Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No best friends allowed

68 replies

hipslikecinderella · 01/09/2019 10:08

Dd goes to an all girls school. She's in y4 but since she started, the teachers have been very vocal in encouraging them to be "all friends with everyone" and not to have best friends.

To the extent that in reception, two girls were playing together each day and the teacher said one day "hello Gemma, Emma is playing with someone else today so you will have to find someone else too"

I guess I can see why, as intense friendships can turn into rows at that age. But aibu to think it's trying to make them miss out on an important part of growing up. I always remember my best friends even now.

Perhaps they will make best friends anyway (some I think already have, but dd not).

OP posts:
DoomsdayCult · 01/09/2019 11:25

Awful.
We have loneliness at epidemic proportions because of this exact mentality. The view that lots of superficial friends is better than one or two best friends is damaging.

DoomsdayCult · 01/09/2019 11:27

@NailsNeedDoing
“It's not going to change who children choose to play with each day, ...”

Yes, it absolutely does change who they play with because the children are not allowed to choose. They get rotated around per the direction of the school staff.

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/09/2019 11:29

So how do play dates look.

Do you have to invite the whole class over not just one or two particular friends.

Is that allowed

Juells · 01/09/2019 11:30

To the extent that in reception, two girls were playing together each day and the teacher said one day "hello Gemma, Emma is playing with someone else today so you will have to find someone else too"

Perhaps Emma's parents asked for that? Gemma might have been cornering Emma every day...

TanMateix · 01/09/2019 11:31

I don’t know. I wish a teacher had come and tell the kid who latched to mine and didn’t allow him to play with other kids that he needed to find more people to play with.

In the mind of the other kid my son was his best friend, in my son’s it was just a clingy kid who was preventing him from playing with other people.

After a few weeks, my son had to shake his “best friend” off himself with far less diplomacy than a 40 year old teacher would have used.

I think it is great your school is keeping an eye on how kids relate to each other.

NailsNeedDoing · 01/09/2019 11:32

Really? I can't imagine teachers micro managing children that are playing nicely to that extent during break and lunch times. I'd have thought it's more about the terminology that children use. And if there are two girls that play exclusively with each other and no one else, then it's good to encourage them to play with others. It's awful seeing children at school who have one best friend but then one family moves away, or even just when one of them is off sick for a while. The child left behind is completely lost, without the skills needed to join in happily with other people.

KurriKurri · 01/09/2019 11:33

Where does the OP say that the school has done this?

the teacher said one day "hello Gemma, Emma is playing with someone else today so you will have to find someone else too"

Saddler · 01/09/2019 11:37

Very weird

Beautiful3 · 01/09/2019 11:59

I actually think this is a good idea. I always tell my girls to play with a group, because best friends cause so many fall outs as it so intense at that age!

eddiemairswife · 01/09/2019 11:59

I had a best friend at school from when she joined at the age of 7 right through until she left after the first year in the sixth form. We were virtually inseparable during that time, but that didn't mean that we weren't friends with the other girls. I think we both gained a great deal from the friendship; her family treated me like an extra daughter and took me on holiday with them and her two brothers...camping on the South Coast. We kept in touch even though I moved away after I got married. Sadly she developed dementia a few years ago.

Echobelly · 01/09/2019 12:07

I've heard of this before and find it ridiculous. For one thing, I can't think of any sensible way to police it, and for another thing it's totally 'helicoptering' to try and stop kids experiencing sadness and hurt, which you can't prevent.

Far better to reinforce the importance of quality of friendships over quantity, and that there is room in one's lives for more than one close friend and it doesn't have to be a competition. DD (11) has had some friends who get very possessive of who is their 'best friend' and what they need is not the banning of best friends, or being told who to play with or not play with, but emotional intelligence around friendships.

JapaneseBirdPainting · 01/09/2019 12:12

TBH my DS's school have trialled a one day per week 'play with someone new' day. And as I understand it (not having enquired too closely, but seeing how it worked with DS1) it worked really well. Not a huge committment, and the children had a bit of variety, outside their comfort zone. My DS1 is autistic and one of the days he had to play with another boy who was quite a boys boy (they are 9). I think they came to a better understanding of each other- they don't talk much, but they do that 'fist bump' thingie in the mornings.

SoundsAboutRight · 01/09/2019 12:12

@justmyview
At my DD's school, teacher asked everyone to find someone to play with, then asked if anyone didn't have a partner, then asked who would include that child in their game. I thought that was lovely

Nooooo, can you imagine being the child that didn't find someone to play with quickly enough and was left with no-one? What would happen if the teacher asked who would play with you and no-one said yes? It would be soul-destroying and humiliating. Sad

SoundsAboutRight · 01/09/2019 12:13

Oops. bold fail...

