To expect him to have helped with my cat

[Cathacker]

I'm so pissed off at "D"P. We live together and hes pretty good around the house, but let's get real: I do most of the everyday stuff like laundry and cooking. I also pay most of the bills because I earn more. Also we live in his choice of town. I am messier than him though, leave clothes and mugs lying around etc, although since living together I have tried to not let it get completely out of control as I would living alone.

One of the things I would once have said about him is what a kind gentle person he is. But lately, say the past 6 months, he's become so much less tolerant and especially of my cat. Today for example, my two cats food plates were on the floor in the kitchen and he walked into one. Instead of just tutting or whatever he shouted "for fucks sake" and then dragged the plate across the floor with his foot for a long time, which was really loud because the plate is crockery and the floor stone.

But just now was the worst. One of my cats has been off for the past 24 hours, just lethargic and not eating very much and I've been really worried. I just woke up to hear the cat making an awful sound, like trying to bring up a hairball. I suspect hes actually having trouble passing a large hairball, but having just woke up I panicked. I jumped out of bed and was like "DP help, I think he cant breathe". DP was just like "for fucks sake" really meanly.

I got out of bed, calmed down and started researching, and melted down some butter as this apparently can help the cat pass the hair. Ten minutes later DP got up and went out for a smoke, slamming the door really loudly.

Indont know guys. He makes me feel like I'm hard work and my cat annoys him (I have two). But really I don't ask for anything, just help me out when I need help maybe? Like okay, you've been woken up by my cat who isn't well. How about helping out and having some concern instead of acting like a child? I feel like hes a nice guy but also like I have to take responsibility for a lot alone. Isn't one of the points of a relationship that you're there to help each other out? Just feels like sometimes I may as well just be alone.

What do you reckon though? AIBU? Am I a pain in the arse?

Also we live in his choice of town.

Why?

I am messier than him though, leave clothes and mugs lying around etc,

Does this cause tension?

@areyoukiddingme. Their names are Ember, Milky Way, Diane, and Lumpy, (not forgetting Comstock and Phillip)!

Although I can't see Angela being messy!

Adeline makes a good point. But it's not clear if OP leaves 'a trail' of clothes and dirty mugs around. She might just leave yesterday's clothes on a chair and mug by the sink to wash up next morning, as peoples' idea of messy can vary hugely! ... Or she might be terribly messy.

They ought to sit and have a chat, as regardless of how messy OP can be, living together is about compromise on both sides and talking through things when either is starting to get annoyed.

Her cats are less equivicable though. Love the person you are living with, love their cats who were there first! (Or at least feign some compassion if it's their house)

But he doesn't get everything his way surely? If you want to live on an immaculate house, don't live with a messy person?

In the nicest possible way, perhaps this is what it's coming to. If you want to live messily, that's fine too - but probably not with someone that would like things clean/tidy.

To me this isn't about the cat bowl, or your cat being unwell (I hope they're better now!) but about tensions re different standards of keeping a home. Either standard is fine - but opposites don't necessarily work together.

Doesn’t matter if he’s annoyed with a messy house/doesn’t like cats. Taking it out on an innocent animal shows very bad character.

If he’s unhappy, being sulky and muttering swearwords rather than having a clam, sensible conversation with you about it (not just waiting for you to ask “what’s wrong?”) shows at best immaturity and at worst the start of controlling/coercive tendencies.

And I hate this assumption that people who like an “immaculate house” are automatically superior, and don’t have to talk about achieving a compromise that suits both parties. If one person’s “a bit untidy” is one else’s idea of “a novel” it’s equally true that one person’s “immaculate home” is another persons’ “sterile and oppressive environment”.

If he likes an immaculate house, and you already do more of the housework than him, he could easily just invest some of his time nd energy into making it more to his taste. And if he was a decent adult, he’d talk to you about that, welcoming your input on what makes you comfortable in the home, rather than taking out his ill temper on an innocent animal and on you.

This kind of behaviour is a massive red flag to me. If you talk to him about it and he mends his ways, fine. If he doesn’t, as PP say, think about how he’ll be if you have a child or you get ill. Will he get more controlling if you have to depend on him, will he mutter “for fuck’s sake” if the baby cries in the night and give you no help in that situation?

Will he become more and more exacting about standards and progress from “for fucks sake” to more sustained verbal abuse, coercion, threats and even violence?

Thank you for your replies. I am messy: I leave piles of clothes on the bathroom floor, for example. Purely because I'm lazy. I try to balance that by making sure the kitchen and living room are spotless and they are, except for the cat food plates.

We live in his choice of town to be close to his mother and he refuses to live anywhere else.

