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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should it be 50/50 by law?

80 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 29/08/2019 18:30

In Germany apparently it’s both (separated) parents equal responsibility to ferry the children to and from the NRP house to the RP house. To me this actually seems pretty fair.

I separated from both my kids dads and one was local and did all the ferrying and the other is about 20 miles away and I always offer to meet halfway.

DH kids live a 5 hour journey (round trip) away and we always try to ask his ex to meet about 30 mins away from her to shorten the journey a bit, but she won’t, and it always ends in a row (between them) and is stressful.

I did the trip last time and (unbeknown to me) she said to DH she could meet me nearby her house but shortening the journey for me but wouldn’t give a time. She then had a huge go at DH saying I should be “fucking grateful” that she was “helping me out” and if I didn’t like it I could do the whole journey and stuff me basically (I ended up doing the whole journey and getting stuck in holiday traffic and it took me 7 hours). I do this journey a lot but her attitude has made me feel reluctant to do it anymore.

AIBU to think within reason both parents should be physically and financially responsible for the children having access to a relationship with the other parent, and it should be a given and part of being a separated parent?

OP posts:
DoomsdayCult · 29/08/2019 19:07

No. 50/50 should not be the law because it is very rare that separated parents are both equal earners and equally abled.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/08/2019 19:10

I have a Finnish friend and when she separated from her husband (he was a Brit) they decided that both households should have the same income.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 29/08/2019 19:13

I’m not suggesting that she had affair, I’m just giving an example of why it might be unfair to penalising the one who moves away.

It all sounds good, 50/50... but the statistical reality is:

  • women are more likely to have their income (long term) impacted by having children, than men
  • women are more likely to be worse off financially than men after divorce
  • women are more likely to be doing majority childcare than men after divorce

So my opinion is that where 50/50 is unfair, it’s a hell of a lot more likely to be unfair to the woman.

Hence, I think courts should rule on what’s fair in individual cases.

I’d say 50/50 travel time or payments is quite far lower down the list to fix in our system than how easy it is not to pay maintenance. Usually men.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/08/2019 19:15

But this is time as well as money isnt it. Doesnt matter how rich you are its still unfair to have to do every single journey

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/08/2019 19:17

I don’t mind doing it (and taking annual leave to do so) but it would be nice if there was a teeny tiny bit of gratitude.

I am not even allowed in for a quick wee Sad

OP posts:
spanieleyes · 29/08/2019 19:19

My ex moved 5000 miles away, there's no way I was doing 50/50!

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/08/2019 19:22

@spanieleyes Grin

I was saying within reason Grin

OP posts:
Mudcakemaniac · 29/08/2019 19:24

I have a Finnish friend and when she separated from her husband (he was a Brit) they decided that both households should have the same income

How are they doing that? Is the higher earner giving money to the lower earner so they have same income?! Shes one lucky lady if shes the lower earner!

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/08/2019 19:27

How will they continue when one or both have partners?

moonfacebaby · 29/08/2019 19:27

My exH lives 90 miles away (his choice). I don’t meet halfway or share any of the drop offs and pick ups. I do ALL of the school drop offs/pick ups, ferrying around and he only sees our children for 4 days every month (EOW).

There’s no way I’m sharing the weekend drop offs when he does zero else in terms of looking after our children, and is free to pursue his career/have a social life etc...& he earns 10 times what I do (very high earner), so he can at least step up and pick up/return the children. It’s the least he can do!

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/08/2019 19:27

@Mudcakemaniac.

Yes - I used to tell her on a regular basis she didn’t know she was born.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/08/2019 19:29

@Bonjourfreddie.

Kids nearly grown up now and neither does have a new partner.

He just wanted to be a dad to his kids he wasn’t interested.

OP posts:
WhyBirdStop · 29/08/2019 19:36

So you do 240 miles, how often? Once a month/fortnight? I wonder what her child related mileage is over the same time period, with the various ferrying around, shopping trips, play dates, activities, school runs etc? Also is highly unlikely the maintenance she recorded actually covers fifty percent of what it costs to raise those children and if it does in this situation it doesn't in most, so your role would disadvantage a lot of RPs who are already struggling to get by, because they now have to cover half of transportation even if the NRP is the one who moved. You've taken a narrow view of one situation and extrapolated it to a legislative level.....

PicsInRed · 29/08/2019 19:37

But it's also the law that apart from exceptional circumstances, rarely granted, the parents can't live further than about 20km from each other until the kids are grown up.

