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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let DS give away gift from his dad.

83 replies

LightningStrikesThrice · 01/09/2019 14:29

Have come to the wisdom of mumsnet for some answers.

DS 15. Hes not seen his dad since he was 7. Me and XP disagree on the reasons for this but it went through court and ex was granted indirect contact. Hes chosen not to take that up until last year.

It was DS birthday last month and last week XP sent up a birthday present with his mum. (DS has regular contact with her).

DS does not want the present (computer game) however his friend has been saving up for it. DS wants to give the present to his friend.

I've said he can't but can't really articulate a reason why other than it was from his dad.

DS says I'm being unreasonable. The gift was given to him so it should be up to him to do what he wants with it. If hed played it and completed it or played it and hated it I would have no issue him giving it to a friend (hes done this before - they all swap games between themselves happily) and he doesn't see why the fact that it's from his dad who he doesn't see should make a difference.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 01/09/2019 16:11

I don’t understand why you personally are having any contact with this man , all contact should be going through a third party that you are all a happy with . That said at 15 , if your son wants nothing to do with him can’t you just go back to court and say that .

Ravingstarfish · 01/09/2019 16:11

just feel that if someone else had given DS the game he wouldnt toss it aside the way he is doing

Because if anyone else had bought him a game they’d have asked what game he wanted. Your son is old enough to decide what to do with regards to seeing his dad and to be honest id tell him ds doesn’t want to know and ignore any fallout

elvis86 · 01/09/2019 16:13

No we arent pressuring him to see him at all. I've spent the last 9 months arguing with XP that DS has every right to feel the way he does and that if indeed XP has changed he needs to show DS and to take it at DSs speed. Hence the writing and gift giving.

I suppose I just feel that if someone else had given DS the game he wouldnt toss it aside the way he is doing. I worry that his anger is unhealthy for him and that it covers an actual want to know his dad. But if he spurns his dad too much XP is likely to just disappear off again.

That would be great news for me but then I worry that because that's what I want deep down I am doing DS a disservice by not encouraging him to think differently about his dad

I think i might need to take myself back off to my counsellor. XP makes me second guess everything even my second guesses!

It sounds like your ex still has a hold on you. And you're implicitly encouraging your son to reconnect with his dad now "whilst he has the chance" - like it's an opportunity he can't afford to miss, because his dad's such a top guy.

Why on earth have you been in correspondence with him at all?! I'd have ignored him when he first contacted you, or told him to fuck off and go via lawyers / courts. You shouldn't have to have anything to do with him after your history.

Your son is missing out on nothing but pain by not having that bastard in his life.

SomebodysPerson · 01/09/2019 16:14

I actually think it shows a lot about your sons character that 1) he won't be bought and 2) he knows the gift would mean a lot to his friend.

You've raised a crackin' young man, don't think twice about encouraging this.

MamaBee3 · 01/09/2019 16:17

Does DS see a councillor or have someone impartial he could talk to?

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 01/09/2019 16:18

YABVU.

Let him give the game to his friend, and then when his father asks if he likes the game, be honest. Say he's given it away because he wasn't that keen and knew his friend wanted it. If this man was abusive, and all you still do is argue, then I don't see why you'd tiptoe around his feelings on this. Your son sounds like he's made his mind up, as is his right, and I think he's showing you he's a better man than his father.

pikapikachu · 01/09/2019 16:18

Having read your update, letting Ds do what he wants is the right answer. My teen Ds is NC with his Dad and gives away/throws away gifts from Dad if he's sent them. I can totally understand why he won't want any gifts from Dad. I would ask Ds if you could donate/sell the unopened gifts. I think it's unfair to expect your Ds to accept these gifts in the first place.
Buying computer games as gifts is risky. How did Dad know what genre Ds plays and whether or not he already had the game? When I buy for a gamer I tend to go for PS or Xbox credit that they can use towards a game that they want.

Haffdonga · 01/09/2019 16:20

if he spurns his dad too much XP is likely to just disappear off again

And this would be a bad thing, why?

But if you're really worried about the message of giving away the game then can't ds lend the game to his friend?

pikapikachu · 01/09/2019 16:20

The gifts are essentially a bribe because your ex wants to erase the past but his behaviour has been very damaging.

Nursejackie1 · 01/09/2019 16:23

For what reason on earth do you have to force a gift from a Father in your child when said father has not bothered with him for most of his childhood?
So for years your son has had no say in his relationship with his father as he couldn’t be bothered and now he is old enough to have some control over it you want to force him to accept some gift which is a bit late in the day.
This goes deeper than accepting a gift or not. He doesn’t want it because of the selfish git who has given it to him, and quite right, at least give him that. Sounds like a great balanced kid to me the way he is dealing with it, don’t upset that.

PalmersGreen · 01/09/2019 16:23

He’s 15. It’s his item. He can do with it as he wishes.

Breathlessness · 01/09/2019 16:28

Why on earth are you in contact with your ex let alone arguing with him about whether your DS has the right to ignore him??? Your DS is 15. The court has recognised that it was not in your DS’s interests to see his father years ago and they aren’t going to overrule the wishes of a 15 year old. What hold does this man have over you? Are you afraid of him?

Nursejackie1 · 01/09/2019 16:29

Just read your update. So what you do is if u are worried that your son might end up feeling bad about it in the end is reassure your son that he it’s completely normal and natural to feel that way and he has every right to give away these token gifts. Encourage it and give him the confidence to believe in his own decisions so that when this part of a father tries his techniques on him he doesn’t end up second guessing himself too.

