Would you say this is abuse?

[TheGirlWithTheFeatherTat]

I'm trying to come to terms with the way I was brought up and have made comments in the past to friends etc that I don't like the way my mum treated me when I was growing up, and also why I don't want anything to do with her. Ive blocked her number and I don't answer the door if she is there. I've also told her recently to her face in the nicest way I could that I don't want her in my life. Basically she never gave me any attention, she wouldn't even speak to me to ask how my day was etc, only shout and moan if I did things like leave a cup sitting when I'd just finished drinking out of it. She wasn't interested in coming to see me do things at school such as shows or awards (my dad had to convince her to come). She would say things like "you need to hurry up and settle down or no one will want you". I had no privacy, she would NEVER knock when coming into my room no matter what I was doing. I found her snooping around in my room one day after she thought I'd gone out, she broke my mirror and left it lying on the floor and laughed when I said to her about it. I bought a laptop for university and she used it as a coaster for a cup of coffee with her feet up on it. She basically wasn't interested in me at all. When I tried to say to her how i felt she laughed it off and said it was my fault for being to sensitive. Now as an adult I don't care if she's my mum, she shouldn't have treated me like that I don't want anything to do with her, and even though I've told her she turns up to my house for a catch up whenever she wants. I feel like that only way I'm going to get her out my life is when I'm dead. I've lost family members because I don't speak to her and feel that no one takes me seriously when I tell them I don't want to speak to her

There are strong arguments for suggesting that emotional neglect is a form of abuse. It doesn't matter, though, whether internet strangers think this was abuse or not. Do you see her behaviour as abusive? It's what you think that counts.

Children absolutely do need love to thrive. Your mother's actions (or lack of them) have left you hurting to the extent that have - or would like to - cut off contact with her as an adult. She has emotionally damaged you. That's no trivial issue.

I'm so sorry you were dealt this card, and that you didn't get the mother you needed and deserved

.

I have a strange relationship with my mam but idolised my nana as a child and most
Of my adulthood

Since loosing my nana and finding out a few other things in my life I have realised that whilst my parent was not perfect she did what was In her capacity at that time.

Now this does not mean she had parenting skills as unfortunately she wAs not born with them, this also does not
Mean she did not have her own problems within her childhood, or the circumstances she was in whilst I was growing up.

I don't have an amazing relationship with my mam but I can now see a bigger picture as to why things may have been the way they were.

This was helped through counselling and time and my age I guess.

Some people find it easier to cut contact I am not one of this people It would unsettle me and use energy I can use on loving those around me

Well it's clear @Zebraaa hasn't been abused judging by the total lack of empathy.

To pick out 'being shouted at for leaving a cup of tea lying around' as a standalone example of 'non abuse' is a deliberate attempt to minimise OP's feelings.
(Can't stand the term 'snowflake' anyway- so bandwagony ).

Being made to feel insignificant during your formative years IS emotional neglect/ abuse. And the feeling that the perpetrator is acting deliberately (ESPECIALLY when it's a parent) is all the more hurtful.

Thanks again for your replies and support, it means alot

You have been very strong to discuss your childhood. Counselling will not tell you anything that you do not know. It will help you to express yourself and give you release from all this unhappiness. If you have good counselling you may be able to handle your future on a safe footing.
Also, there is nothing clever about calling someone who is in pain a snowflake, its very immature so ignore people like that. Take care.

Hello OP. I am gobsmacked at those PPs who have entirely dismissed your feelings and experience. It doesn't matter what we label the behaviour (clearly some people have a narrow definition of abuse) but, as other PPs have pointed out - it wasn't loving or kind. I have been recommended a book "adult children of emotionally immature parents". It described my experience with one of my parents perfectly. Maybe try that and see if it resonates. I like the description as it isn't as loaded as "narcisistic" or "toxic". I'm so sorry you didn't get the care you deserved and you can find a new way to be x

How old are you? how old is she ?

I'm in my 30s and she is in her 60s. I'm just sick of all of it and want to move on with my life, I'm actually scared everytime someone is at the door incase it is her. I don't want her in my life or to know anything about me. I've tried to be civil but I don't want to do it anymore. Thanks for the kind words and book recommendation, I'll look it up

I'm paying no attention to the negative comments, I've seen the same people write equally as low things on other posts, they are just here for the trolling

Just RTFT and am staggered by some of the replies (and knowing as I do that there are so many humans out there who are arseholes, it takes a lot to shock me).

