicsInRed · 03/09/2019 11:40

If this happened too long ago for the sim to still be in the bin, have a look for newish FB friends, especially young(ish) women from his work.

The answer is likely there. Flowers

RushianDisney · 03/09/2019 12:13

He is 100% having an affair, have a look at the adultery Reddit and see how devious people can be. You know he is lying to you, but only you can make the decision about what to do next. You can turn a blind eye and continue the sham of a marriage or you can divorce and free yourself.

kateandme · 03/09/2019 14:48

i dont know how muh more proof you might get hun.this is it.he will now be covering his tracks.this happens to many woman and they might not know until a few months or years later becasue its all been covered up again,but better.but its still going on.

Woarr · 03/09/2019 15:24

Just ask him to leave . Tell him to go fuck the other woman all he likes . Tell him you know that he is lying . Also ask HIM to tell the children why he has been asked to leave .

Just tell him you are NOT going to be a door mat and that you are done with him and his bullshit .

Yes you love him , but all of us have had a heart broken by some twat whom we love and who doesn’t deserve that love .

Would you rather waste the rest of your life pretending everything is ok , whilst knowing deep down that he is hiding some shit , or would you rather you break yourself free from the doubt and go out and have a bloody good time yourself .

You are a woman and women haven’t been placed on this earth to suffer while men try to put their dick in anything that moves .

He won’t respect YOU if YOU don’t respect yourself first .

InterestingView · 03/09/2019 15:27

Good lord get rid of him Op!! Hes a violent lying cheat!!

Flower64 · 03/09/2019 16:00

My ex did this to me TWICE. On the first occasion I believed the spin he put on it (messages were on his own phone) On the second occasion I found the spare phone under the bed..... he is having an affair - no one has a spare phone that they claim to have found and then smash it up

whattodowith · 03/09/2019 16:08

Yep, obviously cheating. I would have bought the story about it being someone else’s phone if he hadn’t smashed it, why would anyone innocent do that?

ellzebellze · 03/09/2019 16:11

I was going to say that it was probably a drug dealer's phone and he genuinely had found it. Until you said he had smashed it.

notapizzaeater · 03/09/2019 16:22

No normal person would smash a phone up they'd found unless they had an ulterior motive.

SunshineCake · 03/09/2019 16:34

I am sorry, OP. Whether he's cheated or not he's treating you appallingly and I'd suggest he moves out for a bit.

LucyAutumn · 03/09/2019 17:12

Sorry OP, think you know the truth, hope you manage to move forward from this in the right direction for you.