To expect him to have helped with my cat

[Cathacker]

I'm so pissed off at "D"P. We live together and hes pretty good around the house, but let's get real: I do most of the everyday stuff like laundry and cooking. I also pay most of the bills because I earn more. Also we live in his choice of town. I am messier than him though, leave clothes and mugs lying around etc, although since living together I have tried to not let it get completely out of control as I would living alone.

One of the things I would once have said about him is what a kind gentle person he is. But lately, say the past 6 months, he's become so much less tolerant and especially of my cat. Today for example, my two cats food plates were on the floor in the kitchen and he walked into one. Instead of just tutting or whatever he shouted "for fucks sake" and then dragged the plate across the floor with his foot for a long time, which was really loud because the plate is crockery and the floor stone.

But just now was the worst. One of my cats has been off for the past 24 hours, just lethargic and not eating very much and I've been really worried. I just woke up to hear the cat making an awful sound, like trying to bring up a hairball. I suspect hes actually having trouble passing a large hairball, but having just woke up I panicked. I jumped out of bed and was like "DP help, I think he cant breathe". DP was just like "for fucks sake" really meanly.

I got out of bed, calmed down and started researching, and melted down some butter as this apparently can help the cat pass the hair. Ten minutes later DP got up and went out for a smoke, slamming the door really loudly.

Indont know guys. He makes me feel like I'm hard work and my cat annoys him (I have two). But really I don't ask for anything, just help me out when I need help maybe? Like okay, you've been woken up by my cat who isn't well. How about helping out and having some concern instead of acting like a child? I feel like hes a nice guy but also like I have to take responsibility for a lot alone. Isn't one of the points of a relationship that you're there to help each other out? Just feels like sometimes I may as well just be alone.

What do you reckon though? AIBU? Am I a pain in the arse?

Living together is all about compromise and putting up with things you don't like about someone.

He has worn you down to the bone and sucking the life out of you. Fuck him.

Fuck what HE wants. If he wanted everything tidy then HE can clean up and HE can cook and HE can do all the laundry.

if he wants what he wants then HE can start paying half for all the bills.

If he wants what he wants then HE can go and live with his mother.

I also only keep the front room, kitchen and bathroom tidy and our bedroom is generally piles of clothes and generally mess until I wash them because all we do is sleep there. (the spare small bedroom is his "den"... I do not venture in there)

MrBC isn't a cat person, he will push them away if the 2 old girls try and sit next to him (he does have allergies) but he knew from the day we met I would always have cats and tolerates them.

3 years ago when one of my cats died (a kitten HE actually bought home as no one wanted him) he came home from an important meeting to be with me telling everyone that "our" cat has died and needed to go home and last year when we lost our little 9 month old kitten (another unwanted one) to FIP (in less than 48hours) he wept at the vets... actually snotty sob tears. He has never seen an animal die before and couldn't understand why the vet couldn't save him.

Both times he helped me bury them.

THAT is how a "non cat" partner shows me support and shows me he loves me.

Your "darling partner" is a "dick partner".

You don't have to live like this. Either kick him out or move to a smaller place with your fur babies. You don't need someone like like in your life.

He is making you miserably and life is too short xxx

He’d be gone.
If you don’t care about my pets then you’re gone.
If my ‘dp’ did this he’d be out the door.

He's not someone you could have kids with and personally I don't think he's good enough for you.

This more poor recent behaviour is likely to get worse...

I would get irritable if I trod in/on a cat bowl too.

However, I would definitely be sympathetic and kind if a cat was in difficulty or choking.

What you need to understand is that not everyone has the same affection for animals as you do. I love animals and have always been brought up to see pets as part of the family and it’s been instilled in me since I was a child that if you have a pet you must love and care for it no matter what. I would feel exactly the same way you do about your cat. But a lot of people just don’t see it like that (as is clear from posts on Mumsnet from people who want to rehome dogs and cats as soon as they become inconvenient or the kids lose interest) and maybe your DP just doesn’t see the cats as a priority like you do. To him, it’s ‘only a cat’ and he can’t see why it needs so much attention. He also sounds quite childish to be honest - he doesn’t seem to want to have much responsibility for anything or to inconvenienced.

Has he ever lived with anyone before? Because it sounds like he might just prefer living on his own.

He doesn't sound worth the misery he's causing you, lifes to short to put up with that. And what a shame for the poor cats having no choice about living with him, I hope he's not mean to them when you're not around.

I do have to step in here and say that he IS affectionate to the cats. He would definitely help me for example bury them as one poster said. I just thought it was a bit mean when the cat sounded like it was choking to be pissed off at being woken up. I mean, get over it? A living being is in difficulty, that kind of trumps your sleep, sorry. And yes, I would absolutely feel the same way if he had a dog for example and the situation was reversed.

I just talked to him about it (we've been blanking each other all day) and he was like "well what did you want me to do about it? It was 1 in the morning". I dont know? Keep me company as I tried to figure it out?

