To text him about this?

[ElleDriver]

Really sensitive issue between me and dp atm. Have tried to talk to him about it face to face and it just becomes awkward and really difficult to communicate. Nothing seems to get resolved.

I don't want to keep bringing it up but it is playing on my mind a lot. I'm sat at work stewing on it now and so tempted to text him but I know he'll be busy too and probably won't be received very well at this time.

Do I bite the bullet and just get it all out or do I wait and have another probably failed face to face conversation about it? I'm not usually an impulsive person as in I wouldn't usually just blurt stuff out or send these type of texts willy nilly but this is really getting to me.

I’m very curious to know what the fetish is! (Sorry for being unhelpful and missing the point.)

I think I’d be dumping someone who clearly gets their kicks elsewhere.

Alternatively, you could try cutting through the conversation and engaging him with the fetish, if as you indicate, you would be up for experimenting. It is hard to say without knowing what it is... but is it something you could introduce some element or hint of, when he is already a little drunk and/or a little aroused - to show you are open and see if it excited him? Or, less directly, build some reference into conversation/ or something send him a photo/ buy a dress item that might connect in some way, and share it with him, lightly. This, I think is a far smaller psychological barrier to jump for some people, than sitting down to a 'serious heart to heart' in the broad daylight...as this fetish maybe something he is uncomfortable with and has never spoken explicitly about...

By having the conversation, wrapped up in your feelings about the relationship, you are automatically making the stakes very high.

My partner has been very effective at liberating me/ bringing me out of my shell and allowing me to voice my fantasies - but he does it by modeling talking openly while touching me, when I am excited, and being open and relaxed about everything and anything he gets back - not by calling a state of the union 'outing' discussion.

Obviously this suggestion only if you would actually like to try engaging with him in this way. You are under absolutely no obligation to do anything just to please him.

Good luck!

@ElleDriver I was going to put something along the lines of what @BraveGoldie said but she’s put it a lot better than I would have done!
Was going to say about introducing a little bit if that’s possible, again hard to say without knowing what it is but perhaps the reason is because of your reaction (which is in no way unjustified, I found my ex’s porn ‘big titted milf’ when I have a tiny chest a bit off putting)

@Wherearemycrayons @BraveGoldie I suppose I could try it. It's way out of my comfort zone and I'm not the most sexually confident person at the best of times but I suppose if I want to improve things I need to make some effort too. It could go either way - he will either love it or find it too weird that his fantasy life and real life are merging. He did once mention us trying it together but has never made any attempt to follow it up.

@ElleDriver I think then perhaps could be a case of waiting for you to make the first move, he’s said about trying it but ultimately I think because of your original reaction he not want to force the issue, if you’d like to try it or are willing to then I’d make the first move :)

1. He's probably embarrassed
2. He probably thinks you won't want to do it/like it
3. What is the fetish?

I'm into some pretty weird stuff & would never tell DP because he would react like you & think that I aren't attracted to him when that's not the case at all, just sometimes I like to be alone 😂

The fetish may or may not bother me, depending on what it is, but the replacing a healthy sexual relationship with it would.

@Purplerain16 But do you still have sex with him regularly? I wouldn't mind the fetish stuff but to claim low libido and then be secretly wanking over something else...well it feels a little deceitful.

Don't really want to go into too many details but think messy stuff. Gunge, slime, custard etc. That's all I'm saying lol.

I don't know why he doesn't want to share it with me. Perhaps it's just something he wants to keep for himself. He is loving and tactile to me, he always tells me I'm attractive but I just don't feel he sees me in the same sexual light as this kink.

If, as you say, the fetish is 'borderline weird' then maybe it's sheer embarrassment that prevents him from sharing it (or wanting to discuss it as an issue at all). Or maybe in his head he puts you in one compartment as the partner he loves, and his fetish in another compartment as something a bit shameful and dirty and would feel guilty about subjecting you to it.

Do you think he would ever a million years be willing to try seeing a sex therapist? Because I suspect this is the sort of thing they deal with on a daily basis.

I wouldn't mind the fetish stuff but to claim low libido and then be secretly wanking over something else...well it feels a little deceitful.

