No best friends allowed

[hipslikecinderella]

Dd goes to an all girls school. She's in y4 but since she started, the teachers have been very vocal in encouraging them to be "all friends with everyone" and not to have best friends.

To the extent that in reception, two girls were playing together each day and the teacher said one day "hello Gemma, Emma is playing with someone else today so you will have to find someone else too"

I guess I can see why, as intense friendships can turn into rows at that age. But aibu to think it's trying to make them miss out on an important part of growing up. I always remember my best friends even now.

Perhaps they will make best friends anyway (some I think already have, but dd not).

YANBU @hipslikecinderella that's batshit. You can't tell people who to be friends with. Daft!

Understandable but totally shit and stupid, in my humble opinion. You can totally control who children like to be around. Better to encourage groups to expand and include other kids. To teach genuine life skills.

Maybe This is a problem with girls more do than boys? a lot of my friends have girls say friendships are very problematic .

both of my Ds's haven't really had friendship issues majorly. Both have either a best mate or a close group of friends and also then a much larger group of friends.

and they both play football, so know lots of boys. Ds1 gets invited to endless parties, he's in lots of groups at school: big groups with girls and boys, all doing GCSEs .....

and none of this has ever been a problem.

Bloody hell the number of times I do this!

You can totally not control who children like to be around.

@Todaythiscouldbe @SoundsAboutRight @BeerandBiscuits @JustDanceAddict

I hear what you're saying, and must admit I hadn't thought of it that way, but it did actually seem to work fine. It wasn't always the same children who were left out, and the others were all keen to include anyone who didn't have someone lined up to play with

KurriKurri Sun 01-Sep-19 11:33:05

but telling children who they can and can't be friends with
"Where does the OP say that the school has done this?"

"the teacher said one day "hello Gemma, Emma is playing with someone else today so you will have to find someone else too"

So, she said Emma was playing with someone else that day, not "you and Emma aren't allowed to be friends."

I hate the way someone always claims that girls are more difficult than boys.

This is strange.
Who is in charge of it, the teachers or the friends police.

What’s wrong with the school promoting healthy relationships in a way that’s inclusive?

i.e ‘Could Emma join in the game today too?’

I don’t see why it has to be either or. You also don’t have to be friends with and like everyone. In fact it’s a pretty important life skill to choose those you’d not rather be around and you don’t have to please people.

I like the idea that @JapaneseBirdPainting dcs school suggested of finding someone new to play with once a week.

Dd found herself in a difficult period and friendships / play dates dried up in yr1 - she was struggling because of me being very ill, which led to her becoming very controlling. She saw a child psychologist privately, got her confidence back and slowly got a lot of friends.

The teachers didn’t help her but the dinner ladies did and others by creating big games anyone could join. Some of them were lovely... Then one teacher put a stop to the games as they were too dangerous. I’m confused as they didn’t sound it.

In yr 4 dds two friendship groups set up a rota to play with her on alternate days. The school put a stop to it. I do kind of get it.

Then when a boy was struggling with friends in yr6 - he always did due to his violent father and copying him, the school thought it was a good idea for dd and her friends to play with him. That is despite him fancying my dd and being aware that he stalked another girl in yr6.

Tbh. I think the schools make arbitrary rules as they go along.

This is just another example of the safeguarding/bullying industry over-extending its reach. We’re beginning to get U.K. schools copying the U.S. practice of seeing 'best friends' as a bullying and exclusion issue.

It’s demanding children to do something we wouldn’t dream of doing as adults. Would a teacher be forced to be friends and socialise with their school’s entire staff team? Perhaps we’ll soon see teachers being disciplined if they invite one colleague to their wedding/social occasion whilst "excluding" others.

As a PP says, it’s hardly helping children develop an important adult life skill.

They’ve already been forced to go to a school they didn’t choose. Now they’re forced to be friends with everyone there. Would you or I accept being told where we have to work, and then be told that our all colleagues have to also be our friends too?

It leads to all kinds of problems too. Children are forced to play with children they’d rather avoid. So genuine bullies manipulate the situation to maintain contact with their victims, and less confident children can’t avoid groups of negative influencers who draw them into all kinds of bad behaviour.

Sometimes one parent will contact the teacher saying they are concerned about a close friendship wanting their kids to socialise with others or feeling thier child is dominating. They may have asked the teacher to intervene.

If your child has a best friend then just invite them around for tea after school. I can see why they have done this but it seems a bit harsh and surely it builds a childs resilience having these 'usual' friendship issues. Xx

Sometimes one parent will contact the teacher saying they are concerned about a close friendship wanting their kids to socialise with others or feeling thier child is dominating. They may have asked the teacher to intervene.

I'm hoping that any parent who receives such a call will give those teachers extremely short shrift (albeit they are only implementing someone else's absurd policy). I'm recalling the slogan from Brave New World, 'everyone belongs to everyone else', where citizens have no freedom as to which people they favour or care for, and get into dire straights if they shag the same person for too long.

These attitudes are beyond dictatorial. In fact, when added to the ill-advised 'educational' policies of one Michael Gove, I don't think it's in any way an exaggeration to say this is straying into the territory of the dystopian.

Why do we UK citizens sit back and tolerate this?

Feels a bit controlling to be honest. I do like the idea of once a week playing with someone else, good way to mix and get to know others without the feeling of it being forced down your throat.

To the extent that in reception, two girls were playing together each day and the teacher said one day "hello Gemma, Emma is playing with someone else today so you will have to find someone else too

So Gemma was left on her own.

What if Gemma never found someone else to play with.

Comes across like the teacher split them up. Found Emma someone to play with and told Gemma she should sod off and find her own friends.

Comes across like the teacher split them up. Found Emma someone to play with and told Gemma she should sod off and find her own friends.

or it could have been that Gemma had latched onto Emma and prevented her from playing with anyone else, and Emma's parents had asked the teacher to sort out the situation.

Feel the same way about this as I do team sports where no side wins
Bizarre and over protective