To never eat out with my DP's family because of my emetophobia :(

[RedPurpleyBlue]

I have a phobia of vomiting in front of people. I've had this for a long time and have been to counselling/therapy/tried mindfulness/been on medication from my GP and I've mostly got a grip of it now but one thing I still can't deal with very well is eating in social situations.

The only way I can explain this is imagine feeling very sick in a restaurant and then being handed a plate of food in front of you to put in your stomach. It's really tough for me and I know it sounds pathetic. I have actually vomited before from my emetophobia after forcing myself to eat which is always at the back of my mind because I know it might actually happen.

The few times I have gone to restaurants I've ended up barely eating and then people make comments about it. I worry about being judged by DPs family as I really want them to like me which makes the anxiety worse and so I just can't bring myself to go to family meals with them.

This fear ruins all-sorts, it stops me going on holidays as I know I'll probably have to eat out, work dos etc. Me and DP never go restaurants because of it. My family has kinda gotten used to it because I've been like this for a while but I'm 1 and a half years into a relationship with DP and we keep getting invited to family events/meals as you do and I keep turning it down as I keep thinking I'll end up throwing up infront of all them while they're trying to eat and embarrassing myself.

I asked DP to explain this to his family for me and he has but it means he often goes to these things without me and I feel like such an idiot and worry what they must think of me :(

It honestly gets me down so much because I know on the face value of it all to someone who does not understand I feel like I just seem like a weirdo and a bit rude.

I agree with all the PP who suggest you inviting them for a meal of picnic in your own home where you are comfortable and in control.

You say you like you PiLs? So go and talk to them quietly and tell them your issues and how you struggle with them. If they know the full story then they will be sympathetic whereas if you keep turning down their invitations then you will eventually alienate them. If you don't feel able to talk about it then show them this thread; that would also serve to let them realise it isn't uncommon.

I think many of us find eating with strangers difficult. Not to the degree that you do, but it is often a challenge. My biggest fear is dropping food down me so I try to avoid any wet food with gravy or sauces.

Some great practical advice and support. I don't have this problem but I do suffer from anxiety that makes meals out very difficult. From experience, people don't notice if you order a starter as a main. If it helps you can add a side that you know your partner will enjoy. Have you tried just meeting two of his family for a meal? Go somewhere you know the layout and menu, or for lunch which is less formal. You have put a lot of effort into this already and you should be proud of that.

I don't think people are usually offended by somebody vomiting or find it rude. People understand it's not a voluntary action! So I think eating less or saying you're not very hungry or not feeling very well is less rude than eating something which you might later throw up. Most people would have sympathy in that situation whereas if they did not understand your anxiety would probably find eating very little of a plate to be rude.

I suffered with this from the age of 8 and it really impacted on every stage of my life. I found various coping mechanisms that helped.

Through secondary school if we went out, I'd sit next to someone with a large appetite who could happily finish my meal even if I'd been able to eat no more than 2 bites of the starter and none of the main.

After that I met my husband at 18 and told him about my fear of eating out, and we'd eat at burger places etc where you collect at the counter and no one sees if you just put it in the bin until my confidence increased.

In my 20s when I had to start eating at restaurants, I'd generally say I wasn't v hungry and just order a starter to be served alongside their main courses, with my husband happy to eat it if I couldn't. Just knowing I had an escape from eating it meant I could normally eat about half although it would still turn to dust in my mouth and I'd be convinced I was going to be sick.

In my 30s I started taking mirtazapine for a different anxiety problem, and although I only took it for 6 months, it seems to have resolved my phobia. I can now eat happily in empty restaurants and in situations where I don't know in advance what the meal and serving size are.

