To not let DS give away gift from his dad.

[LightningStrikesThrice]

Have come to the wisdom of mumsnet for some answers.

DS 15. Hes not seen his dad since he was 7. Me and XP disagree on the reasons for this but it went through court and ex was granted indirect contact. Hes chosen not to take that up until last year.

It was DS birthday last month and last week XP sent up a birthday present with his mum. (DS has regular contact with her).

DS does not want the present (computer game) however his friend has been saving up for it. DS wants to give the present to his friend.

I've said he can't but can't really articulate a reason why other than it was from his dad.

DS says I'm being unreasonable. The gift was given to him so it should be up to him to do what he wants with it. If hed played it and completed it or played it and hated it I would have no issue him giving it to a friend (hes done this before - they all swap games between themselves happily) and he doesn't see why the fact that it's from his dad who he doesn't see should make a difference.

AIBU?

Dunno if it’s been said before on the thread but a gift is not a gift if it comes with strings attached

You don't have to argue with him about DS. You don't have to reply to his messages.

You and your son need no contact with an abusive man. There is no benefit to having an abusive parent!

Bloody hell I'd be helping the kid tie a bow on it.

Your son sounds like a caring boy, id be proud of him that he hasn't just thrown the game in the bin, he wants to give it to a friend who wants it, that's mature of him

After your update it's no wonder he doesn't want anything to do with his dad, he hasn't exactly made the effort has he?

I hope your son has counselling or someone he can talk to and I also think it would do you some good

Be proud of your son Op and let him know whatever he does with the game you support him

What are you doing, seriously stop and think about this. You are encouraging your child to keep a gift from a man who is abusive and has made very little attempt to keep regular contact with your child.
By encouraging this relationship sooner or later they will start to meet and your child will be in the hands of an abusive lying bully.
If he asks (not sure why on earth you are allowing him to contact you, all contact must go through a third party-give your head a wobble as that needs changing) then tell him son didn't want the game and gave it to a friend. Let him be as mad as he likes, let him disappear again, what a super result that would be. Damaging your son is letting this man into his life not keeping him out.
You need to get back to see your therapist as soon as possible as this mans hold over you is allowing you to act in a way which will endanger your son by allowing this man to worm his way into his life via you.

Op if he kicks off what happens? Nothing. DS is 15, and there's a court order. If DS doesn't want contact there's nothing he can do. You don't even have to entertain his 'kicking off' or emails or texts or whatever. He doesn't have a hold over you unless you let him.

Op, you should be proud of your son. He's taken a "gift" from someone who has never been there for him, and is now giving it to someone who has (his friend). I add my voice to the chorus here saying that it's obvious that you shouldn't pressure your son to keep any ties (gifts or otherwise) with his abuser. Nor should you. Please apologize to your son, go back to therapy, and offer counseling to him should he want it. Do not communicate with your son's abuser outside of what the court has ordered, and only then via a third party. You're still in a very unhealthy place regarding your ex.

I have an absent father and there is no way at 15 I would have accepted a gift from him. Still wouldn't - if he leaves me anything in his will (I doubt that he will) it's going to charity. I can totally understand how your son feels- as an adult it is still very difficult for me. I don't think you're unreasonable in your intentions it's just a difficult and emotional situation.