..to ask what your SAHM routine is

[from123toabc]

Hi all,

My partner and I are currently discussing the details of deciding to have a second child.
He is of the opinion that having one parent at home until the child is at school is beneficial for the whole family as it is so hard balancing work and parenthood. We are looking at me taking the first 18-24 months off and him the following 2 years.

At the moment he is the breadwinner but due to my choice of career I have the opportunity to far out-earn him. We can more than comfortably live off his salary and I plan to save as much as possible before a baby arrives to have a very healthy emergency fund/savings.

We will be married before TTC if that makes any difference, I know MN is hot on women not being 100% financially reliant.

So as not to drip feed, I have a 10 year old from a previous relationship who I raised on my own from the age of 1 until I met my partner 4 1/2 years ago. I went back to work full time when after maternity leave as I became a single mum around the same time. I therefore have only experienced juggling working full time and raising a child.

Anyway I digress.
I do love my career, I have worked hard for it and I like keeping busy.
I worry that being a SAHM will be too little routine and drive me a little crazy. How do you SAHM set your week out so the busy days of nappies and naps don't roll into one.
Do you have set calesses or hobbies or nail a housekeeping routine. Give me your secrets to being a super mum please

I would also urge you to think ahead about your future. Not just the next couple of years.

I’m a SAHM to twins. For the first year (due to them sleeping more often than not as they were premature so were focusing on feeding and growing) I did start to go a little stir crazy I’ll admit, I’m happy to be a SAHM now (ours was more to do with my earnings not being enough to cover basic childcare so DH stayed in work).

You’ve mentioned you can do some work from home which I think will help. I decided to sign up to the OU online and that has been my lifeline to keep my mind active. I also have more house based hobbies like drawing/painting and writing. My twins are now toddlers so apart from a basic routine the days vary immensely. Sometimes we’re out for most of the day and sometimes we have “lazy” days at home (as lazy as you can be with twin toddlers running about!) most days it’s somewhere in between.

But they keep me and themselves entertained with their antics so I feel the day flies by.

When DH is back from work he takes over looking after them so I can either get some of my course done (currently doing a Forensic Psychology course via OU) or if I just fancy having a long bath or what have you. The twins go to sleep around 8pm and are generally good at sleeping through to the next morning. That’s when I have most of my free time to do whatever I please (within reason haha). DH and I do our best to use that time to just chat and have a laugh, or watch a bit of TV together. If we want to go out for a meal or something we arrange childcare for the evenings and we do it.

The first year felt like a long slog as we were pretty much housebound due to the twins needing as much sleep as possible and DD being on oxygen but my friends with single babies were often out and about whenever they could be to stop themselves feeling trapped. But each baby is different as we all know. So you build your routine around them.

I don’t agree that becoming a SAHP automatically means your brain goes to mush, I can’t comment on the impact it may have in your chosen career but if it makes sense for you to do this and you want to (is the most important part!) then do and good luck OP

Also I find it beyond irritating when people comment that those who can be a SAHM must not need much in the ways of intellectual stimulation, a grossly ignorant generalisation. It really is dependent on what you want @from123toabc

I'm a sahm and I desperately want to go back to work. It's honestly so dull once the novelty wears off. The repetition of every day grates on me tbh.

The repetition of every day grates on me tbh

Then change it.

I’m a stay at home mum to a 26 month old and due DC2 in Feb. Some days are a bit boring but most of the time we keep busy. I set up a buggy walk which we do every Monday morning with 10-20 other parents attending each week- great for making new friends . We also have a dog so walk him each day.

General routine- we try to get a couple of house bits done in the morning then out by 10ish. Picnic lunch out or back home then chill after lunch. Out again about 3ish to the park/shop/walk/softplay.

I don’t do any paid classes anymore, we did some when LO was younger, but keep busy meeting friends, going swimming and just generally being out and about.

I volunteer, run a local parenting fb group, organise events and meet-ups and am heavily involved in my local Maternity Voices Partnership so that keeps my brain going too.

@MegaClutterSlut The novelty? I never found any novelty in being a SAHM but there’s nothing wrong with you wanting to be back in work if that’s where you want to be. But if you’re stuck in a rut maybe change it up a bit day-to-day if you can? I found that when I was on a stringent routine with my twins that I felt like I was stuck in Groundhog Day so I eased off a bit and apart from a basic routine that covers mealtimes/getting enough play and bedtimes the rest of the day is pretty much whatever I/the twins want it to be.

