Mental health and parenting

[HungryHiker]

So many posters share how tough, relentless and hard work parenting is. I've had an up/down time after a traumatic childhood and I genuinely don't think I'd cope with the stress, sacrifice and lack of sleep.

AIBU to think you need to be mentally very strong, resillient and positive to be a good parent, and to enjoy parenting?

I don't think mental health issues = no children. Most people with mental health issues make incredible parents, no differently to parents without. However for all parents it is so important to know your limits. So many times on here I see posts from parents who were struggling with one child but had another because they didn't want their child to be an only child and now can't cope with two or more children. Far better in my IMO to accept that you have reached your personal limit of ability to parent and plan your family size accordingly. I had to do that myself due to PND after DS. I realised I just about managed PND and a newborn, no way would I manage PND, a toddler and a newborn so I stuck with one.

I have had mental health difficulties since I was 13 and probably into my childhood. This has been a mixture of anxiety, depression, complex PTSD and most recently birth trauma and PND. I am now in my 30s. I take antidepressants and have done on and off for years and my issues are (largely) controlled so I have a fairly functional life and a reasonable level of resilience at present. I also have friends who are parents with mental health problems and people who are parents without mental health problems.

I try to think of mental health and physical health as a spectrum along which we are more or less well at any given time. At the moment I would describe myself as well. But I'm also very aware of the limitations of my resilience and the difference for me over another parent would probably be that I know that I need self care and I know when my limits have been reached. I think I also have fairly realistic expectations and try not to put pressure on myself. In some ways that probably makes parenting easier for me because I don't think I will ever be the type of "helicopter" parent who expects me or my DS to be "the best".

My experience is probably different from someone with different conditions which are less well controlled with medication or lifestyle choices (for example I maximise my exercise and limit alcohol because those things influence my depressive episodes). I can't make any broad statements that parenting will always be ok because maybe someone with severe psychosis might not cope for example! But I don't see the point of ruling yourself out of being a parent just because of mental health. If you flip it around, someone who has experienced anxiety, depression and trauma might be uniquely equipped to guide a child through their developing emotions? Or maybe the experience of parenthood could offer new meaning in your own life and help with some of your difficulties? Ultimately no one is a perfect parent or should try to be, we are all a product of our own upbringing but parenting is at many points a complete joy that you deserve to experience if you want to

@darkriver19886 I am so sorry that you lost your children, how awful

It depends very much on what your MH issue and how you deal with it. I suffer from depression, OCD and anxiety and I believe that learning how to manage these conditions has made me a stronger, more empathetic and less selfish person.
I am a better parent having suffered MH because I am better able to empathise when my DD is upset and anxious and have the tools to be able to listen to her and help her manage her feelings.

Thank you everyone for the kindness.
I now make myself unpopular on the support groups for my condition by saying to people if your still deal with trauma then don't have children yet. People don't like it but, I am speaking from experience.

I believe the support is key. I was married when I became pregnant with my eldest. He then left and I was on my own with two children with one person for support. My children are better for being adopted and it gives me a chance to work on my past and mental health.

I think it depends on the person.

My dad has had clinical depression since being sexually abused as a teenager. My mum shielded me from his numerous suicide attempts and sectioning. My dad was not well enough to be a dad. He spiralled when I turned 12 and believed he would abuse me, like he was abused. I lived with him when my parents split up (12) and he put his shit on me and turned me into his counsellor. He then abandoned me and caused me immense grief because he couldnt cope with being a dad to me. His guilt over his actions (like ringing me numerous times and telling me he was going to drive his lorry off the road when working) led to him not being able to look after me and I ended up with a drug problem and in foster care.

However, I've had diagnosed OCD, depression and anxiety over the 13 years of being a parent. Each time I've sorted myself out because I'm resilient, have a great support network of grandparents and friends and know how to self-care in a healthy way. My DC have not been harmed because of my challenges but my dad permanently harmed me with his. Mental health illness is an inherently selfish illness unlike arthritis, but the person with the illness can't help that. I had to be selfish to sort my head out, my lovely DC were supported by my network and didn't realise the extent of my upset because they were young and supported.

