To get upset about women who judge me for being friends with their partners

[sugar88]

Just wanted to throw this out there as a different perspective.

I'm a woman who is working in a very male dominated industry and who studied a male dominated course at uni. I'm really not often around women.

Because of this, as you'd expect, most of my friends are men. I have 1 good female friend from school and probably 6 or so "good" male friends (to the extent you'd make an effort to message, catch up and meet up every so often etc) and my wider group of friends are mostly male.

I'd like some more female company as I do have a girly side who wants to dress up and go out which I don't really get to do with my male friends. I've found it hard to make female friends because 1) I don't meet many and 2) I seem to automatically get judged by women because I'm around men a lot of the time.

It also makes me reluctant to sustain friendships with some of my good male friends when they get partners as I never ever want to cause any problems or jealousy in a friend's relationship. I know for some women they are uncomfortable with partners spending time with other women. If I find out that this is the case I most definitely (but upsettingly) back away. It upsets me because I have lost great friends at no fault of my own. I even had a male work colleague admit his girlfriend despised me once and they've had arguments simply because she found out I was the only woman in his team. I never even met her, I didn't have her boyfriends number, I was in a long term relationship, I wouldn't even have considered him a friend and I never contacted him outside of work. It upsets me, imagine just turning up to your job everyday and working as anyone would and being hated from afar for it.

I've never even fancied any of my good male friends, and they've honestly never made moves on me. I've never had sex or even kissed someone who's not been my boyfriend. I've also only had 2 boyfriends in my entire life (I'm 26). In fact, I very rarely come across men I feel any more than friendship towards, I guess because I'm so used to being friends with guys.

I normally make an effort to get to know any male friends partners by inviting them to come to any meet ups we have as a friendship group to make sure they get to know me and I can get to know them/get a sense of their boundaries in an attempt to avoid any issues.

I sometimes go round male friends houses, they come round mine, have a cuppa, play video games, usual friendly stuff that a guy might do with another guy I guess.
I had a long term relationship which was mutually ended recently (not for anything dramatic, really nice guy it just ended up not working out) and he had no problem with this. I obviously did not have problems with him having female friends either. On a number of occasions he's invited over female friends (which I also knew quite well) while I wasn't there, sometimes he cooked them dinner and they ate and catched up etc etc etc. Some people think I'm crazy for "allowing" things like this but I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone I didn't fully trust and would be a hippocrite from stopping partners from having female friends and wouldn't think to do that anyway as it doesn't bother me.

I even had someone suggest once that I chose my career just to be around men (what?????)
I'm tired of being judged from the get go for this. At the same time I fully appreciate that there's many women out there that have been cheated on and find it hard to trust their partners completely. I don't get annoyed at women feeling like this, I just treat it as a sad reality of my life that I have to deal with, but I do at times get upset about it. I would love more female friends.

AIBU? And if you think you would be annoyed by me having the above sort of friendship with your partner, is there anything that the woman can do to make you more comfortable?

You're over-thinking it. Most people won't actually care, it's more that you're at a funny age in mid-20s, by the time everyone's in their 30s you won't have these issues because there'll only be one or two randoms who have a problem. Backing off might be causing problems by itself too, because you're buying into the idea that you can't carry on being friends with these guys. Just do what makes you comfortable and let everybody else worry about themselves.

I agree by 30 people don't care, my dp works with at least 95% women, they are currently away with work/on a jolly, only last week did a second male member of staff decide to go too but until then he was to be 1 male out of 20 or so women.
He calls one of them his work momma. We just got a puppy from one of the younger women and we joked about her looking after him as he can't always hold his liquor.
It can be hard to find friends unless you have a social hobby, or a boyfriend who introduces you to his friends partnera.
Maybe you could ask to social with these male friends and their partners so you become their friends too? You may click with one.

I wouldn't be annoyed OP. It says more about their partners than it does you.
I get you though, I'm a high level jiu jitsu player and generally train with men. I've been pulled aside before twice by a wife and a girlfriend of my team mates because they didn't want them to train with me. (The guys refused to stop training with me). I found it laughable because my DH trains at the same club and is generally on the mat when I am - but some women are insecure.

Bless you for worrying, but honestly, carry on being you OP

This all sounds a bit silly. Ignite it. Most people have friends of both sexes. Make friends with your make friends' partners to make some girl friends.

"I seem to automatically get judged by women because I'm around men a lot of the time."
Why would these potential female friends know you are around men a lot of the time and why would they care?

Ignore it. Do not Ignite it. That was my phone.

I think it's just the people you know. I'm 2 years older than you and it's not my experience at all.

I also did a male dominated course at Uni and have a lot of male friends. DH is quite sensitive and gets on better with women - in fact, we met because we share our closest friend. We both text/meet up with friends of the opposite sex. In fact, when DH worked away Mon-Fri one of my male friends (who DH went to school with, by weird coincidence, but was never friends with) was working in the area so we'd go to the pub and he'd sleep over - on the sofa - and DH really liked that I wasn't alone! Similarly when away he'd often go for dinners with female friends. Sometimes he'd Facetime me from dinner and I'd say hello to them/her, others he'd be out of contact all evening and that's fine too.

I expect that all your male friend's partners are much less attractive than you so they are just jealous

Or something

Thank you for the replies. I'm glad to hear it'll probably get better when I'm older. I suppose I just got to get on with it and stop worrying.

@Neron I'm glad someone understands. Imagine what you said but in all aspects of your life personal and professional. It's just frustrating really.

