AIBU to ask what reaction/punishment you would expect from parents after this

[frogsarejumpy]

Witnessed yesterday on the beach. Young (teen?)boy building sandcastle with Dad. Goes over to girl (presumably sister) who is lounging in inflatable in sea and pours a bucket of water over her head. She is upset, he does it again, she is crying. Dad sees and shouts him back telling him off. Boy shouts angrily and then tries to swing for girl (dad separates) and then swears at and punches Dad.
Dad walks away with girl comforting her.
Big scene on beach, what would you do as the parent?

BertrandRussell

Ah I see. Sorry.

Why on earth (as usual) does ASD automatically have to come into it? Both my kids are neuro-typical, and to a casual observer, that sort of thing may have looked like it was happening in our family on occasion, aside from the fact my son wouldn’t have punched his dad.

When you only see a five minute snapshot of a family’s life, you have no clue what led up to the incident in question. Maybe the girl had been poking her brother all morning (my daughter’s favourite way to annoy her brother). Maybe she’d been told fifty times it was his turn for the lilo and she wouldn’t get off. Maybe the boy and his dad box together at a gym. Maybe “wanker” or whatever is a perfectly acceptable term of endearment in their family.

I don’t see the need to analyse other people’s parenting in order to parent your own children. You know your kids, so concentrate on them.

@Brefugee, there’s no way on earth you let someone hit your child with a stick 3 times, bollocks to “MN approved”. I’d have taken it off him the first time and said “we don’t hit people with sticks”. That’s not a punishment, it’s a consequence. You hit, you lose your stick, simple.

My fault- I wasn’t clear. But I might do something a bit similar with the 12 year old too somewhere like the beach. Time out with a book.

Brefugee and Hercule... how to handle it without 'punishing'...

The stick one- if my child was hitting people with sticks, then the very first time the stick would be removed with a sharp 'stop, that hurt Sarah'. Next time he picks up a stick 'remember, don't let the stick hurt anyone'. Third time 'what a shame, we'll have to stop playing with sticks until you are old enough to play properly'.
Alongside that, lots of positive attention for the injured party, perhaps a card saying sorry, and a chat about how people won't want to play with you if you hurt them. A two pronged approach if you will.

We had no swords, sticks, light sabres for a couple of years due to one of mine getting overexcited.

If you punish, they tend to learn not to get caught, or that powerful people can push less powerful people around.

ok @BertrandRussell - that's good. But no acknowledgement that he had hurt another child?

Because, of course, as an adult you get sent to prison (often, not always) for GBH. With the no-punishment upbringing i wonder if that comes as a big shock to some people.

Oh, and the 12yr old on the beach may well know 'you mustn't hit people' but he clearly doesn't know what to do when overwhelmed and over excited.

picklemepopcorn

I rarely punish my child, but when I do, she is learning that poor behaviour will have consequences, from me, because I won’t accept it. I don’t think she is learning that powerful people can push less powerful people around. I’m her mum and if I punish her, it’s so she can learn how to behave, because I love her.

no @gingersausage - I spoke to the child's parent first time and he was sent to play with another group. 2nd time I told him to give the stick to his parent, but parent intervened with "I'm on it"
I was elswhere when 3rd time happened and another child came to get me.

But cheers for the sneer.

I wasn’t sneering. I just wouldn’t let my child get hit 3 times to prove a point. 🤷‍♀️

That's great hercule. Not all children have that connection with the people who punish them. Very often from the child's perspective it feels like a teacher is taking out having a bad day on them for example. My foster children 'knew' I loved them, but felt as though they were just randomly getting told off.

It's absolutely not about letting children get away with stuff.

And going to prison is a consequence of breaking the law.

Helping children work out natural consequences, before their brains can actually do it independently, is really important. It needs to be taught so that impulsiveness and instant gratification don't get them into trouble later.

I just hope that whatever happened that the boy was told that assaulting girls (and others) is totally unacceptable and that the girl was told that she never, ever has to accept physical violence from males.

I think most nt 12 year olds- or even 7 year olds know that hitting someone hurts them.

frogs so you were actually wondering if that’s a good strategy and if it works and may be helpful to you?

That’s fair enough. I would say that if it works for you adopt it. I know a number of families with one ‘wind up’ sibling who all adopt this. One of the families the kid hates it so much she escalates the situation and they end up going home. This caused her sibling to ‘hate’ her more.
It wasn’t easy but my friend decided to stick it and out - and one day the sibling physically fought back. My friend just sat back. (This was younger sibling on older). The older sibling who’d endured it for years left open scratch marks all over her sibling and when sibling played the massive victim (baring in mind she’d started it by kicking and biting her sister who was just sat on sofa watching tv) my friend simply said “well now you’ll think twice before hurting your sister as it appears now she’ll fight back”. Things improved massively after that.

Things were hard when we were out as my ds has asd and she has the feisty DD. But we kept to simple ‘rules’. Everyone can join in and play the game as it’s being played - nicely. You are not welcome if you can’t do this and will be ignored. But as soon as the child who’d been a pain toed the line and joined in nicely then we acted as if nothing had happened previously.

In a one off scenario you can't possibly judge how they deal with it as you have no idea what is going on behind the scenes.

A woman had a right go at me a couple of years ago because I was "wishy-washy" when my two DDs and my DS ended up in a screaming match on the beach. I diffused it, sent them in different directions for a while and chatted to each of them.

She was of the opinion that 'shit parents like me are bringing up a generation of ill mannered, entitled horrors'. However, two days before they'd all been through the worst experience of their lives so it was entirely understandable that they'd all got tetchy with each other, and gently was the best way to deal with it.

Why on earth (as usual) does ASD automatically have to come into it? Both my kids are neuro-typical, and to a casual observer, that sort of thing may have looked like it was happening in our family on occasion, aside from the fact my son wouldn’t have punched his dad.

Can’t you tell the difference is the son punching the father? That’s the red flag for SN.

I do wonder whether we are going to end up with a set of violent adults in the next 15-20 years of parenting trends don’t change

People were generally a lot more violent when society thought that beating ten bells out of kids was acceptable.

Good point shear I'm currently reading a book based on Whitechapel slightly post Jack the Ripper era. I don't think it's full of poetic license and I fully believe that when it says kids were clipped around the ear, or a fight broke out in pub or cafe or street it's a true reflection of the time.

Thanks youarenotkidding, yes that’s what I was meaning really