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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let DS give away gift from his dad.

83 replies

LightningStrikesThrice · 01/09/2019 14:29

Have come to the wisdom of mumsnet for some answers.

DS 15. Hes not seen his dad since he was 7. Me and XP disagree on the reasons for this but it went through court and ex was granted indirect contact. Hes chosen not to take that up until last year.

It was DS birthday last month and last week XP sent up a birthday present with his mum. (DS has regular contact with her).

DS does not want the present (computer game) however his friend has been saving up for it. DS wants to give the present to his friend.

I've said he can't but can't really articulate a reason why other than it was from his dad.

DS says I'm being unreasonable. The gift was given to him so it should be up to him to do what he wants with it. If hed played it and completed it or played it and hated it I would have no issue him giving it to a friend (hes done this before - they all swap games between themselves happily) and he doesn't see why the fact that it's from his dad who he doesn't see should make a difference.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 01/09/2019 15:09

I’m struggling to understand here.

The fact your ex was granted indirect access speaks volumes so I’m guessing he abused your son in some way.

If so, so what if he kicks off?

I’m having trouble understanding your side and I suspect there’s a massive backstory, but based on what’s been posted I’d have to say YABU.

Jimdandy · 01/09/2019 15:10

YABU. It’s his gift, though he should sell it not give it away

AmIThough · 01/09/2019 15:12

He's got a very valid point and it's a nice thing to do if his friend would really like it. Let him give it away.

Durgasarrow · 01/09/2019 15:13

If your son wanted to take that game and flush it down the toilet because it reminded him of his father, he would be justified. He has no use for that game. He has no use for that man. That man can't get those eight years back. Your son might never speak to him. Might never go to his funeral. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. He doesn't need a relationship with that man, who has not been a father to him. He can go on and live a good life without that man.

WhyBirdStop · 01/09/2019 15:14

YABU why are you trying to spare the feelings of a man who rejected his own child for 8 years! Your child, who you should prioritise above all else, your son actually sounds very kind and mature, he doesn't want to smash it up he wants to give it to his friend who would enjoy it. It has no sentimental attachment to it to him because his father hasn't bothered with him for most of his childhood, a computer game doesn't change that. If DS still doesn't want to see him it's likely the gifts will stop again as your ex only gives them with conditions. YABVVU.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/09/2019 15:14

Yabu you're son is 100% right

DidYeAyee · 01/09/2019 15:15

It doesn't sound like your son wants contact at all - even indirect. From what you've said, he wouldn't have opened it at all had he not been able to see into the bag.

At 15 he is old enough to make his own mind up on this one.

I'd let him give it to his friend.

HellonHeels · 01/09/2019 15:19

I had a similarly difficult relationship with my father. I hated gifts from him, not because they were from him per se, but because every time i saw them they pulled out some horrible emotions around being abandoned, unwanted etc. I didn't want any gifts, i wanted him to love me and not have abandoned me.

Let your DS do what he wants and fgs try to understand and let him talk about his feelings and reasons. Don't tell him his feelings and instincts are wrong, that is damaging.

dollydaydream114 · 01/09/2019 15:22

YABVVVU.

What hold does your ex have over you, OP? He wasn’t granted direct access to his son, which only happens generally if the father has been abusive or dangerous. He hasn’t bothered to contact your son for years, which was his choice. Now he is sending gifts, your son very understandably doesn’t want them because he has zero relationship with this man who was deemed unsafe to have direct contact. And you are worried about offending this man and are encouraging his attempts at contact? Really? Why? You sound like you’ve been brainwashed by this man.

Your son is 15 years old and will gain absolutely nothing from keeping this gift he doesn’t want. He is old enough to know how he feels about his father and you should absolutely not be pressuring him into feeling differently. Let him give the game to his friend FFS. What else do you expect him to do with it? Frame it in a box frame and hang it on the wall forever?

Vulpine · 01/09/2019 15:23

Its your son's to do what he wishes with.

Gingerkittykat · 01/09/2019 15:25

It's what the gift symbolises that your DS doesn't want. Don't you look at things that have been gifts and think of the person who gifted them?

I would suggest selling it but he might also not want the money he sees as coming from his dad. Sending it back could be an option.

Let him do what he wants with the game.

Original poster

LightningStrikesThrice · 01/09/2019 15:34

Sorry lots of responses but its clear IABU! I shall tell DS hes right and to give it to friend. Friend would absolutely give it back if DS wanted it anyway.

He doesn't have to know DS has given it away but it's likely he will either message me or his mum will asking if DS likes the present.

XP doesn't agree that DS is valid in not wanting anything to do with him. And so there has been lots of back and forth between him and me and him and my wider family about respecting DS wish not to see him. It's very conflicted and I do not cope with him well because he makes me question everything just because of the history between us. Its something I've been working on but it was a lot easier when there was no contact between us!

