Mental health and parenting

[HungryHiker]

So many posters share how tough, relentless and hard work parenting is. I've had an up/down time after a traumatic childhood and I genuinely don't think I'd cope with the stress, sacrifice and lack of sleep.

AIBU to think you need to be mentally very strong, resillient and positive to be a good parent, and to enjoy parenting?

For me it put a lot of things in perspective. I feel happier because now nothing else matters than her, DH, the car and the basic needs in life eg security
I feel happier with less
I used to worry about absolutely everything and was a perfectionist but having a DC means I just haven’t got time for that anymore
“No one died” is my go to answer for most things now. Eg “you offended someone”. I just can’t be bothered with the petty stuff that used to get me down.
Having kids zaps brain cells so I’m like “who cares” about so much more stuff now which is liberating

myleftarm for you too.

The CAT not the bloody CAR!!

I have bipolar. It’s doesnt make me an abusive cunt, that shit runs in your personality not your mental health. I don’t normally say this but how bloody offensive!
Yeah my kids know more about mental health problems than most others but they never go without anything (within reason! Ha) and they are loved and they’re my best friends we have no different of a family life to anyone else, except when mummy’s feeling poorly it means jump in the big bed for. a movie, same as any other disabled parent who had their off days. If anything I’m more placid because of the drugs I take, they don’t get shouted anywhere near as much as my neighbours kids!

I have emotionally unstable personality disorder and bipolar. I was very low after the birth of both my children and ended up in a mother and baby unit three times.
Last year I became unwell again and have been in hospital since October, I wasn’t even allowed to see my children at Christmas. Luckily I have a VERY supportive DH with a flexible employer, good PILs and good friends. I can’t see how I would manage without those two things. Social services have been alerted so I think if I didn’t have such a good DH and extended family then it’s possible my children wouldn’t be allowed to stay with me . I’m currently in a psychiatric intensive care unit, DH has used various holiday clubs and taken time off work to be with our DC over the 6 week holidays (both are now School age).

And depending on the condition and severity, with all the good intentions in the world if there’s no other support around, it’s very easy for the parent to turn to the child

This x100.
I won't gain popularity points for saying this, and tbh I don't mind. But I don't think anybody with significant MH issues should conceive unless they have a very supportive DP & family network, that can be relied on for the entirety if needs arise.

DC just do not have the emotional maturity to deal with extreme emotion they can't understand. Seeing your parent in the middle of a MH episode is terrifying, and feels hopeless. And "shielding them" makes it worse, because DC are left wondering what they did wrong to make their mum cry or shout, or hide.
People convince themselves "they don't understand, so they're okay" and it's simply not true.

And the parent/carer dynamic often gets reversed. I felt a real duty to care for my DM as a child. She would tell me that it made her feel better to get a cuddle and to have her hair stroked and I did it, she would fall asleep. Then I'd put myself to bed knowing I'd done a good job of making her feel better. It's no way to live.

myleftarm agreed. I’m just sorry we had share such similar experiences.

My Christmas mornings always seemed so good as a child, making bacon sandwiches for me and assorted dogs, opening my presents and going out for a ride just before it got light. It only struck me as an adult how abnormal it was that it never featured my mum and rarely my dad, bar a few occasions he joined in the sandwiches.

I remember having a nasty fall from my pony aged about 10, and the last thing I remember before being knocked out cold was hoping that it wouldn’t be so bad she needed to know because I knew how it would go. Rather than any concern about the fact I knew mid flight I was going to hit a parked car at speed. Instead I ended up with concussion, broken ribs and arm and various stitches, reassuring her I was ok and loved her and having to go in and wait on her and discuss her symptoms because my selfish behaviour had worsened her depression.

Not to mention every bad morning, or times she didn’t want me to go out and leave her alone the threats my pony, dog and other pets would be given away to children that deserved them when I came back because if I couldn’t care for my own mother when she needed me I couldn’t be trusted with pets.

