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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No best friends allowed

68 replies

hipslikecinderella · 01/09/2019 10:08

Dd goes to an all girls school. She's in y4 but since she started, the teachers have been very vocal in encouraging them to be "all friends with everyone" and not to have best friends.

To the extent that in reception, two girls were playing together each day and the teacher said one day "hello Gemma, Emma is playing with someone else today so you will have to find someone else too"

I guess I can see why, as intense friendships can turn into rows at that age. But aibu to think it's trying to make them miss out on an important part of growing up. I always remember my best friends even now.

Perhaps they will make best friends anyway (some I think already have, but dd not).

OP posts:
CapedCrusaderOnAHighHorse · 01/09/2019 10:09

I can kind of see the reasoning behind it but my goodness it does seem a bit harsh!

MarthasGinYard · 01/09/2019 10:11

So glad we took Dd out of a similar small and intense environment.

Just shuddered remembering it

CallmeAngelina · 01/09/2019 10:13

I suspect this has got lost in translation. Sounds like a sensible idea in its base form - you can surely imagine the amount of upset caused (particularly with girls, I'm afraid) by the ring-fencing of loyalties, and the bitchiness and upset that can ensue. I've been a primary teacher for over 30 years and I can't tell you how many hours have been spent in untangling such issues.
As an adult, I'm sure (I hope) you would have enough tact and diplomacy not to say to one close friend that another is your "bestie." How would that make her feel?
Where better to start this kinder thought process than at school?

AlexaShutUp · 01/09/2019 10:22

They sound a bit over-zealous in my view. I do think it's good to encourage children to have lots of different friends and that a focus on "best friends" is quite unhealthy. However, you can't force this kind of thing.

My dd (14) has always had lots of friends and I have been very keen to encourage this. There are a few who are particularly close and one who is closer than all of the rest and has been for many years. However, they don't ever call each other "best friends" because that would seem to exclude all of their other great friendships. I think that's wise.

I had a best friend all through primary school and we were very close. I'm still in touch with her now, although we rarely meet. We had a wonderful friendship but it was very exclusive and I really wish I had been encouraged to branch out more at primary school because we went to different secondary schools and I was lost without her. I had been so secure in that particular friendship that I hadn't learned all of the skills that I needed to make new friends, and I really struggled for a while. I wouldn't want that for my dc.

justmyview · 01/09/2019 10:26

Maybe Emma's parents spoke to the school to say that Gemma was smothering Emma and not allowing her to play with other people?

At my DD's school, teacher asked everyone to find someone to play with, then asked if anyone didn't have a partner, then asked who would include that child in their game. I thought that was lovely

CallmeAngelina · 01/09/2019 10:27

My school also has a ban on "boyfriends and girlfriends." Some parents think that it's "cute" and harmless, but it causes no end of hassle, particularly in Upper KS2.

Original poster
hipslikecinderella · 01/09/2019 10:28

I can totally see their point. But I've not misunderstood- y2 teacher explained it to me at parents evening once. They are trying to stop cliques and fallings out.

OP posts:
CallmeAngelina · 01/09/2019 10:31

Right, so what's the issue? Or is it that you want it to be different for your dd?
She can have "best friends" out of school, so as not to miss out (if you think she would).

HiJenny35 · 01/09/2019 10:33

A brilliant idea. 6 year old is in a school that doesn't do that and there's daily arguments between the girls about who is whose best friend and why a certain person can't play because they aren't a best friend. It's nasty and hard work. These "best friends" change weekly and someone is always crying. It takes up so much of the teaching time every day.

Todaythiscouldbe · 01/09/2019 10:38

justmyview I actually think that's awful. Imagine how the child who had nobody to play with felt? I get the reasoning behind it but I feel it was a bit misjudged.

WanderingMind · 01/09/2019 10:39

My SIL told once my partner that I would never be her friend because she's best friends with his ex.

He told her that I decide who my friends are and she's not even on the list. Harsh but it stopped her in her tracks! Grin not that it matters anyway as he doesn't see his brother at all.

Propertyfaux · 01/09/2019 10:40

People are more likely to remember the good points of having a best friend but there is also a lot of negatives. DD1 was domineered by her best friend it took a few years to build her self esteem. They are still friends, but for a year didn’t speak. I have also been the third wheel with best friends, I had to walk away as it just was not worth the hassle. It does depend if it is a best friend among friends or a best friend as you only friend.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 01/09/2019 10:42

Interference like this on a micro level is never going to end well, nor is it likely to be effective. It’s controlling to the nth degree. YANBU, but on the other hand, I don’t see there is much you can do about it.

