..to ask what your SAHM routine is

[from123toabc]

Hi all,

My partner and I are currently discussing the details of deciding to have a second child.
He is of the opinion that having one parent at home until the child is at school is beneficial for the whole family as it is so hard balancing work and parenthood. We are looking at me taking the first 18-24 months off and him the following 2 years.

At the moment he is the breadwinner but due to my choice of career I have the opportunity to far out-earn him. We can more than comfortably live off his salary and I plan to save as much as possible before a baby arrives to have a very healthy emergency fund/savings.

We will be married before TTC if that makes any difference, I know MN is hot on women not being 100% financially reliant.

So as not to drip feed, I have a 10 year old from a previous relationship who I raised on my own from the age of 1 until I met my partner 4 1/2 years ago. I went back to work full time when after maternity leave as I became a single mum around the same time. I therefore have only experienced juggling working full time and raising a child.

Anyway I digress.
I do love my career, I have worked hard for it and I like keeping busy.
I worry that being a SAHM will be too little routine and drive me a little crazy. How do you SAHM set your week out so the busy days of nappies and naps don't roll into one.
Do you have set calesses or hobbies or nail a housekeeping routine. Give me your secrets to being a super mum please

sorry for the typos. I hope you get the gist

I spend a lot of time on housework. Have 2 classes each week for my toddler.

Lots of ‘admin’ type stuff sorting appts out etc.

But mostly it’s just trying to entertain my 1 year old and keep on top of the washing

I've been a SAHM for 3 years and I'm expecting DC2 in 5 weeks time.
We have a pretty good housekeeping and toddler groups routine, including meeting up with friends and their children a couple of times a week so I get a bit of adult conversation. I plan plenty of activities for my son, and we spend lots of time outside.
It hasn't stopped me becoming depressed. I've found the relentlessness and mundanity of caring for very small children soul-destroying at times, and my self-esteem, career prospects and happiness have taken a massive hit. I adore DS and I believe he and DH have benefited from the decision (DH has been promoted twice as he's never had to leave work early or do a night waking etc) but from a selfish point of view, if I could go back in time and go back to work when DS was 12 months old I would do it in a heartbeat.

If he’s the one who’s so keen that a child has a SAHP and you love your career and can out earn him, surely it makes sense for him to be the SAHP for the whole time (save for however long you want as maternity leave)?

Or if you really want to split the time then why don’t you do the second two years which IMO are way easier and more fun than the baby stage. Lots more activities etc and much easier to keep yourself busy, as it sounds like that’s what you like.

PS I am also a SAHM who regrets giving up work.

Our routine with preschoolers is:

7- shower and breakfast - sharing childcare with DH
8- get kids washed and dressed while playing
9- head out to exercise class or toddler group
11:00- lunch
12:00- nap (I take a nap too if needed, have an hour to myself, maybe do some chores if time left)
15:00- snack
16:00- meet friends/playground/housework/cooking with the kids/messy play/muck around in garden/food shopping/etc.
18:30- family dinner, DH watches kids, while I have a break
19:30- I do bedtime and all night wakings.
Any cleaning and tidying left at the end of the day or weekend is shared.

Dont do it OP. Your mind will mostly turn to mush (my own experience) - I'd only go full SAHM if I absolutely have to which it sounds like you do not
Children thrive at nursery and pre school so dont feel guilty
Maybe go back to work part time and see how you get on?
I love going to work and having some adult conversation, getting pay rises and promotions and respected in my industry. and giving my daughter the independence at nursery and enjoying time with other kids her own age and she loves it too. I work 4 days per week and it fits us perfectly. Every family is different but I wouldn't rule out any work from the outset unless you've tried it, disliked it and then chosen yourself to become a full time SAHM.

@minipie
At the moment he earns more than double my salary. I won't out-earn him for another 5-10 years on my current path.
Plus there are some other financials to balance that means me staying home first makes more sense.

