... to be freaking out about a GP appointment? [warning: possibly triggering]

[NotMyRealName11]

Name change for this.

I managed to get a GP appointment today because I'm really struggling to deal with a sexual assault which happened a few weeks ago (it was in public, during the day, two strangers). I tried to put it out of my mind and just carry on, but it's really not working and I've kind of got to the point of recognising that I need help. I tried to mention it in an appointment a few weeks ago, but I chickened out.

... I'm sooo stressed that I'm either going to chicken out and cancel the appointment altogether, or that I will flake out when I get there and say "Oh, I just feel anxious, it's a combination of things" (which is what I said the last time...).

The things I'm freaking out about, in no particular order:

• That I could have an STI
• That they'll contact social services and tell them I'm not fit to look after my child
• That they'll want to do an internal examination (and natch I've had this before, I just have a weird phobia about it at this moment)
• That they'll tell me I mustn't go back to work
• That they'll tell me it's all my fault
• That they'll be angry because I didn't go to the police
• That I'll just start crying.

Please, somebody just tell me to be an adult and stop catastrophising!

I told a friend this morning. And I'm going to go to the sexual health clinic walk-in later today.

I don't think I can face going back to the GP. I feel like an idiot and maybe I should have just taken up on what she offered? But at least I can get the STI issue checked.

Glad you've got some RL support ♥️ Ignore your GP appt, she handled the whole thing terribly, it wasn't you. I wonder if the sexual health clinic might have some pointers for where you can go for more support, counselling etc? X

I'm so glad you were able to tell a friend. It's a big step. I hope the STI clinic goes well, they may be able to point you in the direction for help in your local area.
Your original GP appointment was so crap which is such a shame as it's made something awful so much harder for you. Please do try to see your normal GP though, they will be able to help. Medication may be helpful in the short term, GPs are very reluctant to prescribe diazepam and the like because they are so addictive but they will be able to offer you something appropriate.

If it helps, I'm a HCP who regularly hears people talking of sexual assault and start crying. It's normal.

I've been in tears at appts myself (almost in tears yesterday at my GP talking of how my symptoms affected me) and honestly, they're used to it.

Ignore my message, I've just seen your more recent post. I'm really sorry you didn't get better treatment OP. x

I have no advice to offer, but you have my sympathy and I hope you begin to feel a little better soon.

If you can’t find an NHS counsellor, try one of the the charities or even a private counsellor. Counselling might help you to tell your partner too if you want to.

None of this is your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of or feel dirty about.

I haven't read the full thread so sorry if repeating, but re the sti issue...
I once had thrush which didn't seem to be responding to treatment (did in fact as soon as I'd been to drs- typical) but they wanted to take a swab.
I am a baby about these things so they let me swab myself! Maybe ask if that is possible for you too?

It did actually help to tell my friend. She's the most incredibly matter-of-fact person and her reaction was so black-and-white that it actually helped to reframe things in such black-and-white terms. (She actually made the same point about the breaking of legs which one of you said already!)

I'm going to the SH clinic a little bit later and I'm very nervous!

I'm so proud of you, @NotMyRealName11!!! You are taking control!!! I'm so pleased you told somebody!!! Now you know that she isn't ashamed of you, and you wouldn't be ashamed of a friend in the same situation, perhaps one day soon you will be able to open up to your partner about this.

Good luck with the STI clinic.

That's so good to hear OP, so glad your friend supported you. You've been so brave taking these steps forward. I hope your friend can provide you with trusted rational thinking and opinions, while your own mind is (understandably) tied in knots.

Glad you've been able to speak to someone and they were supportive.

Good luck at the sexual health clinic hope you get the support you need.

I'm so glad you told someone and that your friend was really supportive. Hope it goes OK at SH clinic - at least it will be one thing off your mind.

Thank you - the clinic was really OK, actually. The Health Advisor was really nice and talked with me a bit about what happened, and I found that I actually could speak about it after all.

Just waiting now for the results :S Apparently they will come within 6 hours and I will get a text...

They all came back clear except the syphilis one. Bloody hell... But I suppose I should be glad that it is nothing worse!

I haven’t posted on your thread before OP but was reading along with sympathy.

Well done on going to get the STI test. I’m gutted for you about the syphilis but at least you’re on the path to getting it sorted now that you know what you’re dealing with. It would have been so much worse to leave it longer before finding out.

It is crap that the NHS GP you saw was so unhelpful. Please do go back to rape crisis or other charities and ask about any possibility of counselling or therapy. Lots of my friends work in counselling/ therapy. Is paying for some counselling is something you can manage? If not there will be other alternatives. Some counsellors offer pro bono work for sexual assault survivors.

