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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL threatening to call the police because DH won’t speak to him WWYD?

94 replies

CloudberryJam · 30/08/2019 14:17

As title says. Father in law has threatened (by email) to call the police because DH won’t speak to him. Says it's a “welfare check” because he doesn’t know how DH (in his 40s) or our child is. The ILs were cut off for abuse (called DH names to our child) and threats to me (said they would come in my home and see my son whether I liked it or not).

I think we should send the email to the police so they have heads up that it is time wasting because the ILs know DH is not speaking to them and the reasons why, and tell the ILs we’ve done that (with copy to the police) so the police don’t arrive at our door.

Is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
LaLoba · 30/08/2019 15:23

Agree with those who say ignore. You have the email to show police if they do turn up, as evidence that FIL has planned this and threatened you with it.
Any reaction from you or DH will ensure this goes on longer. I can recommend the book The Gift of Fear for a good explanation of why fighting them in any way will perpetuate their harassment.
I really feel for you, OP. It’s even crappier with your DH away. Doing nothing is hard (believe me I know) but it is the best way to get eventual peace of mind.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 30/08/2019 15:35

Please leave the police well alone! Collect and store any threats or unpleasant communications and if they are significant or life threatening then, and only then, bother the police, block in laws in all areas of your life and make sure you do not post on social media your movements I.e holidays or nights out just in case they can get access to your social media and come around or be mischievous to your home

GladAllOver · 30/08/2019 15:36

Ignore, ignore and then ignore some more.
Don't give them the pleasure of you responding or reacting.

CandyLeBonBon · 30/08/2019 15:39

Definitely ignore op. Good luck

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/08/2019 15:39

I'm sure the police have got far better things to do, but if they do call, I'd just explain the situation politely.
As for your FiL, words almost fail me, but I'd just ignore as far as poss.

ASimpleLampoon · 30/08/2019 15:45

Report to police as harassment.

Tell them they have threatened to make a false report to social services,.

Contact a solicitor with a view to taking out a non molestation order. Solictor can write warning letter, stating that if they contact you again you may do this. (it cost me £60 for this type of letter when I had to do it a few years ago)

Keep all correspondence and a log of all incidents.

Report to police if you feel threatened.

Nomorepies · 30/08/2019 16:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Snugglepumpkin · 30/08/2019 16:01

Don't worry about it.
The police would just knock on the door, say they've been asked to do a safe & well check, you'd say 'omg my bloody in-laws threatened to do this if we won't contact them when they want us to, but we've asked them to leave us alone' or similar & they'd go away apologising as they have no choice but to turn up.
They have never even bothered coming in the house.

I've had people play that game with me.
It's annoying, it's a waste of police time, but it won't get them anywhere.
Sadly I've been told by police officers it's not even all that uncommon.

Sara2117 · 30/08/2019 16:04

The police won’t be remotely interested, I used to be an emergency call handler. And it was a pizza delivery that they called 999 for - they delivered the wrong toppings Grin

ArianaCandelabra · 30/08/2019 16:22

@lyralalala totally agree with this advice

lemonyellowtangerine · 30/08/2019 16:30

The police have better things to do than dealing with sustained harassment stretching over a number of years? They have better things to do than dealing with something they're tasked to deal with?

If this was an ex doing the exact same thing would posters still be discouraging the victim from involving the police or describing it as a "waste of time"? It's not a Facebook spat, or a one off family argument, it's long term harassment after someone tried to exit an abusive relationship.

Callistone · 30/08/2019 16:33

DH, who is police, says they get this all the time and after they'd checked they wouldn't be bothered. Says it happens a lot.

Loopytiles · 30/08/2019 16:36

Ignore.

You can’t “log” things with the police and you contacting them would be wasting police time. Just deal with it factually if the police actually do get in touch.

Apolloanddaphne · 30/08/2019 17:06

Ignore your FIL. Let the Police come. Your FIL will get into trouble for wasting police time.

BlueJava · 30/08/2019 17:23

Ignore them, let the police come. But log incidents with dates and a quick description of who does what.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 30/08/2019 17:25

Don't react at all in a way which they might see or hear about. They are trying to create drama in order to get what they want. You can block an email address so that anything that arrives from it goes straight to the spam folder, if you have a phone that can block numbers then I'm sure you have already done that. The fact that they are threatening to call the police tells me that they are running out of ideas and are trying this as a last resort.
They can work themselves up into a foaming rage if they like, you won't have to see it unless they turn up at your door (in which case, do phone the police because they sound unhinged!).
There's no need to contact the police at the moment, just keep the email handy in case you get a call or visit. You may (at worst) have to call your husband's mobile to demonstrate that you haven't buried him under the patio, but I doubt it would come to that.
I do sympathise, I'm expecting something very similar in the near future. Just put all the distance you can between them and you (in the form of blocks) and try to get on with your life, in the knowledge that doing so will be all the revenge necessary.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 30/08/2019 17:26

Oh, it might be an idea for your husband to tell someone at his place of work, in case they phone there and play the same sad song. Voice of experience!

Kaddm · 30/08/2019 17:29

Print out all abusive/shitty threats he’s sent you. When the police come round, show it to them and tell them he’s aware you don’t want contact and he’s harassing you.

Whosorrynow · 30/08/2019 18:01

I think this is to make you feel as if there is a higher authority that you must answer to if you disobey them, an extension of the parent who tells a young child that a policeman will tell him off if he doesnt do what mummy and daddy say

Original poster
CloudberryJam · 30/08/2019 20:15

Thanks all. Especially those with police contacts. I’ll file and ignore. I suppose if the police ask them when they last heard from DH and they told the truth (years ago) it would look ridiculous!

OP posts:
Original poster
CloudberryJam · 30/08/2019 20:18

The fact that they are threatening to call the police tells me that they are running out of ideas and are trying this as a last resort.

I hope so, they seem to have tried everything else. They are just bullies.

OP posts:
OwlBeThere · 30/08/2019 20:24

Please don’t call the police with this, they don’t have time to deal with serious crime let alone this kind of thing. Ignore him.

Auramigraine · 30/08/2019 20:27

@CloudberryJam

Echo everyone’s comments. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

We cut contact with DHs family after abuse, threats and making outrageous rumours about us suggesting we were unfit parents. When we cut contact we got exact same, wondering on welfare, but they would send family members banging on our door to ‘check he was ok’

Giving them a response is feeding them the reaction they want, hoping you will panic and respond. Don’t do it.

The best revenge is living happy. And it is so true. The silence will annoy them more than any reaction you could give them.

Original poster
CloudberryJam · 30/08/2019 20:33

The best revenge is living happy.

I have never seen DH so happy since he cut off his Ps. Unfortunately for DH everyone on his side is ignoring us so I suppose there has been some kind of rumour spread or threats made, but whatever. If his brothers and sister want to believe that over contacting us themselves, so be it.

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 30/08/2019 21:24

Just wait it out and say nothing, eventually they will see the in-laws for what they are and realised that yours is the best strategy!