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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

..To get married and not tell anyone

71 replies

Catbrat · 29/08/2019 20:10

I'm getting married abroad whilst on holiday, it's coming up very soon, it's been booked over a year. Only me, OH and our two kids are going. The idea is to get married and tell family afterwards, either once we are home, or whilst we are still there, reasons being, I'm not close to my family, including my mum, but get on ok-ish with them, haven't seen my dad since I was a teen, I've never wanted a big wedding, it's actually my worst nightmare been the centre of attention, but the biggest reason is my MIL, she doesn't speak to two of my OHs brothers, either she wouldn't come, or they wouldn't come, if they both did come it would more than likely end up in a argument, as it did on Xmas when one brother turned up unannounced whilst MIL was there, argument broke out at my house Infront of my DC.
But, The closer it gets the more I'm starting to crap myself about the fall out, people aren't going to be happy, but it's what we want, a nice relaxed day with just our DC.
So AIBU to get married and not tell everyone until afterwards?

OP posts:
BadgerBadgerMushroom · 29/08/2019 20:11

Nope. It's your wedding. Go for it! Congratulations!

Lamentations · 29/08/2019 20:12

To be honest if you are a well established couple with children it shouldn't really shock anyone. Do what is best for you.

Congratulations.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/08/2019 20:12

Yanbu whatsoever! I hope you have a lovely wedding and holiday! Flowers

Grambler · 29/08/2019 20:13

Don't rush to tell anyone. If it ever comes up in conversation say 'oh yes we did that ages ago'

BadHairDyeDay · 29/08/2019 20:15

Someone I used to work with did this. Brilliant idea. Nobody knew not even best friends/siblings so nobody could be offended. Just bride and groom, their children and their parents were there. Genius. Wish I'd done it tbh.

thecatinthetwat · 29/08/2019 20:15

I did the same thing op, and there was a fall out, as you know to expect.

But I don't regret it, at all. It was lovely.

Do it op, exactly as you want.

BadHairDyeDay · 29/08/2019 20:16

Congratulations btw WineFlowers

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 29/08/2019 20:16

Been there done that lol. Go for it. Agree with @Grambler

cakeandchampagne · 29/08/2019 20:17

Have whatever kind of wedding you want.
Congratulations!
Flowers

Justmuddlingalong · 29/08/2019 20:17

Text an announcement while you're away, then turn your phone off. 😁 Your not having your wedding at home so nobody can spoil it. So don't let them spoil your wedding abroad. Congratulations. 🍾🥂

dayslikethese1 · 29/08/2019 20:19

You could always just not mention it at all unless it comes up directly. Might be years before that happens Grin

dollydaydream114 · 29/08/2019 20:19

YANBU.

My family aren’t difficult at all but both DP and I absolutely hate being the centre of attention and I cannot bear organising events of any kind, so my ideal wedding would just the two of us going to the register office and then spending a few days in our favourite hotel in the middle of nowhere and then just telling people afterwards. Or not telling people at all, even.

StressyDressyHeels · 29/08/2019 20:23

I did, we didn’t tell a soul, only our two witnesses. Had a big family party afterwards. No regrets here!

Onwardsagain · 29/08/2019 20:23

We hate being the centre of attention so got married just us two and a photographer. We had a few lovely days away, some of our friends and family were disappointed but we just said that it's what we felt the most comfortable with and that we hope they can be happy for us. They have all got over it. Do what suits you the most.

patientzero · 29/08/2019 20:24

I did it. Stupidly caved and told people before we went, cue major guilt trips, but it was what we wanted

RottnestFerry · 29/08/2019 20:28

I did the same thing op, and there was a fall out, as you know to expect.

But I don't regret it, at all. It was lovely.

I did he same thing too. There was fall out. We lasted six weeks after that.

I do regret it.

Speakercube · 29/08/2019 20:33

In your family circumstances I'd say go for it. It's your day no one else's and like someone said could be ages before anyone realises if you mention(of course depending on dcs ages they might drop you in it!) Have a great wedding without any dramas FlowersWineWineCake

Drum2018 · 29/08/2019 20:36

Anyone causing a fall out would want to get over themselves. This is your wedding and you have very valid reasons for not wanting a big do. Continue with your plans, enjoy every bit of it, and sod anyone who may try to spoil things for you on your return. I wouldn't hesitate to tell them why you didn't want a big family wedding.

thecatinthetwat · 29/08/2019 20:37

*I did he same thing too. There was fall out. We lasted six weeks after that.

I do regret it.*

Shock Oh no. What happened?

Sorrysorrysosorry · 29/08/2019 20:37

DSis did this 20 years ago. Doesn’t regret it. Mil was slightly miffed but she was the only one. Everyone else was just thrilled for the happy couple.

BelleCarig · 29/08/2019 20:47

We did it earlier this year and it was absolutely awesome. We didn't tell a soul before the wedding. Highly recommend it!

Catbrat · 29/08/2019 20:53

@RottnestFerry I'm sorry to hear that, was the break up directly to do with the fall out because of the wedding?

I hadn't even thought about that been a issue Confused but, Im confident our relationship can take some fall out from family.

OP posts:
Smidge001 · 29/08/2019 20:53

Just get married and don't announce it. Why do you need to mention it to them at all? Makes no difference to them really! They presumably see you as an established couple anyway.

Mishappening · 29/08/2019 20:57

I am sure you are doing the right thing - do all enjoy it!

Fallout? - what the heck. Better than a tense wedding trying to keep everyone happy.

SandAndSea · 29/08/2019 21:00

I would wait a while before you tell everyone. That way, you can enjoy a bit more of a honeymoon period; in case anyone kicks off about it.

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