What my incredibly long post is trying to say is there are ways to manage your phobia and not miss out on too much, but professional help can be amazing. Good luck

What sort of specific support have you had OP? I have worked with Emetophobics as a CBT therapist and have had good outcomes with this structured approach. It would be worth looking at Dr David Veale’s work - he has done a lot of research into this distressing problem and there is a specialist clinic for Emetophobia at the Maudsley hospital in London. The fact there’s a whole clinic devoted to the subject tells you that you are not unusual OP and the problem can be hugely improved. If you’re having problems accessing CBT through your GP (it’s often a long wait with limited sessions) there is also the option of private help via a properly BABCP accredited therapist which you can find here: www.cbtregisteruk.com/

Counselling really isn’t the right approach but for anxiety disorders CBT is. Please feel free to PM me and I’ll try and point you towards some support in your area. Good luck.

Oh god I've mixed up my words in that message - helpful - what I mean is that you have said you sometimes eat only a small amount from a plate because you think that's less rude than eating and then being sick, I'm meaning to provide a counter opinion. I think most people find eating very little of something on a plate to be a rejection/clear message that you don't like the food, and therefore potentially rude. (possibly also wasteful) However taking/requesting a small portion in the first place would be absolutely fine, and nobody IME would consider it rude if you ate a normal portion and then unfortunately had to be sick - in that situation people tend to have sympathy.

I agree with cbt being a good choice BTW. A friend of mine had cbt for a similar issue and found it expanded her freedom massively.

www.veale.co.uk/ There’s a note of some support groups too.

The word "refuse" indicates how her DP's family are likely to see it at the moment.

What is your evidence for this from the OP? The OP has said her DP’s family know, so there’s every chance they aren’t as unsympathetic as you believe they’d be.

Thanks for all the replies. It's nice to hear from people who understand and also from those who don't necessarily understand to see what actions they would deem "social acceptable" in these scenarios.

@YouokHun I've tried generic counselling and EMDR. My therapist was trying to choose between CBT and EMDR and said EMDR is more for traumatic past experiences which she thought my previous vomiting episodes came under when I explained it all to her.

@BertieBotts I need to get it in my head that it's okay to throw up if I feel ill. Unfortunately it's not so easy. When I vomit it's not like a "oh okay great it's over now", it's like...traumatic to me. It spirals me into massive panic attacks. And it's very very difficult for me to go into a similar situation again without automatically spiralling into a panic attack again.

For those who are stumped by this, Wikipedia has an article on emetophobia that explains it's pretty well. I've probably struggled with 85% of what is mentioned on the page, although I'm doing much better than I was 10 years ago.
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emetophobia#Effects_on_life

OP, I think your therapist made the wrong call there. Counselling is entirely the wrong approach in this instance and EMDR not as well evidenced for treating this specific problem. Both are very useful approaches in other circumstances, but not this one! It’s not that your past is irrelevant but it is your present thinking and behaviour that maintains your problem and this is what CBT focusses on. If you do have CBT make sure it’s from an accredited therapist.

If my DIL were to repeatedly decline invitations to family meals, I'd be looking to myself for the reason. Does she think my house is dirty? Does she find my eating habits repulsive for some reason? I'd find it far easier to cope knowing that she had a phobia, and would try to work around it.

Let's face it, I think most people have some phobia. For most it's something socially acceptable like heights or spiders, but many people have some phobia which they avoid telling people about. You're unlucky in that yours has the capacity to affect everyday life, but you may find that other people don't find it as strange as you fear.

Agreed, @Youok. I had EMDR to process a traumatic episode in my childhood which reared its ugly head during pregnancy, but I wouldn’t have said it was at all suitable for emetophobia.

I should say that while would certainly not class myself as an emetophobe, I’m unusually ‘sensitised’ to vomit and vomiting (probable starting point being extremely prone to carsickness in childhood, and the necessity for long car journeys very often) to the point where pregnancy was hard, and I find it very difficult to eat with my PILs, who are great, but have appalling table manners — eat with mouths open, drop food, drool gravy/sauce, pick their teeth. DH and I manage it by arranging seating, or I focus my attention on DS, and I carry lemon oil and mints, but I will admit that I did throw up in the loos after a recent restaurant meal where we’d ordered a local specialty bread to share, with a seaweed butter, and FIL licked sauce off his knife and plunged it into the communal pot of butter. That finished me, and I had to excuse myself. But it’s fairly rare.

