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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to have helped with my cat

73 replies

Cathacker · 01/09/2019 01:57

I'm so pissed off at "D"P. We live together and hes pretty good around the house, but let's get real: I do most of the everyday stuff like laundry and cooking. I also pay most of the bills because I earn more. Also we live in his choice of town. I am messier than him though, leave clothes and mugs lying around etc, although since living together I have tried to not let it get completely out of control as I would living alone.

One of the things I would once have said about him is what a kind gentle person he is. But lately, say the past 6 months, he's become so much less tolerant and especially of my cat. Today for example, my two cats food plates were on the floor in the kitchen and he walked into one. Instead of just tutting or whatever he shouted "for fucks sake" and then dragged the plate across the floor with his foot for a long time, which was really loud because the plate is crockery and the floor stone.

But just now was the worst. One of my cats has been off for the past 24 hours, just lethargic and not eating very much and I've been really worried. I just woke up to hear the cat making an awful sound, like trying to bring up a hairball. I suspect hes actually having trouble passing a large hairball, but having just woke up I panicked. I jumped out of bed and was like "DP help, I think he cant breathe". DP was just like "for fucks sake" really meanly.

I got out of bed, calmed down and started researching, and melted down some butter as this apparently can help the cat pass the hair. Ten minutes later DP got up and went out for a smoke, slamming the door really loudly.

Indont know guys. He makes me feel like I'm hard work and my cat annoys him (I have two). But really I don't ask for anything, just help me out when I need help maybe? Like okay, you've been woken up by my cat who isn't well. How about helping out and having some concern instead of acting like a child? I feel like hes a nice guy but also like I have to take responsibility for a lot alone. Isn't one of the points of a relationship that you're there to help each other out? Just feels like sometimes I may as well just be alone.

What do you reckon though? AIBU? Am I a pain in the arse?

OP posts:
AdoreTheBeach · 01/09/2019 06:33

I think you need to have a discussion as clearly he’s not happy if he’s saying “for fucks sake” and slamming doors. He’s clearly not happy and you’re not happy as you’re up in the wee hours posting about him. It’s not the cat, the cat reaction is an instance illustrating his unhappiness.

KatherineJaneway · 01/09/2019 06:37

YANBU, sounds like his true colours are coming out.

Countrylifeornot · 01/09/2019 06:38

You need to have a conversation OP. He sounds miserable and so do you.
I'd have zero interest in helping a cat, but I'd still show some concern for their owner of course, if they were a person important to me. Maybe it runs deeper than the cats?

CarolineKate · 01/09/2019 06:40

When someone shows you who they really are believe him!

Are you married? If not. I would be grateful for the warning signs. And decide if the good outweighs the bad. And be aware the bad can get worse!

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 01/09/2019 06:46

Op, I would be very unhappy with this kind of behaviour.

It sounds like he's getting pissed off with you (for some reason) and is taking his annoyance out on the cat instead of having a discussion with you about it.

Tread carefully.

adaline · 01/09/2019 06:51

I don't know.

If you do leave things lying about like you describe, is he not just bloody fed up of it and the cat bowl was the final straw? And now he's just using the cat being unwell as an excuse to be a bit stroppy?

I would get fed up if my partner constantly left a trail of "stuff" behind them. Dirty mugs belong in the sink not just left wherever you've last had them - I hate a messy house especially when said mess is caused by a grown adult who should know better - do you think he's the same?

I think he could have been more caring however I imagine the cat issue is just a symptom of a much wider problem.

MaxNormal · 01/09/2019 06:52

He doesn't sound that nice to me.
If I were you I'd leave him now rather than waiting till you've had babies and are no longer the higher earner and his behaviour has got a whole lot worse.
Also he's not "great round the house" if you're doing most of it.

Starstruck2020 · 01/09/2019 06:55

What time did the cat wake you up?

TitianaTitsling · 01/09/2019 07:00

Agree with adaline how bad really is your mess? had a flatmate who would describe her mess as 'some clothes and mugs' In reality there were dirty clothes discarded all over, there was hardly any clean crockery, so standing in cat food in the middle of the night (he'd just been woken too remember) would not place me in a happy mood! Have you asked him in the last 6 months if he's ok?