My first term at university it was an absolute novelty to enjoy the idea of going home to typical digs, after a lifetime of dreading returning to a beautiful home.

the threats my pony, dog and other pets would be given away to children that deserved them when I came back because if I couldn’t care for my own mother when she needed me I couldn’t be trusted with pets

I had that, if I didn't feed the dog or said I was doing work so can't take her a walk, the answer was "She will have to go, I am too ill to take her out, you should understand - she is better to go somewhere where people can care for her".
It was a childhood of guilt, sadness and instability.

My first term at university it was an absolute novelty to enjoy the idea of going home to typical digs, after a lifetime of dreading returning to a beautiful home.

I couldn't face the idea of another 2yrs to to leave, I was ill and already on anti-depressants and beta blockers trying to cope alone with mentally unwell DM. Ended up meeting XH, he was 30 at the time but he had his own place, and it was quiet. I'd moved out before sitting my GCSEs. I don't even think I loved him but I wanted someone to take me away.

I realise my views are largely tainted by bitter experience of being raised by someone with MH issues and little supprt.

But the adage "don't have children until you're in a position to support them" is true. It doesn't just mean financially, or keeping a clean & tidy home.
You have to be able to parent them consistently, and be strong enough to give them the support they deserve.
Seeing the person you rely on the most rendered undependable (even through no fault of their own) is unnerving to a child.
Hiding away every few days saying "Mummy's head just isn't very good at the moment" is little comfort to a child who thinks in simplistic terms. It makes you feel vulnerable.
Living like that becomes your normal, and can really damage you. I've been NC with my DM for 10yrs now, it was just too great a burden to cope with, after 20yrs I knew she was never going to get any better. Having 3 DC of my own. I want to shield them from the experiences I had which shaped my life and effectively broke my DSis & DB.

You have to be able to parent them consistently, and be strong enough to give them the support they deserve.

I agree. My DM has BPD and bouts of depression, my childhood was a living nightmare.

I had a suicide attempt aged 15 and diagnosed with c-PTSD, Anxiety and agoraphobia in my 20s.

I'm now in a great place after CBT and working bloody hard to get better. I don't take any meds, I hold down two volunteer jobs (mental health related) and have hobbies - but I worry having children would be a selfish thing to do.

I have zero family, except a wonderful DH. I have a few close friends. No extended 'support network' as such though. I can have bad days when I feel overwhelmed, and I still find it hard to let myself feel joy and happiness. I will always struggle to nurture my self esteem.

For me personally, having a poor past with mental health is a reason to not have DC. :(

I agree with some of the comments on this thread. I wish I had gotten help before I got seriously ill and lost everything. I was a good mum but my mental health deteriorated because I hadn't dealt with the issues before becoming a mum. I had little support and my girl's father was abusive.

The problem is, of course, that mental health services are lacking and don't exist for the long term mentally ill. You have to reach crippling stage before you get help. I begged for help for months before someone even agreed to come and see me.

As it is my children have been adopted and I am now paying weekly for therapy. I acknowledge though that I should have done it much sooner but, it wasnt until two years ago until it all flood out.

I am never going to be cured of my mental health but, one day I will be stable.

Mental ill Heath is definitely a risk factor for unstable parenting/child protection concerns. Particularly when there is also domestic violence and drug issues (called the toxic trio). I'd say a solid proportion of the CP cases we deal with in school feature a parent with a serious mental health illness. But, that definitely doesn't mean every parent with poor mental health is a bad parent by any stretch of the imagination.

I think the children who suffer are the ones whose parents don't realise or accept they have mental health problems so don't seek treatment.

Many people have mental health problems, take medication and have support from mental health teams, and raise happy resilient kids.

Nowadays there is less stigma to mental health problems so more people seek support. In my parents day (according to my mum) women feared admitting PND symptoms as they thought their babies would be taken away! And if they did mention it they were often dismissed as baby blues! Families feared their loved ones would be 'labelled' or institutionalised for mental health issues so the family would often shield the person from doctors.

