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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Scattering Ashes and DP night out

71 replies

Ohmywhatabigegoyouhave · 01/09/2019 08:50

I am scattering my grandmothers ashes on Saturday. My family dynamic is hard. Estranged sister will be there who has made our life hell for the last 5 years.

DP arranged to go out on the Friday before the Saturday which was fine he never goes out.

But we agreed to have the Saturday together a couple of weeks ago because it’s going to be a tough day, and I’ll be really upset there will most likely be a massive drama surrounding said sister and my mother is dreading it. All uncles and nieces will be there and it will provide closure to us all - hopefully.

DP then said yesterday that the night out was changed to Saturday. I was not happy did not go about it right at all. Was upset felt pushed back and was totally pissed off.

I reminded him that Saturday was the day I was scattering my grandmothers ashes. He said ‘but his birthdays a big deal’ I then got really pissed off and went at him in floods of tears. He looked really shocked and quite disappointed in himself. I said ‘well could you not go?’ And I was so upset I had to say it, surely it’s a given?

Even though it’s a big deal to me is it a big deal to most people? Am I overreacting?

We then sat down and he said he did not understand the importance of it, he didn’t think it through and he was sorry. He thought it was throwing something in a park 🙄 which I get because he was brought up amongst a very warped cult like religion though I can’t help but feel like it’s him just excusing being a twat.

Fine. He said he would stay in to support me. He has been totally fine and said he wasn’t bothered about going anyway.

But I feel like shit. Controlling. A bitch.

But AIBU to let him stay in with me on sat night? I will be upset I will need his support, just a shoulder. I won’t want anyone else but him in that moment. I can’t stay at my mothers as she will be with her partner at his home.

Or do I tell him to go and have a good night, and I’ll just stay in by myself?

OP posts:

BlueJava · 01/09/2019 09:20

Your sister attacked you at the funeral and your partners aren't coming to the scattering of ashes in case there is a riot. I realise this isn't your original question but why are you even going? Surely some quiet time alone reflecting on your grandad away from the rest of your family would be better.

However, you a bit unreasonable - if the event is in the day no reason why he shouldn't go out in the evening and you have an early night.

CassianAndor · 01/09/2019 09:22

Well, I think that’s a shame -you would like him to stay at home as per the original plan. You will just have been through a very difficult ceremony and having a night in with your DP sounds a good way to relax, maybe talk it through, process the days events. But now you’ll just be at home by yourself while he’s in the pub.

But you got the responses I knew you’d get on MN. People generally don’t value this kind of thing.

CassianAndor · 01/09/2019 09:23

I say all this as someone who is grieving now as well.

flumpybear · 01/09/2019 09:24

You poor thing, not a nice day ahead for you.

Personally, if he doesn't go out much it's crappy timing but not his fault. As others have said I'd have wine, bath and early night and tell him to enjoy his night out, but I do understand as he could be a bit more supportive

bigchris · 01/09/2019 09:25

I wouldn't go either

Your mother surely won't be able to relax having her 2 daughters at each other's throats

If the police were called last time why has she been invited this time

Life is too short for this , remember your grandmother in your own special way

TabbyMumz · 01/09/2019 09:26

Can you not split the ashes up so you all have your own amount, then you can scatter yours on your own? It would avoid it becoming a big family outing and no arguments about where and when they are scattered.

Original poster

Ohmywhatabigegoyouhave · 01/09/2019 09:28

@cassianandor I’m so sorry for your loss. This was my thought. But I do feel like I am asking a lot off him. It’s my first big loss, and it’s been huge. I never stop him doing anything and I thought this once wouldn’t be bad, but I do feel bad for even asking.

OP posts:

TimeIhadaNameChange · 01/09/2019 09:29

I think so long as you can spend some time with him before he goes out its OK.

daisychain01 · 01/09/2019 09:30

At a time of bereavement nothing should be labelled as "unreasonable".
Your emotions are all over the place.

Don't give yourself a hard time, get through the scattering, reflect and give yourself the space you need to remember your loved one, however you need to. If your DH can't be there, it isn't the end of the world in the grand scheme of life

Compartmentalise your family, get through the day then have nothing much more to do with them. Distance is often the best approach.

pinkdelight · 01/09/2019 09:30

And then just cry and cry and cry by myself!

i will save face through the day then have a breakdown at night

I know you're grieving but these feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Does it really have to be so high-octane emotionally? Your family situation is obviously fraught but getting so wound up in advance and this certainty that you won't cope is all feeding into the tragedy. This is not how it has to be and you'd surely feel better being more in control. Scattering ashes shouldn't be this way and hopefully won't be - I hope it gives you some peace and more positive feelings so you won't go to pieces after all. It's lovely that you're DP had heard your worries and wants to support you, but I wouldn't have stopped him going out as you say he rarely does and it's a (friend's?) birthday. You know yourself best, but perhaps you do underestimate yourself and you would emerge stronger if you didn't need his shoulder for the few hours when he's out.

