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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if someone sleeps with you /kisses you they like you?

63 replies

harriettytt · 01/09/2019 16:20

Having a chat with some friends last night and have been dating a guy for a month now.
Obviously we are kissing and sleeping together...so I said to my friend I'm going to ask where this is going.
My friend has said I shouldn't say anything till I know he likes me more than a friend.
So now I'm all confused ..surely if he kisses /sleeps with you he likes me more than friends ?
Am I being silly?

OP posts:
KUGA · 01/09/2019 16:48

you are living under a stone .
To him its sex and nothing else Welcome to the gross sick world of its all about me.
SADLY THATS TODAYS LIFE.

WanderingMind · 01/09/2019 16:51

I might be old-fashioned, but for me the exclusivity chat happens immediately after “do you want to go out for a drink?” They can manage to keep it in their pants for a week or two

Totally agree! To me, if you're going out with someone they are the only person you are seeing! I know I'm old fashioned.

Smile
Original poster
harriettytt · 01/09/2019 16:51

Yeah I would love a relationship with him.
Or at least be exclusive and see what happens
I wouldn't be up for fwb situation
I get too jealous

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 01/09/2019 16:52

Then you definitely need to have the conversation before you go any further.

You’re not unreasonable to do so, he wouldn’t be unreasonable to walk away.

Sometimes people just aren’t compatible.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 01/09/2019 16:53

OP it sounds to me like you are dating...yes you sleep together thats fine but its too early to say its a relationship.Give it time with no pressure...dont expect too much too soon and just enjoy being together...if its meant to be it will work its self out....

codenameduchess · 01/09/2019 16:55

if that's how you see it op then I'd have a chat with him, best to find out early if he's interested in perusing a relationship so you're not overly invested if he's not. Are you new to dating as you sound quite naive?

Lots (most?) of people have had sex with someone they are physically attracted to but have no interest in building a relationship with... Friends with benefits/fuck buddies is a common set up, and it's very hard to say 'yes, I want a long term relationship with this person' after only a few weeks.

Original poster
harriettytt · 01/09/2019 16:56

Yeah I'm going too
We get on really well,I don't want to put him under no pressure in case it scares him

OP posts:
Original poster
harriettytt · 01/09/2019 16:57

@codenameduchess I was with the same person for 15 years so haven't really dated at all tbh

OP posts:
VictoriaBun · 01/09/2019 17:03

You say you wouldn't be up for a FWB, isn't this what it is ?I

Does he take you out, go for meals, talk about holidays, meet with friends , tell you about his family etc.

Maybe I'm wrong but in more situations like this the woman hopes it will develop into more and is waiting for the man to suggest it . If your both happy with fwb, then good all round. But, it doesn't sound like you are.

KatherineJaneway · 01/09/2019 17:04

So now I'm all confused ..surely if he kisses /sleeps with you he likes me more than friends ?

No guarantee at all.

Original poster
harriettytt · 01/09/2019 17:09

We have been out for a meal and drinks and to the cinema /bowling.
We chat daily about all sorts
He texts on a morning /when he's at work/night time
He asks about my mum who has dementia
Asks how I am,did I get home safe etc
But I guess friends to that too

OP posts:
Roozy123 · 01/09/2019 17:11

@Tableclothing

*Um.

As a general rule: Lots of men have sex with women they don't particularly like. Sex is not a marker of how much they like you.

Does he listen when you talk? Does he ask questions? Is he kind?*

This!

AlrightOkNow · 01/09/2019 17:16

I would really recommend getting a copy of He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt.

It may seem obvious but with the games some people play, it isn't always so simple. Some people like sex and companionship without labels so you definitely can't assume but the longer you leave it without defining it, the more of an excuse you give someone to have their cake and eat it really.

JonSnowsCloak · 01/09/2019 17:18

4 weeks isn't a long time! You are both figuring out whether you want this to go further, it's fine to be sleeping with someone when you haven't had 'the chat'. You're still getting to know each other. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to be your boyfriend but he may be feeling the same as you and also worried about scaring you off...but if he likes you he wont be scared off. If you mention and he does he wasnt worth it anyway.

