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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..To get married and not tell anyone

71 replies

Catbrat · 29/08/2019 20:10

I'm getting married abroad whilst on holiday, it's coming up very soon, it's been booked over a year. Only me, OH and our two kids are going. The idea is to get married and tell family afterwards, either once we are home, or whilst we are still there, reasons being, I'm not close to my family, including my mum, but get on ok-ish with them, haven't seen my dad since I was a teen, I've never wanted a big wedding, it's actually my worst nightmare been the centre of attention, but the biggest reason is my MIL, she doesn't speak to two of my OHs brothers, either she wouldn't come, or they wouldn't come, if they both did come it would more than likely end up in a argument, as it did on Xmas when one brother turned up unannounced whilst MIL was there, argument broke out at my house Infront of my DC.
But, The closer it gets the more I'm starting to crap myself about the fall out, people aren't going to be happy, but it's what we want, a nice relaxed day with just our DC.
So AIBU to get married and not tell everyone until afterwards?

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 29/08/2019 21:02

There's a thread on here atm about cringey weddings. If you've got any doubts, read that.

GammaStingRay · 29/08/2019 21:04

Of course YANBU! Getting married is between you and your partner (and kids as you already have them), and nobody else. You do you. Enjoy your wedding!

BlueJava · 29/08/2019 21:05

Congratulations go for it. Don't tell them til it comes up!

TriciaH87 · 29/08/2019 22:47

My nan got married to my mums dad(stepdad) after about 30 years together. They did it without telling any one at all except her boss to get the time off work. It was only 8 years later when my mum also worked there and he asked if she got my nan an anniversary card we all found out. Mum said you mean birthday card and he said no it's both. They did it on her birthday so know one would be any wiser when they celebrated

IdahoGreen · 29/08/2019 22:54

Of course yanbu. We got married with just two witnesses and we didn’t actually tell anyone we’d done it for several years afterwards. No fallout, no bother, no regrets.

Osirus · 30/08/2019 00:41

We planned this, but ended up telling family a few days before. I now realise this was a mistake, but we thought they might take it better if they knew before, rather than afterwards (we had no guests).

There was a bit of a fallout with DH’s family. They still don’t like me, even though it was actually mainly my DH’s idea.

2 years later, I can barely look at my in-laws.

But, we would do it again the same way (except maybe tell them afterwards, but I think they would have had the same issues either way e.g. MIL didn’t get “her day” and my DH’s niece didn’t get to be a bridesmaid).

Ultimately, no one has the right to tell you how to get married. If someone upsets you because of how the two of you decide to become legally united, then they don’t deserve a place at your wedding anyway.

LuciferTheCat · 30/08/2019 00:44

I would go for it

Blablaa · 30/08/2019 00:46

I’m definitely generally a family first type of person. In this situation I would say YADNBU and go for it. Best wishes and enjoy it!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 30/08/2019 00:47

Congratulations and go for it Thanks

We did it over a year ago, and still no one knows Grin

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 30/08/2019 00:48

Why on earth not? When you look at the threads on this site about the disproportionate amount of trouble weddings cause, it beggars belief that everyone doesn't elope!

We did this and have never for a second regretted it. As for our loved ones' reaction to our decision? They were mostly delighted for us, but unambiguously proved that old adage that the people who matter don't mind, and the people who mind don't matter!

Congratulations Flowers

ShippingNews · 30/08/2019 00:52

If you're not telling anyone, then nobody can say they were left out . Just go for it ! My sister did it, just sent everyone a message afterwards saying "I'm now Mrs XYZ".

HandmaidenBollox · 30/08/2019 00:55

Do it. Every1 who loves you how it matters will understand.

serenoa · 30/08/2019 07:16

Definitely not being unreasonable, OP, it sounds lovely. It seems like you'll get flak from someone either way but at least this way it won't be on your wedding day.