Ending up lonely because you've cut said arseholes out of your life? Bring it on. This used to be one of my worst fears, but there are worse
things in life - far worse - than your own company.

FWIW I was badly abused a child too; in my case at the hands of my father. So badly abused that it left me living with undiagnosed cPTSD for the best part of three decades. This doesn't in any way negate the OP's experience. It's not a competition.

Your feelings are valid. You're entitled to feel what you feel, and not to minimize them. You're entitled to seek help with them, and you're very courageous to have confided in an online forum, many of whose members can be relied on to provide validation and support.

Incidentally, invalidating another's feelings, especially when they have openly confessed to feeling extremely vulnerable, is also another form of abuse. The OP has had quite enough of that at the hands of her own mother, without anyone else putting a spoke in the wheel.

and hugs for you OP.

It’s very sad to read OP. The part that upset me was how she locked you out at a young age and you had to go knocking on your neighbours doors for someone to play with.

As a young child we need that love from our family and it’s no surprise you feel the way you do. I hope you can find some peace amidst all these feelings of rejection and hurt somehow.

I also hope you found some comfort in posting and from the responses

Mariel - your being it on comment made me laugh! Haha thanks!

Nosauce - reading some of my own comments makes me feel strange, it doesn't feel like it was me

Thanks again for your positive comments, I needed them

My childhood was more extreme than yours, but on the same spectrum, so I think I understand.

My parents moved away a few months ago and I've had no contact with them since and it has made such a difference to my wellbeing. I'd recommend avoiding any kind of drama, but quietly disengaging and making yourself less and less available. My siblings no longer speak to me, but they also wish they could get away from our parents, so maybe that will change one day.

I don't regret having no contact with them at all, they are cruel, selfish and violent people. I don't expect to ever see them again and that's fine with me.

Don'tDribble - my mental health is better for not having her in my life as she adds nothing to it, but I worry relentlessly about what others think of me (my family) as they have sometimes made lighthearted comments about me not speaking to her, they don't realise how she treated me. My mum even said one day that the situation was "the joke of the family". She can fuck off. I'm glad you've found some peace xx

Abuse has more than one type.
I am not qualified to say if you were. Certainly your mother did not appear to show you love or emotionally care for you.
To move on you need to put the past behind you. I think a councillor or therapist would be a good start.
I wish you well

I agree with cryalot. You have the chance to access counselling then do it. Your mum ruined your childhood, dont let her or others ruin your life now. Go nc or low. My dh had a terrible upbringing but he loves what he has now. Look at your positives and remove the negatives.

A little update. I downloaded the recommended books and I told my partner that I've been thinking about counselling which he supports. Thank you everyone

It’s not abuse, but she sounds like a shit mum and a not very nice person.

Good for you. The only way is forward, but to move forward we all have to come to terms with our past before we can let it go.
Wishing you strength sweetheart.

Sounds a bit like my upbringing. It's not very good parenting but I wouldn't say it's abuse. Do you have siblings OP? If so, did they get treated the same?

The NSPCC certainly thinks it's abuse : here you go

You might want to have a look at the Stately Homes thread. People have shared a lot of their stories on there, it might help to know you're not alone.

The very, very best thing you could say about your mum is that she emotionally neglected you. If you feel happier without her in your life, or think you might, then you should try it and see. Children are usually very forgiving of their parents - if you dont want her in your life that suggests things were pretty bad.

she couldn’t remember ever being hugged once by her mum in her entire childhood I can't, either. But I'm able to understand that my mother showed her love in other ways, by making clothes for me, making sure I was well fed and physically looked after. Sure, the lack of cuddles and kisses in my childhood caused me problems that I've had to learn to overcome, but there were compensating benefits. And while I've avoided that pitfall with my own children, I am painfully aware that I've fallen short in other ways.

What OP describes doesn't sound like emotional abuse to me, just an inadequacy on her mother's part. But it has had, and still is, having an adverse effect, so it makes absolute sense not to keep contact with her.

I feel so heavy and tired from carrying this around with me all the time, I just want to be rid of it.

Yes I've got two siblings, they seem to have a close relationship with her.

This isn't just about her either, it's baiut my dad too. They argued everyday and we're never happy, it was a relief when they split up but the damage was already done