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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Scattering Ashes and DP night out

71 replies

Ohmywhatabigegoyouhave · 01/09/2019 08:50

I am scattering my grandmothers ashes on Saturday. My family dynamic is hard. Estranged sister will be there who has made our life hell for the last 5 years.

DP arranged to go out on the Friday before the Saturday which was fine he never goes out.

But we agreed to have the Saturday together a couple of weeks ago because it’s going to be a tough day, and I’ll be really upset there will most likely be a massive drama surrounding said sister and my mother is dreading it. All uncles and nieces will be there and it will provide closure to us all - hopefully.

DP then said yesterday that the night out was changed to Saturday. I was not happy did not go about it right at all. Was upset felt pushed back and was totally pissed off.

I reminded him that Saturday was the day I was scattering my grandmothers ashes. He said ‘but his birthdays a big deal’ I then got really pissed off and went at him in floods of tears. He looked really shocked and quite disappointed in himself. I said ‘well could you not go?’ And I was so upset I had to say it, surely it’s a given?

Even though it’s a big deal to me is it a big deal to most people? Am I overreacting?

We then sat down and he said he did not understand the importance of it, he didn’t think it through and he was sorry. He thought it was throwing something in a park 🙄 which I get because he was brought up amongst a very warped cult like religion though I can’t help but feel like it’s him just excusing being a twat.

Fine. He said he would stay in to support me. He has been totally fine and said he wasn’t bothered about going anyway.

But I feel like shit. Controlling. A bitch.

But AIBU to let him stay in with me on sat night? I will be upset I will need his support, just a shoulder. I won’t want anyone else but him in that moment. I can’t stay at my mothers as she will be with her partner at his home.

Or do I tell him to go and have a good night, and I’ll just stay in by myself?

OP posts:

bellabasset · 01/09/2019 10:05

Can you compromise with your dh delaying the time he goes out so you get some time with him.

cccameron · 01/09/2019 10:12

He's not going to the ceremony ZenNudist

I think it very much depends on the person whether they would want or need the support of their DH after the ceremony. It sounds like the day will be incredibly stressful for you and can completely understand why you would want him with you that night. Him coming in 'slaughtered' will only add to the stress.

TBH, I'd expect my DH to know he should be there to support me given that you had previously been physically attacked. I wouldnt need to ask him to stay in, he would ask me what I needed. It's strange that he thinks his friends birthday is an important event but doesn't think that you losing your grandmother in tragic circumstances, scattering her ashes and potentially being attacked by their family is a big deal

IceCreamBrain · 01/09/2019 10:14

Don't tell him to go out. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's fine for some people who would want to be alone, but you won't. You'll have had a hard day and you want some support at the end of it, that's completely ok. It was ok when I thought he was going to be there during the day, it's even more understandable since he's not even going to be there during the day.
It's ok to ask for support, unless you always have some reason to stop him going out it doesn't make you controlling to want his support on this occasion. And frankly even without the emotional impact, he'd already agreed to spend time with you, yours is the original commitment which he'd be breaking to go out

Benjispruce · 01/09/2019 10:17

I think that so long as he is there when you scatter the ashes and for a short time afterwards then going out that night would be fine. It’s the support at the scattering that’s important. IMO

cccameron · 01/09/2019 10:18

I think this evening I will thank him for understanding and offering to stay in with me, but will explain that upon reflection I would feel terrible him staying in

But he wasn't understanding was he, and he didn't offer to stay in until you virtually broke down. Don't be a martyr, if you need him there, tell him. It sounds like it's going to be a horrendous day for you and you will need the support.

Benjispruce · 01/09/2019 10:22

Oh I see he won’t be there in the day. That’s a bit different. Can he not be with you afterwards for a few hours bed he goes out? Sometimes it’s nice to have support but also time for yourself .

Benjispruce · 01/09/2019 10:23

Before not bed

BrokenWing · 01/09/2019 10:27

why on earth is the ashes scattering being organised in a way that is potentially going to end in a physical assault and you cry cry crying by yourself? Surely noone wants that memory.

