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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..To get married and not tell anyone

71 replies

Catbrat · 29/08/2019 20:10

I'm getting married abroad whilst on holiday, it's coming up very soon, it's been booked over a year. Only me, OH and our two kids are going. The idea is to get married and tell family afterwards, either once we are home, or whilst we are still there, reasons being, I'm not close to my family, including my mum, but get on ok-ish with them, haven't seen my dad since I was a teen, I've never wanted a big wedding, it's actually my worst nightmare been the centre of attention, but the biggest reason is my MIL, she doesn't speak to two of my OHs brothers, either she wouldn't come, or they wouldn't come, if they both did come it would more than likely end up in a argument, as it did on Xmas when one brother turned up unannounced whilst MIL was there, argument broke out at my house Infront of my DC.
But, The closer it gets the more I'm starting to crap myself about the fall out, people aren't going to be happy, but it's what we want, a nice relaxed day with just our DC.
So AIBU to get married and not tell everyone until afterwards?

OP posts:

BrittleJoys · 30/08/2019 10:47

I've known people who have done this and I really wouldn't underestimate the effect it can have on friends and family! As Rottnest mentioned, when you tell people they can be so surprised that they forget to congratulate you, so I'd be prepared for the fact that whoever you tell may go a bit quiet but you seem to be aware of that already OP.

People often say that on here, but to be honest, the people who don't want an endless fuss and get married secretly with just a couple of witnesses are highly unlikely to be the kind of people who then get annoyed because the congratulations aren't enthusiastic enough.

And I know a lot of people who've just married by themselves for various reasons (not all family complications some just didn't fancy a wedding, couldn't afford one, or needed to get married for some practical reason like a spousal visa) including us -- and there's never been any dramatic fallout in any case.

And honestly, what's more important, having a full-scale wedding you don't want, or dealing with a relative's annoyance she didn't get to wear her favourite fascinator?

It's perfectly possible not to tell people you got married, too. We didn't tell anyone for a couple of years not by design, just a lot of other major life stuff was going on and by that point it was too late for anyone to start getting huffy about something they weren't invited to years earlier.

Ohflippineck · 30/08/2019 10:50

Best way to do it.

ScoobyCan · 30/08/2019 10:50

Don't rush to tell anyone. If it ever comes up in conversation say 'oh yes we did that ages ago'

^^This. Enjoy!

NoSauce · 30/08/2019 10:53

Don’t tell anyone beforehand! Go and have a fabulous time and enjoy yourselves. Tell everyone when you get home!

stoneysongs · 30/08/2019 10:56

Did this and recommend it! My mother was furious but then SiL read her the riot act and she did apologise in the end. I didn't care anyway, it was lovely and the money we saved paid for a trip of a lifetime honeymoon.

squeekums · 30/08/2019 11:03

If me and dp were to ever marry, we would just do it then tell people later

Itsfineactually · 30/08/2019 11:08

@Helendee surely not when you’ve been together for 12yrs previously, only did it as a formality and did it secretly so it wasn’t to become a big deal?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 30/08/2019 11:39

I've just realised, my in-laws never congratulated us at all. Not so much as a word, never mind a card. But as we'd eloped and done what suited us, we never so much as expected cards and presents which were not on our radar at all. We've been married for over a decade and this has only just occurred to me

Helendee · 30/08/2019 11:53

Itsfineactually

In that case I don’t consider it a marriage, more a contract so I guess you’re right.

justanotherworkingmum · 30/08/2019 11:58

We did - went on holiday (to Vegas) and came home married. My dad thought my DH was a legend for saving him the £££ a full blown wedding would have cost!

Lowcarblady · 30/08/2019 11:58

We did this! Married 5 years now and no regrets. We didn't even tell in laws until a year after. Mil and sil were upset but got over it.

Lyingonthesofainthedark · 30/08/2019 12:00

A marriage IS a legal contract. Although that isn't really the point.

BrittleJoys · 30/08/2019 14:54

Same with us @MarieIVanArkleStinks. Mind you, it took us so long to tell anyone, it would have been deeply odd to get 'retrospective' cards and presents!

@Helendee, a marriage is a contract.

Alsohuman · 30/08/2019 15:00

Do it. I wouldn’t even tell people afterwards but that obviously isn’t feasible for you, OP, because the kids will blab!

Confusedbeetle · 30/08/2019 15:04

If my daughter told me before the event I would be sad I wasnt there but would try to understand and get over it. If I found out afterwards I would be heartbroken. Try to tell them and hope they understand. Just your parents

BrittleJoys · 30/08/2019 15:07

If my daughter told me before the event I would be sad I wasnt there but would try to understand and get over it. If I found out afterwards I would be heartbroken.

What, even if she told you herself? I mean, not that you accidentally found out from some random mutual acquaintance?

Northie · 30/08/2019 15:09

This is honestly my dream wedding OP. No fuss no drama just a lovely happy low key day that isn't stressful or put on for show. I really truly believe that most people want a wedding, not a marriage. Once the big day is over the cracks start to show and it was a lot of money and nothing to show for it or build from.

TeachersPetMonkey · 30/08/2019 15:49

Go for it! This sounds like my dream wedding. Those that really love and care about you will be pleased for you, those that aren't are showing what selfish people they really are. Have a fantastic day.

RottnestFerry · 30/08/2019 19:11

I really truly believe that most people want a wedding, not a marriage. Once the big day is over the cracks start to show and it was a lot of money and nothing to show for it or build from.

I've heard this said before and think it is nonsense. How much/little your wedding cost or how many guests you have has absolutely no influence on the longevity or quality or your future married life

In my case: two weddings. One no guests and witnesses that we didn't know. The other a big wedding with friends and family from all over the globe invited (and turned up).

The former lasted six weeks, the latter 11 years and counting.

JuniperOakPark · 30/08/2019 19:26

I've just realised, my in-laws never congratulated us at all neither did my ILs and they were there

I wasn't their choice for their son (we have been married 20 years) and our relationship with the ILs has changed immensely to one of love and contact. I think having children helped.

OP, enjoy your wedding. I think if it were me, I would send everyone a wedding pic from the holiday to give them time to get used to the idea before they saw me in person but I would also put on the photo that the possibility of negative comments from people about how you chose to get married is the reason you did it this way in the first place.

Original poster

Catbrat · 02/09/2019 11:17

Thanks everyone, feeling much better about my decision now. I think it was just a bit of cold feet about the way we are doing it, but bugger it, it's our day so we will do it our way!

OP posts:

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