I really hope it's not as bad as you're anticipating and that it helps in some way to begin healing your loss.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/09/2019 09:30

I know exactly how you feel having a similar dynamic with my violent sibling. Can your dp control himself physically? Was that the issue at the funeral? You aren’t explaining this in a way I can understand. If he can just be there to protect you and won’t get involved in altercations, I suggest he comes with you and stays a distance away from the actual ash scattering.

As for being with you, I think you should plan at least an hour to decompose together with no interruptions. Then be ok with him going out. This way both of you get what you want.

JammieCodger · 01/09/2019 09:32

Of course you’re not unreasonable. Some posters would rather be by themselves? Fine, but that’s got stuff all to do with it. You know that having kept it together for what sounds like a horribly emotional day you’d like the comfort and support of your partner.

He should not be putting a mate’s birthday drinks ahead of your needs at a time like that.

Original poster

Ohmywhatabigegoyouhave · 01/09/2019 09:34

@pinkdelight I’m just very sensitive and have never had to experience a loss before not like this one. I’m just handling it in my own way. It is a tragedy. A huge one. I’m just very, very sensitive.

OP posts:

Missingstreetlife · 01/09/2019 09:35

And hope he doesn't come back too drunk.

makingmammaries · 01/09/2019 09:36

OP, sorry for your loss. Your partner not being there later in the evening does not need to be a huge deal. I understand your sadness but you need self-care strategies, like a bath, a book or a DVD to get through the grief.

Annonymiss123 · 01/09/2019 09:37

This is exactly what I was thinking.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/09/2019 09:40

I’m also very very sensitive. Perhaps turn this on its head and think of all the positives, what your nan taught you. The luck and privilege you had to having her in your life into adulthood. Maybe she gave you some coping resources you could draw on now. Did she have any wise words?

As already said, you’ve decided how you’re going to react without having been through the day. My main concern in your situation would be my physical safety, not whether or not you will cry. Try to plan this rather than your emotions.

Original poster

Ohmywhatabigegoyouhave · 01/09/2019 09:40

@Missingstreetlife he will come back slaughtered!

OP posts:

NorbertHerbertGruntfuttock · 01/09/2019 09:48

I am estranged from my sister. I kept some of my DDads ashes back so the day we 'scattered his ashes' wasn't it for me OP. I went back on my own so I could talk to my DDad uninterrupted by her and her ghastly husband and the circus it turned into. DDad would have laughed at this and known I would do exactly this because it is what he would have done. There are always ways around things when you have toxic relatives.

Chickychoccyegg · 01/09/2019 09:50

To be honest i would expect my partner to put me first in this situation.
He doesnt go out much but there's a weekend every week, where he could go out, this is a one off, dont feel guilty for needing him after an emotional day.

ZenNudist · 01/09/2019 09:50

Better it's on a Saturday night out as he wont be hungover for the ceremony. Its fine for him to go out. Won't you be seeing your family then just go home?

How old are you? You sound very young.

Its nice of him to accompany you to the ceremony. He shouldn't have to also give up a rare night out.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 01/09/2019 09:54

Oh I just realised I never answered your actual question. To be honest, I’d be annoyed to even have to tell DH I wanted him to stay in with me for the evening. You’ll be upset, and you’ll want support, Yanbu.

LillithsFamiliar · 01/09/2019 09:56

From your OP, I thought YWBU but with your later posts, I don't think you are. It's going to be a difficult day and you're going through it alone. I understand why you'd want him to be there at night. I'm not sure why he didn't get that. It's nothing to do with his upbringing or to do with how most people scatter ashes. It's everything to do with your family being dysfunctional and him knowing the last time you seen your DSIS, she attacked you.

CassianAndor · 01/09/2019 09:58

OP you feel bad because that’s your female socialisation talking (plenty of it coming from other posters on this thread). Mustn’t put yourself first, even at one of the most stressful times in your life - I mean, it doesn’t get much worse that grief, does it? But apparently a man’s night in the pub trumps that. No, it doesn’t.

Also, now that you’ve explained how you’re feeling what kind of a man would still ignore that and go out anyway? And after such a day, who wants a drunk man staggering in at god knows what time, waking you up? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

He’s agreed to stay in. I would leave it at that.

for you. We haven’t got to the scattering ashes point, and ours won’t involve such shenanigans, but I can imagine the feelings that will overwhelm me at that time. Look after yourself xx

darkcloudsandsunnyskies · 01/09/2019 10:04

You seem a very nice person and your DP. With everything you mention could you just enjoy yourself alone drama free for a while. Spoil yourself.

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