To be dreading the return to school

[relax2]

Afternoon all
I'm a normal poster but have name changed incase this is outing

I am absolutely dreading the return to school for my 10 year old daughter . She has no friends at all at school and is always left out . She's much older than her years and quite socially awkward which makes friendships so hard . She can also be intense but incredibly sensitive . We had a terrible time with friends last year and I spent a lot of time in school asking for support but they say there isn't anything they can do , they can't make the kids be friends with her .

She has started with meltdowns in the last few days which I know is the apprehension of school re starting . I'm trying to reassure her and have given her some play time tasks to do if she's left out but all I want to do is keep her home and teach her myself to save the heartache of her literally feeling like she's alone all the time (30 hours a week at school is a lot to be alone)

We have tried clubs etc but I live in a very small area and all the same kids go to the same stuff so no matter where she goes the same kids leave her out :(

Anyone else going through this with their child that can alleviate my worry or AIBU to be so worried?!

Thanks :)

Have you had her assessed for Asperger’s?

Is there some way she could get some sort of social skills training?

Ah you must be so anxious for her. Sounds like my dd except mine isn't too worried about being alone. I'm guessing they've tried buddying her up with someone?

@WitchesGlove I'm almost sure she is Aspergers but school won't support a referral , she is so good at school and just bottled it all in then comes home and we have hell!!

Tried to get her some buddies , tried to move her classes , invited girls over for play dates/ days out , nothing works . They just don't want to let her join in and leave her out . They save seats on trips etc , on a school trip away she had to buddy up with the teacher because no one would sit with her :( breaks my heart but she doesn't want to move school and this year is her last one before high school so is crucial for friendships :(

I wish I could homeschool but I have to work so I can't and I know that isn't the answer :(

If school won't support a referral get gp to do so / speak to camhs or autistic charity for advice.
Can't school do some social skills things with DC I know someone whom DC has 'friendship lessons' in small groups to help.

Maybe she should move schools and have a fresh start?

Sounds very similar to my dss. It is so hard to watch. One positive thing is that secondary was much easier for him. He had no friends in primary, heading into y8 next week and it is the first time he has ever been excited to hang out with friends. Fingers crossed for your dd.

If she really can't move or doesn't want to I would absolutely work on her social skills or the chances are that the same problem is going to rear its head in secondary school.

Does she realise she is 'different' to the average child her age? I don't mean that in a negative way but if you can pick up on the things that other kids find hard with her she can try to work on them.

So for example with her being too intense. How does that manifest itself? Could you work on her watching other peoples social cues and realising when she is getting too much? So other people looking distracted or trying to move away from the conversation could be a cue for her to pass the conversation back to them or ask them what they want to 'play' or talk about.

Likewise with being sensitive. How do you mean? Does she get upset over things other kids would brush off? Could you do some resilience work with her and practice scenarios where if she is upset she puts it on a scale and only once it reaches a 6/7 she can escalate it to an adult.

It sounds awful for her and you sound like a very good mother.

Your poor daughter and poor you. Have you any friends with children of a similar age that she could mix with?

This might sound strange but is she happy playing on her own? Is it the social pressure that gets to her of everyone thinking she should have friends? One of my brothers is quite socially awkward but that’s just part of him he is happier alone than trying to be fit in and Be part of it all

I really feel for you both. Have you googled 'Social stories' & 'Comic book conversations' - Carol Gray? It might be helpful.

school won't support a referral , she is so good at school and just bottled it all in then comes home and we have hell!!

I agree with Butterfly02 Go and see your GP and ask for a referral for assessment. Take a list of her behaviours and note she's being socially excluded and how long it's been going on. explain masking at school and melting down at home.

This is a really common scenario for girls on the spectrum, socially isolated at school, school useless not supportive as the girl is academically able and not disruptive, parents dealing with the meltdown at the end of the school day as she's totally overwhelmed by masking all day.

Thanks all for replies . So I have a best friend whose daughter is the same age but they clash, my DD is quite forward and sees herself as older than the others- my friend DD still enjoys dolls which is lovely but my DD hasn't played for years she finds playing babyish.
I have no idea where to start with social lessons .
In terms of sensitive she literally takes everything to heart , she's a huge overthinker and worries about what other people say . I would actually say she's an empath and can "feel" how people think and feel about her she's hugely in touch with her emotions .
With regards to being intense , she questions everything , she's very play by the rules and if something isn't right she will absolutely speak up and have an arguement , she can hold her own and others don't like this.
I can't help but feel it's her that is socially the issue as even where we live there's only 4 girls and they won't let her play either!!
She's tried hockey , gym, drama , swimming , football, rugby and can't hack any because she finds people irritating and gets angry!!

Thanks so much for all the supportive replies it's so nice to hear other ideas . I have suggested moving but she's hugely against it and I'm apprehensive because of the issues we have outside school :(

@sixtimes thank you I'll look at that :)

I'd see of there are any groups for autistic girls - she needs to find her people. Def social skills practise

www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/gender/stories.aspx

I should add that she can get on with older kids!! She loves being around my friends daughter who is 15 and just so lovely with her but it's not really cool for my friends daughter lol and we only see her a couple of times a year!

@Waveysnail thank you

I hate the thought of a lonely child. I know school can't force friendships but I would like to think they would encourage children not to blatantly leave a child out so they are not alone all of the time.is she having a new ass teacher this term? Could you get an appointment with her early and see if she can come up with ideas of ways of either making your daughter included more or activities /jobs she could do at lunch, if your daughter would prefer that?

I second what a pp said about things being better at high school. My cousin really struggled with primary as he was "older than his years" but he met some more like minded children once he got to year 8 and things massively improved for him.

Just another thought - could you suggest that she helps out with the little ones (Reception & year 1) at lunch & break time? It would keep her busy & might help to boost her self esteem

Samantha Croft’s autism in women and girls list..
Have a look .doctor can refer you to camhs .
Don’t force her to go ,you will make things worse,just ring in each day and say she is school refusing ( unless she does just happily go).school will have to offer support with school refusing,basically whatever state your child is in at school ,they will tell you she is fine ..only when you can physically get them in to school do you get help.
There is a very good Facebook page called
Not fine in school
I’ve had excellent support from that group x ask to join x

Can’t physically get them in ..not can ..sorry

You say that you live in a very small area, sounds like that doesn’t suit your DD. If she 10 she will going to secondary soon enough, try and get her into a big secondary with lots of different types of kids from all walks of life.

She is having a new teacher but they said they don't want me to go in until oct half term and give her time to settle. I am giving her work to do at lunch as she wants to prepare for 11+ test (I don't want her to go to the private school but she is desperate to try) so that may keep her busy.
I suggested the younger ones idea but school said no as the others will want to do that too.

I'll look at the group thanks so much:) she's a star pupil at school , she doesn't trust them so literally gets on with work and doesn't moan at all but by Friday we have a terrible weekend, her meltdowns last hours and hours.
She wouldn't ever refuse school unless I gave her the option (which I can't as have no childcare which sounds bloody awful I know but if I don't work we don't pay for the house)

@Kublai the high school is huge! 1200 pupils. Her primary is big too but the area isn't massive so many of the children go to the same out of school activities

Have you tried a book called

"The unwritten rules of friendship"

.it has really useful advice and tips and exercises to practice with you..

@bumblingbovine49 no I'll check it out thank you :)