Mental health and parenting

[HungryHiker]

So many posters share how tough, relentless and hard work parenting is. I've had an up/down time after a traumatic childhood and I genuinely don't think I'd cope with the stress, sacrifice and lack of sleep.

AIBU to think you need to be mentally very strong, resillient and positive to be a good parent, and to enjoy parenting?

My Mum has a mental illness and she should never have had children, IMO. We had a rotten life.

I wish someone had noticed, and had removed us. She loved babies, but was ill-equipped to cope with children - even less with teens. So our lives were pretty awful.

I don't think it's about being "positive" so much OP, consistency matters more. Nothing felt more tense unsafe than leaving the home in the morning in quiet, to coming back to crying, screaming and ranting. We went to school & never knew what we were coming home to.
2 of us were on anti-depressants by the age of 14 (before doctors had to meet additional requirements to prescribe to U18s).

All I'll say is, if your mental health is very up and down, don't do it.
Or if you do, make sure you have a real, reliable support network to hand. Babies are easy compared to children and teens - and they grow up really quickly.

When people ask themselves, "Will my MH cope with having DC?", they should also ask "If I have DC, will their lives suffer as a consequence?".

Ditto myleftarm

I know a mother with severe mh problems, often leading to inpatient treatment. But, because of the wider family circumstances, family unit, extended family, friends, finances etc they only impact the dd in the same way a mother with a severe physical problem might. Either her mother is fine, or she isn’t at home alone with her. It’s severe enough that there’s no grey area the dd might feel responsible, and no situation where the mother is dependent on her.

On the other hand I know another girl that has a very unpleasant life because of her mothers mild depression and anxiety and their family circumstances.

Resilience is slightly different. You only have to read threads on here, even if you don’t have real life experience, to notice some people without any mh problems lack any form of resilience because they live in a bubble. If you’re ranting and raving about healthy adults using a p&c space and getting out your violin about parking elsewhere you’re hardly equipped to deal with normal daily challenges let alone real problems.

I have mental health issues. They have been under control for years. I have a 2 year old and a 14 week old. After the birth of my 14 week old, I developed pnd and post natal anxiety. However, I make damn sure it doesnt impact my children. I push myself to do things for them, and tbh, i find that once i am doing things with them, I feel much better. I am getting support with the pnd which I am assured I could have developed even if I didn't have previous mh issues, because I had a traumatic first birth. I do try and hide my MH issues. Rightly or wrongly. Becoming a mum has made me develop better coping strategies because I know I need to be well.

Only you can know if you would deal with more stress, responsibility, worry and lack of sleep.

I think I need to take a deep breath before replying to the above first two posters who responded to the OP.

Mental health isn’t the same as character. It isn’t the same as characteristics.

You can be a positive, balanced bubbly person and become depressed or mentally unwell.

If we rephrased this question as “people with MS/rheumatoid arthritis/Sjogren’s/thyroid shouldn’t have kids”, there would be a riot of comments.

Yet the usual conflation of health, and character/personality means that people who have temporarily become ill, are stricken with the tab of “bad parent”.

Some people are naturally resilient and organised and for that I commend them.

Others need to be helped and perhaps due to something else much larger and fundamental affecting them.

As a result I have to disagree with this post. People with long term MH issues will have kids. I was one of them.

We can also find ways to overcome our condition and manage it.

If you’re not one of those parents yet? Don’t give up hope. Do the best you can for your kids.

I think you just need to genuinely love your childre, genuinely be trying your best with them and genuinely trying to assess your own behaviour and be self aware. No one is perfect and no one is the perfect parent. People with mental health issues can also be good parents... in fact people without mental health issues can sometimes be terrible parents..
I personally believe the worst parents are the inflexible and arrogant ones who have very rigid ideas about how their children are going to grow up... the ones that view children as objects or extensions of themselves and try and control them minutely and/or lose interest completely if things arent panning out exactly as they had hoped.
In my experience it's not mental health problems that make bad parents although of course you can gave mental health issues and be a bad parent... the two dont go hand in hand as a hard rule.
I think if you are worrying about how best to parent your child then you are on the right road... theres no definitely 'right' way to parent... it's about giving a shit and doing your best with whatever you've got.

