Would you say this is abuse?

[TheGirlWithTheFeatherTat]

I'm trying to come to terms with the way I was brought up and have made comments in the past to friends etc that I don't like the way my mum treated me when I was growing up, and also why I don't want anything to do with her. Ive blocked her number and I don't answer the door if she is there. I've also told her recently to her face in the nicest way I could that I don't want her in my life. Basically she never gave me any attention, she wouldn't even speak to me to ask how my day was etc, only shout and moan if I did things like leave a cup sitting when I'd just finished drinking out of it. She wasn't interested in coming to see me do things at school such as shows or awards (my dad had to convince her to come). She would say things like "you need to hurry up and settle down or no one will want you". I had no privacy, she would NEVER knock when coming into my room no matter what I was doing. I found her snooping around in my room one day after she thought I'd gone out, she broke my mirror and left it lying on the floor and laughed when I said to her about it. I bought a laptop for university and she used it as a coaster for a cup of coffee with her feet up on it. She basically wasn't interested in me at all. When I tried to say to her how i felt she laughed it off and said it was my fault for being to sensitive. Now as an adult I don't care if she's my mum, she shouldn't have treated me like that I don't want anything to do with her, and even though I've told her she turns up to my house for a catch up whenever she wants. I feel like that only way I'm going to get her out my life is when I'm dead. I've lost family members because I don't speak to her and feel that no one takes me seriously when I tell them I don't want to speak to her

@TheGirlWithTheFeatherTat I am so glad to hear you have a supportive DH and that you are finding the strength to find help and support.

After being low contact with my parent, I am considering no contact now and it feels exhilarating and terrifying. One day I'm a fierce independent woman taking care of myself and my family but other days (or moments!) I am a frightened little girl desperate for approval and acceptance and unconditional love. But I know that the "little girl" needs to accept the limitations of what my parent can provide. And the anxiety and distress they cause with their behaviour.

I think the feeling of shame and what others think is common but ultimately don't serve you well. Your instincts are good - this was wrong, you don't need to play the game any longer. You can do this.

MereDinto, you are missing the point rather spectacularly here. You actually felt loved as a child. That means your mother DID love you, however she expressed it.
OP did NOT feel loved. Children are perceptive of such things- they are perfectly well aware when they are not loved, valued or wanted.
My mother was the same as OP’s. She didn’t beat me - she left that to my father - but she constantly criticised, undermined and tried to destroy my self worth. She never once told me she loved me (it would have been a lie in any case), and pushed me away if I wanted a hug.
She was a narcissist who regarded her daughters as competition for attention that she wanted all on her.
OP, your own feelings are valid. Trust them.
Do not let your mother gaslight you with her sneering that you are the joke of the family for cutting her off. She is trying to isolate you and make you question your judgment.
I also recommend the Toxic Parents book- you will identify with some of the cases in there - and please also get therapy to help you move forward and leave your ghastly mother in the past, where she belongs. God bless.

I completely agree with you MereDintofPandiculation. I can in fact remember many a time sitting right up close to my mum on the settee watching tv in the evenings and willing her to put her arm round me, she never did and I sometimes resorted to physically moving her arm up and over my shoulder myself (God I feel really sad thinking about it now). Same with holding her hand when out, it was always me that grabbed hers, never the other way round. I don't remember her ever kissing me or anything like that and it wasn't really until I had my own kids that I realised how emotionally cold my mum was. I still love her though, in fact I pity her because I would have hated to be like her and missed out on all those lovely kisses and cuddles with my kids. Also my mum lost her own mother when she was only 8, so I excuse her lack of affection on her not receiving that motherly love herself.

Meredint

What OP describes doesn't sound like emotional abuse to me, just an inadequacy on her mother's part

What about the bit where her mum put her coffee and her feet on the OP's laptop? Or where she broke her mirror and then laughed about it when it was brought up? It's admirable that you can see past your own mother's coldness to the love that she showed in other ways, I don't think this is the same though.

OP, it sounds like you had a very stressful, lonely childhood.

Suggestions that being in the midst of a terrible marriage, and emotionally ignored are not abuse, is utterly ridiculous.

Your response to your doorbell ringing is very telling.

You just don't want to be around her.

Own those emotions.

You are absolutely entitled to feel how you feel.

I think speaking to someone is a very good idea. You need to do this.

It's in your mother's own interest to belittle your memories and your feelings.

Don't concern yourself with her narrative.

Focus on how you feel and what you want.

I'm glad you have your partner's support.

Speaking to someone will give you the chance to full acknowledge how you feel.

You owe that to yourself, to fully express how you feel, in a safe environment.