Propertyfaux · 01/09/2019 12:14

I would say that the only times I have witnessed school involvement has been because of underlying problems, usually that there is a power imbalance or over reliance.

5zeds · 01/09/2019 12:15

They used to do this in Catholic schools up to the 80s. Particular friendships where felt to be unhealthy, excluding and might lead to unwholesome deeper feelings. Grin

I don’t think it was helpful in any way.

EdnaAdaSmith · 01/09/2019 12:21

It's not a brilliant idea, it's an absolutely horrendous idea.

Some children are suited to the big peer group, wide friendship circle style of socialising but some absolutely need a best friend. My DS1 and his BF have been a lifeline for each other for a decade, and DD's life would be vastly the poorer without her best friend of similar duration.

Some school policies are not actually about what's best for children as individuals, but what's easiest for the school or reflects a school "ethos" someone decided looks good on the website/ prospectus/ local media coverage.

Letthemysterybe · 01/09/2019 12:21

Encouraging children to play with other people and to consider everyone their friend, seems pretty mild to me.

HennyPennyHorror · 01/09/2019 12:23

My DD's old primary school class 6 teacher did a clever thing when she first got the class. She asked everyone to write down the name of 2 people they'd like to sit beside for a project that was coming up. She said she could not promise to honour their requests but that she'd try.

They all did it. What she was doing really, was looking out for the children who never got named on anyone else's list.

BeerandBiscuits · 01/09/2019 12:29

At my DD's school, teacher asked everyone to find someone to play with, then asked if anyone didn't have a partner, then asked who would include that child in their game. I thought that was lovely
It doesn't sound lovely to me. I'd have felt humiliated if I'd been that child.

JustDanceAddict · 01/09/2019 12:30

It’s fine to encourage kids to play with others, but to not allow a mutual close friendship is ridiculous. Best friends come and go, both my DCs have been let down by so-called best friends but in the end it made them more resilient. DS is more one for a best friend, but it’s now within a group of half a dozen boys or sp.,
Agree you can rely too much on one person at school though, it’s healthier to have a few close friends but it’s not always possible if you’re shy, plus it’s natural to navigate towards one ‘special’ person.
As an adult I suppose I have two best friends - have always liked having close female friends (not all have lasted though - that is life).

JustDanceAddict · 01/09/2019 12:32

BeerandBiscuits - agree, sounds horrific. As a young child I would’ve hated that. The words ‘choose a partner’ still give me the chills as a popular adult.

Juells · 01/09/2019 12:35

They used to do this in Catholic schools up to the 80s. Particular friendships where felt to be unhealthy, excluding and might lead to unwholesome deeper feelings.

I went to Catholic schools and never saw that happening. I do think that English Catholicism is more rigid than Catholicism in 'Catholic' countries though, perhaps from a siege mentality?

Oblomov19 · 01/09/2019 12:37

I am not comfortable with this at all and don't think it's right.
Most of the above points just don't apply. And most of them are negative.

Most talk the negatives, not the pro's: about a best friend controlling and making a girl have low self esteem? Emma and Gemma? and also one not talking for a year? What the heck? ShockShockShock

Then that's not an issue with the idea of a best friend, generally. That's a problem with one girl,specifically, that ends up toxic. And the mum presumably addressed it?

I'm all for inclusion and making sure a) That everyone has someone to play with.

And b) people mix up when they are partnered for work or a class project.

And some children do you have many friends, or a big group. and that is healthy and good. So long as everyone is happy.

but other people gravitate to, or a friendship develops naturally, and they have one best friend and that is also allowed.

I think is absolute cheek and nerve of any school to dictate!!

I myself have a number of acquaintances, a number of closer friends, and a small group of exceptionally close friends, and a best friend. I choose this. I've got varying degrees friendships and that's what I choose to have. I don't want anyone to tell me what I can and can't have in my choice of friendships.

I'm absolutely staggered by this!

EdnaAdaSmith · 01/09/2019 12:37

HennyPennyHorror that's a good idea, though she should have also used it for project groups to avoid the children working out quickly that she's a liar...

It's also not remotely the same thing.

Telling children that they have to be friends with everyone and must play predominantly with one or two children ignores normal child development. Learning to coexist with everyone and get on with most people is a different skill to learning to develop and maintain close relationships, and children need experience of learning to develop and maintain relationships independently.

Telling children that being kind means they are not allowed preferences or to stay clear of certain peers is also very short sighted, bordering on damaging.

Just saying no best friends, all play together, you're all interchangeable is lazy pedagogy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread