To never eat out with my DP's family because of my emetophobia :(

[RedPurpleyBlue]

I have a phobia of vomiting in front of people. I've had this for a long time and have been to counselling/therapy/tried mindfulness/been on medication from my GP and I've mostly got a grip of it now but one thing I still can't deal with very well is eating in social situations.

The only way I can explain this is imagine feeling very sick in a restaurant and then being handed a plate of food in front of you to put in your stomach. It's really tough for me and I know it sounds pathetic. I have actually vomited before from my emetophobia after forcing myself to eat which is always at the back of my mind because I know it might actually happen.

The few times I have gone to restaurants I've ended up barely eating and then people make comments about it. I worry about being judged by DPs family as I really want them to like me which makes the anxiety worse and so I just can't bring myself to go to family meals with them.

This fear ruins all-sorts, it stops me going on holidays as I know I'll probably have to eat out, work dos etc. Me and DP never go restaurants because of it. My family has kinda gotten used to it because I've been like this for a while but I'm 1 and a half years into a relationship with DP and we keep getting invited to family events/meals as you do and I keep turning it down as I keep thinking I'll end up throwing up infront of all them while they're trying to eat and embarrassing myself.

I asked DP to explain this to his family for me and he has but it means he often goes to these things without me and I feel like such an idiot and worry what they must think of me :(

It honestly gets me down so much because I know on the face value of it all to someone who does not understand I feel like I just seem like a weirdo and a bit rude.

I have the same problem. Here’s what I’ve done - I line my purse with a plastic bag and say to myself “now if I have to be sick I can lean down and quietly do it into my purse.” Having a “plan” so to speak relaxes my brain and I’ve never had to actually use it.

I have emetophobia too and it’s horrible, I totally understand the feelings you’re talking about. I still get anxious sometimes in restaurants but mine is better than it used to be.
Is there any restaurant you feel you could eat at (food you think you could stomach, a layout that helps - perhaps an outdoor dining area so you can leave easily - whatever might make you feel better)? If so, could you possibly go on a weekday evening, when it’s quieter. Take your partner, sit outside or by the door and just order one course (maybe have a small starter if you don’t fancy a main) and see how that goes? Make sure you take anything you currently use to help when you’re feeling sick, for example I never used to go anywhere without a packet of mints.

If that seems possible, perhaps try that a few times until you feel ok then build up different parts of it (different restaurants, busier times, bigger meals).

Thank you so much it's really nice to hear from people who understand as I often feel like the only one out there.

@ChristmasArmadillo I do something similar. I always have a freezer bag in my pocket or purse just in case. It's one of my coping mechanisms. I just feel so ill in restaurants though and it's not enough of a reassurance to get me through it :(

@MeredithGrey1 I completely get your suggestions. Being outside where there's a breeze and more space to get up if I need to helps me relax a bit more. Going at quieter times is also a great idea. I really need to start doing this with my DP as I feel more comfortable with doing this with him, then slowly work towards a family meal. It just seems like an impossible goal atm.

Thanks again for your replies.

@ourkidmolly I've had counselling at multiple points in my life for this. I used to not be good in any social situations regardless of if there's food there or not but this has since become easier. I have worked and worked and gotten better but social eating is still a problem.

I have gone on holidays with DP, I wouldn't say I stop us going on holidays as I feel comfortable with him and he understands. So a lot of the time we go for an airbnb and make our own food instead of relying on restaurants when we're away. It's more people that don't understand the situation that raise my anxiety to a sky high level. I also never stop DP to going to any social outings and encourage him to go without me if I feel like I'd be very uncomfortable there myself.

My worst nightmare is being judged for this. It's been such a hard thing to deal with and I hate it more than anything.

What a shame for you. As others have suggested, could you gradually become more comfortable going with your OH so the family events are easier?

For this upcoming event, could you tell a white lie and just day you're not feeling great so will skip having any food? You can still have a drink and chat to people. I'd be worried that if you turn down another invite they'll start to think you're being rude/aren't interested in getting to know them.

Sounds awful and I can't pretend to understand it but my approach to these things is always face your fears head on to overcome them, rather than give in to them. Good luck x

Would it help to go to a specific restaurant a couple of times with your dh first to familiarise the smells and noise of the place then go out with them?