It's so individual. I had a mum who had terrible pnd, repeatedly told me she wished I was a cot death statistic and left me with a lot of issues as an adult. She still doesn't have any resilience, everything is someone else's fault and she needs someone else to fix it.

I ended up having postpartum pyschosis after the arrival of dc1 and it was a horrendous time. Luckily dh's employers were very understanding and supportive and he got to work from home for pretty much the first six months. I was diagnosed with pstd (from something years earlier) and pnd as well when he was a small baby. It's been hard absolutely and there are days where dh still has to work from home but it's something I strive to keep private from my children.

Although I'd be typing this from a private island if I had a pound for every health care professional who has told me how resilient I am...

When people ask themselves, "Will my MH cope with having DC?", they should also ask "If I have DC, will their lives suffer as a consequence?".

This. My Dad has had MH issues all his life but my Mum did an amazing job of shielding me from them so I didn't realise that he had problems until I was in my teens. Even then, she was a constant source of reassurance and it was only after she died that I discovered how bad he really is. She must've really loved him to cope with everything all those years - I don't think she realised how ill he could be before they married and had a family.

As a PP said, the main consideration is whether your DC will suffer as a consequence of your MH problems, or can you put strategies in place to ensure that doesn't happen? I have anxiety, for example, and when it worsened a couple of years ago, I knew I had to get help before it impacted my family I went to the doctor's, went on medication and had counselling.

Essentially, the DC's welfare must come first.

@AmiCrazyOrWhat2

And we say we should “speak more” about mental health in this country, yet I read posts like this and realise that’s just lip service.

You say your mother did a great job “shielding” you from it all...

Ok.

But is the best approach to “shield”? Or is it to talk about what people’s health needs are, how they’re trying to work through them etc? It just perpetuates MH as this dirty, complex thing that gets stuffed under the carpet whereas if the parent has MS, arthritis etc, they’d be openly talking around the kitchen table about steroidal drugs, side effects, walking aids etc... we create stigma automatically when it’s the mental side, because it’s considered a weak characteristic rather than an unfortunate affliction.

Which leads me to the “I don’t think she knew how ill etc”...

Wow ok.

Does this mean MH suffers should carry a written projection from a health professional, stating how bad their illness could be?

Good job my mum didn’t have that when she met my stepdad; he wouldn’t have cared anyway as they loved and supported each other through everything.

I’m just trying to say that mental health isn’t some sort of horrible affliction that means the parent has been irresponsible and should have pulled it together somehow.

I managed to become healthy, which is why I feel I can parent. It can happen.

Thank you for that, @GinDaddy

I had a lot of mental health issues before my daughter was born and I felt like a lot of the professionals involved thought I was going to be a bad mother. I’m not. I’m a good mum and have been reasonably stable since my daughter was born, although I am going through a mild bout of depression at the moment. If I were to get seriously unwell again, we would manage it in the same way that we would manage if one of us became physically ill.

I'm just reading through the replies; it's a very emotive issue. My own mental health is at the heart of why I'm not a parent yet, so I really appreciate the replies and perspectives, thank you.

@slapmyarseandcallmemary
I'm very similar. I have two older children and also have very long-standing mental health issues but also always wanted to be a mum. It's bloody hard work as it is for everyone. I can't say if it is harder than without a mental illness although in my experience I do seem to struggle more with the average day to day stuff that others take in their stride.

My advice in addition to what @slapmyarseandcallmemary said would be to talk through any problems with the kids if they did witness anything. Mine know I get "tired" and need to rest and be left alone sometimes and if they see me crying or witness me being sad, I will explain to them along with my DH who is very supportive, that it isn't anything they have done wrong, I just have a poorly head that needs to get better. They seem to be well adjusted and not at all traumatised so far at nearly 6 and nearly 3.