Well done again for being strong and 💐🌷🌹for you.

Shitballs that it’s not all clear, but pleased that it’s something treatable, OP, and you’re getting it early. Big hugs and pats on the back for facing your demons!

I'm a bit gutted too, but at least it is treatable, like you say, and I am glad that the worse things are clear. I'm surprisingly not feeling ultra freaked out, although sleep is kind of not happening again...

Also, the Health Advisor said that she would look into counselling options and email me. We talked about private options and I said my worry is that I don't know 100% what is the most appropriate type of counselling so I'd be worried about going for something that wouldn't be too helpful, and she said she'd email me some suggestions on that too. She was really helpful!

I finally cracked and rang up my poor partner at 6am and wailed at him (he's away for work). He was a bit horrified that I hadn't told him but otherwise he was super supportive. Now I feel a bit dumb that I did not tell him before!

Oh honey!!! I’m still super proud of you!!! That’s great! I knew he’d be supportive!!! Things are going to be up and down but you can do this!!! I know those of us who have been through this too may fee like we’re pushing you a bit, but there’s a reason. The longer you leave it, the more it gets twisted up in your mind, and becomes bigger and bigger - and it’s big enough to deal with as it is. NOBODY is going to blame you at all. (If they do, they are not worth having in your life ever again!!!) You are proving to be a strong, brave woman and you have people who love you. Trust yourself and you will know who else to bring into your inner circle with this. Wishing you all the very best for your physical and psychological recovery!!!

No need to feel dumb at all, it's so hard to verbalise these things. You should be really proud of yourself that you told him, you told your friend, and you've been to the SH clinic. I hope your partner will be supportive going forward and gives you what you need.

I don't advocate violence (honestly, I'm a hippy vegetarian who hates being cruel to people) but I'm a complete stranger to you and I am so angry at these two people for what they've done to you and the effects it is having on you. I'm so sorry for what you've experienced: none of it was your fault - NONE - and you are handling it just as well as anybody else would in your circumstances. Please don't beat yourself up for how you're handling it. I hope the SH advisor sends you some good counselling options, and that eventually with time you will heal.

Oh bless you 😢
I’m so glad you’ve told dp- you need him by your side not him wondering wtf is wrong with you
Maybe he can go to the nice gp with you ?

I feel bad now that I didn't open up to DP sooner. He noticed I was a bit "down and edgy" and apparently thought that I was hacked off with him for being away for work so much (which I'm not at all - that's the nature of his job!!).

I called the surgery today and managed to get a double appointment with nice GP on Monday. DP is actually home on Monday too and he says he will come with me if I want it.

Feeling a bit weirded out about the syphilis thing. It sounds like something a Victorian prostitute would have!

Progress today; I managed a trip round the shops with DD and didn't freak out / panic and end up going home without half the stuff I needed to buy (which is what has been happening all the time, basically). A young man came up to us and I froze up like I keep doing, but he just said that DD was the cutest baby he'd ever seen and asked how old she was. She does look like a little angel, it's very deceptive! But I felt almost like something clicked back into place for me at that moment: like, I can do normal things, and most men actually are decent and lovely and don't want to randomly attack every woman they see! And yeah, I realise that makes no sense at all when I put it like that!

OP, I’m so sorry to hear that this horrible thing happened to you and that the GP you saw was not very helpful. Neither of these things are your fault.

After I was sexually assaulted I was very weird. I was anxious about being attacked again (which is not, contextually, paranoia), and also had strange intrusive thoughts where I’d get an urge to punch people I was passing in street. I think these are pretty usual for people in our situation. Everything gets shaken up and disturbed and takes a while to go back down.

If you feel able, you might want to make a complaint against the GP who saw you, especially as you felt steamrollered by her and were unable to get the help you wanted (especially the referral/STI testing). It may flag up that the practice needs a refresher on how to help people who have been assaulted. You could raise these things with your nice GP when you see her.

You seem very brave - well done for going out to the shops and doing the things you need to! Be gentle with yourself and don’t worry too much if you have rougher days. You are going to be ok.

I have done a bit of research to make you feel a bit better. (I hope you take this in the light-hearted manner that it is intended.) This is a list to show that you’re in good company - Christopher Columbus, Leo Tolstoy, Friedrich Nietzschke, Henri de Toulouse-Loutrec, Franz Schubert & Vincent Van Gogh to name a few famous people all known to have had syphilis. None of them were prostitutes, and all of them produced masterpieces that continue to influence the modern world. Admittedly they went a bit bonkers, but they weren’t treated with modern medicine, oh yeah.... Beethoven went deaf because he had congenital syphilis. (He was the 11th child of parents with syphilis and tuberculosis. He had a lot going for him - not just the hair!!!)