YANBU to not want to go. However I think you are being a bit unreasonable to limit yourself. If you haven’t found something that helps, is that because you haven’t found the right strategy / right therapist or you are sabotaging your therapy because you’re too scared to go to the place inside to start working on your phobia?

Your son may not have to miss out on holidays, @ourkidmolly, but I feel sorry for him anyway with a mother as lacking as compassion as you.

It’s not due to anxiety but I often just order a starter when others have a main course (due to medical reasons) and staff have never had an issue. Would that take pressure off you? Could you go out with your husband and just order a starter to nibble on with the focus being on the social side and if you manage to eat a little it’s a bonus?

Just don't force yourself to eat when you go out. Great idea from.pp to just order a small starter to nibble at.

I think it comes across as rude if you don't order anything. It makes others awkward. Can you order something DH likes so he can discreetly eat yours too?

When I'm anxious or stressed I feel sick and can't eat, the thought of eating makes me feel queasy. I cut my food into small bits, talk a lot, discreetly move bits to DH's plate while talking and busy myself feeding DD (she's 4 but fussy with food and won't sit still long, so I try and tempt her to eat and when she gets too shouty and restless I take her out for a walk and ask PILs to ask the waiter to package our food if we're not back when they're done (we never are as DD doesn't like restaurants and doesn't care much for food).

If I have to eat I have a glass of wine to relax me then just eat a bit.

I don't fear being sick (an HG pregnancy cured me of my fear of public vomiting- its surprising how fast you can get to a toilet if you need to!) but I feel like I can't put the food in my mouth and swallow it when I'm stressed.

Or if I have any concern about the hygiene of the restaurant I just pretend to eat. It annoys DH but I refuse to risk food poisoning for the sake of politeness! When on holiday with friends they chose a dodgy looking restaurant that looked grubby. They all ordered seafood, DD and I shared a bowl of chips. DD and I were fine, everyone else had D&V the next day!

Does some alcohol help you relax op?

I don’t think that’s fair @FamilyOfAliens — I’ve seen bad emetophobia wreck lives, or at least severely limit lives, including the lives of others around the emetophobe. It’s not just a matter of ‘missing out on holidays’ in some cases, it’s missing out on any possibility of a spouse/partner who participates in social life or a career, and in some people, an inability to cope with pregnancy, so children are another thing ‘missed out on’.

I feel huge sympathy for the OP, who has tried very hard to overcome this, and is clearly managing it to a large extent, but it is a hideous condition, and many parents would struggle with their child spending their lives involuntarily childless, with their lives entered around needs that severely restrict ordinary life because their partner is an emetophobe.

Sympathies, OP. Are you ok with food being eaten around you, if you aren’t required to eat yourself?

Wow I didn't even know this was a thing must be awful
When I am out alot of the time I'm on a strict diet so I will just have a coffee or drink
No one has actually said much to me except u don't need to diet and I'm still able to go and enjoy myself
If I were u I would just use that excuse with people who don't know about it but as this has been explained to his family they shouldn't question it.
I'm thinking if u know your not going to be eating that u won't feel sick when out
Can I ask what about say Xmas when there's a lot of people but its in a family members home is that ok? Or like a BBQ

Can you start to push yourself gently by going out for a cup of tea or a cold drink in a cafe?

Later on, at another visit, if you're comfortable with it, add in a biscuit or piece of cake, some small snack etc? Build it up to a sandwich or salad, and go from there? It could be a long work in progress, no need to rush it.

Do his family know? Could you organise a meal at your house and invite them over. Once you’re comfortable then have at meal at theirs bit with no other guests. It would mean you could work towards eating out or family gatherings.

How was what ourkidmolly said lacking in compassion?

OP, you say you fear being judged by your partner's family but I would imagine that that is happening already because you refuse to attend any social gatherings they are at. It's all very well saying that you don't stop your DP going but that might only add to a belief that you don't like them.

If your DP has explained what the issue is, so you know they know, are you still completely unable to go out with them and just order a drink? And just enjoy their company? I am sure they care much more about getting to know you and being able to spend time with you than they do about how many courses you order or how much you eat.

You say in your OP that this has stopped you going on holidays but then you say later that you wouldn't say this has stopped you going on holidays so I'm a bit confused about that part.