The very best of luck to you.💐

The term "abuse"is obviously subjective and I think some people mean that you weren't subjected to severe abuse.You know what you experienced but I think the examples you've given are pretty low scale. I feel a little sorry for mothers who aren't demonstrative superwomen and it's scary to think of what they're measured against.

Zebra - what do you get out of coming on here and making such a hateful comment? Does it make you feel good? Because the OP has talked about a childhood where essentially there was no love.

You are absolutely justified in cutting someone off for treating you like shit. Ignore the other silly posters, clearly OP has been deeply hurt by her ‘mother’, there’s obviously more to it. If someone is toxic, disregards your feelings, makes you feel awful after spending time with them etc why would you bother maintaining contact with them? Her mother was emotionally abusive and posters are trying to minimise that.

@Streamside it's really not that subjective. The NSPCC has its own page on emotional abuse, and a lot of what the OP has mentioned is included in their definition.

Like you I feel sorry for mothers who aren't demonstrative, especially as society seems to blame mothers for half of society's ills while expecting women to bear the lion's share of the work and cost of children - but I don't feel sorry for someone like the OP's mother, who has not just been distant but has consistently taken no notice of the OP other than to tell her off. Everyone who wants to can do better than that, even people who are not demonstrative.

I have the same issue with my Grandmother (my Grandparents raised me). She doted on DB and DSis but I was the one in the middle so I was fed and somewhat well clothed (she would cut my clothes up a lot to make dresses for Dsis’s dolls though).

I got all the blame, she told me she hated me more than once when I was growing up, she didn’t want me there, just my siblings, never cuddled, kissed or really interacted with me unless it was to belittle me. On the day of my GCSE results she just glanced at the card and said “you failed Maths” and threw it in the bin. I had to rescue it later. I passed all my other subjects and I’m Dyspraxic - she didn’t care about it at all.

I went NC as soon as I was old enough to move out. But reconnected recently as I realised that my Gran had almost the same treatment from her own Mother, so in my circumstances I can understand she sacrificed a lot by just taking me and my siblings in and whilst I got the brunt of her ire, she was as much a product of her own upbringing as I am of mine.

If you know you will benefit from NC so you can just focus on you then do so. Withholding emotional support and treating you as an inconvenience most of your life does equate to neglect in my mind and I hope you can heal OP

Willing to bet all those calling OP a snowflake are abusive mothers themselves.

I had a mum like yours( with added physical discipline, humiliation, name calling and more. She once remarked of my sexual assault by two men that I probably enjoyed it)

I completely understand you. And yes this is emotional abuse. It's not a competition, there are varying degrees. I would go no-contact. If she wasn't your mother would you still be talking to her?

I had a totally miserable childhood. Two parents who made it very clear I was an unwanted burden who ruined their hopes of being happy in their life.
I am no contact. I feel no guilt.

Willing to bet all those calling OP a snowflake are abusive mothers themselves

Or had abusive upbringings and are in that "never did me any harm" mindset. Compassion begins with self-compassion...

Absolutely.

I don't think it's abuse. Although these days, nearly everything that makes anyone feel bad someone will say it qualifies as abuse. I do think it's kind of irrelevant whether it is our not as it's entirely unacceptable and you don't need to find a label for something to make your decision to cut her out.

She sounds very cold. She brings nothing to your life. You sound like a very competent woman, and you don't need to associate with someone who holds so many negative connotations for you.

Question...not a loaded question, and read the to the end before you don't take it in the right way. Was any of this justified? For example, she locked you out. My cousin, went through a period of really inappropriate behaviour culminating in an argument where he spat in my auntie's face when he was 15. My god did she lose her shit. Kicked him out, he spent 4 days on our sofa before she would even speak to him. She was perfectly justified to do that in my opinion. Is there anything where you look back and think you may have played a part in her behaviour, as you say she didn't apply the same behaviour to other siblings.

MereDinto, you are missing the point rather spectacularly here. You actually felt loved as a child. I didn't. Not by my mother. At times I thought she hated me. It's only since adulthood that I've looked at her in a new light.

Thanks again for all your supportive comments and discussion. I've just been making some enquiries re counselling this morning.

@Courtney - I was well behaved growing up and was very quiet due to the things that happened at home. I'd never speak up about anything. I studied hard and got good grades and was part of different clubs at school such as maths club and orchestra. She wasn't interested one bit. I had the chance to go to a music school at the weekends and she refused to buy me my own instrument with her words being "I didn't get things like that when I was young so neither are you". My older sibling was brought home by the police on a few occasions and was mixed up with the wrong people. The younger was babied and got thibgs they wanted. Thinking more about it and picking up a point mentioned earlier, i think she was jealous of me and what I was trying to achieve. When I graduated she said she would have a big party and show everyone else how good we were