Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask what reaction/punishment you would expect from parents after this

68 replies

frogsarejumpy · 30/08/2019 08:00

Witnessed yesterday on the beach. Young (teen?)boy building sandcastle with Dad. Goes over to girl (presumably sister) who is lounging in inflatable in sea and pours a bucket of water over her head. She is upset, he does it again, she is crying. Dad sees and shouts him back telling him off. Boy shouts angrily and then tries to swing for girl (dad separates) and then swears at and punches Dad.
Dad walks away with girl comforting her.
Big scene on beach, what would you do as the parent?

OP posts:
littledrummergirl · 30/08/2019 09:54

I have issues with punishing any children. I prefer to teach them the right way to behave. It sounds as though the parents were entirely appropriate in how the de-escalated the situation.

Yabbers · 30/08/2019 09:56

For perspective, my son has ASD and ADHD too

Then A) you should know better than to judge and B) if you are looking for coping strategies for dealing with your SN children, posting on AIBU inviting others to judge another family based on your version of events probably isn’t the best way to go about it.

caroloro · 30/08/2019 09:57

In general, punishments teach very little other than that what you did was bad, they don't help you understand how to do differently. Repair and support achieve far greater behaviour change. Kids want to please, they want approval. Letting them know what you ou want them to do, how to so it, and helping them achieve that is better than "punishing".

Brefugee · 30/08/2019 09:58

In general, punishments teach very little other than that what you did was bad, they don't help you understand how to do differently.

So no punishment just "we do it like this…"?
Genuine question.

herculepoirot2 · 30/08/2019 09:59

I have issues with punishing any children. I prefer to teach them the right way to behave.

The two are not mutually exclusive. If you punish a child for behaving in a certain way, it is to demonstrate that you wanted them to behave in a different way. The child isn’t sitting in a sensory deprivation tank wondering why someone just turned off the lights - they know what the punishment is for.

herculepoirot2 · 30/08/2019 10:00

So no punishment just "we do it like this…"?
Genuine question.

I find it curious that anyone would think a 12/13 year old wouldn’t already know not to hit people. If he doesn’t, clearly the method isn’t working. If he does, he is ignoring you, so clearly the method isn’t working.

FamilyOfAliens · 30/08/2019 10:04

Did you take notes, OP, or have you just got an exceptionally good memory?

speakout · 30/08/2019 10:04

I don't use punishment. I think it is counter productive.

BertrandRussell · 30/08/2019 10:05

I think a 12 year old who is hitting people like this is not going to be stopped by punishments. And anyway trying to impose punishments in these circumstances is going to escalate the situation which is not ideal in a public place.

vdbfamily · 30/08/2019 10:08

Having a DD with 'anger issues' and having taken advice from professionals from when she was quite young, dealing with the issue whilst everyone still angry is not the time. Space and calm are what is needed and then, at a later stage when everyone has settled, you can discuss what happened rationally and decide consequences of actions. Sounds like the parents dealt with this really well in the circumstances...always harder when public.

herculepoirot2 · 30/08/2019 10:13

I think a 12 year old who is hitting people like this is not going to be stopped by punishments. And anyway trying to impose punishments in these circumstances is going to escalate the situation which is not ideal in a public place.

I agree. 12 years old is far too old to start reinforcing your expectations with consequences.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 30/08/2019 10:15

Many posters seem to be jumping on the OP for judging but I didn't get that at all - I felt she thought it was well handled and possibly thought-provoking in a positive way.

It's just how I read it :)

Faircastle · 30/08/2019 10:16

I realise this isn't the point, but I would expect them not to let their children sit on inflatables in the sea, unless tethered to an adult. None of the rest of it is potentially life-threatening.

Original poster
frogsarejumpy · 30/08/2019 10:17

I’m not sure why it seems I was ‘judging’ when I actually wasn’t. I was interested in others perspectives as was conflicted over what I would do in that situation with my own dc. Thanks for responses, planning my strategies next time we have similar!

OP posts:
Jeremybearimybaby · 30/08/2019 10:17

For my NT DC? I'd separate, bung them both in the car, after comforting the injured party, and consequences would be severe, but non physical, for the aggressor, when we got home. There would be a loss of devices, possibly grounding, and an apology to the injured party which would be non negotiable.
Other people's families? I can't have an opinion, as I don't know their family dynamics/history/issues/boundaries.
When I see a parent struggling with a child in a supermarket or the like, I always try to give a solidarity smile, or make a comment about how they're doing well, or how it's not easy, because I know how much I appreciated that when I had small DC who were being little shits were acting up in public.

Jeremybearimybaby · 30/08/2019 10:18

Re the above - no I don't think OP was judging, I think they were asking for strategies/opinions from other parents.

Singleandproud · 30/08/2019 10:19

If they are a local family then going home is a non-issue but if they have spent good money on a holiday then everyone else is getting punished too. Dad seemed to deal with it very well, with a further discussion and possibly a removal of electronics later.

jesuschristwtf · 30/08/2019 10:21

I wouldn’t like to comment as I don’t know the family dynamics 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thesearmsofmine · 30/08/2019 10:24

Sounds like they handled it well tbh. Sounds like mum sent dad and boys off to calm down and looked after the girl. Then once calmer she talked to the boy and they moved on. We have no idea what their situation is.

@

Brefugee · 30/08/2019 10:24

I'm interested in the no punishment methods. I'm assuming there are consequences?
What are they in this kind of situation?

I'm asking because when DC were small i was with DC2 at a school function (age 7) and a boy kept hitting her with a stick. And the parents just did the "chat" thing where they said "we don't like it when you do that"

After the 3rd time when I took the stick off him and said he could have it back after the event (he'd found it on the way there, I'm not the teacher) they complained. The crying and bruised 7 year old victim of his attentions got a "we told him not to do it."

Assuming that's not a mumsnet approved consequence what is the correct "no punishment" way to handle that. (not removing my DC2 from the place since it was my DC event as much as his and was playing with other classmates quite happily)

BertrandRussell · 30/08/2019 10:39

Well, if he had been mine, taking the stick away would have been an immediate consequence. And sitting by me rather than playing “because you weren’t playing nicely”.

herculepoirot2 · 30/08/2019 10:42

Well, if he had been mine, taking the stick away would have been an immediate consequence. And sitting by me rather than playing “because you weren’t playing nicely”.

At 12? I wouldn’t expect to have to put toddler consequences in place for a child of that age.

BertrandRussell · 30/08/2019 10:44

I was responding to Brefugee- the children she was talking about were 7.