And this is exactly the sort of law which prevents women in abusive relationships from leaving - if their family live further away than that and they have no money and no job to rent a new place in the city they live with the abusive partner.

It traps women. These men KNOW it and behave accordingly.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/08/2019 19:39

whybird

You could argue that shes stopped op and her partner having the kids more because shes moved so far away. If she hadnt they could have the kids more and do more of the work.

Funny how that doesnt appeal to many mothers though.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/08/2019 19:41

We have them half the school holiday and twice a month.

So that’s four 240 mile journeys a month.

We pay £600 maintenance and pay for mobile phones and now the school bus.

OP posts:
Dutch1e · 29/08/2019 19:44

@PicsInRed

And this is exactly the sort of law which prevents women in abusive relationships from leaving - if their family live further away than that and they have no money and no job to rent a new place in the city they live with the abusive partner.

Yes, this is a fair point. Generally, abuse is one of the allowable exceptions but it often goes wrong. Not so much for locals, as the safety nets here are still very strong despite being a far cry from their social democracy heyday. Definitely for foreign women though, who have a hell of a time getting legal approval to take their kids 'home'

DancingintheSpoonlight · 29/08/2019 19:57

My ex expects this but he sees DD about 24 in total a week while I bend over backwards to work 5 days a week and do every single school run, any appointments, organise every thing and am on limited income due to circumstance.
He moved away (not stupidly far) but in rush hour traffic takes me over an hour or so to do it. Based on the limited time I get to not be working or doing everything else, I begrudge it.
...not sure why I do it Tbf but he's an arsehole can be pretty nasty.

DancingintheSpoonlight · 29/08/2019 20:01

*should add it's 24 hours over more than once occasion so me driving twice etc

EEmother · 29/08/2019 20:07

Well, the other way to look at it is , the RP should be prevented from moving more than X miles from the NRP.
If the NRP asks the court for this, it would be granted. I have a ban on moving more than 30 miles away from the old marital home address - and this is with ex having only 4 contact days a month, and no overnights. There's absolutely no way I will be able to afford a place here once the marital house is sold, so looking to rent for 15+ years.

stuffedpeppers · 29/08/2019 20:23

My Ex moved allegedly 1 hour away. However, on a Friday 1hr there round the M25 turned into 2.5 and my drive home was nearer 3hrs!
Same on Sunday to pick them up.

So from my point of view he moved, he travels. I was not even invited in for a pee when I got there and was expected to find a public loo.

I am buggered if I take less maintenance than CSA minimum, do all the driving, do all uniforms, clothes, holidays, sports days, parents days, homeworks and should then have the law tell me the FFF has the right to make me drive to his new residence every week.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/08/2019 20:24

It should be enforced that everyone in the process is kinder and more reasonable.

My ex used to make me “pay back” any “extra” time he had his own kids Sad

OP posts:
TeacupDrama · 29/08/2019 20:26

I think there should be a ban on moving too far away as well like in the Netherlands it is for the child's benefit that both parents can easily get to school events take to weekend clubs see them after school for an hour or two makes joint parenting which should be the norm easier
like @Dutch1e says abusive ex's is one reason the courts would allow moves further away
moves of 50+ miles inevitably make any form of spontaneous contact hard and it becomes EOW then someone complains on missing out on Saturday club so it becomes even less ot as they get older it becomes harder to met up with friends on the weekend as 50 miles away so then they don't want to go they might still want to see NRP but want to stay near their friends too and then the child is having to make a choice between friends and NRP when in reality they should not have to
it is not always the NRP that moves sometimes RP move to try and reduce contact with NRP, sometimes people move with work but the Dutch system seems to put the kids with a split home before parents career moves it may have downsides but they may be less than the upsides for instance if you live in Gloucester as RP the ideal location for NRP is also Gloucester not Stroud and certainly not Birmingham

justbeingadad · 29/08/2019 20:32

@arethereanyleftatall
But what if the NRP moved away to maintain a job so they could provide for their children? Same obviously applies for RP too. If you csnt agree, I think 50/50 sounds like a good default.

31RueCambon75001 · 29/08/2019 20:33

@PicsInRed, this is what happened to me. I had ''asked permission'' to leave my x and he roared back at me ''the fuck you will leave me''.

I left escaped eventually posting things back to my parents and when I left he attacked me and yet still had the shamelessness to try to have me ordered back. I know somebody (through mumsnet) whose x SUCCESSFULLY had her court ordered to return the children (3 kids under 5) to their home before 20.00 She had to stay there for another week until there was another court hearing.

Mothers should not be tied to the area they had their children. Abusive men know how use all of their rights.