TSSDNCOP · 01/09/2019 17:18

Move up the n the bench!

If I think I’d like someone as a friend as well as fancy them, and I’d given myself a bit of time to know I like spending time with them then I’d consider sleeping with them. By that point I’d want to know I was the only one they’re sleeping with.

PuzzledObserver · 01/09/2019 17:21

All I know is I don't sleep with friends. I'm not saying he is the love of my life but I certainly don't see him as a friend. There's sexual attraction there anyway so I fancy him.

Well, that's good, so far as it goes. You're not just sleeping with him because he showed an interest, which is what @tableclothing's low self esteem comment was hinting at.

Now, the important thing is - does he sleep with his friends? Or with women he's just met? Or with more than one woman in parallel?

Cos those are things which some men do, but which for me would be the end. If those things are important to you, then you probably need to ask him.

Toodlesdeary · 01/09/2019 17:28

I think you are defo more than friends. If you are going out on dates like that, sleeping together and texting daily I would have the conversation

Pipandmum · 01/09/2019 17:33

You say you have been dating this guy for a month, not that you were friends first so I would think he likes you in a romantic way.
If you feel you are at that point where you want to consider him your boyfriend and be exclusive you should tell him. If he’s not there yet hopefully he will be honest. Then you can decide if you want to continue
seeing him.
My son is 16 and in his world saying someone is your girlfriend or boyfriend means you are exclusive.

HeadintheiClouds · 01/09/2019 17:36

I’m a lot older than 16 and it’s the same in my world!!

Zakana · 01/09/2019 17:40

In my experience, men find it easier than women to separate love and sex. That’s just what I have experienced, I am sure plenty of people would disagree. Could be a more FWB type relationship for him, but don’t try to just guess, it’s impossible, just ask him!

Tistheseason17 · 01/09/2019 17:45

Time for the "are we exclusive or just fwb?" chat.

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/09/2019 18:05

This reminds me of many years ago, a friend’s younger sister saying she knew her boyfriend loved her as he got an erection when they had a slow dance at the school disco. 😂 Bless.

Heartburn888 · 01/09/2019 18:16

I’d say you need to have the conversation depending on what you are wanting out of the relationship. If you’re happy with friends with benefits then a go for it providing you are having safe sex as if this is the persons stance on some types of friendships Then he may well have a few regular partners.

I personally wouldn’t be happy with the fwb scenario. But that might just be down to my age 😂

dodgeballchamp · 01/09/2019 18:21

I might be old-fashioned, but for me the exclusivity chat happens immediately after “do you want to go out for a drink?” They can manage to keep it in their pants for a week or two

Bloody hell, if someone asked me to be exclusive the first time we met/went for a drink i’d run a mile (I’m a woman). I don’t stop talking to or meeting other people when I’m physically dating someone either, not until there’s been a conversation about where the situation is headed. Recently had a few dates with a nice but bland guy who I had no intention of starting a relationship with, he was fairly attractive so I chose to sleep with him, was still talking to others on dating apps though. If he’d have assumed we were exclusive from that I’d have been pretty freaked out and thought he was coming on too strong too soon. As it happens I ditched him as we had nothing in common. People enjoy sex and like to keep their options open - but I make this clear very early on that this is my approach. You need to have a chat with him and find out where he’s ag

PositiveVibez · 01/09/2019 18:30

34! I thought you were going to say early 20s and I was going to sympathise, as I would shag boys early on at that age, thinking they liked me and wanted to be my boyfriend. Took me a few years to wise up! But my self esteem was shot to shit and it was a vicious circle.

Once I realised that, very unfairly, boys really don't see girlfriend material in an easy shag (some exceptions of course) and I realised I was worth more than being used as a quick fuck, my life became immensely better.

Although I am a hypocritical twat, because I went home with my now dh on the first night and we've been together 17 years, so go figure 🤷‍♀️

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