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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that any man can have an affair?

81 replies

TamaraDeLempicka · 30/08/2019 22:25

But some don’t. What stops them?

I know a man who is married but says he’s never been in love. Has kids. I think is concerned about his reputation. He met a woman, developed feelings for her but didn’t have an affair. What stopped him but not other men? Sex drive? Fear? Wholesomeness?

I always thought that any man would have an affair if he thought he could get away with it. AIBU?

OP posts:
LetsTryToLetGoOfAnger · 30/08/2019 23:13

Apparently in some people's minds, it is only the idea they will get caught that stops people stealing. It is sad that this seems an intuitive view of the world for so many people...

This is why we need laws, to protect the weak from the weak of character.

Original poster
TamaraDeLempicka · 30/08/2019 23:23

What stops people stealing?
I have no interest in stealing. I have what I need. I wouldn’t get a high from it. There’s the risk of prison. But I do like the analogy.

OP posts:
Singletomingle · 30/08/2019 23:23

Surely any person can have an affair? But I think men are more likely to cheat because they associate physical attraction and sex with love, often we marry because of lust and misunderstand this to be love.

IamtheOA · 30/08/2019 23:25

So can any woman. Women are better liars than men
?

LolaSmiles · 30/08/2019 23:27

I think anyone is capable of considering or potentially having an affair in the right circumstances, whether they act on it also probably depends on a range of factors.

whattodowith · 30/08/2019 23:28

Of the 4 relationships I have had, 3 have cheated.

Maybe you have low self esteem and always choose the arseholes?

I’ve had three serious relationships in my life, only one cheated but that was when I was very young and had pretty low self esteem. Cheating was not the worst thing he did to me, he was otherwise abusive. My two other serious relationships were marriages and neither were or have been unfaithful. Not all men want to cheat at all.

flyingspaghettimonster · 30/08/2019 23:49

I knew a man who had about 2 major crushes a year on other women. To the point of being totally obsessed with them and even cried because he wanted them so badly. He never even kissed any of them, although if he were my husband I would have considered the things he said and wrote tot bese women as cheating regardless. Throughout it all though he has always loved his wife and would never consider leaving her. I think he just likes falling in love. So glad he isn't my husband, for all the flowers and heaped praises he posts on social media about his wife.

Agelikewine · 30/08/2019 23:55

I certainly don’t think any man can have an affair. The world is full of dull, overweight, bald, unattractive middle-aged man who would find it almost impossible to get a woman to voluntarily sleep with them, hence the size of the sex industry.

They pay for it because they can’t get it for free.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 30/08/2019 23:59

Love stops them I’m not sure I think that’s quite it. I think people can and do cheat on people they love. I don’t think people cheat on someone they respect.
I love my dh. I will never cheat on him but I know that has as much, or more, to do with respect than love. I respect him, our marriage, our children/family. I wouldn’t cheat on any of that.
I did occasionally cheat on boyfriends when I was younger but I married dh because I could tell it was a different type of love and I think that’s because I respect him so much.

bamboocat · 31/08/2019 00:10

YABU.

StoneofDestiny · 31/08/2019 00:24

I always thought that any man would have an affair if he thought he could get away with it. AIBU?

No. Most men aren't morally bankrupt. Most have evolved past just thinking life is about scratching their sexual urges. Love, loyalty and respect are pretty common features in most marriages, and partnerships.

BogglesGoggles · 31/08/2019 00:28

Well some men have morality, self respect, self control etc etc. Realistically most men could get away with an affair if put the effort in. Hell, I could easily get away with it. But I’d never debate myself that way, not mistreat my husband/the lover.

NeelixFelicis · 31/08/2019 00:40

Maybe he’s lying about the depth of his feelings for the mother of his children.

Maybe but why do that?

Cognitive dissonance OP. Nobody wants to think they are a shitty person, so they rationalise their shitty choices to justify their actions.
It's why so many OW/OM say they essentially rescued their DP from a loveless marriage. That's the lines they are fed. "I haven't felt loved in years...I just stay for the DC...we don't even have sex any more".

No cheat ever approached a woman and said "I'm looking forward to seeing my DW tonight, I'm a lucky guy. She makes me happy, and we have two beautiful DCs...you fancy a fuck?"

PeterthePainter · 31/08/2019 00:57

No, not all men can have affairs many refuse to even consider the idea.

Apart from issues of keeping faith with your DW/DP there is also the fact that, from what I have seen, having an affair is a hell of a lot of bother and sweat, for what exactly?

dollydaydream114 · 31/08/2019 00:58

All the OP's posts sound like lines from a really bad, steamy 80s TV mini-series starring Stephanie Beecham or something.

Woodlandwitch · 31/08/2019 08:37

On a basic level, to answer the specific question...

In theory yes, as it is also possible for any female to have an affair

x2boys · 31/08/2019 08:42

The men that have affairs are having affairs with women ( assuming of course they are not having same sex affairs) so women must cheat too?

PositiveVibez · 31/08/2019 08:52

I’m not sure. Of the 4 relationships I have had, 3 have cheated. I know lots of people having affairs

You need new mates/dating pools.

The guy you are talking about sounds like an absolute cock.

Total r/niceguy material.

mydogisthebest · 31/08/2019 08:54

Some people (men and women) would not have an affair because they have morals.

I know I could never have an affair because I think infidelity is totally wrong. I could never have that on my conscience. I also would never hurt my DH because I love and respect him. DH feels the same way too.

LetsTryToLetGoOfAnger · 31/08/2019 12:12

What stops people stealing?
I have no interest in stealing. I have what I need. I wouldn’t get a high from it. There’s the risk of prison. But I do like the analogy.

Nowhere in your answer does the idea occur that it's morally wrong to steal, or that it is not you to behave so dishonestly.

This is what underlies your belief that everyone else behaves despicably if they feel like it, unless they will get caught. It's not everyone else, it's you.

flashingbeacon · 31/08/2019 12:19

I think I must have been brought up by chimps. If I start wanting to shag someone else, more than an idle thought, the relationship is over, why would you stay?
Dh is the same. How do I know? Cause he left his first wife when he realised he was wanted to be with someone else (not me).
It’s a weird one, if dh told me he had cheated or wanted to it would be over for me in that instant.

OooErMissus · 31/08/2019 20:55

The men that have affairs are having affairs with women ( assuming of course they are not having same sex affairs) so women must cheat too?

Not if the women are single.

londonrach · 31/08/2019 20:57

Yes they can as can ever woman. We human!

bumblingbovine49 · 31/08/2019 21:11

Some.people don't care about being in love. If you have never been ' in love',.does that mean you can never marry? I think.as long as you are happy in a relationship that has mutual respect and kindness and maybe even reasonable sex, why would you throw that away ? Even if you are offered sex or affection, you are probably getting that at home, why look elsewhere just for the novelty?

museumum · 31/08/2019 21:25

I do not see the attraction of affairs. At this stage of life I can’t think of anything worse than “dating” or shagging strangers / ONSs so an affair honestly holds no appeal. If I need an adrenaline rush I’d go bungee jumping.