I have borderline personality disorder and complex trauma as a result if childhood abuse but really want to be a mother one day. I've worked hard over the past two years doing Schema therapy and mindfulness to strengthen my coping skills and develop resilience but know it'll still be a challenge being sleep deprived with a crying baby and feeling utterly useless.

I think having an awareness of your triggers and working hard on your coping mechanisms is an important part of parenting and people with mental health issues generally have more experience with this.
I would advise getting professional therapy and put on any medication you need to help manage your mental health but also know that if you are anything like me you will never harm your children the way you were harmed. I love kids. I work with challenging kids fulltime and am so soft and gentle with them. I also volunteer with childline twice a week... I guess by helping other children I am saving my vulnerable inner child over and over again. X

NC for this comment.

After the birth of ds. I ended up sectioned due to severe mental health issues. Ds came with me to the mum and baby unit. It does not effect me anymore but at the height of it I actually left my family for 3 months. All is good now though.

I have gone from a traumatic and abusive childhood, to a emotionally and financially abusive relationship which eventually became violent as well. I have a history of extreme depression with attempted suicide - have been diagnosed as “manic depressive”. Anxiety at varying degrees, insomnia that has sometimes led to auditory hallucinations. I have two beautiful toddlers and wouldn’t give them up for the world.

I lost my third child this year and felt the worst parts of those conditions rearing their heads again and it terrified me, but I am making it through.

I want nothing more than to give my DC the best I can offer and not the shit-show that was my upbringing.

I didn’t go to CBT and the medication for depression (well various that they tried me on over the years) never worked well for me so I started trying to manage it from within. I know better than anybody else what my mental state is and how to manage it effectively when I feel a bad period approaching. I have mainly the support of my DH (who also has his history of MH issues) and we have weathered many a storm since becoming parents. We remain honest with each other, with our DC (because we know they understand more than others may give them credit for) and we all keep each other going.

Everybody who meets the twins (who doesn’t know them well) comments on how happy and relaxed they are and that they are so clearly loved and every time I hear it I have to stop myself from bawling out a thank you at them.

MH issues are not character flaws, if you can manage them and understand them as best you can and you make concerted efforts to not let them become a crutch (as it sounds as though you have) then you can do it

I learnt how to manage my life with mine and then when my twins (and boy was it a shock when I found out it was twins!!) joined us I continued to adapt my coping techniques to give them the happiest life I can. I think a PP used the best word to sum it up, it’s about resilience for your sake and for any future DC

I don't like to talk about it because it's embarrassing and all the stigma.

I have bipolar and developed postnatal psychosis after my son was born. Resources were paper-thin in a supposedly well-resourced London borough and it took an intervention for my husband to drag me to a and e when he was a year old. Even then I was offeted a psychiatric appointment with 6 week wait - they only agreed to see me earlier when I rang and said I was about to walk into the traffic.

I now live in Scotland. I have a multidisciplinary team who assess me monthly as a matter of course but who I can ring at any time and be seen that day. The difference is massive. They spot things neither my husband nor I did, and get them under control quickly.

I hope we have done well by our son in regards to it. He's 3 now, and we've told him in an age appropriate way that my heart and head hurt sometimes, so I go to the doctor to help me feel better again. We try and work to the 'rupture and repair' idea of, if he sees me cry or being scared so that he feels scared too, we talk about his feelings with him, empathise and reassure him.

We considered having another child and I would love one in the parallel universe where I didn't have this illness. As it is, I feel grateful to have survived and for the resources to keep getting better as a person and a parent. Only you can make the decision but I'd say as others have that a rock solid support network is key, and remember your circumstances are your own - don't get caught up in what others think your family should look like.

AIBU to think you need to be mentally very strong, resillient and positive to be a good parent, and to enjoy parenting?

I agree