If we rephrased this question as “people with MS/rheumatoid arthritis/Sjogren’s/thyroid shouldn’t have kids”, there would be a riot of comments.

Agree with this. I have a dissociative disorder, and having kids actually focussed me more on getting help with it. Before, my mental health only affected me (and I guess my husband, but I figured it was his choice to stay with me!), but once I had a family, my mental health was no longer only my problem. I see a psychotherapist, and have never been more stable.

I don't think it's fair to make a sweeping umbrella statement like "people with mental health issues shouldn't have kids". What about people who have kids and theb develop mental health issues? It can happen to anyone.

Some people with poor mental health make poor parents.

Some people of sound mental health make poor parents.

Some people with poor mental health make fantastic parents.

Some people of sound mental health make fantastic parents.

My own mother suffered terribly with anxiety but was and is a fantastically loving, supportive, rational parent. I have had struggles with anxiety in the past as well, although I think this is a symptom of my pcos as it fluctuates with my hormones, was at its worst in my teens, and almost completely disappeared when I came off hormonal contraceptives but that's another story. I'm currently pregnant and while I'm aware of the risk of pnd and the possibility of my anxiety resurfacing I am also fairly confident that I will be a good mother.

I think the severity of your mental health plays a part in this decision process, and you should absolutely try to be in the best physical and mental shape as you can before commiting to having children and have a solid support network around you, but ultimately, if you believe you can love, care, support, meet the needs of and raise potential children, then you absolutely shouldn't rule out the possibility based on your current illness. People with all sorts of illnesses and disabilities and backgrounds have the potential to make great parents.

I agree with the poster above, I believe it's all about our own ability to look at ourselves honestly. And this is true for our physical, mental or emotional limitations. We are all flawed OP, but we all have the potential for self-love and compassion, and the ability to pass that onto our children if we have them. I wish you the best of luck with accessing your own joy and self-love.

@darkriver19886 I just saw your post. Thank you for your honesty. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to lose your children. I hope you reach the stability you hope for.

The problem is, of course, that mental health services are lacking and don't exist for the long term mentally ill. You have to reach crippling stage before you get help. I begged for help for months before someone even agreed to come and see me

I agree that community mental health services are lacking, it's a long road from seeing your GP to getting a MH assessment and therapy. But GPs can treat illnesses like depression and anxiety with SSRIs and a variety of other meds, and refer you to a psychiatrist or even a psychiatric ward if they feel your illness is severe. Eg if somebody told the GP they have stockpiled medications and plan to overdose, or presented as floridly psychotic or manic and unable to keep themselves safe, the GP can admit them straight to hospital (or a 136 suite if no psychiatric beds are available).

IME acute mental health services are excellent in the U.K., but the community services struggle with a huge workload and understaffing.

There is long term support for people with long term mental illness; some stay on acute wards for over a year until well enough to return home, others go to supported housing or mental health rehab.

For people with EUPD (a significant proportion of admissions to acute have EUPD) a long hospital stay is thought to make their symptoms worse, so they get offered group therapy in the community and 1:1 meetings with a specialist mental health nurse as well as a community psychiatrist.

I haven't read the full thread but I agree with some of the posts I've seen about not letting it affect your children.

I was diagnosed with pnd and anxiety after the birth of dd and although some days are a struggle, I always try to do what's best by her. I've had counselling and I'm still on medication, currently pregnant with dc 2 and have support in place with both professionals and family so that things are manageable.

But, I like to think I've done well. Dd is a happy, well adjusted child. She's so very loved, by both me and her family and on the (very rare) very bad days, my oh steps up completely. She attends nursery, spends time with Dgp's and has a loving, and most importantly stable home. As long as we continue to provide this then I don't see what more we could give her, mental illness or not.

The problem is, of course, that mental health services are lacking and don't exist for the long term mentally ill. You have to reach crippling stage before you get help

This. I was fine until I had children. I had postpartum psychosis with my first having having had flashbacks to being raped on the operating table and was then diagnosed with ptsd, pnd and gad as well. I've had very little help from the NHS. Nearly 5 years later I'm still seeing a psychiatrist but because they keep switching them about there is no continuity and no trust.

