To be dreading the return to school

[relax2]

Afternoon all
I'm a normal poster but have name changed incase this is outing

I am absolutely dreading the return to school for my 10 year old daughter . She has no friends at all at school and is always left out . She's much older than her years and quite socially awkward which makes friendships so hard . She can also be intense but incredibly sensitive . We had a terrible time with friends last year and I spent a lot of time in school asking for support but they say there isn't anything they can do , they can't make the kids be friends with her .

She has started with meltdowns in the last few days which I know is the apprehension of school re starting . I'm trying to reassure her and have given her some play time tasks to do if she's left out but all I want to do is keep her home and teach her myself to save the heartache of her literally feeling like she's alone all the time (30 hours a week at school is a lot to be alone)

We have tried clubs etc but I live in a very small area and all the same kids go to the same stuff so no matter where she goes the same kids leave her out :(

Anyone else going through this with their child that can alleviate my worry or AIBU to be so worried?!

Thanks :)

@relax2 That is good news. I know how you feel my DD2 is as you describe but her older brother is very popular and is liked by everyone so she feels like even more of a loser. But I have seen how everyone can find their ‘tribe’ in secondary and things will get better. Yr6 goes really quicker.

I'm a long time reader of MN but your post compelled me to create an account as I'm in a similar situation to you except my DC is going though assessment.

YANBU.

I have no words of advice but will be watching for ideas and inspiration. But just wanted to say you're not alone.

@Kublai thank you. I hope it does , I can't tell you how much I'm trying to hold my tears in for her tonight as she starts worrying , trying my best to be the calmest most reassuring mummy . @zxcvhjkl thank you for creating an account to write to me , I'm glad you have , this post has shown me how kind MN readers can me , even on AIBU, I am so grateful for all the replies tonight x

@zxcvhjkl sorry forgot to say good luck with the assessment , I would love to hear if you get a positive outcome x

That's sad that school won't let her help out with the younger children - I work in Early years and have seen how Junior children coming down to 'help us out' benefits everyone. The little kids love having the big kids to play & get so excited when they arrive. The juniors feel ten feet tall with all the fuss! I'm sure they could do a rota for those who want to help - sounds like it's too much trouble for them.

SNChat and SNChildren boards on MN are a great source of support and information.

No advice, just understanding. My 11 year old has sensory processing disorder and is an ambulatory wheelchair user. He is going to secondary school next week with no funding and I'm so scared for him.

@elliejjtiny oh bless him :( are the high school supportive at all? High school can be awful however my son has had a lovely experience so far . I hope your son finds some nice friends xx

My DS is similar, spent his whole primary school years walking around the play ground on his own. Feel so sad for him. He also gets stress at home when back to school is imminent, though he would be so high functioning CAMHS wouldn’t be interested. He may also just need to find his people, I don’t know! But you’re not alone (I though we were alone, I don’t see any other kids on their own in the play ground for 7 years)

I'm sorry your daughter is having such a hard time it's so difficult to watch it isn't it?

Just another thought, and apologies if you have already tried/thought of this, what about local groups that include adults/older kids? For example an amateur dramatic group?

When I was a little older than your daughter, my uncle died. I was very close to him and my aunty and it really hit me hard. I did have friends at school but I felt like they didn't get it. I joined a local drama group that consisted predominantly of adults and it really helped. I was mature for my age and got on well with them. Perhaps something similar might help your daughter?

My daughter is 11 and just starting secondary, she has Asperger's (although not diagnosed as that anymore). She's exactly the same, has struggled so badly with friendships and unwritten rules. I'm terrified about her starting secondary on Tuesday, but I will home school if necessary. Her MH took an absolute bashing with bullying and exclusion in the last couple of years, and it's not going to carry on in secondary. I've said we'll give it until Christmas and then see how it's going. I hope your daughter has a better yr 6, it's so tough xx

Are you sure it isn't worth trying a new school? If you did that the school would almost certainly buddy her up with one of the friendlier girls and by 10 I am sure her buddy would be kind and try and include her. You could try and prep her as much as possible on developing friendships. Isn't it at least worth a try?

I get that you live in a small place but there must be other towns/villages nearby.

@Pheasantplucker2 oh bless her , my DD Mh has taken a bash last year too. So awful to watch. @Sunshine93 I am happy to contemplate another school but she is dead against it , not sure the upheaval in her last year is helpful and also all the kids end up in the same high school.

What do you mean she doesn’t trust them? Who doesn’t she trust the teachers? How does your daughter feel about not having a any friends?

Sorry not being goady jus trying to figure out how your daughter is feeling in all this, what does she say about the situation?

The school sounds fucking hopeless.
They are aware that exclusion is bullying, so They’re brushing bullying under the carpet. I’m not in the least it surprised she doesn’t want to be there. No teacher would accept it for their child. You need to kick up a huge stink and escalate this op. Children don’t go to school to be abused and allowing bullying to continue is abuse.

My DD was diagnosed with ASD (would have been Aspergers when that was still diagnosed). She had severe behaviour problems at school but the school still didn’t suggest a referral. I did it myself via the GP. She was assessed at school as part of the diagnostic pathway.

Can you go to the GP with your concerns?

Go to your GP. I did. My daughter has always been perfectly behaved at school, but something didn’t quite fit. Finally I plucked up the courage to make an appointment. Went by myself and said I was concerned about my daughter’s lack of social skills and meltdowns. He referred her to CAHMS (had to wait 8 weeks for appt). They have put her forward for autism testing (3/4 month wait). I wish I’d started the process years ago.

Everyone I’ve spoken to has been very positive and supportive. Even if she doesn’t get any extra support at school, it’ll help my daughter understand herself a bit better.

@MazDazzle Wow, that's a really quick appointment, depending on the area you live in, it's more often 18 months to 2 years between referral and a NHS diagnosis. Well done!

This is good for helping kids to understand the spectrum
the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

and this one's more for adults theaspergian.com/2019/05/04/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/

@Witchinaditch she just means they talk to each other and make out she's being dramatic. Many of them are parents to the children or friends with the parents of the mean kids etc.

From the schools perspective they're saying they have no issues , she never ever reports the kids being mean to them so they can't really do anything about it which makes sense .

I just feel for her , I will go to GP if only for help with her anxiety . She feels different to other kids but to be honest the girls in her year are so bitchy . She went to a class this morning which she starts before summer and enjoys but when she walked in they all huddled together and didn't speak to her or look at her.

She's a real lost soul . Heartbreaking and wish it was me again and not her.

If you get nowhere with getting her referred for ASD assessment then I would seriously consider going private. Getting my dd diagnosed was the best thing we did for her because it gave her a much better understanding of herself and how she fits into the world. It was like lifting a huge load off her shoulders. We were lucky enough not to need to go private in the end but it was a long battle. At school, she was doing well academically and wasn't naughty so they didn't see a need to refer her (until her lovely y6 teacher fought for her), the fact she was utterly miserable didn't seem to matter.