I'm on mat leave at the minute and find it tough being at home. Today I've dropped my 5yo to school, been to town and picked up a few bits I needed. Got home and baby was asleep so got some housework done. I now have 3 hours to kill before going back out for the school run. Make dinner, then this evening ds has a class to go to. This is pretty much the same Monday to Friday. If he doesn't have a class then we visit someone.
I find it so hard being out of the routine of work and trying to keep my brain stimulated. I've been doing little online courses and puzzles like sudoku.
Don't agree to anything re staying out of work for 2 years, take your mat leave first and see if you think you will be happy being at home for 2 years

My choice of career is something I could do from home or as a consultancy basis- so I could pick up work as and when needed/wanted. OH has less flexibility in his career.

I do wish I had more time at home with my first child when they were young.
Maybe I'm being naive but I managed to break into my career as a young single mum so I'm sure I can break back into it after a bit of a career break. I'm 31 at the moment and we would be looking to start TTC next year so Id still only be mid 30's going back to work.

Sounds like you've already made your mind up then?

Hi OP

You say you wont out earn him for another 5-10 years...it will likely be 10 years plus if you take 2 years out to look after a child.

You say you're going to do 2 years at home then he will...but surely the argument that he earns a lot more will still hold when it's his turn?

I am just concerned that in your first post you he that 'he is of the opinion that...SAHP is best...so I am planning to take the first two years off'. I know it's hard for people to tell the dynamics of your relationship from one post, but it reads as though your opinion doesn't count and he makes the decisions.

I've seen some similar posts on mumsnet a few years down the line. The man has had an unexpected promotion and then massively out earns the woman in a job that involves long hours or travel etc. When it's been time for her to go back to work, the man has refused to modify his job at all eg leave on time ever, so his wife can effectively only get a job 10 - 2 to do school pick up, he has refused to help pay for a nanny or childcare as it's not in the kids best interests, and the mum has pretty much been forced into being a SAHP against her wishes.

If you want to be a SAHP because you want to and you believe it's the best thing for your family then go for it, you will work out routines that work for you. If you are staying at home because you feel like you should even though you dont really want to, I'm not sure that will be a good thing for anyone

I would both look to go part time in your circumstances. That way you both establish work and home routines everything will be shared so you wont be the default parent / home maker and you dont take as much of a hit to your newly establishing career path. It's really hard to change an established pattern once you are in it - whatever you say beforehand.

If he doesnt want to go part time I am pretty sure he will not want to take a few years out. In which case I would rethink your plan as you need to think if you want to sah longer term or just go back to work.

Get up,
supervise kids getting ready for school,
walk younger two to school,
Clean, tidy, do laundry, prep dinner for around 45 mins- I follow Tomm for this.
Do what I want until around 2:40.
Pick the kids up and do all the after school crap until bedtime. And repeat.
And repeat...

DH works away Mon-Thurs/Fri so I do everything home and child related.

I’m at home with my 9 month old at the minute and sometimes our weeks are very structured and similar to the next, others not!

We tend to do one thing each day, and the rest is just fitting in housework and keeping her entertained around naps and feeds really. There’s only so much you get done in a 3.5 hour window between her two naps

For example, Monday tends to be food shop day, Tuesday we go to a group in the morning, Wednesday/Thursday is lunch with my grandma or another group, etc.

You sort of just find your own rhythm, I think! Our routine has just developed naturally with time.

I think if your career is one you enjoy using your brain for you may struggle to be a full time SAHP (and your husband may find the same once you go back to work). I'd think about it really carefully while you're on maternity leave, especially if it will take you 5 years to outearn him then surely it will take materially longer if you've takes two years off from working entirely as you'll need to get fully up to speed again before you start working to overtake his earning potential?

Everyone I know who relies on their job for the mental challenge/stimulation has struggled massively if becoming a SAHP. I found just regular maternity leave a total slog and was so relieved to get back to work afterwards to take me away from the constant mundanity of housework and entertaining small children. My mind went to mush.

I still work a bit so not exactly the same but my advice (with one child) is down to four words - get out the house. Every day, twice a day, morning and afternoon. Sometimes to organised things, sometimes just to the shop.

I feel like the odd one out here.
I'm a SAHM & i wouldn't change it for the world (I gave up a job that I enjoyed but would only be working to pay childcare).
My husband loves his job but is overseas maybe two weeks out of four so we decided for the babies benefit that having a parent at home constantly would give more stability.