@FloatingObject I mean in the past where I've started to get to know a few females and they've started to get to know me that I've experienced a definite back off/clear judgement from them after they find out what I do for a living and see my friendship group. I'm not by any means suggesting it's all women that do this and I didn't mean to make it sound like a sweeping statement.

What do you do for a living ?

PS. one of my best friends is one of the Directors of the company I work for. He's almost 30 years older than me. We've been out with our partners and also go to events/pubs alone and with another friend closer to my age. He met his wife when he was 19 and is still madly in love with her.Last year we drove up North together to attend a work event and had a fantastic drunken night out before returning to our respective bedrooms. It probably looks suspicious to people who think everything is driven by sex, but I couldn't give a shit, and my husband trusts me (and so he should!)

@PooWillyBumBum that sounds like one of my past relationships and I think it's great for people to have friends of a different gender. I've not had problems with my own partners with this at all, it's more other people I come across in life that don't know me.

I’m 38 and have more male friends than female. This week have met with 3 one on one for a catch up, they are all married. It’s just friendship 🤷🏻‍♀️ none of their wives mind.

@AnyFucker I'm a software engineer and I work in the gaming industry.

I'm a chef and all my work friends are men.
I can honestly say it's never been a problem.

Sadly I've been one of those women who's been funny with my DP having female friends. The reason I've been 'funny' is my own insecurities.

I trust DP 100% but I felt threatened by these women and would worry that maybe they had better things to offer my DP than I did.

Annoyingly DP has one female friend who I haven't met yet. I am 99% sure once I meet her, I'll be like "What was I worrying about".

Encourage your male friends to introduce you to their partners and let them see you are no threat.

Has a female friend ever tell you that they don't want to be friends with you because of this? I think you are overthinking things.

YANBU, some women just are like that. I came to know a girl who invited me to a birthday BBQ at her house and all of her other friends were couples. I ended up talking more to the males than the females as I had more interests in common, although I did try with the girls (I'm sorry, I just can't spend an hour discussing the perfect laundry basket). The looks I got! Anybody would have thought I was trying to wrestle their husbands' wedding rings off there and then. A couple of them would either make a point of sitting on their partner's knee or call him over to them, presumably as a 'marking of territory'.

I found it somewhere between baffling, funny and a teeny bit offensive that any single woman was automatically deemed to be 'on the prowl' because she dared talk about cars rather than baskets.

I didn't bother seeing them again.

What jumps off the page to me is that you seem to only really socialise with people you work with.

Do you have no hobbies outside of work, that might help widen your social circle?

@ButterflyOne1 thank you for the advice. I can completely understand why someone might feel threatened, even though it's uncalled for, and I would never get angry at a woman feeling like this. It absolutely sucks to have insecurities.

@Rachelle11 I've had work colleagues partners take an automatic disliking to me and a couple of times now. I'm taking about partners of people I wouldn't really say I have a friendship with at all. On one occasion I also started to get to know a few ladies through a hobby then later found out they've been really mean to me behind my back insinuating all sorts of nasty things. Just makes me worry about future friendships. But you're right, I probably am overthinking it all.

I think sometimes with women it's insecurity about you having more 'in common' with their boyfriend than they do, more shared interest etc. It's not about you as such.

Women who are secure in their relationships and trust their partners won't have any issues unless you behave in an inappropriate way.

I do think it can help to meet the partners and make an effort with them. It's helpful to show that you're not just interested in hanging out with their boyfriend and excluding them. They may even become friends too.

Are you sure you’re not imagining it to some extent or seeing it because you’re looking for it? That’s not to say that some people aren’t going to be jealous - of course they are. But it’s really odd to think that people unrelated to the men you work with are backing away from friendships because you spend time with men. I can understand the odd jealous person but it’s very strange to think it is so widespread that it is impacting your life to this extent. I don’t know how they would even know that you spend lots of time with men - do you specifically mention that? My husband works with all women and he doesn’t ever mention it because he thinks of them as ‘people I work with’. I doubt he thinks anything of the fact that they’re all female.

I did once meet a woman who seemed to have this sort of outlook and it got my back up a little bit, to be honest. The fact that you’re even going to the effort of thinking about how to change your behaviour or include them is a bit over the top and making something of nothing. The woman I mentioned was a friend of my brother in law, so an acquaintance of my then partner. My husband spent a bit of time talking to her on a night out and I went over to let him know I was going onto the dance floor with another group of people. She sort of congratulated me on not getting funny about her talking to my boyfriend and said she gets that allll the time and it’s just so silly cos she is friendly and just gets on with men... The whole thing was weird. She was clearly very conscious of the fact that she was a woman talking to a man with a girlfriend. The rest of us didn’t frame normal conversation in that way.

@WorraLiberty this is a very good point. I guess I do tend to stay within my own social circle a lot. I do have hobbies but again they are mostly "boyish" hobbies so that exposes me to mostly men. I did once have a good go at yoga classes which I enjoyed but got a bad judgement from a couple of girls there after I went to social where they bought their partners along and I spent some of the evening talking to their partners about some video games that had recently come out. They just didn't seemed to like that? It kind of went sour from there.

@Spinzy I wouldn't be surprised if I'm getting overly paranoid about it. I don't say to people "I'm around mostly men" but I say I'm a software engineer and in the gaming industry if they ask and I guess I'm a little "tomboyish" (not a fan of that term) so I guess it's a correct assumption someone can make about me when they know very little.

got a bad judgement from a couple of girls there after I went to social where they bought their partners along and I spent some of the evening talking to their partners about some video games that had recently come out. They just didn't seemed to like that? It kind of went sour from there

Some of the evening or most of the evening? It's not great social etiquette to accept an invitation from someone and then spend the night engaging in conversation that excludes them.