@GinDaddy

You have to realise that I'm talking about decades ago when people didn't talk about mental health. My parents married in the 1960's when it was a taboo subject and my Dad/his family didn't mention his mental health history to my Mum at all. She genuinely had no idea how badly he could spiral down- that type of "sweeping it under the carpet" was totally wrong.

When I say she shielded me as a child, what I mean is that she tried to give me a stable childhood and not let his problems affect me. Some examples of what she shielded me from are:

I didn't discover how many times he'd OD'ed during my childhood until I was an adult.

I didn't realise that him not being around meant that he was sectioned - until I was in my early teens. Then she did tell me that he wasn't well and we visited him. I'd already guessed something was up as I'd seen some puzzling behaviour.

Since she's died, I've had to deal with ranting and threats of suicide Now, of course, I can cope with it - but a child couldn't.

I'm not suggesting that we bury things under the carpet at all, but that parents need to figure out coping strategies so that their DC don't suffer and explain things in an age-appropriate way.

I've told my DC about my anxiety and reassured them that I continue to get help. They did witness some crying, etc. so they need to know that it's under control.

I have had anxiety and depression all my life but I have been fortunate to have mostly had a supportive network and stability (jobs and long term friends) which has helped me in so many ways. I am more resiliant than I knew myself to be, and that is because I have DC. Without them I don’t know where I would be now, would I try as hard as I do? I have had some difficult and dark times and to be honest I do not really know how this has affected my DC, because this is the way our family is, so I don’t know how things would have been otherwise? I’ve never been so unwell I have stopped parenting, but I’ve had to slow down and possibly they have missed out on some things but we all do seem to love each other and I don’t think they resent me. I think what really counts is whether you keep getting back up and trying again and again — or whether you give up and then find it hard to learn how to manage again

MH issues does not mean someone is going to be a bad parent, it can mean you are very aware and empathetic to those around you.

@drogonssmile absolutely agree. I think children, and indeed people in general, need to know that mental health is as important as physical health. I will always do my absolute best to make sure my children are not negatively impacted by my MH issue, but I think their should be an open dialogue about it.
It's very emotive and only you will know whether you would cope with children whilst dealing with your own MH issues op.

*there not their

I don't know why we are putting this all on mothers generally. My father had some untreated mental illness most of my life, and I always thought his spells of ignoring me or calling me names were because I had done something wrong. That said, I have very well controlled bipolar disorder for over a decade. The key is intervention, proper long term medication and perinatal mental healthcare during both pregnancies and after. I am a really good mum, not in spite of, but because of my mental illness. I know when to check myself, and if I am having a bad day, I just say I am feeling a bit poorly and need extra cuddles. However, if you are not properly treating your mental and physical health, single or have a partner who isn't prepared to take on more than 50% sometimes, I wouldn't advise it.

gin I’m sorry if you feel I’m of the opinion that all parents with mh issues are in any way inferior, or shouldn’t have children. That isn’t what I mean.

But some children do have their childhoods ruined by their parents mental illness. As we seem to agree, resilience and personality aren’t related to mh. But if you’re lacking on the first two, the chances of keeping the latter under control around dc are minimal. Not to mention that some people with depression or other illnesses, can sometimes act selfishly as a symptom of the illness, regardless of how lovely they are as a person. Or that any other symptoms of their particular illness may be difficult to be around. And depending on the condition and severity, with all the good intentions in the world if there’s no other support around, it’s very easy for the parent to turn to the child.

Being on the receiving end of a parent that compounds the illness with their lack of resilience and selfish personality is not something I’d wish on anyone. No child should ever be expected to provide regular reassurance for their parents anxiety, or tread on eggshells, listen to endless depressive rants, be threatened with suicide or have a parent that is emotionally dependent on them instead of the other way round.