I don’t think that’s fair @FamilyOfAliens**

Really? Not only did the poster make it all about how she would feel if her family had to suffer the inconvenience of someone having a mental health issue, she also didn’t even bother to read the OP. If she had, she wouldn’t have asked about counselling, which the OP clearly explained about.

And the OP isn’t “refusing” to attend family gatherings. She is struggling with her mental health around social situations and chooses to stay away. She has said herself she is up for taking small steps to address the issue.

That’s a bit like saying someone with agoraphobia is refusing to leave the house.

What if you are eating at home but in a group (not your own family) I''m wondering if you could invite them round just one or two people at a time into your own home so you are not facing them as a large group of unknowns? Would that take any of the stress away OP, meeting them in smaller clusters at home?

Ourkidmolly said she wouldn't want her son to miss out on holidays and the other parts of a social life to cope with op's issue

When :
(a) it's not stopping them going on holiday
(b) it's surely up to her son to make that decision and not her
and
(c) that attitude is likely to make the op feel more, not less anxious.

Op, try not to worry, if I was your mil and you had a quiet word in my ear about this, then I would completely understand as would many other people. The trouble is, you don't know what reaction you'll get when you confide in folk (people claim to be right on and "woke" about mh issues in this day and age but when they actually confront someone with an actual mh issue, all of that "wokeness" can sometimes fly out of the window! )

In your circumstances, I would attend as many of the gatherings that you possibly can and just say vaguely that owing to a health issue, you won't be eating much. Don't feel pressured in to over-sharing, you are entitled to your privacy. Order a small main and tinker around the edges with it!

And how about inviting your dps family to a picnic or some other event, where the food service is under your control, or invite them to an activity that doesn't involve food. If you take control of a couple of these situations you will feel a bit better about them.

Good luck!

And the OP isn’t “refusing” to attend family gatherings. She is struggling with her mental health around social situations and chooses to stay away.

The word "refuse" indicates how her DP's family are likely to see it at the moment.

Couple of answers to questions that have been asked multiple times:
DPs family do know, he's spoken to them not me. How they truly feel about it I have no idea.

Christmas is the absolute worse day of the year for me unfortunately. The yearly family meal absolutely plagues me with fear. I do it but have many times barely eaten then feel awfully rude when someone's cooked. In my mind it's less rude than potentially vomiting it back up. At least with Xmas it's more of a buffet style thing so it's not as obvious when I haven't eaten much as my plate can still look empty.

Pregnancy is still a fear for me, but I feel much more comfortable with the thought of it now as I'm not so terrified be sick in my own home. Took a while to get there though.

@DaisyDreaming the starter thing is a good idea. I just assumed people might look at me the same as they've done when I've ordered a meal and not eaten much. I'd feel more comfortable with a smaller plate of food. I worry too much about how I'm coming across in these situations.

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross I didn't mean to confuse about the holiday comment. I've never gone on holiday with for example a group of friends, something which I'd love to do. I can handle it with DP but we have to make adjustments so I feel more comfortable. I've missed out on so many holidays with friends because of this.

@BrittleJoys I can just about deal with food being eaten around me. It's an uncomfortable experience as having to smell food while your stomach is doing somersaults is hard too but I can deal with that most of the time.

@joystir59 unfortunately, alcohol is one of those things I can't really enjoy at all because it has a social link with well, vomiting. So I don't drink alcohol.

@ChicCroissant @Wildboar meal at my house is more anxiety provoking for me because I know there's no way out of it if that makes sense? :( It's easier for me to not go to something if I feel like I can't deal with it that have to cancel everyone else's plans.

I hope I haven't missed any questions.

I just wanted to also clarify, I have met DPs family on a number of occasions. I can go to social gatherings, but have a hard time with a more formal meal setting. I've for example gone for a BBQ round there's. Everyone's so busy walking around and chatting there that I felt like no one even noticed I didn't eat much and I felt like I could disappear for 5 minutes and take a moment if I needed to and no one would notice. Those sort of casual settings I can deal with.

OP: it stops me going on holidays

Eeyoreshouse: it's not stopping them going on holiday

ourkidmolly posted before the OP posted her retraction of the first statement, so I son't think it's fair to have a go at her for posting based on info the OP herself has provided.