To think if someone sleeps with you /kisses you they like you?

[harriettytt]

Having a chat with some friends last night and have been dating a guy for a month now.
Obviously we are kissing and sleeping together...so I said to my friend I'm going to ask where this is going.
My friend has said I shouldn't say anything till I know he likes me more than a friend.
So now I'm all confused ..surely if he kisses /sleeps with you he likes me more than friends ?
Am I being silly?

It means they want sex as well as friendship. It doesn’t necessarily mean they want a relationship.

I know plenty of men who will sleep with women they don’t even ‘like’ at all provided they find them physically attractive.

Have you had the exclusivity chat?

To be blunt, if you're on good enough terms to let him out his penis in you, you should be on good enough terms to have a chat about how things are shaping up without jeaprodising things.

No we haven't had any kind of chats.
I just assumed her seen me as not a friend if he was sleeping /dating me.
It's confusing these days

(You are certainly right to have a chat with this man about where this is going, though- your friend isn’t giving you great advice!)

Um.

As a general rule: Lots of men have sex with women they don't particularly like. Sex is not a marker of how much they like you.

Does he listen when you talk? Does he ask questions? Is he kind?

Obviously he doesn’t “just see you as a friend” if he’s having sex with you.

But he might not see you as more than a fling/permanent life-partner material. I assume your mate just means it’s too soon for a “state of the relationship” talk and it might feel to him like you are moving a bit fast after only 4 weeks (and presumably only 5-10 dates).

Obviously you are the one dating him so you know how it feels to you. But I think for most relationships 3-6 months is about right for the “do you love me/is this serious” talk.

He asks questions yes,he was concerned when I was ill last week,checking up etc but I guess friends do that too.

You’re not being silly, just terribly naive! Surely you’re aware that some men see women simply as objects to shag? It doesn’t necessarily mean they want anything more than a convenient sperm receptacle.
You will never know whether your particular chap sees you as more than this unless you ask. And if he doesn’t, you probably won’t see him for dust if he fears you want to get serious.

Have you had the exclusivity chat?

I might be old-fashioned, but for me the exclusivity chat happens immediately after “do you want to go out for a drink?” They can manage to keep it in their pants for a week or two

You sound very naive.

You won't jeopardise anything by talking to him about it. Either he likes you or he doesn't. If he does, he'll be pleased. If he doesn't, you find out sooner rather than later.

I feel so old fashioned. I'm sure there was a time when (in general) couples would be sure they liked each other first, then start having sex. Maybe I'm imagining it. Yes, I probably am. I don't know.

Btw, you're totally within your rights to say to him "I want us to be exclusive" and if he says no to walk away. Or to insist on exclusivity before you have sex with anyone.

If they don't like you enough to stop fucking other people then they don't like you very much. You're worth more than that.

Tableclothing we can sit here together with our knitting, tutting about young people today

All it means is they're attracted to you.

You’re sleeping with a guy you’ve known for a matter of weeks and you’re wondering if he likes you more than a friend...
You’re either very young or very stupid. Or possibly both.

It sounds like you and your friend may be on a different page as regards the significance of a physical relationship.

Her advice suggests she thinks it is purely about physical attraction/urges in the moment and says nothing at all about what the person thinks of you. In her world, if you and a friend fancy each other and want to sleep together, that's fine.

In my world, kissing and sex are not part of a friendship relationship.... once they appear, the relationship dynamic is different. It doesn't necessarily mean you are going to end up married and having babies, but it is not just a friendship any more.

Your question implies your world view is closer to mine than to hers. Now, her view doesn't matter, but his does. That's the important question - does he sleep with people he considers friends, or does it have to be more than that?

In my world, one month would be very early to be asking where this is going. But then I would have already sussed out that the other person wasn't only looking for a fun fling.

@tableclothing @sashkin - can I join you? It's not at all obvious to me that you would be sleeping with someone when you've only been seeing them a month.

Sashkin I'm only 36

I work with young people though and some of the young women have such low self esteem. It is very sad. They don't feel able to assert themselves in relationships at all, feel like a man showing sexual interest is the highest compliment they can be paid, etc etc.

If they don't like you enough to stop fucking other people then they don't like you very much

I agree, if you are going out with me, you can focus on me thank you very much, not trying to get in somebody else’s pants at the same time.

And who are all these men with five girlfriends on the go? The single men I know in their 30s are happy to get one woman to go out with them, they don’t have multiple women battering down their doors to date them. Unless you mean ONS on Tinder, and frankly as I said above if you want to go out with me, you can get off OLD for a couple of weeks while we decide if it’s going anywhere or not.

Maybe I am a bit stupid
I'm 34 so I don't know if that's young or old In people's eyes
All I know is I don't sleep with friends.
I'm not saying he is the love of my life but I certainly don't see him as a friend.
There's sexual attraction there anyway so I fancy him.

Sexual attraction is different from liking in terms of a relationship.

Absolutely have the conversation but prepare yourself in case it doesn’t go the way you want.

All I know is I don't sleep with friends

It’s possible he sees it as a FWB type thing - you do need to find out whether you’re compatible

You’re 34

The weird thing is that I... erm... Wasn't exactly "reticent" when I was younger (although I can appreciate a level of wisdom to that approach now). I slept with DH the first night I met him. But I wasn't ever scared to ask (or tell) a man where we were in relationship terms, and if I thought a man didn't like me I wouldn't have seen him again. And I would have classed a man who was sleeping with other people as someone who didn't like me enough for me to bother with them.
It's the diffidence in the OP that I find sad/worrying.

OP - crucial questions: do you want to have a relationship with this man? What is it about him that would make it a good idea? Is there anything about him that would make it a bad idea?

PuzzledObserver apt username