Obviously I have no idea of your circumstances but I hope you can either get back to work or find a way for your SAHM to be a bit less dull

SAHM life to be a bit less dull*

OP, I've been both a SAHM, and a WOHP, and both have their positive and negatives. I prefer WOH, and now work FT as the DC are older.
My areas of caution for becoming a SAHP would be:
will you have full and unfettered access to the family money?
will your STBDH top up your pension/NI contributions?
what is the hit your career will take? Not just financially, but in terms of CPD, promotions, networking etc?
How long will it take you to get back to where you are currently in your career, especially if you are in a fast paced job market - will your knowledge be current enough when you decide to go back to work?
What if you and STBDH split?
I'd be considering all of these questions, and putting measures in place to protect myself, if I were you.
I enjoyed my SAHM time, but for the most part, I worked PT and put the DC in childcare, until they were older. For me, WOH made me a better parent, but I know this isn't the case for everyone.
Just make sure you're covered in all eventualities.

Have you considered both working part time? My husband and I used to work 3 days a week each and share the childcare.
Now I work 1 day a week and he works 5 days compressed into 4. It works for us.

Sounds like you've already made your mind up then?
The OP is asking for SAHP routines, not wether she should do it or not.

I am a SAHP and I love it.

I'm not overly concerned about housework and "house admin" (still not 100% why that would take up so much time anyway with what it entails) I didn't take time out of my career to be a maid, I took the time out to spend with my son.

I don't like a set routine as such. He's up at 06.30 and in bed for 19.30.
I think it's important for us to do something a little different each day, so not the same things two days on the bounce

We go swimming to a ducklings session 2/3 times a week - will not miss these, he loves the water.
We go to an arts and craft session once a week
There are lovely playgroups in our area, I choose one a week depending on our schedule. We could go to a different one everyday if we wanted but so long as it's not tipping it down with rain, we are normally outdoors.

During the summer we have been out in the forest, different parks with a picnic, ball, bubbles, golf clubs, skittles, Walks on the beach, basically anything outdoors where he can experience stuff and have fun.

Once the weather turns and it's a bit too wet, we do more sessions, he is booked for diddi kicks and back to diddi dance.

He has started a little crèche for 1 hour twice a week while I nip to the gym. He is just turned 2 and this is the first time he has been left without me.

We prefer to be up and out, so as soon as breakfast is finished, we are out. We are always back home for 15.30 at the latest as we all have our tea at around 16.45.

You sound like you have it all sorted, a job you can go back to in order to secure your financial stability and the joy of spending time with your little one, then you husband can have the same opportunity.

I've seen friends & colleagues plan the "we'll take turns" idea. It hasn't worked out in any if the 4 couples I know (where both were professionals, had good earning potentials and/or career development possible).

What happens is that in 2 years it's a massive upheaval, with mortgage payments still due, a spouse who has really been able to get their teeth into their career "soit makes more sense to plough on" etc etc...

What you're talking about is a t junction where you take one route then expect to be able to hop to the other option in two years..

The closest person (sister) that I've seen try this "taking turns" idea just meant that she as a junior engineer just ended up having to reapply for junior engineer positions.. having to prove herself in anew job and get back up to speed amid people years younger... She recently packed in and they've gone back tomy BIL being breadwinner (as a senior engineer now, despite being in the same university group, that's how they met).

Sorry to be cynical but it seems hard to put this idea into reality.

Hi OP another SAHM here...
I have 2 kids and worked FT until my youngest was 2 (I took 6 months mat leave both times).
I love being at home, but there is monotony (you can argue there is in any job though).
6am - kids are awake, DH leaves for the day
7am - breakfast get ready etc
8am - school run, youngest goes to nursery 3 mornings per week
If he is at nursery, 9am-12pm i do whatever needs doing, housework/shopping/organising/gym etc if he is home with me we go to a class, swimming, walk in NT place, or he comes and does jobs with me.
After Nursery we play, read, go swimming, I dedicate the time to him.
In the afternoon, it is the school run, then after school activities for the eldest (most nights).
Dinner, homework, kids bath/bed

Make DH and my dinner. DH not usually home until 9pm.

I gave up a very good high paying job to take the time with the kids. I don't regret it as having been the juggling parent i see how happy and settled it makes them having me at home. It also facilitates my DH to do what he needs to do work wise. However we are comfortable financially so there is no need for me to work and within reason I can spend what I need to in order for us all to have a good time.

After working for around 17 years in the City, I’ve been a SAHP for the last 6 years. And like a couple of other PP, I really enjoy it. DH earns a lot more than me, and it wouldn’t have made financial sense any other way.

