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AIBU?

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Original poster

To text him about this?

56 replies

ElleDriver · 02/09/2019 13:15

Really sensitive issue between me and dp atm. Have tried to talk to him about it face to face and it just becomes awkward and really difficult to communicate. Nothing seems to get resolved.

I don't want to keep bringing it up but it is playing on my mind a lot. I'm sat at work stewing on it now and so tempted to text him but I know he'll be busy too and probably won't be received very well at this time.

Do I bite the bullet and just get it all out or do I wait and have another probably failed face to face conversation about it? I'm not usually an impulsive person as in I wouldn't usually just blurt stuff out or send these type of texts willy nilly but this is really getting to me.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 02/09/2019 13:16

What do you need to say and what's his reaction when you try?

GinDaddy · 02/09/2019 13:18

Can you share a headline of what it’s about? Hard to say otherwise

Original poster
ElleDriver · 02/09/2019 13:18

It's a bit of a sensitive issue. Sex related. Something I don't feel he is being honest with me about. Not cheating or anything like that but quite personal. When I talk to him about it he is visibly uncomfortable and basically just denies things and tells me what he thinks I want to hear. But im 95% sure that I'm right in being suspicious.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 02/09/2019 13:21

death grip OP ?

dollydaydream114 · 02/09/2019 13:26

If your DP is also at work, don't text him. Nobody is best placed to exchange texts about sensitive, complicated issues when they're at work. If he refuses to discuss it face to face, write him a letter and leave it for him at home to read in private, but don't text him when he's working.

Original poster
ElleDriver · 02/09/2019 13:29

@dollydaydream114 yeah I had thought of a letter or email. You're probably right. I'd be doing it for my own satisfaction of saying it clearly rather than the bumbled attempts face to face...

OP posts:
EAIOU · 02/09/2019 13:33

How long has this issue been going on for?

It can be difficult to find a resolve without effective communication. I think the letter suggestion from a PP is a great idea.

Stewing on it can lead to resentment. How likely is he to respond to a letter? If you feel he is in denial or telling you things you want to hear, are you going to believe his response to your letter?

Original poster
ElleDriver · 02/09/2019 13:41

Its an ongoing issue. We will plod along for a while ok and then it ends up playing on my mind again. Every time I bring it up I never really feel like he's being honest. I'm not sure how much of that is paranoia (or intuition?)

If I'm wrong it will clearly be very annoying for him to have me keep bringing it up. But I really don't think I am wrong. And I know I can't force honest communication which makes me question the future of the relationship.

Basically I discovered he has a certain fetish which he looks at online. I found out by accident. We have a very irregular sex life and he claims to me he has low libido but I really believe that this fetish (which isn't violent or disgusting or anything btw, just a bit weird) is a bigger part of his sexuality that he's letting on. I wouldn't particularly care about it but when our sex life is irregular I start to feel very resentful. I understand it's probably a part of his sexuality that he can't help but I would really like some honest communication about it. I think I deserve to know whether or not he finds his kink more arousing than a sex life with me.

OP posts:
Runninginthewild · 02/09/2019 13:47

How long have you and DP been together?
Is the link something you can look into a little more? Maybe explore together? It's always best to be open and honest about these things. Me and my DP have kinks and neither of us would be with the other if they didnt embrace it. It's kind of part of who we are.
I agree with previous posters about maybe writing it down. It can be hard to talk about it sometimes and you may feel like you haven't said everything you need to.

Original poster
ElleDriver · 02/09/2019 13:50

I wouldn't be against trying it. It's not my cup of tea particularly but I told him when I first found out that I would never judge him. The fact that he never told me to begin with and clams up about it when I try to talk about it tells me that he probably doesn't want me to be part of it. I get that he's maybe embarrassed. But I don't think he realises the damage that the doubts and insecurity is causing me.

I don't expect him to share all sexual aspects of himself with me. If he wants privacy fine. But when I'm being neglected I start to feel pretty shit about things. We have been together 4 years so not short term. I only found out about this about two years ago.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/09/2019 13:56

I think I deserve to know whether or not he finds his kink more arousing than a sex life with me.

Is that what you're asking him? And he is visibly uncomfortable asking, and denies it, but you feel strongly that he is just saying that because he thinks that is what you want to hear?

You're not going to find a comfortable way to have that conversation, you're essentially calling him a liar. Is he likely to respond to a letter, or read and ignore?

Is the problem that you think this fetish is a bigger part of his sex life than you thought, or that you're not having sex as much as you'd like? Could you address the latter head on instead, or is it important to you that this fetish isn't a big thing for him? Approaching this in a different way might work, he may feel that you are shaming him at the moment, rightly or wrongly.

