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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Scattering Ashes and DP night out

71 replies

Ohmywhatabigegoyouhave · 01/09/2019 08:50

I am scattering my grandmothers ashes on Saturday. My family dynamic is hard. Estranged sister will be there who has made our life hell for the last 5 years.

DP arranged to go out on the Friday before the Saturday which was fine he never goes out.

But we agreed to have the Saturday together a couple of weeks ago because it’s going to be a tough day, and I’ll be really upset there will most likely be a massive drama surrounding said sister and my mother is dreading it. All uncles and nieces will be there and it will provide closure to us all - hopefully.

DP then said yesterday that the night out was changed to Saturday. I was not happy did not go about it right at all. Was upset felt pushed back and was totally pissed off.

I reminded him that Saturday was the day I was scattering my grandmothers ashes. He said ‘but his birthdays a big deal’ I then got really pissed off and went at him in floods of tears. He looked really shocked and quite disappointed in himself. I said ‘well could you not go?’ And I was so upset I had to say it, surely it’s a given?

Even though it’s a big deal to me is it a big deal to most people? Am I overreacting?

We then sat down and he said he did not understand the importance of it, he didn’t think it through and he was sorry. He thought it was throwing something in a park 🙄 which I get because he was brought up amongst a very warped cult like religion though I can’t help but feel like it’s him just excusing being a twat.

Fine. He said he would stay in to support me. He has been totally fine and said he wasn’t bothered about going anyway.

But I feel like shit. Controlling. A bitch.

But AIBU to let him stay in with me on sat night? I will be upset I will need his support, just a shoulder. I won’t want anyone else but him in that moment. I can’t stay at my mothers as she will be with her partner at his home.

Or do I tell him to go and have a good night, and I’ll just stay in by myself?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohmywhatabigegoyouhave · 01/09/2019 08:50

Oh Jesus sorry it’s so bloody long!

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 01/09/2019 08:56

In your shoes I wouldn't be bothered if he went out, in a lot of ways I would probably prefer it and just have a night in to reflect/cry and have a bath, watch a film and generally chill out and have my own headspace.

Although I understand the reasons why, I do think you are being a bit unreasonable, it sounds like he doesn't often go out and is generally a supportive guy.

Sorry you're going through such a tough time Flowers

GruciusMalfoy · 01/09/2019 08:57

Does the timing of ashes scattering coincide with his night out? If your sister is likely to be horrible, I understand you wanting him to be there as emotional backup, but it wouldn't stop him going out later?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/09/2019 09:00

If he’ll be there for the day, the emotional hard bit to get through, then I don’t see the issue with him going out later. He’d also be with you on the Friday night whilst you’ll be anxious so think that might be better?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 01/09/2019 09:02

Personally I think your behaving OTT, you’ve had the funeral, the scattering of the ashes for me is just throwing dirt, however I understand for others a lot more than that.

Life is for enjoying and frankly I would rather be out laughing and enjoying myself than be with a family with a history of fueds and sorrows.

Alsohuman · 01/09/2019 09:03

I’m like your partner and don’t really understand why scattering ashes is a huge social event. Most people do it quietly and discreetly when there aren’t many people around and it’s just a couple of the closest relatives who are there.

Yes, you’ll be upset, it’s draining but will keeping your partner at home when he wants to go out be of much comfort?

TidyDancer · 01/09/2019 09:03

I think if he's there for the scattering I'm surprised him going out later is a big issue. If it was me I would prefer to have some time to myself in the evening then perhaps the next day have a quiet day in with DP.

AcrobaticCardigan · 01/09/2019 09:03

I think if it’s a big deal to you and you need his support then he 100% should be with you for the whole day. YANBU.

bigchris · 01/09/2019 09:03

He's realised now that you need him to be there and cancelled his night out , I'd tell him how much you appreciate it , I'd apologise for getting so upset and then just let it be

Whenaretheholidaysover · 01/09/2019 09:04

I think he can support you during the day then go out for the evening later. No problem with that especially as you say he doesn’t go out often.

TidyDancer · 01/09/2019 09:04

I do understand why you're anxious though. I think the important thing is that he's there for you at the time and presuming that he is then I don't think it's unreasonable for him to go out later.

DuchessofManchester · 01/09/2019 09:04

I'm assumimg the two events dont overlap? I see no problem with him going out as long as he's supportive during the day. Have the evening to yourself to relax or invite a good friend over to give yourself something to look forward to. Flowers

bigchris · 01/09/2019 09:05

Was your estranged sister at the funeral ? How did that go ? Hope Saturday goes well Flowers

I find it so sad how families fall out x

VictoriaBun · 01/09/2019 09:08

Do you have the ashes ?
I ask this because you could do it in two halves. Go the that park the day before with your partner and have your meaningful goodbye then, but only scatter half. Then do it the next day with estranged sister with the rest.
If you have the ashes you will know it is quite a surprising amount.

BrokenWing · 01/09/2019 09:08

If the scattering is during the day, I'd have no problem with dh going out at night,

Original poster
Ohmywhatabigegoyouhave · 01/09/2019 09:08

He isn’t coming to the day time simply because none of our partners are coming incase there is a riot. The funeral ended terribly with sister attacking me.

I think this evening I will thank him for understanding and offering to stay in with me, but will explain that upon reflection I would feel terrible him staying in.

And then just cry and cry and cry by myself!

OP posts:
fedup21 · 01/09/2019 09:08

I think if he's there for the scattering I'm surprised him going out later is a big issue

This. I’d just have an early night.

CassianAndor · 01/09/2019 09:09

OP, you will get a lot of people coming along and analysing this, that and the other about how and when and what you said to your DP.

Right now, in your grief and at a difficult family time, you need him. He didn’t understand why but now he does. Grief does not make you always behave in rational, logical everyday ways.

You not controlling. Only on MN would anyone think that.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 01/09/2019 09:11

Surely if your sister is that feral that she attacked you at the funeral (seriously?!), itd be infinitely better to have your partner there to have your back? Moral support and all that.

MiddleClassProblem · 01/09/2019 09:11

sister attacking me verbally? Physically?

Original poster
Ohmywhatabigegoyouhave · 01/09/2019 09:13

@Yeahnahyeah1 I can honestly see why that is the case and why people would say that and how it makes sense but I really would not want him to see how nasty this shit can get. He wouldn’t cope with it well and I would prefer him to not be in that position if I’m honest. I will save face through the day and have a break down on the night. Hence how the evening was feeling like a big deal for me.

My grandmother was a second mother who me and my mother lived with until late teens due to me not having a father in my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohmywhatabigegoyouhave · 01/09/2019 09:14

@MiddleClassProblem physically. The police were called. NFA.

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 01/09/2019 09:15

Tell him to go out and have a good night.

Original poster
Ohmywhatabigegoyouhave · 01/09/2019 09:17

Thanks everyone.

I’m going to tell him to go out XX

OP posts:
Yeahnahyeah1 · 01/09/2019 09:19

Oh how awful. I do see what you’re saying... still think it would be best to have some decent support but you know the situation best of course. In all honesty, given what you’ve just said, I’m not sure I’d even go. You could have your own quiet reflection time, even go somewhere and do something to commemorate your lovely grandmothers life, away from the toxicity of your family?
Above all else tho, I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

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