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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you say this is abuse?

67 replies

TheGirlWithTheFeatherTat · 01/09/2019 16:24

I'm trying to come to terms with the way I was brought up and have made comments in the past to friends etc that I don't like the way my mum treated me when I was growing up, and also why I don't want anything to do with her. Ive blocked her number and I don't answer the door if she is there. I've also told her recently to her face in the nicest way I could that I don't want her in my life. Basically she never gave me any attention, she wouldn't even speak to me to ask how my day was etc, only shout and moan if I did things like leave a cup sitting when I'd just finished drinking out of it. She wasn't interested in coming to see me do things at school such as shows or awards (my dad had to convince her to come). She would say things like "you need to hurry up and settle down or no one will want you". I had no privacy, she would NEVER knock when coming into my room no matter what I was doing. I found her snooping around in my room one day after she thought I'd gone out, she broke my mirror and left it lying on the floor and laughed when I said to her about it. I bought a laptop for university and she used it as a coaster for a cup of coffee with her feet up on it. She basically wasn't interested in me at all. When I tried to say to her how i felt she laughed it off and said it was my fault for being to sensitive. Now as an adult I don't care if she's my mum, she shouldn't have treated me like that I don't want anything to do with her, and even though I've told her she turns up to my house for a catch up whenever she wants. I feel like that only way I'm going to get her out my life is when I'm dead. I've lost family members because I don't speak to her and feel that no one takes me seriously when I tell them I don't want to speak to her

OP posts:

Zebraaa · 01/09/2019 16:25

A lot of these things aren’t deserving of no contact. I think you’ll end up lonely if you keep cutting people out of your life.

NeatFreakMama · 01/09/2019 16:29

I don't think they sound like anything out of the ordinary except her 'not being interested' in you and that depends how it was for you. It doesn't sound like abuse but whether you have a relationship with her or not is entirely up to you, you don't need a reason if you don't want.

kateluvscats · 01/09/2019 16:30

Is there nothing in your life which she has done for you which nice? If so I would focus on these things

Original poster

TheGirlWithTheFeatherTat · 01/09/2019 16:30

It's hard to get everything into a message that she did, those are just some examples. I've not stopped speaking to anyone apart from her but a few members of my family don't seem to get it and one has stopped talking it me and doesn't want to understand my side of the story

OP posts:

dollydaydream114 · 01/09/2019 16:33

A lot of these things aren’t deserving of no contact. I think you’ll end up lonely if you keep cutting people out of your life.

Nonsense. Clearly, for whatever reason, the OP’s mother has made her feel unloved and belittled for her entire life and has brought her nothing but unhappiness. It is perfectly reasonable and OK not to want someone in your life who makes you feel like.

OP, it’s impossible to say whether your mum was abusive, but it’s certainly clear that she was a cold, manipulative and unloving parent who brings absolutely nothing positive to your life. I heard an interview recently with someone estranged from her mother and her story was very similar to yours - her mother fed and clothed her and wasn’t violent but gave her zero affection (she couldn’t remember ever being hugged once by her mum in her entire childhood), showed zero interest in anything she did, belittled her all the time etc. It is absolutely OK to cut someone like that out of your life for your own sanity.

Original poster

TheGirlWithTheFeatherTat · 01/09/2019 16:37

Dolly - yes this is how I felt the entire time growing up. I was fed and clothed but there was nothing else good about the way I was brought up. Thank you

OP posts:

kennyjenny · 01/09/2019 16:39

Have you thought about going to see a counsellor? Your feelings are totally justified but they might help you look past what she was like. If you don't want to see your mum you don't have to though. My mum wasn't the best when I was growing up and sometimes when she's acting up now I would love to cut contact but sometimes it's easier to just put up with it.

womaninthedark · 01/09/2019 16:41

Small things, cumulatively over a lifetime, fully justify no contact!

And, you don't have to justify it. At all, to anyone. The question is, do you feel better if you have nothing to do with your mother? If the answer to that is 'Yes', then you are doing the right thing.

Someone mentioned 'nice things' she'd done. My mother did some 'nice things'. We had some good laughs. But that didn't stop her being a narcissistic bitch who ruined my life. She's been dead five years and it's nothing but a relief. Sometimes I miss her, miss talking to her, but the general feeling is that I'm free at bloody last.

OP, get counselling. If anyone tries to move you back towards your mum, note that they're wrong and move on. If one day you want more contact, you can approach her then. Your choice.

lemonyellowtangerine · 01/09/2019 16:41

Emotional neglect is abuse.

HobbyIsCodeForDogging · 01/09/2019 16:41

No I wouldn't say that was abuse. I assume you've selected a few examples that you found to be the worst things about her, and they certainly don't sound like abuse to me. I can see how the cumulative effect of it all would lead to an unhappy relationship with your mum. Cutting her off is quite extreme though, I would probably just try to spend less time with her than go completely NC.