I just feel so despondent. It's like I have to change the way I live, change where I live, Ìm not happy but he'll never talk to me about how we can change our lives - for example living somewhere different or him changing jobs so we can have more financial stability and it doesn't always fall to me. He does pay his share but his share is much lower than mine because I earn more, but now things have caught up with me and I'm struggling. If I try to talk to him about moving or changing jobs, no matter how calmly or rationally, he loses his shit. He would never be violent, but he storms out and gets all mean when all ik doing is trying to talk about the future ad Express I'm not happy. So the result is I feel kind of gagged. The cats are just a symptom you're right. My attitude is like fucking hell, the one small easy thing you could do to help me and you cant even fcking do that.

So what then? I'm supposed to pay the Bill's, live next door to your fucking mother, keep a clean house and deal with my worries alone? Anything else you'd like me to fcking handle for you love?

Sorry You get the picture. I'm so upset and I've noticed I've been having two glasses of wine in the afternoon nowadays. I used to only have one or two in the evening.

In fairness to me the wine etc makes sense. I'm not allowed to Express how I really feel without it causing an argument so what else am I supposed to do with my feelings?

If he's like this with a cat what will he be like with kids? He needs to grow up or leave. But he may be depressed x

Just read your last post. He's a twat LTB.

LTB to me means leave the bar-stud

I’d move on without him, you don’t sound happy and you seem to be living in an oppressive, suppressive environment.
He’s stifling you, slowly.

The other day he was like "I had noticed you've been drinking more the past week or so" when I said I was worried about it. It's like right, so were you going to talk to me about it then, help me out?

I dunno though, maybe I am being unfair. Another poster said i sounded like a drama queen and maybe i am. He often says "you blow everything out of proportion".

@GrimalkinsCrone
Yeah that's what t feels like. It feels like I'm being "eroded". I barely recognise myself or my life anymore. At the same time he is a nice guy.

He's a "nice guy" not a nice guy. He's not listening to you and controlling what you do. Why can't you move? Are you married? Have a joint mortgage or is it yours?
What do you want to do OP?

Someone who doesn't respect my cats doesn't respect me. And that would be a deal breaker for me.

At the same time he is a nice guy.

So what? Like you say, you're living next door to his mother in a place you don't want to be with a man with little ambition paying through the nose for a lifestyle you're not choosing and repressing a desire to discuss anything important because the nice guy will kick off. Regardless of who is at fault this sounds no fun at all. Get rid.

He may well be a nice guy, I know a lot of nice guys that I couldn’t bear to live with, and men I’ve house-shared with and liked, but wouldn’t be in a relationship with.
Erosion of your Self is subtle but dangerous, and it creeps up over the years. Not for me, soul-destroying.

Also cats are better company than grumpy men.

You're just not compatible, you say yourself you leave piles of clothes on the bathroom floor because you're lazy. You say you do the most around the house but is that because it's your mess that needs to be cleared up? This isn't about cats he's lost patience with you. If what you pay is equitable with your income I don't see an issue eg you earn 70% of households income you pay 70% of outgoings. MN would expect this if you were male.
Why are you with him? You don't like his attitude, his desire to be close to family. You'd rather live in a messy house, you don't think he's understanding enough of your cat's hairball (I have a cat btw and test him like a minor member of royalty), you think he's grumpy because he said for fuck's sake twice.

(As would I if I put my foot in cat food and then had to get up in the early hours for cat drama). So just leave.

Whoah and now it's his job to monitor and challenge your drinking, yet if he did he'd get called controlling. Fuck that.

You don't sound very compatible. I think you need to have a serious chat with him and see if you can work it out. If neither of you are particularly happy, you are both just wasting your lives. Lots of people stay in relationships like this but you get one life and I think it should be happier than this. Talk to him.

@MonChatEstMagnifique
I love your name! I cant talk to him. Hes not interested in finding solutions. Hes happy with the way things are.

You don't sound happy, and neither does he.

I do most of the everyday stuff like laundry and cooking.

Why? I assume you both work FT because you earn more, so why doesn't he split the housework equally?

If he did more of the laundry and cooking, you would have more time/energy to pick up after yourself.

I'd leave him, you should be able to have a rational conversation about how you're feeling without him stropping off and acting like an arsehole. He's making you bottle it up and toeing the line so you don't piss him off and that's never good. By your own admission your sense of self is being eroded and you don't recognise the person you've become. It's ok to be sweary at putting your foot in cat food, I would too and I have cats. But acting like a twat, accusing you of being a drama queen (hello gaslighting!), refusing to compromise on location, I'd count your losses and run.