Up until DC was around 18 months there was no set routine as such. I was very much led by her nap/feeding times. There was a lot of washing and sterilising bottles in those early months, I definitely remember that. I also remember it taking ages to get us both out the house, so would avoid having a lot of commitments. I think we did baby sensory classes from around 6-12 months.

I think the real routine started when DC was age two, and did a couple of mornings of nursery a week. We started planning our weeks a bit better then and seeing people on the days off.

It was around this time that we moved house. New house needed a complete gut, so I’ve spent the past three years managing this and looking after DC. You’ll be surprised at how quickly the time goes by being off Op....enjoy it 😊

We are looking at me taking the first 18-24 months off and him the following 2 years.

I would bet my house that this will not happen. By all means become a SAHM if that's what you think is best for you and your family, but don't do it thinking this will happen. In two years the case for him continuing to work and you continuing to not will be even stronger.

OP, it would make much more sense to wait until your maternity leave has ended before making such a big decision. You sound like you're in a great position financially, so would likely be able to comfortably have a year off and then decide what to do. You may well decide that being a SAhM just isn't for you. Making decisions now for a couple of years hence is a bit daft!

Also remember you will go from being a SAHM when the child is little to a Stay at home person who doesn’t work when they are at school. It becomes harder trying to get back in to the workforce too once you’ve been out of the game for four/five years. I was lucky I kept my hand in and returned before my last child was born part time, and when she was two. Been working part time ever since .

OP it is always good to have a plan.
It doesn't need to be set in stone, but would be daft not to have some sort of plan.

You sound in a great situation and work wise it sounds pretty easy for you to jump back in if needed.

Some people on here clearly could earn a living with a crystal ball after never infact meeting you or your partner 🤣🤣

Our routine is pretty loose, but

06.30 DS up
07.00 breakfast
Play in the house/ read then out for about 9

So we either go to the park, play centre, swimming, shopping, playgroup, classes or just catching up with friends for a play date.

Home for lunch and his snooze if our time allows. Or take a packed lunch with us if out for the day.

Either play in the garden or house or back out again until about an hour before tea around 5pm.

Tea as a family -

Then play with daddy and bed at about 7.30pm

I think getting out every day is really important for you and baby/toddler even if it just for a walk splashing in puddles 😁😁😁

I absolutely love being a SAHP, wouldn't change it for all the money in the world. You sound in a great situation.

Oh and going back after 18months to 2years for your DH to get his time at home is a great idea.

Local theme park fortnightly
Childminder 1 am. Per week.. Gives me chance to get groceries done, housework or just whatever I wish
Soft play weekly.
2 x sessions at toddler group weekly.
Housework... Admin.
Park

Dh does his share when he gets home but due to his hours sometimes it's difficult so. I do a fair bit more and it doesnt bother me.
Same with groceries. He could go of an night.. But our aldi is rubbish at stock at night.. I like to chose the fresh stuff. He's color blind so if beef is going a funny color when near its sell by date he can't tell.
And I like our evenings for us..

Best thing i did was be a sahm.. I started being a sahm w before marriage and had no concerns of finances as he's useless with money so I have the card anyway.

Find a hobby that you can do with a baby. I normally surf but that's not ideal so I got a stand up paddle board. I take my baby out on flat water on an estuary near me every time hightide falls in the morning.

Otherwise take him for a walk somewhere.

Then naps for him chill for me.

Lunch.

Out somewhere. Such as beach park forrest friends for coffee baby group etc.

Home to do housework or DIY or groceries.

Hubby home then onwards.

Don’t stay at home full time. It’ll drive you mad .
I wouldn’t give up a career to stay at home if I wasn’t married . If he leaves you, you’re screwed.
Marriage then baby, you would have some financial security if anything went wrong .
Hope for the best , plan for the worst .

Purpletigers OP has already said she will be married before TTC.

I just don't think he'll do his two years OP.

You've got your career off the ground in your twenties and think it will be the same experience returning in your thirties. All those people who you are peers with now will have progressed and you will be where you were when you stopped- except now you'll be competing with people in their twenties who have potentially more time and energy to dedicate to it.

Agree with PP that if it means that much to him to have a parent at home then you should both go part time. If there's always a reason why he can't then there'll always be a reason when it's time to do his two years.

Apart from a few exceptions here it sounds like SAHP spends a fair bit of time doing house admin, food shopping, cleaning and housework and general chores - I can’t help thinking “how beneficial is this?”.
Surely choosing to be a SAHP is something to do with spending time with LO’s - how beneficial is dragging your child round Sainsbury’s or the same park 3 times a week with only one child development focused group. I don’t know, I’m not convinced.
Go part time and get best of both worlds for both you and your child (as in letting them spend time with other children learning and developing in a good nursery)