Nursejackie1 · 01/09/2019 16:43

That sounds like a horrible childhood and it’s upto you how you feel about it and what you do about it. All children deserve and have a need to feel loved. From what you describe I would say a huge chunk of the parent child relationship was missing and I’m very sorry that was your childhood experience

GoneFishingNC · 01/09/2019 16:43

OP - possibly the posters of first three replies here also experienced abuse at the hands of their parents or relatives - but all that you describe definitely does not sound like a “normal” upbringing and it does sound emotionally abusive -

not respecting your privacy, making you feel unloved, withholding attention, not taking an interest in what you were doing, not respecting your things or undermining your achievements (buying a laptop for uni) etc.

And now not respecting your wish to go no contact.
Stick to your guns and enforce your wishes. You don’t have to put up with abuse just because it’s your mother.

Zebraaa · 01/09/2019 16:55

No I have definitely not suffered abuse
I’m just not a snowflake who wants to cut someone off because they told me off for leaving a cup out.

Original poster

TheGirlWithTheFeatherTat · 01/09/2019 16:55

Like I said it's hard to get everything down in a post like this and those were just general examples (and probably not the worst - I remember being locked out of the house because she said I was annoying her. I was probably about 8/9 and went round doors chapping and asking if there was someone I could play with because I was lonely). Yes it's been a lifetime of small cumulative things however they have added up. I've not really spoken with her for around 10 years and she won't take the hint that I don't want her around. However due to family she's always been there in the background and I've always tried to keep the peace whenever we've been in the same place, but in her mind she seems to think that everything is OK. Ive thought for a long time about counselling, I want to do it but I'm worried about opening old wounds

OP posts:

Grumpyunleashed · 01/09/2019 16:59

Like Dollydaydream114 says.
There are many forms of abuse and mistreatment. No one has to beat a child with a bat to make their life an absolute misery.
Your life is your own now, make your choice about contact with your mother and live with the results. Yes you may loose contact with other family members, but if that’s what it takes then as long as your prepared to live with consequences, do it.
Finally, if your mother keeps turning up at your door do not let her in, simply close the door without comment.
Take back control and set what levels of contact you want.
It’s your life, no one else’s.

Original poster

TheGirlWithTheFeatherTat · 01/09/2019 17:00

Zebraaa - I just came here to open up a little and see what people thought and have some understanding for something that has cimsummed my life, not to be called a snowflake. You've obviously had a good time growing up and have never experienced the same things I have

OP posts:

EmmiJay · 01/09/2019 17:05

Her behaviour sounds almost resentful? Thats definite emotional abuse which is horrible to get from your own mother. Has she been like that from you were an infant? Either way I wouldn't want her in my life at all. You're doing the right thing here.

tuberr0se · 01/09/2019 17:13

I suffered from the most AWFUL abuse as a child so it's difficult reading this because I wish I had had what you had. But this is not Top of the Pops (shows my age) I am not belittling anything you have said. It sounds like you're mother was so cold to you. I'm so very sorry. Have you gone to a therapist? And don't get dragged into seeing her again.You have the power now.

Original poster

TheGirlWithTheFeatherTat · 01/09/2019 17:18

No I've not but I've been thinking about it for a while now. I'm sorry for what you've gone through

OP posts:

UndertheCedartree · 01/09/2019 17:22

Yes it sounds like emotional neglect which is abuse. Lots of the things you say do not sound normal - breaking your mirror and laughing about it, gleefully damaging your laptop, refusing to talk to you, giving you no privacy. Those are not normal. Living in an invalidating environment is very damaging.

It is entirely up to you if you go NC and you don't need to justify it. But for your own sake I would seek counselling to come to acceptance of your childhood and reduce the suffering it is causing you now.

Apileofballyhoo · 01/09/2019 17:23

Sounds like emotional abuse to me, OP.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/09/2019 17:26

I had an abusive childhood and it is very hard to remember the good stuff but I know logically some good stuff did happen.
It sounds like your DM made you feel small and unvalued rather than loved and cared for.
If so, she failed as a parent to you.
If she doesn’t add anything to your life then you don’t have to involve yourself with her.
Have a look at the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward

RickOShay · 01/09/2019 17:31

It’s emotional abuse, which is very damaging. My mother was the same, and I have felt the consequences of my childhood my entire life, and still do at 51.
I am so sorry for anybody who suffered abuse as a child. I did not deserve it, and nor did you.
I think counselling would help you come to terms with it.
Try to love yourself and the child you were.

LagunaBubbles · 01/09/2019 17:35

Of course it's emotional abuse, and I think it's disgusting a typical reply insinuates you are a snowflake, it's not about leaving a cup out either.

Original poster

TheGirlWithTheFeatherTat · 01/09/2019 17:37

Thank you for your replies it means alot. I will take a look at that book, thanks for the suggestion

OP posts:

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