OP posts:

MamaBee3 · 01/09/2019 15:37

I would let your DS do as he wishes with the game, he’s quite right it was given to him so his choice. How’s your XP going to know he’s regifted it anyway?

elvis86 · 01/09/2019 15:38

I'm confused - has his dad abandoned him aged 8 and recently reappeared, or did your son decide at age 8 that he didn't want to see his dad any more?

BrokenWing · 01/09/2019 15:43

Your son is 15 and it is his choice what to do with the gift and deal with the consequences.

I would encourage him the right thing to do, if he doesn't want the gift due to wanting no contact with his dad, is to return the gift and card unopened. If he feels like it he can also send a message saying at this time he does not want contact.

Original poster

LightningStrikesThrice · 01/09/2019 15:52

elvis XP was abusive to me and to DS (XP disagrees with this). We split prior to DS being born but DS witnessed abuse at handovers. It was moved to third party handovers (school) for my safety but DS started to refuse to go and school recommended I didnt let him go due to the distress he was showing. XP then kicked a chair at the headteacher and was banned from school. XP took it to court and after CAFCASS involvement it was recommended he have supported contact initially due to his behaviour with DS. He refused to do that as he says that's only for paedophiles and people who are dangerous. CAFCASS therefore recommended indirect contact only which XP also hasn't done. The first two years he sent birthday and xmas presents and then nothing until last year.

OP posts:

elvis86 · 01/09/2019 15:56

elvis XP was abusive to me and to DS (XP disagrees with this). We split prior to DS being born but DS witnessed abuse at handovers. It was moved to third party handovers (school) for my safety but DS started to refuse to go and school recommended I didnt let him go due to the distress he was showing. XP then kicked a chair at the headteacher and was banned from school. XP took it to court and after CAFCASS involvement it was recommended he have supported contact initially due to his behaviour with DS. He refused to do that as he says that's only for paedophiles and people who are dangerous. CAFCASS therefore recommended indirect contact only which XP also hasn't done. The first two years he sent birthday and xmas presents and then nothing until last year.

And you and members of your family are pressuring your son to accept gifts from his father and to reconnect..?

I actually can't believe this.

BertrandRussell · 01/09/2019 16:02

I’m surprised he doesn’t want to burn the game to be honest. Help him get it out of the house as quickly as possible. Ask him if he wants the card- if not, then bin it.

Original poster

LightningStrikesThrice · 01/09/2019 16:03

No we arent pressuring him to see him at all. I've spent the last 9 months arguing with XP that DS has every right to feel the way he does and that if indeed XP has changed he needs to show DS and to take it at DSs speed. Hence the writing and gift giving.

I suppose I just feel that if someone else had given DS the game he wouldnt toss it aside the way he is doing. I worry that his anger is unhealthy for him and that it covers an actual want to know his dad. But if he spurns his dad too much XP is likely to just disappear off again.

That would be great news for me but then I worry that because that's what I want deep down I am doing DS a disservice by not encouraging him to think differently about his dad

I think i might need to take myself back off to my counsellor. XP makes me second guess everything even my second guesses!

OP posts:

Catbrat · 01/09/2019 16:06

No wonder he doesn't want the bloody gift, I wouldn't want anything off him either, let him give it to his friend, atleast someone will get some use out of it rather than it ending up in the bin (which your son would have been more than entitled to do too)
Making him keep the present will just enforce that people can treat him (and you) like shit but its all good it they buy you something nice afterwards.
If your ex doesnt like it then tough, he needs to do a lot more to prove himself as a decent dad to your son than give a present!

Merryoldgoat · 01/09/2019 16:07

Ffs. Your son is 15. He wants nothing to do with his abusive father.

Support him and stop being scared of this awful man.

dollydaydream114 · 01/09/2019 16:07

XP was abusive to me and to DS (XP disagrees with this). We split prior to DS being born but DS witnessed abuse at handovers. It was moved to third party handovers (school) for my safety but DS started to refuse to go and school recommended I didnt let him go due to the distress he was showing. XP then kicked a chair at the headteacher and was banned from school. XP took it to court and after CAFCASS involvement it was recommended he have supported contact initially due to his behaviour with DS. He refused to do that as he says that's only for paedophiles and people who are dangerous. CAFCASS therefore recommended indirect contact only which XP also hasn't done. The first two years he sent birthday and xmas presents and then nothing until last year

Then you should absolutely not be pressurising your son into accepting gifts from him. If I was your son, I’d want to run a mile from this appalling man.

I don’t even understand how he’s allowed to be in contact even with you, frankly. You are clearly still terrified of him.

BertrandRussell · 01/09/2019 16:07

I think his anger sounds entirely healthy.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 01/09/2019 16:09

YABU. It's his gift and he's old enough to decide what he wants to do.

Merryoldgoat · 01/09/2019 16:10

Tell him to go back to court if he’s not happy but you’re no longer engaging.

You don’t need to have contact with him.

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