Either don't go and find your own, dignified, way to remember your dgm,
dont invite your sis if she is the aggressor, or split the ashes and have two scatterings.

justmyview · 01/09/2019 10:28

The fact that so many posters think it's OK for DP to go out in the evening may give OP some reassurance that her DP isn't a hard hearted bastard who doesn't care about her feelings

OP, doesn't matter if other people would prefer to be left alone. If you feel that you would like his support (and I would, myself) then I think it's good he's willing to cancel his night out, although he hadn't previously realised that you would prefer him to stay home with you

MollyButton · 01/09/2019 10:32

I think what I'd ask is for him to be available. If you really can't cope or things have gone really badly - then yes he should be with you. But if you think you can cope with a nice bubble bath and a good cry, then that is fine.

People react to death and funerals etc in very different ways.

And even if partners aren't supposed to be at the ash scattering - I do think him hovering in the background to help you escape if you need it, could be useful. (Sit in a nearby coffee shop with his phone ready to whisk you away if necessary.)

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 01/09/2019 10:36

With kindness, it reads like you have mentally built up the ashes event as the one big release or 'closure' of all the emotion you have tied up in your past family history and difficult relationships.

And I further suspect you have done this all in your own head, which is understandable, but you can't blame your husband for not 'getting it'.

cranstonmanor · 01/09/2019 10:38

Did your sister agree to no partners? Because it could end up with you being attacked and no one who will protect you. Is it even safe to go there for you?

GiveMeHope103 · 01/09/2019 10:41

Yanbu. He doesnt need to understand why you do the scattering, he just needs to be there for you.
He really shouldn't have made any plans for the day.

drowningincustard · 01/09/2019 10:42

I am sorry you are having such a tough time...
But a few things jump out from your posts - how well do you communicate with your DP - this screams out that he has absolutely no idea how much of a big deal this is to you, or the difficulties with your family. Is it because you have kept it from him - in which case you need to start sharing with him. If its because you have told him and he knows about your family difficulties but chooses to ignore your feelings then is he really the right person for you. Life will always throw curve balls and difficulties - partners need to be there for each other.

KUGA · 01/09/2019 10:45

Good idea
It may help you in the long run as you will have time to think about your Grandma without someone butting in on your thoughts.
And remember all the good times you had with her I bet you will have a smile on your face when you when you think of something funny she did or said .
Bless you.

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 01/09/2019 10:46

It sounds like you need him there and don't want to be in your own that night, so ask him to be with you. That's what having a partner is all about, being there for the other person when they're being a hard time. A night out is not a big deal, don't tell him to go. I'm amazed that there are so many people telling you to have a nice evening on your own when quite obviously you would be unhappy and want company after a difficult day! He can go out any time - a mate's birthday is not a major event.

Stickytoffeepuddingyum · 01/09/2019 10:55

I don't think you're unreasonable wanting support. You shouldn't need to ask. Dh would stay In without me asking. Regardless whether anyone else thinks it ridiculous you are grieving and having a tough day. Support from your partner should be automatic

Branleuse · 01/09/2019 10:59

if you think youll need him there, then its absolutely OK to ask this of him. Hes supposed to be a partner and this is one of the times you think youll really need him. I dont think you now have to feel guilty because he agreed, but it would be also nice if you told him that you do feel bad about what youve asked, but you really do think youll be fragile and need comforting that night, then its entirely appropriate and fine to ask him to stay with you. Could he arrange to go out with his mates a different night?

HelloMumsnutters · 01/09/2019 11:01

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP. Even without all the other circumstances, saying goodbye to someone can be tough and if you need his support afterwards then you do.

steff13 · 01/09/2019 11:12

Why was your sister invited to the ashes thing? She sounds awful, I don't understand why you wouldn't just do it without her.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 01/09/2019 11:17

The problem is that you shouldn't have to ask him to be there for you. He should want to be there for you.

I wouldn't ask my DP to stay in but I'd think less of him if he chose to go out when he would know, without me saying anything that I would want his support.

I'm sorry for your loss.

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