AIBU to ask what reaction/punishment you would expect from parents after this

[frogsarejumpy]

Witnessed yesterday on the beach. Young (teen?)boy building sandcastle with Dad. Goes over to girl (presumably sister) who is lounging in inflatable in sea and pours a bucket of water over her head. She is upset, he does it again, she is crying. Dad sees and shouts him back telling him off. Boy shouts angrily and then tries to swing for girl (dad separates) and then swears at and punches Dad.
Dad walks away with girl comforting her.
Big scene on beach, what would you do as the parent?

Get everyone in the car and go home.

But remember it's a snapshot you've absolutely no idea - presumably- about their life and what's happening in it.

That sounds like a really functional way to manage the situation. Getting into conflict when in an emotionally heightened state isn't going to help anyone. Removing attention and supporting the victim can achieve something. I expect they will have a conversation when the boy and the parent are calm enough to do so without Becoming so heightened that all it will be is a row.

That sounds like a really functional way to manage the situation. Getting into conflict when in an emotionally heightened state isn't going to help anyone. Removing attention and supporting the victim can achieve something. I expect they will have a conversation when the boy and the parent are calm enough to do so without Becoming so heightened that all it will be is a row
Spot on.
The Dad probably knows that if he confronts and challenges the boy for his behaviour it will escalate which you don't want in a public place. Giving the girl the attention and withdrawing attention from the boy for now is all he can do to keep things calm. No doubt later when all calm the Dad will speak with and possibly have consequences for the boy.
You obviously think there was something wrong with how the Dad dealt with it. What would you have done?

I see many (admittedly smaller) children hitting punching and kicking their family members, entirely unchecked, including their parents. I’m old school - you sort everything out yourselves EXCEPT physical violence. It’s a total red card. Immediate removal from area (so on beach we’d go home) and severe consequence - removal of screen time/activity/play date).

I do wonder whether we are going to end up with a set of violent adults in the next 15-20 years of parenting trends don’t change. I would never want to go back to historical parenting methods that include physical punishment or a harsh seemingly loveless childhood but I definitely subscribe to old fashioned methods including parental control, firm immovable boundaries regardless of where we are, respect and good manners. I am absolutely in the minority where I live, among a generation of badly behaved, badly controlled ill mannered little brats. It’s awful.

Well you obviously disagree. So what would YOU have done?

Thanks for responses. I don’t disagree with walking away at that time. Following this, the mum came back, girl upset, Dad exasperated, boy was coming over to her to tell ‘his side’ - she sent him away to sandcastle, sent dad away for walk and sat with girl. They didn’t leave beach for a good while (we left before them). Mum went over to boy after playing with girl for a while. They walked and then built castle together. Dad played with girl. Then all seemed ok.
I’m not sure if this is what I’d expect .....

Did the right thing. The victim needs the attention and comfort. Boy needs a “time out”. Dad (and mum?) can circle back later with punishment/consequences when in private.

Well sounds to me like it was handled very well by the parents.

@zzzzzzzz12345 you may have seen my dd punching me, kicking me, biting me and me not doing anything about it. Because she has ASD and this behaviour is communication that she isn't coping. We don't punish the behaviour, partly because it makes it worse, and also because she knows it's wrong but she doesn't have control.

So before you judge think about what might be going on there.

You have no idea about this family, the boy could be displaying this kind of behaviour for a number of reasons, the family could be dealing with it this way for a number of reasons. Leave them to it and stop judging people.

I'd expect absolutely nothing unless I was involved in some way. A random family I don't know? How could I possibly think I know the best way to deal with that situation? They could be kids with sen. They could be Foster kids working through all kinds of shit. I would have no way of knowing what kind of consequences the teen boy may have once they left the beach. I would be in no place to judge.

Sounds like the mum de-escalated the situation in a way that suits their family.

They know better than me how to deal with their own situation. I’d suppose there are some SN or MH issues there. It isn’t for anyone to judge how they dealt with it.

What’s the point of the thread?

The Dad dealt with it perfectly and I deal with sibling conflict in a similar manner.

Sounds like what happens with my family.

DS has ASD and lashes out when stressed. Removing DD from the situation and giving him space to calm down is exactly what we would have done.

How about you mind your own business when it doesn't concern you?

I struggle sometimes with the ‘right’ or ‘best’ way to deal with sibling situations so wondered really. I think it was a good way but also wondered if I would have left the beach and taken him home or maybe left dad and daughter there and ‘punished’ by removing boy. I totally take the point that I know nothing of the family dynamics/additional info re SEN, emotional issues or anything else.

For perspective, my son has ASD and ADHD too

Parent your kids how you want and let other folk get on with how they want.

You have no idea what's going on in their lives. We've had so many snide comments as DS looks "normal", he may be nearly 13 but emotionally he's much younger. Trust that people know the best way to handle their kids.

I think the Dad dealt with it appropriately,if you had seen me with my son at a local attraction yesterday,on the whole he did quite well but he has severe autism and learning disabilliies,and was shouting and scratching me,you wouldn't automatically know this by seeing us briefly though.

I do wonder whether we are going to end up with a set of violent adults in the next 15-20 years of parenting trends don’t change...I am absolutely in the minority where I live, among a generation of badly behaved, badly controlled ill mannered little brats. It’s awful

Kids are no worse and no better than they were years ago. And if anything, there is far less tolerance for any kind of violence in schools than there used to be.

Punishing doesn't really resolve anything. It's using your power as an adult to inflict suffering on a child.

Far better to manage the situation positively, and talk through the consequences of any event like this,

And taking everybody home punishes everyone- that’s not right, surely?

Sounds like the family handled it perfectly.

Not sure why you started the thread OP.

This sounds like the problems sit deeper than what they did about this particular issue. It’s all very well saying they handled it right, but their teenage son is swinging for his sister and punching his dad. That hasn’t come from nowhere.

it sounds like the parent was dealing with it.

I think a lot of people have a tendency to want a performance of punishment to wrongdoing children, but you wont always get that. People often just want to move away from situation and deal with it in private.

I agree with Bertrand, going home punishes girl (who was apparently innocent in all this) and mum and dad who presumably looked forward to a family day on the beach. If boy wanted to be at home on his X Box rather than be a the beach, well then, mission accomplished, plus sister upset bonus!

Sounds like they did their very best.