AgentJohnson · 01/09/2019 16:35

Why are you trying to ‘manage’ your son’s relationship with someone, who isn’t interested in maintaining a relationship beyond sending gifts?

It sounds like you’re torn because normally you wouldn’t condone your child just giving away a gift, especially an expensive one but ‘normal’ rules don’t apply here, your son doesn’t feel he owe’s this man a damn thing (very healthy, given the dynamic).

Your son clearly can’t and will not be bought.

DD’s dad doesn’t pay maintenance and terminated contact except for a pre recorded Skype message twice a year. He made a big song and dance about his right to buy her gifts, I didn’t want him trying to buy her and set a limit of 50 € per gift to a maximum of three times a year. This lasted a year or two and then it stopped, I’m guessing it’s because he isn’t getting the return on his ‘investment’—adulation from DD—. Beyond the safeguards regarding sending ‘gifts’, I have nothing to do with their relationship and DD gives him what she gets from him, nothing. I suspect he’s going to make an appearance in her teens and expect a relationship and is saving his pennies to grease her palms then.

Gogreen · 01/09/2019 16:40

Teenagers offend their parents constantly at this age...it’s like law to them.

His doing something nice...and it will make him happy, I would say his being very thoughtful.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/09/2019 16:43

Not a lot to add, but I just wanted to say that both your ds and his friend sound like lovely boys.

DobbinsVeil · 01/09/2019 16:47

I think passing it on to a friend is actually a positive sign. It would be fine if he threw it in the bin, but instead he's taking something that will give him no joy, and passing it to someone he likes who can enjoy it.

Drum2018 · 01/09/2019 16:53

Why are you in contact with XP? Is there a legal reason you have to liaise directly with him or can contact not take place via a third party? At 15 your son is coming to an age where he can decide for himself if he wants to see his father. He clearly doesn't want anything to do with him so there is no sense in you having contact with him either. Let him give the game away - he doesn't need reminders of his and doesn't need token gifts from him at all. He's obviously done well without him in his life up to now so why encourage contact at all? It won't benefit either of you.

BumbleBeee69 · 01/09/2019 16:57

OP you never mentioned DV or that your DS had witnessed it ...

I wouldn't accept anything from this man.

rosedream · 01/09/2019 16:57

Look at it from a different perspective.

You telling him he has to keep the game I feel is doing several things.

A- telling your son his dad has control over you.

B- tells your son he can't make his own decisions where his feelings and relationship are concerned or they come secondary to others ie yours , his nan and his dads

C- you're making him keep something that makes him feel unpleasant.

D- that something that is given as a gift is not truly his.

Him giving the game away to me is more than being kind to a friend. I feel he is making a statement or dealing with his feelings by doing this.

SavingSpaces2019 · 01/09/2019 17:28

The first two years he didnt see them his did send presents and I've kept those (unopened as DS wouldnt open them). When the gifts didnt materialise into DS seeing him he stopped sending them. This is the first year he has sent a gift again and it's all going to kick off if he finds out DS has rejected it

So let it all kick off!
Why the hell are you putting the feelings of an absent father above your own child?
The sperm donor needs to realise that you CAN'T BUY A CHILD'S LOVE!
His son wanted a present father in his life, not an absent one who just threw money at him.

Your son refusing to iopen those presents - good on him!
He clearly values himself and knows he deserves better from his father.
Your son still doesn't want presents from his father, especially unwanted ones.
The 'gift' is now HIS and if he wants to re-gift it to someone else he CAN.

Stop trying to force him into accepting shite from his father.
It's both your and the ex's fault that this child hasn't had a proper relationship with his father....so stop using him to assuage your own guilt.

MuseThalia · 01/09/2019 17:34

I'd let him do what he wants with it but I think Bumblebeee69's idea of lending it, is a better one. Not because it is his dad that gave it to him, but because he may change his mind later on about wanting the game.

As for his dad 'kicking off' tell him to do one. I've had my dad randomly threatening to kick off at me for something that isn't even anything to do with me ..and I haven't seen the arse for years and years. Your DS's dad sounds extremely similar to my dad.

IceCreamBrain · 01/09/2019 17:41

If your xp disappears again because your DS doesn't want his gift then that shows that he hasn't changed at all and still didn't respect your DS's right to be angry. If that's the case him disappearing again will be the best thing for your ds.

Mamabear144 · 01/09/2019 20:08

As somebody that grew up without my biological father and then met him at age 18 and completely shut him out of my life, I agree with your DS, your ds has some deep personal feelings towards his dad even if they're negative. I would never accept anything from my father if he ever tried, I would either hand it back or give it to somebody else. If his dad hasn't been around then he hasn't cared about either of your feelings so why should you care about his. You and ds love each other and it doesn't matter where the love comes from once ds knows he can count on someone when he needs to. Ds sounds like a lovely boy and you should be proud that he doesn't want to throw the game in the bin and would rather give it to a friend who really wants it, you have a very thoughtful boy.

MzHz · 01/09/2019 21:57

Fucking hell woman, this ex is USING you to get at his son! You’re doing his dirty work for him!

Whatever relationship your ex has with your son is YOUR EXES responsibility.

If your boy doesn’t want these gifts, he doesn’t need to accept them or keep them.

Your boy is 15. He’s more than old enough to know the age appropriate truth and to make decisions based on that.

Let him decide, and if anything “kicks off” stop all contact with the ex, call the police and whoever else you can to get this horrible man away from you and your boy.

This support of your son in his decisions will strengthen your bond with him, it will help him become a strong and decent man.

You’ve done a great job so far, you’re raising someone who knows he’s been short changed by his own father and he knows it’s not good enough

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