Should it be 50/50 by law?

[Iamnotagoddess]

In Germany apparently it’s both (separated) parents equal responsibility to ferry the children to and from the NRP house to the RP house. To me this actually seems pretty fair.

I separated from both my kids dads and one was local and did all the ferrying and the other is about 20 miles away and I always offer to meet halfway.

DH kids live a 5 hour journey (round trip) away and we always try to ask his ex to meet about 30 mins away from her to shorten the journey a bit, but she won’t, and it always ends in a row (between them) and is stressful.

I did the trip last time and (unbeknown to me) she said to DH she could meet me nearby her house but shortening the journey for me but wouldn’t give a time. She then had a huge go at DH saying I should be “fucking grateful” that she was “helping me out” and if I didn’t like it I could do the whole journey and stuff me basically (I ended up doing the whole journey and getting stuck in holiday traffic and it took me 7 hours). I do this journey a lot but her attitude has made me feel reluctant to do it anymore.

AIBU to think within reason both parents should be physically and financially responsible for the children having access to a relationship with the other parent, and it should be a given and part of being a separated parent?

Who moved? I assume you only have the kids once or twice a month and their mother does all the day to day running about? If so YABU and really should stop asking her to meet somewhere else. You and your husband are being cheeky fuckers

She moved 500 miles away and he then moved closer.

Yes, who moved?

I also think within reason it’s irrelevant who moved tbh.

Well, the other way to look at it is , the RP should be prevented from moving more than X miles from the NRP.

That'd go down well.

Simple fact of the matter is, in reality if the NRP wants a relationship with the children then the NRP will have to do the leg work. yes it's unfair.

I moved 60 miles away from ds’s dad and we do a trip each, I am the RP.

Yeah I think it is unfair and also unfair that the CMA only take petrol costs into consideration when the children are in the actual car, which seems a bit nuts tbh.

Our trip is 120 miles each way, trip each seems really nice arrangement.

No, it shouldn't be 50/50. The person who moved away should do it. Or the nrp since the rp does the bulk of the work day to day.

My ex does all driving but he only lives 40 minutes away, enjoys it and weekends are his only chance to drive.

It is unfair that you can only claim for the bits of the journey where the kids are in car. It would be fairer for cost of travelling was shared between the parents 50/50. Unfair in your case as ex moved 500 miles away but the children might have advantages in their new place like cousins and grandparents.

If you are in England then Dad could have tried to stop the 500 mile move in court.

My ex moves all over the place and refuses to tell me where how am I supposed to help if he does this? The guy is a nut paranoid and delusional I'm still in the old family home he is in a caravan under "police protection" due to his girlfriends family

I should move to Germany and make him cross the channel

Well if the care isn’t 50/50 then I don’t see why anything else should be. Why should the parent that spend the most time caring for their children then spend their time facilitating the less involved parent’s contact? Either everything is split evenly or the NRP does more to compensate for their absence.

Only if the nrp does
50 % of all the other stuff including:
clothes
Electric
Gas
Shoes
Clubs
Swimming
School
Dentist
Homework
Hair cuts....
The list goes on

IMO the person who moved (it it’s a considerable distance) should be the one to sort out travel arrangements. Why should someone get to choose to move 500 miles away from their child, then expect the other parent to foot half the bill and do regular 7 hour drives so they can still see them?

If you are in England then Dad could have tried to stop the 500 mile move in court

Hmm but they split and she moved to her home town so 🤷‍♀️

It should be 50/50.

Dps ex made dp do all the toing and froing when dss lived with her "because if you want to see him you can pick him up"

Funnily enough she still did fuck all when he lived with us and we did it all because we are fucking mugs nice people.

@Freddiefox

Tbf we do a lot of that list - we don’t take them to school every day but we did pick up the debt racked up on tv school bus that hadn’t been paid.....

If my son’s dad moved several hours away, I certainly wouldn’t be doing half the driving at my expense because he decided to move! I actually currently do all the driving as he doesn’t drive, but thankfully it’s only about an hour round trip so I don’t mind too much.

You’d always end up with unfair situations.
Husband has an unfair, then dumps you, refusing to do his fair share of childcare.
You move back home, where you have support and cheaper housing... and next thing you know you’re paying paying for his journeys to you.

I think it’s something that courts should rule on.

maybe in your situation, but there are plenty of nrp who don’t do half those things so definitely don’t think 50% effort should be law.( I also say that as someone who takes the children to their dads for contact rather than him collect because it’s too far for his litttle legs)

I would completely support a change in the law to make it illegal for a parent not to pay maintenance for their child though.

The Netherlands is also pretty clear about an equal split of responsibility. But it's also the law that apart from exceptional circumstances, rarely granted, the parents can't live further than about 20km from each other until the kids are grown up.

@Dutch1e

Wow!

It's for the children

@Ellisandra

No one had an affair, she left him because she didn’t want to be with him anymore.

It seems that the Netherlands etc make separated parents both commit to their children more than we do here which I think is great.

Why would you want to live a long way from your children?