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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask, if a married woman left her dh, financially would she be better off leaving as a sahm or if she sorted out a job first

70 replies

Lardlizard · 03/09/2019 00:02

But if she got a job, she would only really want to work part time term time

If someone was, ahem, just getting those ducks in a row before tough talks

OP posts:
JudgeRindersMinder · 03/09/2019 00:05

If you mean in terms of maintenance, I’d be getting a job ASAP. You only need to look at the number of threads on here about ex partners who don’t pay their share
I think it’s very unusual for spousal maintenance to be paid these days

timshelthechoice · 03/09/2019 00:07

I'd get a FT job first. It's all UC these days. You don't want to go down that road unless you have to.

Bringonspring · 03/09/2019 00:14

Of course with a job, what if your ex didn’t pay you?

Turndownforshallot · 03/09/2019 01:46

I think it would be wise for her to get a job now and get settled, possibly look for a somwhere In a primary school- either TA or admin. Then once she’s in a routine in her new job, have the tough talk.

BoomBoomsCousin · 03/09/2019 02:23

In terms of maintenance, unless you're exceedingly well off, what you earn won't make any difference. That's based on what your spouse earns. In terms of the financial settlement, it might make a difference. A friend of mine got an increased portion of the assets to help her pay for training to return to work in a better paying job (at least, that's what she said the extra settlement was about).

Unfortunately, you need to find and pay to talk with a SHL (shit hot lawyer), not a bunch of people on the Internet.

TheBadCop · 03/09/2019 06:39

depends what the DH earns. unless he is a very high earner, you will only get child maintenance and you will have to work. Full time probably as UC will get onto your heels otherwise.

is there anything preventing you from working? term time jobs are incredibly difficult to find. do you have a disabled child for whom you cannot access childcare (I do so fully understand that there are limitations work wise).

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 03/09/2019 06:42

Unless you are looking at spousal maintenance I'd say it all depends on your circumstances.

What's your earnings capacity? Do you have a mortgage. Do you receive any state benefits or tax credits at mo?

Pikapikachooo · 03/09/2019 06:44

Get a job . You never want to be financially dependant in someone . Ever
I would personally get a job and build career back and try and live in relative peace whilst you do that . Highly recommend getting the Marilyn Stowe book from amazon to fully educate yourself on family law

My main takeaway is that it’s very child
Focussed and less alimony focussed these days
How
Old are kids ??

Birdie379 · 03/09/2019 06:45

My friend recently split from her DH. She earns £600 from a part time job, £400 from the ex in csa, £160 in child benefit and £700 in child tax credits.

Have a look at the child benefit calculator to see what you’ll be entitled to.

BanginChoons · 03/09/2019 06:46

How old are the children?

PotteringAlong · 03/09/2019 06:48

She might only want to work part time but can she afford to do so as a single parents?

OP, get a full time job, sort out childcare and then start saving.

blackcat86 · 03/09/2019 06:50

The reality is you will need almost exclusively support your DC unless you're looking at 50/50 custody. I have a friend who works in a nursery so it's a short day and term time only. As lovely as she is her finances are dire and her flat isn't nice. Shes absolutely doing her best but it isn't a life I would be aspiring to. Get out and work full time, building a career that can actually support your DC. Could you use this time to start in a sector or retrain?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 03/09/2019 07:09

She might only want a part time term time only job but the fact is she will have herself and children to support so it’s very unlikely to cover the bills. Not to mention finding that kind of job won’t be easy.

Never wise to rely on another adult and benefits should be an all time last resort when no choice. Outcomes for children are affected by parents financial support, or lack off.

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 03/09/2019 07:16

Get. A. Job. Full time and discuss ex-DH having the kids more hours or 50/50 and contributions to childcare.
Do you want to be financially dependent on someone else ? You’ll be worse if as you’ll Be given money for kids only according to how much you have them versus your ex.
Unless your circumstances are unusually - ex has a business that you help set up and run unwaged etc

meditrina · 03/09/2019 07:23

Spousal maintenance is extremely unlikely to evawarded other than for a short fixed period to allow for re-training/job-hunting

Get yourself back in the workforce asap, and re-establish financial independence as early as possible. It is definitely the best in the longer term

You might need to abandon the idea of termtime hours only or parttime at all. Concentrate of finding work that is well enough paid to support the new family unit.