I do my husbands admin & taxes (self employed), housework, laundry & generally keeping the baby content & occupied.
I also do the manual things like DIY & gardening & will go out of my way to find things to redecorate & improve the house.

I like to keep busy so will go for walks, plan days out, meet up with family/friends & go to classes so I never feel cooped up or like I'm doing the same thing everyday.

The only day we have a set routine is a Thursday, we stay in & have an admin/house keeping day & that works perfectly for us.

I'm a SAHM and I feel like this is blasphemy but I can't stand a super organised routine. I feel like life needs flexibility for those days where either you just can't be bothered or get a sudden spark of inspiration to do something totally random and the set classes and baby groups just felt like such a repetitive drag to me. I take DS to lots of drop in things and stuff when I can dictate the time (like gymnastics drop-in, soft play, swimming, park, museum) as it helps me to not feel a slave to the routine which I think it how some of my friends have ended up feeling prompting them to return to work. Have a look at what is available in your local area to help you figure out what might fill your days.

I love being a SAHM and I have never once been bored, but there is a perception that I simply must be bored because "I'm not doing anything". Our days are busy and I don't understand how anyone could be bored, but it does seem to be a common issue which just goes to show it's not for everyone - and that's totally okay because we are all different!

Make sure you feel happy about being a SAHP, not just because your partner thinks it's a good idea. It's not for everyone.

I must be the only one who currently likes being a Sahm 🙈( mostly, I do get occasional days of utter boredom)
I teach privately just twice a week but love it so much more than doing 18 odd years of full time teaching.
We generally get up around 7-7.30- have breakfast (in the garden at the mo)
Nappy changed, dressed, play or out for walk/shop/meet friends until 11ish
Bottle, teeth, story and nap
12-1-lunch
1-2.2.30-play in garden, paddling pool, bake, get dinner prepared
2.30-3-possible nap
4-4.30 (ish) bit of music/tv, play etc
6-7 dinner
7 onwards-out for walls/beach or play in garden
Bath, teeth, book, milk, bed

PM

Hello again

Thanks for all the messages of concern as to whether this is his decision or not.
I quite like the idea of being a SAHM, I guess just making the jump is a bit scary as I am still financially independent and always have been so living off a family wage is a new concept.
OH is currently on a 3 year project with work that will set us up very well financially if he sees it through. It also means he works abroad at least 1 week a month so having someone at home with a baby/young child makes sense. My child was already at school when we got together so it made sense to just keep working full time. The needs of a baby/toddler are very different. I guess as its a 3 year project many will say that just wait until it is done but OH is 40 and neither of us want him to be much older when we have a child.

Nothing will be fixed in stone, if I decide I hate it I earn enough to cover childcare and still take home a decent amount so I could just go back.

I am lucky that we live in a small but vibrant town with lots of clubs and groups so we could carve out a little timetable. I also hope to turn a corner of our garden into a veg plot. I'm sure i'm just overthinking it all and it will be quite nice to have some time to enjoy my children.

OP don’t do it!! Don’t get fooled by the “out earning” bull shit. It doesn’t matter. It’s your career, you’ve worked hard for it. Being a SAHM for career driven women who need intellectual stimulation can be really hard. Some are very self motivated and get involved in lots of things but it is hard. Your confidence, independence and sense of self can quickly disappear. For the first little while obviously mat leave is great but being a SAHM for the long haul is a mistake for many women ( not all) .

Actually reading some book f the routines on here is making me so glad I kept my career. I caveat this with saying I know it’s horses for courses and some hate being at work. It’s personal choice

Op this is mumsnet where if you choose to give up your job to be a sahm then your husband will cheat on you leaving you financially with nothing!
Reality is that being a sahm is tough, it's mindless sometimes, your house is never tidy because there's always someone at home messing it up (think breakfast, lunch, dinner, toys, clothes etc) rather than being at work and nursery.
BUT. I'm a firm believer in children having their parents be their primary carer wherever possible. So if it's financially viable then I think go for it. So many mums think they have to go back to work and children go to nursery as standard without really questioning it. I find it nuts in this day and age that we aren't given the financial choice to care for our own children IF WE WANT TO rather than getting 30 hours per week to pay someone else to.