So I’m deeply sympathetic, OP. But get some help, and do try CBT, especially if you’re contemplating TTC. Best wishes.

I totally understand being sick is horrible for you op and I don't want to minimise that. I was more meaning to provide some reassurance/context that other people around you are unlikely to see it as rude and would likely be sympathetic, I would say especially so if you were upset by it.

@FamilyOfAliens
What a silly comment. I presume you mean lacking in compassion as your statement makes even less sense otherwise. The op is asking in AIBU for honest views about how this bloke's family might feel. I said her boyfriend's family might be concerned. I stand by that statement. Relationships are tricky enough without severe mental health issues thrown in too. Doesn't mean it's insurmountable but yes it's a challenge.

I too have suffered with emetophobia from a very young age, although it is much better now.

2 things which have really helped me are:

1. Beta Blockers. Don't address the core problem, but make it impossible for your body to mount a panic attack, which in turn reduces the anxiety leading up to difficult situations and reduces the vicious circle massively.

1. Stop trying to hide my problem and being really evangelical about my anxiety with others and telling them about what it is and what makes it better/worse. I know that most people seem to like me, I'm not an odd person in general, but I have an anxiety problem, so I tell people honestly about it, and own 'my problem'. I know you might think this sounds embarrassing, but it's no more embarrassing than having to make excuses which are peculiar to people. Once you get over trying to 'hide' the problem, it seems less difficult. And what are they going to say anyway? A PP has been challenged for coming across as unsympathetic, and this is what would happen in RL.

I presume you mean lacking in compassion as your statement makes even less sense otherwise

Did you honestly not realise that was a typo?

I was going to refer back to what you originally said rather than what you subsequently said but your post has been deleted.

Go for CBT and exposure therapy. The trick is to break the cycle of avoidance: you're afraid, so you avoid the feared situation, so you become more anxious and fearful of it, and so on.

Phobias are immensely curable with CBT.

Wow I did not know this is a thing
Why would you feel sick/be sick in a restaurant/meal out? The chances of that happening are so slim. I know not 1 single person that has felt sick/been sick in a restaurant. I think you need to get to the root of why you would worry so much about being sick?? The issue doesn't seem to be the actual vomit - it's why you feel you would suddenly start feeling and being sick just because you're eating around other people? I think this sounds like more of an eating disorder masked by the issue of "being sick" I would explore than avenue first OP which is maybe why previous counselling etc hasn't truly got to the root of the problem.

In all honesty, being pregnant and having to deal with morning sickness totally wiped out any fear I previously had of being sick. It just became normal - which sounds horrible, but it is - and I no longer care. Obviously it's still rubbish and I hate it, but it's true that the more it happens to you the less you'll fear it, if that makes sense. I really hope you can overcome it, it's awful having to put your life on hold for a reason like this

@InterestingView

So you have never heard of anxiety about eating in front of others but you somehow feel qualified to diagnose the reason for the OP having this issue?

Right.

@InterestingView you clearly know nothing about emetophobia! I've had this for 40 odd years and it affects every aspect of my life, restricting so many things, including where I'm able to go, what I eat. It also affects a LOT of people.

OP, I have no solution, sorry, but would also suggest just going with them for a drink and telling them you're not hungry so won't be eating. Who cares what they think tbh?

Have you tried hypnotherapy?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross

OP: it stops me going on holidays

Eeyoreshouse: it's not stopping them going on holiday

ourkidmolly posted before the OP posted her retraction of the first statement, so I son't think it's fair to have a go at her for posting based on info the OP herself has provided.

Noted! Fair enough! I only read the second statement, apologies.

I still stand by my view that it shouldn't be up to the mil to approve or disapprove of op's issues; it's her son's assessment of how it is (or not!) impacting on his life that counts.