Runninginthewild · 02/09/2019 13:56

What it is that you want him to tell you. What part of it makes you want to bring it up and discuss it? If you found out 2 years ago but it's still bothering you, it sounds like it's something you cant get over.
I think you need to sit down and get it all out in the open. Have the conversation and tell him everything you are thinking. Afterwards though I would suggest you stop bringing it up.
If you are also feeling neglected maybe you need a discussion about your sex life regardless of his kink.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 02/09/2019 14:01

I wouldn't send a text OP. He can just fire one back.

I'd write a letter, concentrate on your feelings and your sex life in general and less about the fetish

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 02/09/2019 14:02

If your sex life has gone wrong only 2 years into the relationship though and hasn't been great since, you might have to accept this is just how it is going to be, and decide whether you can live with it or not

Juells · 02/09/2019 14:04

You've been together four years, and you found out two years ago. That's all quite a short time frame, for sex to have become sparse enough for you to notice. TBH things will only get worse, and you'll waste a lot of years, end up with low self-esteem feeling unattractive.

Might be better to leave than hang around waiting for him to talk to you about it. What do you expect him to say? Yes, he has a fetish, yes it's more exciting than normal sex with you...? How will you feel if he says that?

Original poster
ElleDriver · 02/09/2019 14:04

I could handle the lack of sex if I truly believed he had a low libido or health issues or anything like that. I accepted it when we first got together and although I would probably like it slightly more, I can deal with what I'm getting.

However when you put the secret fetish in the equation it makes me think that it isn't low libido at all - it's him preferring something else to me. Which is hurtful. And yes when I ask him outright he denies it and tries to get off topic. I really do want an open honest conversation with him but I don't feel like I get it and let's face it what man is going to say 'yes darling I do prefer wanking over this borderline weird fetish'

It's really frustrating because we otherwise have a lovely relationship but this is really making me doubt things. I love him a lot and don't want to quit our relationship over this.

OP posts:
TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 02/09/2019 14:11

I would focus on feeling like you aren't enough for him and that you are unhappy with the level of sex in general rather than the fetish itself if you want to try and save the relationship.

The question is, whether the lack of sex bothers him and if he thinks its an issue. What would he be willing to do to save the relationship?

Sometimes relationships are great in a lot of respects which makes it hard to end them for one thing but I'd say that potentially incompatible sexual wants is a fairly big thing and I couldn't stay with someone in that scenario. Why settle for merely acceptable amount and continue to feel less than adequate?

Runninginthewild · 02/09/2019 14:14

Everyone has different things that they like. Clearly this fetish is what gets him off. It doesnt mean he loves you any less. It's up to you to accept it or not.
It's almost like you know the answer but you dont want to believe him.

Original poster
ElleDriver · 02/09/2019 14:18

I probably do know the answer if I'm truly honest with myself. But while he continues to deny things and shy away from any conversation about it there are always doubts in my mind.

I know he loves me but I feel like I just don't do it for him and that is hurtful.

OP posts:
Juells · 02/09/2019 14:29

The question is, whether the lack of sex bothers him

He isn't suffering from a lack of sex, though. He has his fetish. The only with the lack of sex is the OP.

Juells · 02/09/2019 14:31

That's how I'd be laying things out for myself to consider - that he's having a very satisfying, exciting sex life, so he's not bothered by the fact that you aren't. There's a deep unfairness there.

Original poster
ElleDriver · 02/09/2019 14:31

@Juells he isn't having sex with anyone lol. But I suspect he is seeing to himself when I'm not around. Which admittedly isn't often but even so. And I don't know for sure that he even is doing this but there are some signs that it's probably happened once or twice.

OP posts:
Omniverse · 02/09/2019 14:32

Put your feelings and thoughts down in a letter, be honest and say that you would like a conversation about the issues in the letter.

Suggest to him that you and he may benefit from couples counselling and that you will book something in with relate or perhaps a private couples therapist.

This is i guess for you a make or break situation, he needs to understand this issue is very important for your (both you and him) future harmony as a couple.

Wherearemycrayons · 02/09/2019 14:34

If I’ve got this right, you’ve said to him that you didn’t mind trying it, although it’s not really your thing.. what does he say to that? Is it really that embarrassing? I know a lot of people have different kinks but none are really that taboo anymore, it seems odd that he can’t open up to you about it.
How did you react to him when you first saw it?

Original poster
ElleDriver · 02/09/2019 14:38

@Wherearemycrayons I was shocked. And a bit pissed off. Not because of the fetish itself but because of all the alleged low libido shite.

I don't know why he doesn't want to share it with me. Perhaps it's just something he wants to keep for himself. He is loving and tactile to me, he always tells me I'm attractive but I just don't feel he sees me in the same sexual light as this kink. If it's something he's lived with for many years then I can almost understand it. I just wish he'd be honest

OP posts:
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