Think about not telling anyone at all, just enjoy when someone asks your kids of they enjoyed their holiday and they say 'Ooh yes, 'specially Mum and Dad getting married'. Watch their faces. Grin

StarShapedWindow · 30/08/2019 07:42

We did this, it pissed off my DH’s aunties and his mother was upset. His mother doesn’t care anymore and only one of the aunties still has a problem (I have no idea why she thinks it has anything to do with her!). My parents and larger family were fine. I wanted to marry DH but never wanted to be a ‘bride’. We went to Cornwall - not abroad but didn’t invite anyone we knew - our witnesses were a couple who ran the restaurant we’d eaten in the night before! Do what you want to do, no one else should have a say.

RottnestFerry · 30/08/2019 08:47

I'm sorry to hear that, was the break up directly to do with the fall out because of the wedding?

Probably not. However, I can't remember anybody being genuinely pleased for us when they were told and it was all rather depressing. Nothing but negativity from friends and family on both sides. I suspect that caused us both to examine our relationship in some depth. It certainly brought out my ex's insecurities to the the extent that she (falsely) accused me of having a long running affair with a colleague. That is what broke us.

If we hadn't married I suspect we would have split anyway eventually. The wedding brought everything to a head. It also made splitting a lot more complicated.

My circumstances seem rather different to yours though OP so, go for it. Good luck!

Likethebattle · 30/08/2019 09:35

We eloped. When we came home we went to both families and explained them had a large family meal to celebrate.

Cracklycaramel · 30/08/2019 09:42

We only told our boss. Best friends were witnesses. Brilliant day and no fall out with family. Do it!

scottishdiem · 30/08/2019 09:47

We did it. Told MIL several months afterwards. Just me, DP, and two witnesses. No real fall out and we did a few meals with people to celebrate over the following year and a bit of a one year anniversary party.

Seven year anniversary was on Saturday.

SecretMillionaire · 30/08/2019 09:52

We did this because the family interference became too much for us both. We never wanted a big fuss. The marriage meant much more than the wedding. Never regretted it.

Itsfineactually · 30/08/2019 10:07

We got married in secret too. Just me, dh and the kids. Two people who work at the registry office were our witnesses. They said it’s quite common.

My only regret is telling mil afterwards, she was upset and when she next came over she brought a big fancy wedding cake and confetti as she wanted to get pictures of us cutting a cake Hmm... it was so awkward and totally against what we wanted.

Dh and I had also been together for 12yrs, (married for 5 now) but she insists on using our wedding date as our anniversary Angry

Helendee · 30/08/2019 10:10

Don’t most people use their wedding date as their anniversary?

ChicCroissant · 30/08/2019 10:25

I've known people who have done this and I really wouldn't underestimate the effect it can have on friends and family! As Rottnest mentioned, when you tell people they can be so surprised that they forget to congratulate you, so I'd be prepared for the fact that whoever you tell may go a bit quiet but you seem to be aware of that already OP.

autumnmum · 30/08/2019 10:30

Congratulations! One of my brothers has done this twice. First time got married overseas told everyone a few days later, no issues with anybody, everybody happy. Second time very different. Made a big song and dance about getting engaged, remained engaged for a couple of years, invited immediate family to Wedding reception (small midweek dinner) but not to actual wedding as they don't like attention. We were all fine with this. They then called wedding off about 4 weeks before hand citing it was too stressful (?) Got married in secret, didn't tell anybody except their teenage kids/step kids who then of course put it all over social media. I found out from a woman I know when I ran into her in the supermarket. It was the day before the wedding date that had been cancelled and I thought she meant that. Not wanting to air my brothers business in public I said oh yes we're really looking forward to it, and she gave me a funny look and said but they got married last week. Other family members found out in similar circumstances, which has caused quite a lot of sadness. Nobody was bothered about going to the wedding but it wasn't pleasant finding out my brother (who up until that point I thought I had a close relationship with) had got married from someone I barely know. My advice would be either don't tell anybody, or drop a text /email to your family at the same time. Good luck and have a lovely day

TabbyMumz · 30/08/2019 10:32

@Helendee....they got married on her birthday, so that then also became their wedding anniversary.

goose1964 · 30/08/2019 10:35

It's your wedding, perhaps a celebration party when you get home, or more likely 2 small ones.

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