Are you sure he is secretly wanking over it? You've said you are mostly always around and think he has once or twice - which isn't a lot.

He could easily have low libido and have a fetish. I have several fetishes, but the lack of sex with my husband is entirely unrelated.

@lyralalala that's really interesting. I guess maybe I'm just looking at it in black and white terms?

And no I'm not certain that's what he's doing. I certainly don't monitor his wanking habits 🙈 but there have been a few indications that I've noticed after I've been out and stuff. Again it could be paranoia creeping in. I'm fully prepared to admit I'm probably overthinking a lot but I guess that's what lack of communication can do to you.

As has been said he's probably embarrassed and doesn't think 'nice girls' actually do that sort of thing.

Even if you've said you'd give it a try and aren't that bothered about it he may still think you think less of him for his fetish and is worried about rejection.

There's also the thought that what people do/look at online isn't always something they're want to do in Real Life anyway.

@ElleDriver Obviously I don’t know your husband, but certainly for me the two are not connected. Same with my DH.

Low libido is because of mood, hormones, stress, etc etc.

Actually when I’m in a low libido mood kinky sex is the last kind of sex I want because it’s even more effort!

And, and I mean this is the nicest possible way, someone constantly asking me if I don’t want sex because of the fetish side would kill my sex drive even further.

Talk to him about it, but eventually you either need to believe him and work out what you are going to do from there, or continue not believing him and work our what you are going to do from there.

@slashlover totally agree and good point! I have some fantasies I really can't explain and would be genuinely horrible in real life....

That, and the embarrassment factor is why I would test the waters very softly. Eg if it's a hardcore S+M thing, then maybe try some time when you make a silly mistake, tapping yourself on the bum and saying 'naughty me!' Or if it's about getting all messy, eat a chocolate sandwich really messily and take a while to lick yourself clean. 😁. Or lead the way by taking your own risk - tell him something that's a bit weird that turns you on.... (we all have something!).... could end up being a journey of liberation for both of you.....

Not everyone wants to share their link if they have one...they do might not want to do it. So I would stop suggesting you doing it unless he actually wanted you to do it. He might have a low sex drive
Having a wank and sex are very different and a wank is less effort. Sex is a connection and maybe he doesn't want you involved in the link because it is a kink! He wants a loving connection with you.

Also once you have gone down that road he might want to do it more often and you might not and then you have a whole new obstacle.

Kink not link

Why can’t you just leave him to it? I couldn’t stay with DH if he was continuously pecking my head about something personal that I’m clearly uncomfortable talking about.

It’s not harming anyone. You can have a low libido and still enjoy a regular wank.

You can have a low libido and still enjoy a regular wank.

Why should the OP be satisfied with that as a sex life?

@Funghi surely if you had low libido you wouldn't fancy a regular wank because the urge wouldn't be there

I get you OP.

I can understand why you're feeling rubbish.

You have also discovered you're not sexually compatible and had accepted a lack of libido and interest on his part so reviewing this fetish online must make you feel that it's for his pleasure.

You dont have to try anything you don't want to. His fetish isn't harmful and he maybe partly feels shame for it considering you've brought it up before. Maybe hes taking it from that? Have you had angry words about it before?

Also, have you initiated sex and been rejected or has it been a lack of effort on both parts? As in you stopped trying because you weren't getting anywhere?

It's not an easy situation. There are good and bad parts in all relationships but cant be nice lacking that consistent physical connection.

There’s a huge difference between wanting sex and having a wank Many people can only climax from the latter.

Of course it’s understandable if OP isn’t satisfied with his sex drive but I don’t see what use it will be to continue to peck away about his ‘fetish’.

@EAIOU I have stopped because I didn't want to put pressure on him if he isn't wanting/able to have sex. So I've left it up to him to initiate which maybe was a mistake. My confidence has plummeted and I do fear rejection.

Yeah that's extremely difficult for you when hes not making that effort.

Is he aware that the onus was on him to make more of an effort?

It must be frustrating and upsetting. It can be hard to find some sort of comfort if you're wanting him to show more sexual interest.

Oh he's into sploshing. Well it won't hurt you to try but if you're not into it then you don't have to. Just make sure to put lots of sheets down if you do!