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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that any man can have an affair?

81 replies

TamaraDeLempicka · 30/08/2019 22:25

But some don’t. What stops them?

I know a man who is married but says he’s never been in love. Has kids. I think is concerned about his reputation. He met a woman, developed feelings for her but didn’t have an affair. What stopped him but not other men? Sex drive? Fear? Wholesomeness?

I always thought that any man would have an affair if he thought he could get away with it. AIBU?

OP posts:
hazandduck · 30/08/2019 22:46

@TamaraDelempicka well the reason he may lie is to still keep this woman he has confided about his marriage to on side, it probably flatters his ego even if it isn’t a physical affair.

hazandduck · 30/08/2019 22:46

But it does sound like he’s not interested in an affair with you and is trying to let you down gently maybe.

Original poster
TamaraDeLempicka · 30/08/2019 22:47

Yeah, I think he probably likes an ego boost.

OP posts:
WhatsMyPassword · 30/08/2019 22:47

So can any woman. Women are better liars than men.

tinkerbellla · 30/08/2019 22:48

Love stops them. What do you think?!

FairyDust92 · 30/08/2019 22:49

If my partner developed feelings for someone else I'd class that as an affair. Of course some wouldn't but he must have had a connection with her. Surely that's just an emotional affair so he did have an affair...

Original poster
TamaraDeLempicka · 30/08/2019 22:49

Totally agree that this could apply to women too.

OP posts:
FairyDust92 · 30/08/2019 22:50

Also are you the women you are describing? 🙄

Original poster
TamaraDeLempicka · 30/08/2019 22:50

Love stops them. What do you think?!
Yes clearly it would but what if they’re not in love as stated above?

OP posts:
Original poster
TamaraDeLempicka · 30/08/2019 22:51

I agree. I think he had an emotional affair with her.

I’m not describing myself.

OP posts:
hazandduck · 30/08/2019 22:51

Yeah, I think he probably likes an ego boost. Most people do!
Don’t sell yourself short waiting around for someone else’s husband to leave.

hazandduck · 30/08/2019 22:51

Sorry Op just saw your update it’s not you.

LetsTryToLetGoOfAnger · 30/08/2019 22:54

Any person who chooses to behave like a sack of crap does things because they think they can get away with it.

There are actually loads of people who have the common decency not to rip the hearts of out of the people who love them in this way. They're not quite as much a mythical creature as we're all supposed to believe.

RJnomore1 · 30/08/2019 22:54

Jesus, this bloke is the worst type of cunt, painting himself as a martyr and then when he does sleep with his prey it’s her fault for being too irresistible cos he’s a good bloke who doesn’t do that (even though he does)

WorraLiberty · 30/08/2019 22:55

I didn’t think it was sexist. I thought it was just the biology of things.

Then why pick one sex over another? Confused

Original poster
TamaraDeLempicka · 30/08/2019 22:57

I mentioned men because I think about men in that way (as a straight female).

OP posts:
IAmALazyArse · 30/08/2019 22:59

You had an emotional affair apparently. What stopped you from cheating?

Nancydrawn · 30/08/2019 22:59

The biological excuse is just that--an excuse. It's excusing the behavior of destroying people you care about. Even if there was some sort of programming, and I think it's largely bullshit, everyone has urges that they control and/or ignore. This is why we don't, you know, pee on the table at a dinner party.

Rachelle11 · 30/08/2019 23:00

So you think men have no morals? How is that not bloody offensive?

My father and brother and serial adulterers. It's embarrassing and awful, and I have overcome massive trust issues. I have never assumes all men are like them though. I assume immoral jerks are like them.

GibbonLover · 30/08/2019 23:01

Perhaps the thought of what he stands to lose in a divorce is stopping him. You've already mentioned concern for his reputation and seeing as though he has DC, he may not want to risk upsetting them.

Furrydogmum · 30/08/2019 23:02

Are you in education or law enforcement? Surely anyONE is capable of having an affair and personal values and morals allow or stop a person doing so..

OooErMissus · 30/08/2019 23:06

I would agree that there's no particular type of person who would have an affair, and any person could potentially have one.

However, I know I will never cheat on DH, as I love, like and respect him - and our DC - too much.

And I say this as someone who has cheated in the past.

With DH, there's just no way I'd ever cheat. I believe he would say the same. Could he cheat on me? Well, yes of course - I can't 100% guarantee he would never cheat, but I live life in the reasonable certainty that he won't. For the same reasons I won't.

Before we got together, his Mum was in hospital having had a heart attack. In the waiting room, with his Dad, his Dad said to him, 'if you ever met anyone half as good as your Mum, hold onto her with both hands and never let her go'. He told me this.

Some people are actually in happy relationships, where it's less fundamentally about love, and much, much more about like. When you like the person you're committed to for life, you don't want to hurt them, and you make your choices based on that.

So no, not all men (people) would cheat, given the chance, or knowing they could get away with it.

LetsTryToLetGoOfAnger · 30/08/2019 23:07

The biological excuse is just that--an excuse. It's excusing the behavior of destroying people you care about. Even if there was some sort of programming, and I think it's largely bullshit, everyone has urges that they control and/or ignore. This is why we don't, you know, pee on the table at a dinner party.

Indeed - urges or even "needs" are not an automatic excuse for sexual or romantic incontinence that goes outside the relationship.

Original poster
TamaraDeLempicka · 30/08/2019 23:07

What stopped you from cheating?
I knew that it was pointless as it would ultimately destroy us.

OP posts:
Namenic · 30/08/2019 23:11

What stops people stealing?