That doesn’t mean I can’t, let alone won’t acknowledge the fact millions of parents with mh problems do a great job of parenting whilst protecting their dc from the negative side. But it’s not true to pretend that there is always a happy ending.

pmk back after tht

I’m a great mum. But not all the time. If I had been diagnosed with my mental health issues before having children I wouldn’t have had them. I don’t think it’s right to have children if you have a disability that I pacts their life negatively.

Everything TrainspottingWelsh said.

It depends what the child is like. I should’ve known mine would be like me..I adore her but I suspect I have ADHD and I find many aspects of parenting very very hard. The constant noise, disorder, being touched all the time to name just a few. She is sensory seeking and has a constant need for new information and touch...phew!
I had some sort of breakdown when she was around 9m but I didn’t seek help till she was older. I was told it was post-natal anxiety and depression; I now feel that it wasn’t and am thinking about seeing the GP re ADHD.
Self awareness is very important-so many people just act out their feelings without having the words to explain what’s going on or without any understanding of why they do things. You have self awareness.
I’m not perfect and I do lose my temper and screech more than I’d like but what about our positives? I’m extremely affectionate, creative and intuitive with DD..I’m very loyal. Maybe some of us our personality traits are more extreme in both directions...my DD has a temper, is that learned or genetic?
I am resilient, I work in emergency services for instance but having a child who was exactly like me was something else.
Support, family and friends is also important.

I have schizoaffective disorder (bipolar type) & Depression & Epilepsy.

Both the perinatal psychiatrist I saw & my own psychiatrist said they would want me to be in a stable relationship with a good support network before having a baby.
Well that hasn't happened.

That I should stay on my anti depressants & anti psychotics but they couldn't guarantee that a baby wouldn't be born disabled.
And that I'm at high risk of pre & post natal Psychosis & depression.

So I'm 43 now & childless & very unhappy about it.

I just wish my colleagues & patients at work (I'm an HCA) would shut up about babies & children & grandchildren instead of going on & on about them all bloody shift long.
Today a patient insisted on showing me a video of his new baby grandson saying well my daughter's biological clock was ticking, and I thought well what about mine??

My sister doesn't seem to want children so no nieces / nephews. I have one godson who I see approx once a month.

I could still meet someone & have a baby of course but I'm too scared to do online dating... And as I said on another thread I know some single men who like me but I don't fancy them & don't believe in settling.

Realistically could I care for a baby right now?
I get very tired due to meds. I'd find it hard to wake in the night for feeds.
Ive had hallucinations due to tiredness recently anyway.
I struggle to keep a daily routine going, to feed myself & shower & clean my teeth.
I just about make it to work part time but get very paranoid at work.
But I have a cat & care for her properly with feeding her & doing her litter tray. I'm too scared to let her outside though.

I just don't know.

Having my DD nearly ruined me. PND was savage and it took everything I had to get over it (& meds obviously).

But I'm such a stronger person mentally for the experience. And for the experience of parenting. It's like a strange side affect of the whole process.

So I think it needs to be considered and you need to ensure you've got the relevant support, but no I don't think it should be a complete blocker if you do wish to have children.

PND aside, the biggest challenge for me from a MH perspective has been learning to cope with the lack of headspace and alone time. I find ways to cope with that and things are infinitely better

I can only answer for me, but having a child has meant the horrid empty lost feeling and the depression has gone (or pretty much gone). I don’t feel suicidal.

However, my anxiety is worse and I do feel more frustrated / stressed - mostly at the lack of time. However I’ve a toddler, no family help, OH stupid working hours, and he’s only just started, sometimes, sleeping through.

Overall I don’t think my mental health is any worse.

I’m sure there are plenty of people who have never suffered from mental health issues but do after kids and vice versa.

Watching this with interest - I've wondered whether my MH is strong enough to cope with kids but thought maybe I was overreacting. Part of me wonders if having kids could be better in that the practicalities of having to feed and clothe a child force you to get out of your own head a bit, but then the thought of constant worry and having to accept that they're their own person and there are things you can't control seems difficult.