Letseatgrandma · 03/09/2019 07:23

But if she got a job, she would only really want to work part time term time

I would say 95% of the population probably want to work part time term time!

Unless you’re in an incredibly well paid career, chances are that’s not going to pay the bills, is it?!

What do you earn?
What maintenance will you get from your DH (or check his earnings and now many kids you have and look it up)
How much are the mortgage and bills?

That will tell you what you need to earn.

If you don’t already have a well paid part time job that’s term time only, think for a minute how many people want them and how easy they are going to be to get before you make too many plans.

Are you currently a SAHM? What is your education/career so far?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/09/2019 07:30

Depends completely on a host of factors - how many DC, how much maintenance ex would pay, how much childcare costs would be, whether you have a mortgage or rent.

When I left my ex I had no job. But we rented so I could claim full housing benefit at that time. And I only had one child and he wasn't school age so there wasn't massive pressure on me from the jobcentre to get a job - so applying for benefits was easy.

I now have a job, but it is part time school hours and so my earnings are topped up with tax credits, and as I still rent I still get some housing benefit. If you have a mortgage you won't get this so unless you can fully rely on your ex to be consistent with maintenance you may have to work more hours.

It is all Universal Credit now which I understand is a lot harder to claim (I haven't been moved over yet). But you can claim 75% of your childcare costs back if you need to work full time.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/09/2019 07:32

Or it may be 85%, sorry. I'm not completely sure on that one!

statetrooperstacey · 03/09/2019 07:33

This is probably out of date advice but when I went to see a solicitor for advice in leaving my exh ( 12 ish years ago) I was unable to access any kind of legal aid until I had a regular income, any income, from work or benefits. At the time I was working as bank staff so some months a decent wage other months nothing. I needed a regular income. I went away got a regular job and went back a few month later.
If you want to leave You need a job.regardless

ShiftHappens · 03/09/2019 07:36

I never understood why someone would want to create this financial dependence.

I can only work part time and might have to leave work completely (disabled child getting older and childcare options are disappearing) and it is utterly crap knowing I will never be fully financially independent. I would give anything to be able to access childcare and work full time and be independent. I really don't get this mindset of expecting an (ex)partner to finance your life. where is the appeal in that???

Ilovecolinjackson · 03/09/2019 07:50

Did you see the panarama programme last night on school budgets op?
The Head was having to cut staffing this happens in most schools now. Throw in the fact that an awful lot people would love term time for child care purposes, you would need to forget about term time only as they are few and far between, highly sought after and often fixed term.
So, you would would need to factor childcare during school holidays too.

I would look for a job, see what it pays and determine if I could afford to work due to child care.

Sagradafamiliar · 03/09/2019 08:01

It depends on whether you'd be going back to work in a well paid profession or looking at minimum wage on part time hours. In the case of the latter, if you're not in a UC area then you will be better off on benefits. It's not the answer people like but that's the government's fault. If you're trying to get yourself out of a tricky situation, fuck what anyone thinks.

illybean · 03/09/2019 08:23

See a solicitor. You can see one for free normally initially and I did this with 3x solicitors so got all the advice I needed. To stay at home married with a chain around my foot Grin
It did however help me know what I have to do in order to leave. I got a job a week after leaving the solicitors and am squirrelling away money. My dc in private schools so I can’t just walk out as would seriously affect a lot more than just myself. Am happy though in the knowledge I know where I stand. Maintenance is very difficult to get.

MerryChristmasHarry · 03/09/2019 08:44

Nowhere near enough information here.

What jurisdiction do you live in, how many kids, how old, any SN how much does DH earn, what are the assets inc equity in the property, are you in a UC area, when did you last work?

Ponoka7 · 03/09/2019 08:50

"I think it would be wise for her to get a job now and get settled, possibly look for a somwhere In a primary school- either TA or admin"

Those ate two completely different jobs, with different qualifications needed, as well as experience etc.

OP, it depends on your living circumstances and qualifications.

You might be better off on UC as a newly separated LP and then look for work.

You will have upset children to deal with, as well as working out access etc.

How soon are you looking to leave?