Monty27 · 01/09/2019 07:05

@adaline
I'm glad I'm not the only one.
Cat's stuff at over the place would drive me insane as being woken up in the night for a non emergency would

Original poster
Cathacker · 01/09/2019 09:01

But he doesn't get everything his way surely? If you want to live on an immaculate house, don't live with a messy person?
I didn't know it was a "non emergency". It sounded to me like the cat was choking and he just lay there.

OP posts:
MrsMozartMkII · 01/09/2019 09:05

It sounds like you're both unhappy.

You need a conversation, preferably on neutral territory. Open it up by asking him what's wrong (words to that effect) and go from there.

DogWorried · 01/09/2019 09:24

@cathacker
But he doesn't get everything his way surely? If you want to live on an immaculate house, don't live with a messy person?

But surely the same goes for you? If you want to live with 2 cats, don't live with someone who doesn't like them?

TitianaTitsling · 01/09/2019 09:30

There will be middle ground of just a clean and tidy home surely? Is his 'immaculate' sleeping with the enemy level or just putting things away? Is your 'messy' a towel and clothes on the floor while you dress after a shower, or piles of clothes and stuff?

Stompythedinosaur · 01/09/2019 09:38

You should be able to count on your dp's support in an emergency, whatever he feels about that cats. Lack of compassion is a hugely off putting trait.

My dp does not like my pet ducks. He thinks they are smelly and mud up the garden, and they don't come to him for strokes like they do for me. He still feeds them and lets them in and out if I am not here. He still holds them if I need to see an injury. He still has got up in the night to chase away a fox when they are quacking.

Original poster
Cathacker · 01/09/2019 09:41

@Stompythedinosaurq
Thank you. It just really made me want to cry tbh. Like I was alone and he wouldn't help me. I thought the cat was suffocating.

OP posts:
rosedream · 01/09/2019 09:43

It's not about how much house work you do or how much of the bills you pay it's about whether the person is emotionally engaging with you.

I think there may be something that doesn't feel right for him emotionally. How your relationship is going.

I would have a heart to hart with him.

rosedream · 01/09/2019 09:59

Heart - hart typo alert

Original poster
Cathacker · 01/09/2019 10:22

I'm just so fed up.

OP posts:
DogWorried · 01/09/2019 10:34

So is he. It doesn't sound like you're compatible. But YABU. You admit yourself you're messy and that this irritates your partner then you wake him up in the middle of the night for a non-emergency.

Are you dramatic at all? To me, you sound like you might be and your partner is getting fed up of it.

GrimalkinsCrone · 01/09/2019 10:42

How long have you been living together?
Because as others have said, one person’s ‘a bit untidy ‘ is another person’s slob and living in a dump.
You need to have a calm conversation about what you both find difficult and what you want to change. Specifics rather than ranting.
It is possible to live long and happily with someone who’s habits are different or opposite, but you need to talk and compromise. Or split.

GrimalkinsCrone · 01/09/2019 10:43

whose
autocorrect is a PITA

WillLokireturn · 01/09/2019 10:43

I think he has his feet under the table. And he doesn't care about your cats. Is he like this with other animals too? Or children? He didn't care that you were upset & frantic about your cat, is he sorry now or still annoyed at you?
His reaction shows he's irritable and unless you address it, then he will get worse. Can you sit and talk? If ultimately it's because he doesn't like living with cats or someone that's messy, then he's free to move. Partnerships should be compromising on both parts not treading on eggshells around the one that moved in. The cats were there first.

adaline · 01/09/2019 11:19

Equally why should you get your way and be able to leave a trail of rubbish around you? That's not fair on the other adult who has to live with you.

I would not be impressed if I came home to a trail of dirty mugs, clothes and whatnot just left lying around - it's disrespectful. You live with another person so it's nice to clean up after yourself and not leave the other person to do it for you.

If you want to be messy, live alone and don't inflict your mess on someone else.

areukiddingme · 01/09/2019 11:22

Is your name Angela and your partners name Dwight? And is one of your cats called Sprinkles? I do hope so 😀