Tbh the cat is just an image I'm realising. It's about his life being comfy whilst I'm frustrated.

He was disrespectful as well as unhelpful. Do you want kids with this guy?

I wish we could have the other side of the story on MN! You do sound a bit of a drama llama to be honest, that with the mess, cat food bowls left on the kitchen floor (why aren't they fed and then bowls picked up?) and your general attitude neither of you can be happy. He certainly doesn't sound happy despite you saying he is

He sounds like a prick.

He’s not nice and gentle.

@Dljlr
I've saved your comment to my phone because you've basically perfectly summarised my situation without the emotional layers and I'm very grateful for that.

@WhyBirdStop

I dont expect him to control my drinking. But the past fortnight I have told him two or three times I am deeply unhappy and feeling really down.

I think if the roles were reversed I would be taking him in my arms and being like "look, what's going on? You're telling me you're seriously unhappy and I've noticed you are drinking, let's talk about this".

Basically I feel really alone and stranded. I dont feel understood. I dont actually care if that makes me a drama queen. So be it, I'm a messy drama queen.

Anyway, gotta go and make lasagna, because in this house, if I dont cook then we dont eat (or we go to the chipper).

You are not compatible. He prefers a tidy house, you are, by your own admission, lazy and messy. There is no compromise here. I could not live with someone who just leaves their clothes in a pile on the bathroom floor, or who would leave dirty dishes lying around. He obviously doesn't have the same compassion for your cats as you do. Things won't get better unless one of you completely change, and that's unlikely. Living together has given you both an insight into what the other is willing to put up with/compromise on. However it appears that its just not working out for you both and it may be best to split now and give each other the chance to find someone more compatible.

I mean, if I'm doing all the cooking, all the laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher (he does the food shop but I have to give him a list and I hate it because he says "do you need anything?" Like no, WE need stuff), then why dont you pick up my clothes if it's that much of a big deal you?

Sorry I'm just ranting now, I do realise that...!

Honestly it sounds like the cat thing is the least of your problems.

I cant talk to him. Hes not interested in finding solutions. Hes happy with the way things are.

But you matter too and you're not happy.

If that isn't important to him then can you really stay in a relationship with him? If it carries on like this, the resentment will keep building until you don't like him much at all.

Oh dear OP you're describing a lot of what I had with my Ex who I still lovingly refer to as Dickhead. He was a control freak, everything had to be done his way otherwise he would have a massive strop - if I even dared to stand up for myself or say that this wasn't how a relationship should be - I was the drama queen, the psycho, the problem etc.

I cleaned our house like Cinderella every day despite us both working FT and if I dared to miss anything or leave something out of place he would give me one hell of a hard time... but I was young and naive and kept "working at it" I convinced myself I had to change, but did he ever lift a finger without pressure from me? Did he fuck.

My wake up call came from the same thing you describe, his horrible attitude towards my lovely cats, the only companions I had at the time that I actually felt valued my existence. When I caught him kicking one because she was so nervous around him she weed in the hallway that was it, that was the moment of "what the fuck am I doing here?"

I left, leaving myself in massive debt as he had coerced me into buying a house straight away rather than renting a place to see if we were compatible enough to live together. He took almost all my money each month claiming it to my half of the mortgage, ground rent, bills, food etc. when I finally decided to look into it, it turned out I had been paying for everything whilst he pissed his monthly wage up the wall.

I'm not saying your situation is the same, but if you can say honestly that this man is sucking the life out of you and you're actually more loving towards your cats than him, get him gone OP and start putting yourself back together into the person you want to be

You haven't explained why he doesn't do half of the housework?

if I'm doing all the cooking, all the laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher ... then why dont you pick up my clothes if it's that much of a big deal you?

Why don't you tell him to start doing the laundry, or take over doing the dishwasher, and you pick up your clothes instead?

@LannieDuck Because I'm at home earlier so it just makes sense for me to do it...

I could not be with anyone who wasn’t kind to cats. He’s showing you how he feels. Believe him!

You've been suckered in well and proper haven't you?

YOU have CHOSEN to revolve your whole life around him and cater to HIS wants/needs.
You live in his HIS chosen location - and he refuses to compromise.
You finance pretty much of everything - because he refuses to change jobs/earn more.

You do the majority of the housework.

He EXPECTS you to take on all the responsibility on your own.
He CHOOSES not to support you, listen to you or work WITH you so you both are living the kind of life you'd like.

Does that sound like someone who loves and respects you?
Does he sound like the kind of father you want for YOUR future kids?

Spend the time that you're home early, picking up your mess. Then the joint housework is split evenly.

You're both adults, and you both work FT... you both need to pull your own weight.

Absolutely agree with lannieduck... So he then takes over the 'joint' housework and you just have to stop or clear up your own scattering? That's not equal either!