I believe it's all about our own ability to look at ourselves honestly. And this is true for our physical, mental or emotional limitations.

I think the above sums it up really. Whatever the limitation, a parent needs to be realistic and do their best to ensure that their DC are OK. E.g., if you have arthritis, you'd think about what to do when you have a bad flare-up and can't physically care for your DC; same if you're subject to depression - what will happen if you can't get out of bed?If you have a good support network, your DC will be OK, but that requires admitting to the limitations, not hiding them.

As a PP said, mental health should be discussed in the same way as physical health, not swept under the carpet. Reading this thread, I think I was shielded from my Dad's problems because he wasn't facing them and just collapsed periodically leaving everything to my Mum. If he'd been honest and they'd discussed things, it would've been so much better.

My DM has had depression all her life but would not acknowledge it or seek help for it. She was a single parent to 3 of us. It has had a profound impact on our health as adults. She has no idea that her mental health has had this devastating knock on effect. Self awareness is key.

My cousin has serious mental health issues (bipolar), and there is no doubt that this has an impact on his ability to parent. He has two young DDs, and there have been times when he was not safe to be alone with them

Less serious mental health issues are different. I know at least two people with depression who I would describe as excellent parents.

I strongly agree that parenting is more about character than mental health, I have the exact same mental health issues as my Mum. My childhood wasn't great, she was an alcoholic and I often went without food so she could drink, I was in and out of foster care and put in a vulnerable position which led to abuse. My child however is nurtured, never once gone without or been mistreated, he goes to the zoo every week and has a climbing frame in the back garden, he is read to every night, we do puzzles, sit and draw, visit garden centres and go on lovely holidays, I give him the best life I possibly can because he comes first. I only recently got medication that has helped my mental health but my son wouldn't know the difference. My character has defined my parenting not my mental health.

myleftarm that’s all so familiar. I stayed because I couldn’t & wouldn’t leave the pony, and was fully aware that I couldn’t afford the keep on a commercial yard. I genuinely believe that it was only the pets that saved me from cracking completely. They provided emotional stability and temporary escape. Also stayed for the mercenary reason that I apparently only inherited something left to me by a relative if I did a-levels and uni. Incidentally a lie. I can fully understand why you took the escape offered.

Although unpleasant as home was by 15 I’d developed a fuck you and your illness mentality and slept at friends 90% of the time, and spent days at home outside.

Generally speaking I don’t think it’s about awareness or realisation. My mother was incredibly aware of her mental illness, and there are things that even now I can only cope when I accidentally remember by pretending it’s a sad story about some other poor child. It’s about awareness of how your illness shouldn’t be your child’s problem.

I also think it’s unfair to say that character and personality are always the deciding factor. Certainly, it could be applicable to countless parents sharing the same illness and severity as my mother, that nevertheless would never dream of inflicting it on their dc, and are perfectly good parents.

But that’s dismissive of parents that are simply too ill and/or lack support. Single parents have dc removed for the likes of pnd at a level when a mother with a partner or a support network wouldn’t even hit the radar for a referral. Obviously that’s the correct thing to do for the baby, but it isn’t fair to suggest they lack the character of a supported mother with pnd in the same predicament.

I also believe that to an extent it can be compared to physical health. If you decide to have a child knowing full well that a few years down the line you’ll need that preschool child to start physically supporting you and by 7/8 you’ll be entirely physically dependent on them, then yes, I’d say it’s selfish.

The comparison between the two would be a parent in a wheelchair saying ‘I can’t help you learn to ride a bike without stabilisers, but x will later, and meantime shall we go to the playground? And once you are less wobbly I can take you out to practice’

As opposed to ‘I’m disabled so you can’t learn to ride a bike ever. Stop crying, I’m the one in the wheelchair, don’t you understand how much pain I’m in? It’s not my fault do you think I want to be like this? Make dinner and do the cleaning, I can’t’