KUGA · 01/09/2019 10:49

What a load of clap trap.
Children should always pick who they want to talk/play or be friends with.
It also gives them something to look forward to going to school for.
Have we all of a sudden become communists.

HennyPennyHorror · 01/09/2019 11:01

My DD's school has tried this and I went in and told them they can;t control who my DD chooses to play with. She has a best friend...the best friend wants to play with DD and DD wants to play with her...how DARE they try to police the natural formation of a close friendship?

They're not exclusive...other little girls join them from time to time. When one is off, the other always finds someone else.

Wankers. To be fair it wasn't the school as much as the teacher. Small school...male teacher. I've nothing against male teachers but wondered if they perhaps don't understand girls' friendships well?

BlueJava · 01/09/2019 11:03

I'm not sure I agree with the school's view - but as a mum of teenagers I think you might be grateful for this approach in a few year's time!

JapaneseBirdPainting · 01/09/2019 11:05

Being friends and falling out and working out to manage that is a neccessary part of life.

Trying to 'protect' against that rather than teaching children coping and resilience skills plus how to manage relationshoips is just plain ridiculour IMO.

KurriKurri · 01/09/2019 11:08

I think you can micro manage children too much. negotiating friendships is a learning process and important socially, learning give and take, listening to others points of view, learning how to make up after a quarrel, learning to deal with shifting loyalties and allegiances.All things that you need to learn as you grow up.

Obviously you don't want a situation where children are getting excluded, and encouraging group play is good, telling children to look around and include children who are being left out all good, but telling children who they can and can't be friends with is counter productive. Children have a right as everyone does to form close relationships with others.

CallmeAngelina · 01/09/2019 11:16

but telling children who they can and can't be friends with

Where does the OP say that the school has done this?

Timandra · 01/09/2019 11:17

There is so much going on in these friendships that to interfere is always going to be in ill-informed action and is very likely to cause as much harm as good, if not more.

The staff would be much better occupied being available to listen and help children to think through what they're experiencing, offering them better ways to express their thoughts and feelings, supporting postitive regard for each other and building the skills and language needed for negotiation.

Just picking on the obvious supportive relationships and deliberately distrupting them is lazy and controlling. This will make school a lot harder for children whose social skills make it harder for them to manage in larger, less predictable groups of children and who have invested effort in finding a mutually beneficial friendship to support them through the harder parts of the school day.

zebrasdontwearbras · 01/09/2019 11:19

Oh we had this sort of thing at DDs school - it annoyed me intensely - as I always had a best friend at school. My DD and her best friend were never allowed to sit together, or be partners, or whatever - and at parents evening we were told she was "too close" to her best friend.

She was and is a v friendly girl, with lots of friends - and no problems at school at all - but the school seemed to get all cat's bum mouth about her having a best friend. Children need to find their own way with building friendships, not have them engineered by teachers.

CallmeAngelina · 01/09/2019 11:20

Some of the problem in this lies in the terminology "best friend." No one is denying that we can and should have friends who we get on very well with and want to spend time with. But in the classroom situation (as in outside life), to term it as "this is my BEST friend," ergo I don't like you as much and you rank lower, is pretty mean really. Especially when many children take it further and use is as a means to exclude and bully.
I would lay money on the fact that in the Emma/Gemma scenario quoted in the OP, one of their parents has asked the school to intervene. So, who's the controlling one there, HennyPenny?

notso · 01/09/2019 11:22

What's your AIBU?
Your what 4/5 years in now so it can't be that bad.

PegasusReturns · 01/09/2019 11:23

I understand the reasoning and it works really well if your DC is super popular into everything and happy to play with anyone (DC1) and really terribly if your DC is introverted, shy with SEN (DC3).

Strangely enough DC2 doesn't need any support with friendships but DC3 does Hmm

NailsNeedDoing · 01/09/2019 11:25

It's not going to change who children choose to play with each day, it's just to stop children being controlling over others, or excluding others. Those things happen so easily with girls saying 'but you're my best friend'.

I wish more schools would have this policy, it would prevent a lot of low level bullying.

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